Creating Allies Versus Antagonists–When Ego Makes the Choice

He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper. - Edmund Burke

Remember that when you meet your antagonist, to do everything in a mild agreeable manner. Let your courage be keen, but, at the same time, as polished as your sword. - Richard Brinsley Sheridan

As the dusts settles from the Alberta by-elections, a children’s story comes to mind regarding how certain parties executed during the election and the results that they produced.  The story goes like this.

There was once a hen and a pig who were thinking about starting a breakfast restaurant together.  “Let’s call it Ham and Eggs”, said the hen excitedly.  “That’s no good”, replied the pig sadly.  “Why not?”, asked the hen.  “Well”, sighed the pig, “You are only participating in it while I am fully committed.”

The story came to mind as I reflected on how people who are fully committed to an endeavour tend to make smarter choices about whether they create antagonists or allies in their day-to-day execution because they have much more to lose if they choose poorly.

In the case of the by-elections, I had had interactions with the Alberta Party in the past and believed them to be a genuine voice of change, representing a non-hyped, data-focused leader of change that the Province (and other jurisdictions for that matter) needed.

In the public debate that occurred, I mused about how Greg Clark, the leader of the Alberta Party, appeared to win the debate.  I tweeted such during the debate and wrote about it later here - Greg Clark–A Refreshing Change Or Just Another Politician?

However, in subsequent interactions with Stephen Carter (his lead strategy person for the campaign) and before I made a decision regarding the Alberta Party one way or the other, Mr. Carter, without caring who he was speaking to, decided that I served better as an antagonist rather than an ally (or at least leaving me neutral at best).

With taunts regarding how much I did for others (or not) without any knowledge of my service to others and in providing flippant answers to serious questions (which I wrote about in Greg Clark–Politicians and the Importance of Optics), it appears that his ego and his belief that a win was “in the bag” invited him to discard myself and others as potential allies and in doing so, invited us to become potential antagonists instead.

Observing the traffic in social media, it appears that the Alberta Party’s selection of Mr. Carter’s raw online style backfired, drawing the desired attention but also creating a large pool of antagonists who may not have cared otherwise about the Party had it not been for how he interacted with people. I realized when people were actively campaigning against the Alberta Party because they believed it to be the Arrogant Stephen Carter Party that something had gone amiss with the Party’s strategy.  In certain groups, such as in schools, the actions of some of the Party’s faithful would have been considered bullying – hardly the role model for young people.

How large an issue this was in regards to the final result of no wins for the Alberta Party will largely depend on who you ask.  Whether the Party will be honest in its post mortems will also be a large matter of conjecture.

However, it causes me to stop and reflect upon how we choose our antagonists, enemies and allies, not only in politics but in Life.

Sometimes we may not be able to secure a person, people or organization(s) as an ally but we would do best not to awaken them as our antagonists also.

Because while the Burke quote at the beginning of this blog post may generally be true, the strengthening of our nerves and skill that is produced by antagonists is only apparent when the ego is such that it allows such learning lessons to be acknowledged and absorbed.

Otherwise, people just end up creating scenarios of themselves versus the world and in such cases, it is always better to bet on the world.  In other cases, they just end up bitter as illustrated here in this delightful quote from Despair.com.

The Bottom Line

Life has enough complexities as it is and there are many times when we wished that there were more powerful people in our corner.

In such situations, I think we are better off choosing our allies carefully, lest our thoughts, words and actions produce the exact opposite effect, creating antagonists or enemies when we least need them.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS In the blog post Answering The Cry For Help, I referred to the true story of a predator who was assaulting and in some cases, extorting things from women once they had been put in compromising situations.

The warning of choosing enemies wisely extends in these situations also.  People who exist to hurt others shouldn’t forget that they will eventually run into someone more powerful than they are and that their actions are creating very powerful enemies that will eventually produce justice.

It’s only matter of time.

Our thoughts, words and actions produce a steady stream of allies, antagonists or people who are neutral to us.

We must choose wisely in order to maximize the nature of the people we create around us.  They will, after all, often decide the result that we produce in our Life.

We should choose as if our Life, personal or professional, depends on it.

Because it does.

9/11–What Have We Learned After 12 Years?

“There is something fundamentally unfair about a government that takes away so much of people's money, power, and personal control while telling them that life will be better as a result.” - Steve Forbes

“Remember the hours after September 11th when we came together as one to answer the attack against our homeland. We drew strength when our firefighters ran upstairs and risked their lives so that others might live; when rescuers rushed into smoke and fire at the Pentagon; when the men and women of Flight 93 sacrificed themselves to save our nation’s Capitol; when flags were hanging from front porches all across America, and strangers became friends. It was the worst day we have ever seen, but it brought out the best in all of us.” –Sen. John Kerry

As I took my morning walk this morning, I stopped and watched some young children playing at a local playground.

It is a beautiful sunny Tuesday morning and I am reminded that it is almost identical to a beautiful sunny Tuesday morning 12 years ago that became the worst nightmare in US history.

As I watched the children play and my mind replayed the events of 9/11, I reflected on what has changed since then.

And I wonder what we have learned.

Airline Security

Despite the billions we have spent on airline security, including advanced screening equipment and reinforced cockpit doors, there are still easy ways to get bombs on planes as well as techniques that can force pilots to open the cockpit door and give up control of their aircraft.

Our invasion of Libya also caused the “accidental misplacement” of thousands of shoulder-fired surface-to-air missiles capable of downing commercial aircraft.  Many of these missiles are believed to now be in the hands of Al Qaeda-friendly forces.

Ok … so we’re not doing so well there.

International Relations

On the international front, we continue to try random experiments with diplomacy in the hope that things will just work out perfectly by accident, with little or no knowledge or care of the downstream effects of our actions.

Examples ….

We embraced and even promoted the Arab Spring movement and watched it destroy proud nations like Egypt.

