Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." - Marcus Tullius Cicero

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." - Albert Schweitzer

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 9 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down a road and back again

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

My therapy session started as most of them do. 

My therapist uses a number of different techniques to loosen up my mind before the session starts. Today he used yarrow stalks to cast an I Ching reading. For those who are not familiar with the use of I Ching, I invite you to explore it here.

Today's I Ching result was hexagram 15, interpreted as "humility" or "authenticity". If you are interested, here are some interpretations of this hexagram.

• Cafe au Soul 
• Divination Foundation
• Mothering Change

As he named the hexagram, but before we began to analyze it, he said quickly, "First word that comes to mind."

"Gratitude", popped out of my mouth before I had a chance to reflect.

Gratitude has always been important to me.

People who don't know me well are not familiar with how I started in this world. My parents were married in April and I was born in August. The primary house I lived in until I was seven years of age is shown below.

It had no running water. Our commode was a white enameled pail, and potable water was drawn from a well. The three kids that started here grew up to become a Wall St. strategy guy, a pediatric oncologist in palliative care and an engineer respectively.

In my career, success has come and gone and come again as it does for many who know the thrilling and terrifying cycles of entrepreneurship. Anyone who accompanies entrepreneurs like me deserve a medal of courage as we experience dizzying heights of success and the terrifying darkness of complexity. Many of us have a mantra - "Never look down". Most of the people around us can't resist a peak, and are often terrified of how high the tightwire really is.

If you had told me when I was young that I was destined to live the Life that I ultimately lived, I would have thought you had lost your mind.

As my therapist and I discussed my Life journey today, I was overcome with emotion.

"What are you feeling?" he asked gently.

"I don't know how all of this happened", I replied.

I'm not ashamed to say

I hope it always will stay this way

My hat is off, won't you stand up and take a bow - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

"Let's break down your journey", he said.

My mother always read to my siblings and I with the limited books we had. 

Mrs. Rowe, an early elementary school teacher, fed my insatiable thirst for reading by providing me with more books than I could ever have dreamt of. She asked me a lot of questions about them to make sure that I understood what I was reading.

When I was ten years old, my first librarian allowed me to take out eight books at a time when the limit per person was two.

My dad was strong in mathematics and always helped me with math homework.

Mr. Morgan, my high school geometry and trigonometry teacher, took that math foundation and set it on fire, filling me with a love of mathematics, logic and critical thinking. 

When I found out that he also purchased clothing for kids who couldn't afford their own in the cold winter months, the seeds were planted in me for a future of service. I later learned that he caught a lot of flack from other teachers, and the school system itself, for doing this.

My therapist and I moved from my early childhood years to my career.

Without exception, every significant success in my Life came "by accident". I say "by accident" even though I do not believe in accidents or coincidences. There was no grand strategy in play on my part. There was no masterful, cunning execution by an aggressive (assertive), "brilliant", decisive alpha male.

Everything significant came to me without any intention, desire or action on my part.

My inner child ever needing to be affirmed, said "yes" to practically every opportunity that arrived. Saying "yes" to so many things led to an amazing, Blessed career and Life.  

Saying "yes" to so many things also led to complexity. Relationships are hard to maintain and family time is hard to come by when you're flying at a million miles an hour. People who have come along for the ride often live in terror (remember - don't look down), and then wondered how the hell things fell into place when they were given the time to do so. People who bailed prematurely often missed out on the "harvest". I don't blame them. I would not have had the courage to follow me on the ride either.

And then there were the other things that happened. 

I survived stage four, three-month-terminal cancer, diagnosed in March of 1996. 

I have survived five airplane "incidents": two RPM governance failures on takeoff, a structural integrity compromise during heavy turbulence, a sudden depressurization at cruising altitude and a near mid-air collision on final as I flew into Toronto.

I split my bicycle helmet when I went over my handlebars at 50 km. per hour.

I have had three near lightning strikes (within 25 feet of me each time).

I was mugged five times in NYC. My martial arts background got a little exercise: two were unconscious before they hit the ground (they swung first), two were knocked to the ground and I talked my way out of the fifth incident.

I was stabbed in the side by a man with dementia while waiting for a subway train in Toronto.

I was knocked out by a guy who drove past me from behind with a long piece of lumber sticking out of his car window. At the moment just before the lumber struck me, I thought I heard someone yell "Look out" in my ear. The command caused me to jump and the lumber struck me across the shoulder blades instead of my neck. Interestingly, the witness driving behind the car in question thought I jumped because of the flash by my head that he saw. EMS told me I should have been killed.

What do you think of guardian angels?

The list of things that I have survived is much longer than this. 

The point that became clear to me as my therapist and I went through all of this was that I cannot claim to have had any role in anything significant in my Life.

At all.

God, the Source, a Higher Authority, Goddess, or however you define "something greater than we are", clearly had a major hand in many of the significant events in my Life.

As for the rest, I am nothing without the people who have been in my Life. 

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

Well, you would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

As Newton once said:

"If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Where to start ...

My family. Say no