Iraq and Afghanistan are no more stable now than ever and in fact, in some parts of those countries, they are more lawless and dangerous now than they ever were.  What did our brave servicemen and women accomplish there despite the great sacrifices they made for themselves and their families?

Libya is now considered to be lawless and in ruin since we removed Gadhafi, with thousands of armed militants roaming the countryside and providing a training ground for tomorrow’s terrorist generation.

The complexities of Syria continue to simmer, with the US government willing to engage in a military strike even before evidence was available as to who “the enemy” was and with the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff admitting that he had no idea what the objective would be or what the downstream effect of a military strike would be.  Let’s not forget also that with Russia sending in defensive forces to back Syria, it wouldn’t take much to accidentally create a larger global conflagration.

And so our random experiments with diplomacy are doing little outside of creating more countries that are unstable, something proven to be a breeding ground for terrorists.

Hmmmm … we’re not doing so well there either.

Meanwhile back home

Meanwhile back home, our political leaders continue to brew a dangerous concoction that brings no peace to the world nor does it bring additional security to the citizens whom they claim to serve.

And just to complicate things, the threat of domestic terror along the lines of the Boston Marathon Bombing is something that many enforcement officials have indicated is practically unpreventable with current laws.

John Kerry’s 9/11 quote when he was Senator is wonderfully patriotic and yet conveniently glosses over the truth that decisions that he and his colleagues made helped draw the ire of terrorists in our direction in the first place.

It would be like a fireman setting fire to a building and then running inside, saving the occupants and proclaiming himself to be a hero.

The people who participated in the events that led up to 9/11 and who play games of random diplomacy get to enjoy security for themselves and their families for life while innocent civilians who care little for political, diplomatic and military tit for tat exercises pay the ultimate price.

I think of my friends who died that day in the World Trade Center, including but not limited to:

- Narender Nath, who saw the best in everyone.

- Stephen Fiorelli, a Port Authority engineer who stayed behind to guide the brave first responders.

- Eric Bennett, who was constantly helping and serving others as much as he could.

I think of my neighbor’s brother who died on Flight 93.

I think of my other neighbor whose office was across the street from the World Trade Center and who watched many of the people jump from the towers.  He was deeply impacted by the event and 6 months later was dead, having been so traumatized by what he saw that the images that replayed in his mind eventually took his Life.

These wonderful citizens, fathers, husbands and Life partners didn’t give a rats behind about what our diplomats and politicians did abroad and in fact, because of national security constraints, couldn’t have known even if they wanted to.

They didn’t sign up to fight any wars.

They didn’t volunteer to be sent into harm’s way.

And yet they paid the ultimate sacrifice anyway but have “the honor” of being publicly named at patriotic memorials every year.

I wonder if part of the problem is that once our leaders transformed from being those who lead people into battle into those who send people into battle, they become less aware of the real impact of their choices on the innocent.

If our leaders started losing their own loved ones as a direct result of their actions, perhaps they might have an incentive to think and act differently when it comes to the decisions they make. << Dear NSA.  That is an observation and not a threat. Stand down. >>

Perhaps.

Why we remember 9/11

Someone asked me recently why we bother to remember the events of 9/11 and suggested that perhaps we should let it fade into the past and allow healing to take place.

The problem is that when we forget the events that led up to 9/11, we release from accountability those who have helped create it and those who continue to stoke the fire for the next big event.

An event that will probably once again exempt those who helped architect or contribute to it while sacrificing those who have nothing to do with it.

An event that we will claim took us by surprise.

An event that will draw a revenge response on our part.

An event that will add more names of the innocent to the lists that we read during patriotic memorial events.

We all play a role in this

We are not without responsibility in how 9/11 came to pass nor are we without responsibility for preventing such events from occurring in the future.

How we responded to Syria is an indicator that we haven’t learned a damned thing .… yet.

And until we start learning something from that painful day on 9/11, we must accept that the lives of those lost were indeed sacrificed in vain and that we are potentially worse off and in a more precarious situation than ever.

Meanwhile back at the playground

As my mind returns to the children in the playground, I think about the people who worry about the color of their next iPhone or whether their designer coffee has a little too much “whatever” in it and I wonder.

If we spent more time focusing on what is right for the next generation and not what is right for ourselves, I think we would realize the right thing to do, whether it’s in the selection of our leaders or how we hold our leaders to be accountable  in regards to domestic and foreign policy.  We would also know what our own responsibilities are for co-creating a stronger potential for future generations.

I think that the events of the world, while seeming to be chaotic and disturbing, are that way because someone benefits from allowing this to happen or from creating such an environment.  Sometimes the list of those who benefit is not always obvious as Esquire magazine generated extra web traffic this morning by showing this outrageous picture.  The picture is of an unknown man falling to his death from the World Trade Center on 9/11 accentuated with tasteless text added by Esquire.

I think that we need to work harder to be the voice for those who don’t have one (or don’t believe they do), to offer a hand-up to those who have stumbled, to show love to those who feel that love has abandoned them, to stand up for those who feel overcome by the world and to be the champion for those who seek someone to look up to.

I think that we need to work harder at being the light that lights someone else’s path.

I think that we need to work harder at being the salt that seasons the Earth and the great variety of Life that exists on it.

I think that we need to share more with those who have less.

I think that we need to help others follow their dreams as we need others to help us follow ours.

I think that we need to move beyond labels that differentiate us and seek the things that unify and unite us.

I think that we need to model the behavior that we want to see in future generations.

I think that we need to try harder to live every day as if it might be our last …. because eventually that does become our reality.

And finally, even as an optimist I think that the world only gets better when we make a choice to make it that way, that a world of unlimited potential doesn’t happen by accident. 

While it would be great to write a heart-tugging, peace-and-love-overcomes-everything blog, history teaches us that the world and humanity don’t work this way.

Or can I be proven wrong?

I would like to be.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum – September 11, 2013

In the days that followed 9/11, I found myself repeatedly playing a song by Styx.

The song came to mind again this morning.  Here it is …. “Show Me the Way”.

Life Coaching: One Size Does NOT Fit All

I was approached by a “Life coach” this morning who was pretty confident that he could help grow me personally and professionally.  Intrigued by his offer and how it was presented, I agreed to an initial 30-minute free consultation in the coffee shop where we had run into each other.

During the free consultation, this individual asked me to be as forthright as I could in regards to where my Life has been and then he would help outline a plan for my future.

“Sounds good”, I said and being a transparent person, I proceeded to outline:

1. Growing up in poverty in a town of 2,000 people and ending up as an award-winning consultant in NYC, not always knowing what I wanted but definitely knowing what I didn’t want.

2. Facing and overcoming a plethora of medical conditions, some of which had the potential to be fatal.

3. Walking away from four airplane “events”, some of which were rated by the pilots as being in the top three scariest events of their lives.

4. Having a perfect 4 - 0 record as the victim of muggings in NYC (although if I’m the winner, am I the victim?).

5. Founding / cofounding a number of companies and IPOing one of them.

6. My professional and personal involvement with various “interesting groups”, some of whom that are clandestinely focused on the safety of civilians.

7. Early-life encounters with pedophiles who failed with their intentions.

8. A young life filled with bullies.

9. Complex relationships, some successful and some not, personally and professionally.

10. My beliefs about our individual need and responsibility to serve the world.

11. My spiritual beliefs.

12. Stories of the 15 great friends I lost in the World Trade Center on 9/11.

13. What keeps me awake at night in regards to the security of our citizens and of the world.

I didn’t get to the really scary stuff.  I ran out of time and wasn’t sure if his mind would have survived the cranial defibrillator that would have resulted from sharing those stories.

When I had finished summarizing my Life, he was speechless for a moment and then stuttered and stammered his way through how he thought he could help me.

He didn’t do very well.

In fact, at the end of the conversation he admitted that my Life intimidated him.  I think the word he actually used was “frightened” and before we were done, he was asking me to be his Life coach.

Alas, time does not permit but I was flattered by the request.

This encounter reminded me that it is easy to assume (incorrectly) that people need fixing (as defined by the observer), that we must fix those people and that our approach, knowledge and Life context provide us with the tools and insight to accomplish this “repair” successfully.

We DO have value – just not to everyone

It is true that we all bring Life context and knowledge that is of value to someone and that we have a responsibility to serve others.

But let’s not assume that each of us has the obligation, the right and the ability to fix everyone.

Once we assume that we have a one-size-fits-all model that can heal and guide anyone, I suspect that it is easy for our humility to get lost in the hubris of our own self-perceived brilliance.

And when that happens, I believe that we lose sight of our opportunity to learn from others instead of assuming that everyone in the world is waiting to learn from us.

Are you still capable of learning from others or have you reached the pinnacle of your perfection?

How would others answer this question on your behalf?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Perspective: A Lesson in Selling From an Unusual Source

As I entered a coffee shop this morning, my attention was drawn to a professionally dressed woman who was emphatically speaking on the phone.

“You must go after whatever you want with everything you have and with no apologies“, she implored as I sat at the table next to her.  “There is nothing in Life that you should ever feel embarrassed about. Ever!”.

True enough, I thought.  More people should feel this way.

As she hung up, I heard her mutter something about “people who don’t get it”.

I started to go through my email when I became distracted by her phone (so I thought) that had started vibrating in her purse.  I wouldn’t have cared so much except:

1. She had put her ear buds on and didn’t notice it.

2. It was obviously vibrating against a metallic or plastic object in her purse which amplified the sound significantly.

3. It wasn’t stopping.

When the sound didn’t subside, I waved to get her attention and as she removed her ear buds, I said “your phone is ringing”, pointing at her purse.

She frowned, and started looking through her purse, laying the contents of it on the table as she strove to isolate the source of the noise.

She located the source which I couldn’t help but see as she tried to discretely turn it off.

Her “facial massage unit” was the source of the noise and it was clear that she was feeling embarrassed by one of the banes of women’s existence – premature activation.

Her red face indicated her level of embarrassment and she started to hurriedly pack up her belongings.

“Sorry about that”, she said quickly.

“No worries at all”, I replied.  “However, I couldn’t help but notice that you were telling someone else to never be embarrassed about anything and you were feeling frustrated that they didn’t get it.  But here you are feeling embarrassed.  Perhaps you might find it easier to convince other people of your ideas if you believed them yourself”.

She seemed a little taken aback by my bluntness.

Then she realized that I was offering an observation out of helpfulness and she smiled.

“You’re right”, she said.  “What a way to learn.”

We both laughed and as she left, I offered her my standard farewell – “Create a great day, because merely having one is too passive an experience”.

After she left, I reflected on the moment and smiled.

Five lessons came to mind:

1. Lessons in Life often manifest in unusual (and funny) ways if we allow them to reach us and to teach us.

2. We can’t sell an idea to someone else unless we see things from their perspective and context.

3. We can’t sell anything if we don’t believe in it ourselves.

4. If you’re going to insist on carrying your “facial massage unit” around, make sure the safety is on to avoid the pitfalls of premature activation.

5. If you have a tendency to forget what’s in your purse, you may be REALLY embarrassed the next time you go through airport security.

Are you open to the lessons in Life that are all around you?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

The Fate of Empires …. and Companies

I recently read a summarized version of Sir John Bagot Glubb’s “The Fate of Empires and the Search for Survival” (1978, out of print), his fascinating observations about the rise and fall of key historical societies, all repeating the same results despite people’s desire for the contrary.

While there are parallels that readers could infer from the societies described in the book as compared to modern society, I was also intrigued by how the patterns described for typical society creation and collapse exist within companies as well.

Each dominant society, according to the author, goes through the following stages, specifically the ages of:

• outburst (or pioneers)
• conquest
• commerce
• affluence
• intellect
• decadence
• decline and collapse

Dominant organizations go through a process that has often been described as the sigmoid curve, containing the following key stages:

• inception – the company / project is often self funded and capital / resources invested often exceed results produced
• growth – a positive return is being generated, with results producing (hopefully) some multiple of what is being put into it
• maturity – the company is in a place of stability and is potentially a recognized leader in its space.  Many companies fall into the “if it’s not broke don’t fix it” mindset at this point, created by self confidence in their success and potentially setting the stage for potential failure.
• decline – if new products, services, partnerships, delivery techniques, etc. were not adopted in the maturity step, decline and potential failure are inevitable.

 

The Sigmoid Curve

The key with business success is to make sure the business leaders embark on new product or service offerings or better delivery techniques somewhere in the maturity stage in order to start a new sigmoid curve and ensure ongoing health of the organization.  Failure to do so results in ultimate decline of the organization which may lead to reduced market impact, decreased valuation or total failure.

What I like about Sir John Glubb’s analysis of society is that it nicely correlates to the classic stages of the sigmoid curve.

Returning to his list as it pertains to business:

• outburst (or pioneers) – the entrepreneur establishes a new idea that will “shake the world”
• conquest – initial funding, perception, knowledge-gap, business or technology hurdles are overcome
• commerce – the company gains traction and begins to generate sustainable income
• affluence – the company begins to be recognized as a knowledge / market leader
• intellect – the company has the resources and capabilities to explore R & D initiatives; seeking ways to increase market awareness and penetration or to explore things that it thinks are important to the consumer or to the organization
• decadence – the organization loses sight of its competitors or the needs of its customers as it becomes blinded by “we’re the best in our space and we know what the customer really wants”
• decline and collapse – failure to reinvent the organization’s offerings, branding, execution, etc. produce diminished results and the possibility of total collapse.

Within the first five stages (outburst to intellect), it is critical to recognize that one may or may not be the “expert” in all disciplines and knowledge.  Failure to recognize this makes the final two stages almost inevitable.

One of the most common mistakes I see in organizations ranging from startups to well-established organizations is the belief that their organization is different than all the rest, that somehow they will avoid the “laws of nature” that all organizations are subjected to.

And when they do this, they provide a reminder, yet again, that:

“The one thing that history teaches us is that history teaches us nothing” – Hegel

We must become a student of history in order to maximize our future.  When someone is not a student of history, it becomes easy to predict their future and sadly, it often resembles the history that they were ignorant of.

Regardless of the source, history provides the knowledge needed for success …. if we are open to the lessons revealed therein.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Accountability and Authenticity

For my Musings-in-a-Minute version, please click here.

As I dressed this morning, I donned a pair of jeans and a yellow polo shirt and prepared to meet the day - nothing significant to report there.

However, to a small band of entrepreneurs in New York in the late 90’s to early 2000’s, Tuesday was Yellow Shirt Day.

I had forgotten about it until this morning.

The origins of Yellow Shirt Day were innocent enough.  One Tuesday, a member of my team, Narender and I wore a yellow shirt on the same day.  We laughed about it and said every Tuesday should be Yellow Shirt Day and dismissed the joke.

To my surprise on the next Tuesday, the entire team wore a yellow shirt.  Guys who didn’t own a yellow shirt went out and bought one just for the day.

The tradition being born, we embraced it every Tuesday.  On Tuesday, we would go for a walk during our lunch break and compliment other people who wore yellow shirts.  The reaction from strangers on the streets of New York covered a broad spectrum, ranging from humorous to angry.

The co-founder of Yellow Shirt Day, Narender Nath, was killed in the World Trade Center less than a year later during the horror of 9/11.

Narender came to mind this morning as I realized I was wearing a yellow shirt on Tuesday.

Narender was as close to a perfect human being as I have been able to find on this planet. 

He preferred humor over anger.

He chose directness instead of misdirection. 

He selected honesty over dishonesty.

He embraced transparency instead of being opaque. 

He wished people to be accountable for their actions and was quite direct about it.

He preferred to be proactive and to embrace his passion instead of being apathetic and indifferent.

He avoided being a one-man-band – he was a collaborator by nature.

He didn’t reinvent what someone else had already created.  He recognized the value of leveraging what someone else had worked hard to create.

He asked nothing of anyone.  He led by example.

As I thought about Narender this morning, I was wondering if we have learned anything as a society since he died.

Greed, apathy, indifference and corruption appear to be around us more than ever.

Deception seems to be the way the game is played in many levels of society.  The model of “say one thing and do another” seems to be commonly practiced by leaders and those who are led.

Senseless wars against “this and that” appear to be the preferred model of solving anything.  We have a war against terror, a war against global warming and a war against extinction.  We appear to always be fighting what we don’t like instead of embracing the solution we should be striving for.

Headlines of failure in the housing market, the financial market and the employment market hammer us daily.

The starving, impoverished, diseased and destitute continue to cry out for help.

The media encourages us to focus on the disaster all around us under the guise of informing us.

Many of us who are hammered by the media do the best we can, all the while struggling with our need to be more authentic to ourselves and to others.

If only we could get some breathing room, we reason, then we could be more true to ourselves.

We could then shake off the negative messaging from the media and truly discover the world for its beauty and potential.

Narender looked at this challenge differently.

He didn’t wait for the breathing space in order to create authenticity within himself.

He knew that if he waited for the opportunity to be authentic with himself and with others, he would wait forever and would be incredibly frustrated as he waited.

If you were to ask Narender what he saw in the world, you would swear he lived on a different planet.  In a world allegedly filled with collapse, Narender saw growth.

In a world of war and hate, Narender saw love and nurturing.

In a world of indifference and apathy, Narender saw the opportunities that lay before those who followed their passion to make a positive impact.

Our world is what we believe it to be.

The media wants us to believe it is all coming apart.

Narender believed it to be one of unlimited opportunity for living, loving, learning and leaving a legacy.

I know you believe this also.

However, when you find yourself in the structural tension between what you believe and what you manifest, remember this:

Each of us owns the responsibility for changing our own world and subsequently the world around us.

If we wait for the world to give us the opportunity to become self-enabled to the point where we can finally start living an impactful life we will never get there.

And that makes for a pretty depressing journey of wasted, unrealized potential

Don’t let this happen to you.

As many experts say and as Narender practiced:

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Yes, it is an overused statement.

But perhaps it is overused because we still haven’t learned the truth within it and so we need to keep hearing it.

How do you see the world today?  How badly would you like to see it in a different light?

Look around you – there are many people who are ready to collaborate with you to create that world.

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

PS – A guy by the name of Mike walked into the coffee shop as I was writing this.  He was wearing a yellow shirt also and so I couldn’t resist introducing myself and telling him the story of Narender and Yellow Shirt Day.  As he left, he laughed and said “maybe we can start Yellow Shirt Day where I work”.  That would be cool, Mike!

It sometimes doesn’t take much to influence someone else in a positive way.

Simple actions touch hearts and in turn influence minds.  Whose heart are you touching today?

For my Musings-in-a-Minute version, please click here.

When the Student is Ready ....

... the teacher will appear.

So they say.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, listening to people speak about the problems that confront the world - the economic crisis, poverty, disease, the homeless, depression in people, failing healthcare and education systems, crumbling infrastructure, global warming and whatever else they can think of that strains our confidence and faith in a positive future.

As I listen to this litany of concerns that would challenge some of the greatest optimists that have ever walked the face of the earth, I started to think about how well we apply what we have learned from the most impactful teachers and guides that have entered our respective spheres of influence.  I'm wondering what those teachers would say to us now if they were sitting at the tables around us, challenging us to apply our gifts to take on these global concerns.

From my own perspective, I'm not referring to the obvious list of teachers that come to mind:

• our parents, siblings, spouses, children or other members of our family
• God / Goddess / Allah or other supreme deity we worship
• Gandhi or any other brilliant mind that has walked the earth
• good friends who have been significant in our lives in other ways (that's a series of blogs in itself).

I'm thinking of the people we have encountered in our lives who, with no obligation to us as strangers, took the time to teach us by sharing their knowledge, life experiences and insight in a meaningful and impactful way.

We all have those teachers who arrived at pivotal points in our lives, made a long lasting impression and possibly moved on (or passed on to what follows after our time on Earth is complete).

Sometimes the lessons they taught us have had no perceived impact until we acquired enough life experiences to finally understand the lesson.

I'll share some examples from my life.  As I do so, I invite you to think of your own examples.

When I was in grades 1 to 3, Margaret R. introduced me to the love of reading and learning.  She created a joy of acquiring knowledge within me that burns strong to this day.  If a day goes by where I haven't learned something, then I try twice as hard the next day to make up for the opportunity missed.

Margaret also taught me something else.  One day when I would not stop talking, she asked me to come to the front of the class.  I was terrified - these were still the days when a nice "yardstick across the knuckles" was the common punishment for children who misbehaved.  When I quietly walked to the front of the class, she made me face the class and then informed the class that my punishment would be 5 kisses - the class deciding where the 5 kisses would be planted.

So after the enduring the tremendous embarrassment of being kissed on the forehead, the nose, the top of my head and on each cheek, I sat down quietly and was silent, my ears burning bright red with embarrassment.

It was a far worse punishment to a 7-year old than a whack across the hand.  I would have endured the whack across the hand, felt like somewhat of a hero and moved on.  To be kissed in front of my fellow classmates was dreadful.

Looking back on it as a 43-year old, I realize it was the best punishment I could have ever received.  In that simple lesson, she taught all of us that to make a point through violence was far less effective than to do so with love and humor.

The lesson is more enduring as well.  I may not have remembered the yardstick.  I do remember the love.

Some of the primers that we used back in those days had a lot of content written or edited by Emily H.  The flow of her work and the way it touched my mind and heart without being complex in nature sticks with me to this day.  Her work, which I still enjoy reading (both her new material and the material I read when I was 6, 7 or 8 years old) reminds me of the power of words to inspire, to motivate and to leave a life-long impression on the reader.

When I was in high school, I had a math teacher named Newton M.  Newton had a few simple rules - no gum chewing, no looking at your watch ("It's a lazy man who watches the clock", his voice would boom if he saw you) and if you were done with all of your work, you were to sit up straight and twiddle your thumbs.  If your thumbs got tired, you reversed direction and twiddled them in the opposite way.

Newton taught us that your culture and heritage are integral parts of who you are and that you must learn as much about your cultural history as you can.  "If you don't know where you come from", he reasoned, "how do you know where you are going?"

He also embraced the notion that respect is earned and not demanded.  While many of our school teachers at the time demanded that we respect them because of their title, he treated us like the young adults we were and we loved him for it and gave him equal respect back.  The toughest teacher in the school was one of the most loved. 

I found out after he passed away that he spent every spare dime he had on the kids whose families didn't have sufficient money for clothing, shoes or school books.  He did it without the need for recognition (in fact, he avoided it), he did it frequently and did it even when he had little to give.  He was despised by many teachers for doing it but did it for many years anyway.  This lesson of anonymous, unselfish service to those who need it (but don't request it) and against the beliefs of others who condemned him for it lives with me to this day.

Richard G. was a business associate and mentor of mine during part of my career on Wall Street.  I previously wrote about Richard back in November of 2008 - you can find this blog entry here.  Before he passed away, Richard taught me that even in the cutthroat world of business (and New York is as tough a place as any), good guys don't have to finish last.  He and Bruce P., who I had worked for a few years earlier, both lived by the same philosophy - "Take care of your people, take care of your customer and everything else takes care of itself".  Richard and Bruce also reminded me many times that successful people don't need to be callus, ruthless or cold.   To be successful, Richard and Bruce both insisted on:

• being in tune with your team members individual strengths, skills, talents, knowledge, passion and purpose
• knowing where your team members are in their life journey
• understanding how to find the best fit for each team member within the context of who they are and the needs of the organization they work for - failure to find a place where a team member fit properly was oftentimes more a failure of the leader than the team member
• knowing when to delegate and when to step in to guide (not to take control)
• living with transparency, honesty and humor
• not being afraid to ask for help or admit that a leader has made a mistake.

Richard would say that "applying these thoughts without fear can only produce positive results".  Knowing how to apply this correctly is a a gift that harvests the greatest results personally and professionally for an organization, its teams and the people and organizations they serve.  It's still the model I use when I help organizations rebuild their teams.  Jim, a friend of mine, reminded me recently that this model is not welcome in the corporate world.  He is right but I do it anyway. :-)

When I was working on some goal setting programs for inner city youth a few years back, I was extremely gung-ho to get out there and get stuff done.  I was in a hurry to make an impact, the need was great and so I reasoned that there was no time to waste.

I discovered that being in a hurry and seeing an urgent demand does not necessarily guarantee that things will happen quickly.  My belief that urgency of need guaranteed that everyone would climb on board with the same sense of urgency rapidly hit a brick wall.

At that time, Bret D. arrived in my life, bringing his business knowledge in the space, his passion for education and youth, his love for people and his life experience in the same arena I was working in.  With careful coaching, he was able to reset my expectations without quenching the fire that burned within me. 

He challenged every assumption and assertion in a manner that taught me how to refine my promotion and implementation, all the while increasing my passion instead of diminishing it.  It takes a real gift to guide someone without them feeling that they might as well give up because their initial assumptions needed strong refinement.  It also takes an incredible gift to encourage and teach without crushing the ego of the person who feels that they have it all figured out.  I had been successful in everything else, I thought - how tough could this be? :-) 

Today, I am making a transition from the business world that has provided me with incredible friendships, memories and abundance in many aspects of my life.  My Life purpose is drawing me towards a Life of deeper faith and service to humanity.  As I would expect, another teacher has arrived when I need it.

Dr. Carmel D., who is a chaplain and professor at the theology school where I have been studying theology part time for the past 8 months, brings an incredible calming presence and insightful mind to her students.  Her techniques for guiding students through a discernment process for defining a new path in Life are powerful.  Her strong faith in God and her belief that every person is important and brings God-given, God-inspired talent to Life is inspiring.  Her way of providing the student with the tools to discern for themselves how to bring their gifts to bear for the benefit of themselves and others is life-transformational.  Her relationship with her students is built on respect, love and God's purpose for each of us.

So when I think of these teachers and return my thoughts to the challenges I hear people discussing around me, a few things come to mind.

The teachers I described have taught me some significant things that have strong relevance to today's challenges and the role I can play with others in addressing these challenges:

• Know who you are and where you come from and love yourself for it.  If you can't get past this step, everything else can be very challenging and complicated.
• Loving others can help us overcome our apathy or indifference to what's going on around us - if we truly care for someone else, we know that we must help them.
• Love works better and faster than violence, distrust or dishonesty.
• Fear has no place in our life - we must push forward and expect positive results.  We live in a world conspiring to shower us with abundance - we will never partake in it if we are afraid to lift ourselves and others to share this abundance.
• Knowledge is important to solving many of the challenges before us - we must endeavor to be in a position that provides for constant learning.
• Sharing your knowledge unselfishly and in a way that moves the minds and hearts of others to action produces profound results.
• Give respect to earn respect - demanding respect for any reason is setting yourself up for some incredible disappointment.
• Give unselfishly to others and don't expect payment or recognition.
• Build your life around collaboration, honesty and transparency - it produces much more profound results and is much less complicated.
• Don't try to do everything yourself - there's lots of room to share the credit and provide for opportunities for growth in others. Besides - it's a lot more fun and more gets done when we work together with our respective gifts.
• Put your ego away - we are all equal in Life potential. 
• During times of struggle, listen to what your inner Spirit, your instinct or your faith tells you to do.  Move towards your Purpose without fear.
• Build up the confidence of others.  Breaking others down not only sets them back, but doing so brings you down as well.

In class yesterday, my classmates and I were asked what we would identify as the most impactful story or theme from the Bible.

Mine comes from 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Stand fast in your faith.  Be brave and be strong and all that you do, do it in love.

I think this quote succinctly ties together the themes taught to me by the teachers significant in my life.  If I can live by this creed, I can proudly say that I did my best for myself and others during my time on earth.

Now it's your turn.

Think about the significant teachers in your life.  If they were with you right now, what knowledge or insight would they share with you about your life or the world we live in?

What would they see in you that needs gentle correction or refinement?

What gifts and talents within you would they praise and draw your attention to?

What action would they encourage you to take regarding challenges in your life, in the life of someone else or in the world?

What insight from them can you share with others, to continue the legacy of learning, sharing and loving?

What indeed .............

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

Tribute to a Mentor

My mind has been quite full these days with a number of things:

• Gratitude for my wonderful family
• Gratitude for an incredible number of life experiences that I wouldn't trade for anything (the good and the bad)
• Gratitude for unlimited opportunities
• Thoughts on making a difference in the world, in whatever way one human being can
• Sorting through some extra "stuff" that I have allowed to enter my life.

As I was sorting through my mixed feelings of gratitude, problem solving and a little brain overload, a question came to mind:

What would Richard have done in this situation?

Richard Giordanella was someone whom I was blessed to meet in the late 90's when I was CTO of a software company I co-founded in NYC.  My business partner at the time brought Richard in to provide counsel and guidance to a bunch of us young guys from Wall Street.  Richard brought many years of business experience to the table, sharing with us the sound business practices and disciplines that we needed for success.

More than anything else, Richard brought his heart.  In the years that I knew him, whenever he applied his deep experience to a business problem, he always kept people first and foremost, making sure that everyone was aware that in the end, our decisions affected people (even ones we never met).

This is the power of a real mentor.  A real mentor is someone who not only provides guidance when needed (whether asked for or not), but leaves an indelible mark on the person he is mentoring and on those whom the mentored person impacts, profoundly changing others forever.

If you don't have a mentor, I would strongly recommend that you find one who gives as unselfishly as Richard did.  Find a mentor who gives without asking, a mentor who is committed to your personal and professional growth and one who changes your life forever.

Richard did that for me.

I last saw Richard in early winter of 2007 as he valiantly fought cancer.  I stopped by to visit him at his home on the Upper West Side of New York and arrived within minutes of him having been taken to New York Presbyterian.  I went to the hospital, spent some time with him where we shared a deep conversation about personal matters, upon which he assured me we would get together as soon as he got out.

I never saw my mentor and friend again as he succumbed to the disease a week later.

Now I sit here sorting through "stuff" and I wonder:

What would Richard say to me?

Richard would say:

With all the great experiences you have had, this "stuff" is easy.  Focus on what is important, ignore and discard the rest and keep those who are important close to your heart.

Thank you, Richard.  You are right.

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. - Proverbs 18:24

May all of you who read my blog be so blessed with such an incredible friend and mentor.  If you don't have one, make it a priority to find one.

May you be equally blessed to be considered such a mentor by others.

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

 

PS   There is a Chris de Burgh song that always reminds me of Richard.  I enclose the lyrics here - it is a powerful song.

Snows of New York

I can see you now by the light of the dawn,
And the sun is rising slow,
We have talked all night, and I can't talk anymore,
But I must stay and you must go;

You have always been such a good friend to me,
Through the thunder and the rain,
And when you're feeling lost in the snows of New York,
Lift your heart and think of me;

There are those who fail, there are those who fall,
There are those who will never win,
Then there are those who fight for the things they believe,
And these are men like you and me;

In my dream we walked, you and I to the shore,
Leaving footprints by the sea,
And when there was just one set of prints in the sand,
That was when you carried me;

You have always been such a good friend to me,
Through the thunder and the rain,
And when you're feeling lost in the snows of New York,
Lift your heart and think of me;

When you're feeling lost in the snows of New York,
Lift your heart and think of me,
Lift your heart and think of me.

Being Ourselves (or Lessons from a Radical Raisin)

This year, I am the assistant coach for an under-five soccer team.  They are delightful to watch, whether it's the look on their face as they grasp a new soccer concept, the laughter as they play tag when the play has moved up the field, the look of wonder as they scrutinize a bug on the field (oblivious to the game going on around them), the intense look of concentration  as they race to catch up to a teammate or opponent or the devious laughter as they break rank during a drill, openly delighted that they are giving the coaching staff everything they can handle.

When they are tired, they say they are tired.  When they don't like something said or done to them by a teammate or an opponent, they express their discontent (verbally or otherwise).  When they need Mommy or Daddy, they walk off the field, even when they are the last defense between an opponent racing towards them and the goal they are defending.

They are, in essence, the human spirit in perfection - self assured (most times), focused on what is important (in their mind), able to do what they need to do and doing it when they want to do it.  Their needs are simple and yet profound in their simplicity.  We as adults naively believe that we have much to teach them but I wonder if the roles of teacher and student are actually reversed.

There is much we adults can learn from their openness and honesty.  We as adults spend a good bit of our time consumed by what someone else will think about what we did or didn't do, said or didn't say, what someone else requires at the sacrifice of our own needs, etc.  In doing so, we create a lot of excess pressure in our own lives and in turn, strain relationships by avoiding conversations with others; conversations that could strengthen relationships by building them upon honesty, trust and openness rather than building them upon compromise, avoidance and excessive sacrifice with no win-win in sight. 

We miss many opportunities to enjoy the moment because we are too focused on worrying about what everyone else needs instead of answering the call for our own needs and interests.  By constantly avoiding that which we feel is our purpose or passion (for the sake of not offending or disappointing someone else) we miss many opportunities to bring phenomenal success, happiness and fulfillment in our lives.

So here we are at the beginning of another soccer season, parents and kids alike excited about having fun, making friends and acquiring new skills.  As an assistant coach, I also look forward to having fun, making new friends and watching the kids learn.  More importantly, I look forward to the lessons I will learn from these kids.  What they teach us is in many ways, far more profound than what we believe we are teaching them.  Let's be mindful of the big lessons from the small things in life.

Let's go Raisins!

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

Perceiving problems or opportunities

Good day!

I was thinking today about how we perceive things that pop up in everyday life. Living in the 21st century is by no means an easy thing. We are constantly confronted with challenges at work, at home, in relationships, etc. Practically everywhere we turn, things happen that may make life appear more difficult than it really is.

To a large extent, how we approach these challenges determines how easily we overcome them and how much we grow personally from having overcome them. As many of you know, I prefer not to use the word "problem" to describe undesirable situations. Instead, I like to substitute the word "challenge" or "opportunity"? When people put themselves down or state that they cannot overcome something, I correct them and remind them of the miracle of their potential. Why do I do this?

Well, I really believe that we become better people when we are stretched -- either mentally or physically. Just as a chess player only learns from playing (and losing to) players that are better than themselves, we usually make the greatest improvements to ourselves when we are challenged in some way. Many times when challenges arise, I know that by applying myself, and being alert to the challenge, I should be a better person as a result of the experience -- as long as I embrace the opportunity to learn.

That's not to say that sometimes a challenge won't momentarily stagger us. In fact, it's quite normal to be angry or frightened when initially exposed to some challenges.

It takes quite a bit of practice to consistently see the positive side of every challenge. Once we realize the benefits of being able to recognize every challenge as an opportunity to grow, we discover that we are able to address future problems with clearer vision and less stress because we know that we will overcome the challenge and be better for it. Learning to do this also helps us to become a more positive, capable, empowered human being. Whether it is faith in a Higher Power or faith in your ability to overcome challenge, belief that the experience exists to make you stronger should propel you towards successfully overcoming the challenge.

Many of us, when we are stressed, experience and express anger. Often, this may be inadvertently directed towards our children, either expressed as anger, impatience, etc. There is a story that has been floating around for years around how to handle anger and the after effects of anger. The story goes like this:

There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound is still there."

This story comes to mind when I have occasion to be angry and makes me aware of the persistence of doing “the wrong thing”.

It is quite common to forget how to enjoy life in a positive way until we are reminded in some way. For many, the reminder comes in the form of a challenge to their mortality or to the morality of a close friend or relative. When left until then, that person has missed a lot of opportunities to have enjoyed life and to have grown from so many of life's learning experiences.

Many years ago, I had a friend named Donna Butler who was born with a chronic heart condition. With this condition, Donna's family knew that it was a matter of time before she needed a heart transplant or that medical science would provide the technology necessary to correct her failing heart.

Donna and I knew each other from the age of 5 up through the age of 18. I remember her as someone who lived in pain and discomfort every waking moment of her life. However, she looked upon life as something that was delicate, beautiful and something to be cherished. She NEVER had a bad thing to say about anyone or any situation. She was constantly reminded that "today" might be her last day and she treated every day as if it were. When she passed away at the tender age of 18, I lost a wonderful friend who really made a difference to everyone that she came in contact with. What an example she established for everyone who knew her. I’ll bet you know some people in your life who have set similar examples.

Think about how you would live if you knew that today was your last day alive. How would you live that day? Would you react to situations any differently than you currently do? Would you be as cross with your child over a spilled drink? Would you be upset with a spouse or close friend over a simple misunderstanding or a silly argument? When leaving a spouse or significant other to go to work, would you not bother to say "I love you" because you can always say it later (or worse, because you are angry and choose not to say it). When finishing a conversation with a friend, would you forget to appreciate them as a friend because you will see them later? Would you get as stressed over life's challenges if you thought that you would not live to see tomorrow, making the challenge less relevant in the grand scheme of things? Think about it. You have 24 hours to live. Now how important is it that someone just pushed past you in the line at the local fast food restaurant? It's not worth wasting the time to get upset, is it? You have many more important things to do with your limited time.

For me personally, I have been told a few times in my life that I was dying of "some" terminal illness. In the mid 90’s, I was told that I had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and that I had three months to live. By the way, the doctor told me that I shouldn't share this with my wife because it might upset her. I have to admit that I wasn't taking it too well myself!

As my doctor spoke about treatment options which depended on the outcome of some exploratory surgery, my mind wandered back through my life and I thought – “Have I done enough as a person”? If my life ends tomorrow, will I be remembered as a good father and husband? Have I treated my friends and co-workers with the respect that they deserve? The answer, in my mind, was a horrifying no. Even though that was a long time ago now, I still feel that the answer is no. I still let life interfere with the actions that I know to be true and right and at times like that, when I know I have made a major mistake regarding my relationships with those around me, I think back to Donna and her way of living and to how I felt the day I was told I was going to die as a young man. It's sad that I need reminders like this. I hope your reminders come in more benign form.

Here's an exercise that I like to suggest to people. It upsets many of them but it brings the point home quite succinctly.

If you think your life is too complex, or too stress-filled, find yourself a local children's hospital and pay a visit. If you have the courage, go to a local children's cancer clinic. Spend a few hours there and witness what it is really like to have a serious challenge. Experience the pain that these children are experiencing but also feel the strength that these kids exhibit. Speak to a doctor and they will describe incredible stories of hope to you. The kids, their parents and the doctors know that they have serious challenges ahead. However, from the innocence of youth come strength and a positive outlook. These kids are often stronger than their parents. Take a look around you and then reassess your own situation. It doesn't look as bad anymore, does it? I have held more than one grown man in my arms while standing in a parking lot of a children’s hospital, weeping as he realized his priorities and attitudes were not what they should be.

Remember as well, the role that humor can play in helping make your life brighter. People who work with me (or see me outside of work), know me as someone who cracks a lot of jokes, one-liners, etc. (sometimes too many, I know). The reason I do it is to keep the atmosphere around me light and buoyant. I internalize a lot and if I can't keep my mood light and positive looking when certain situations arise, then I get upset. We all know that getting upset doesn't solve anything in the long run. So humor offers a distraction and prevents me from over-analyzing a situation that is not as bad as it would appear if I think about it too deeply!

I'd like to close with a couple of quotes. Einstein once wrote about his three laws of work, namely:

1. Out of clutter, find simplicity.
2. From discord, find harmony.
3. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

I like to refer to them as his three laws of living. The complicated, difficult, challenging thing we call life is actually a wonderful educator that helps us to grow as people. However, we have to view it as a learning opportunity otherwise the opportunity to grow as a person is lost.

William Butler Yeats also has a beautiful quote on living. It is:

"Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived"

Say no more.

Abraham Lincoln wrote that "most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".

Part of viewing life this way ties back to some of our previous posts regarding doing good things for others. Doing good things for others will lighten your spirits and make it easier for you to see life in a positive way.

In parting, try this. Compliment three friends or family members every day regarding some task that they have completed. Say it with sincerity. They will appreciate it -- and you will feel great about it.

Create a great day!

Harry


PS:

I wrote the original version of this post two days before 9/11. Three of the recipients of this email died in the WTC and to this day, serve as a poignant reminder to me of the necessity to treasure every moment. Please take the time to treasure your gifts – they are numerous and incredible.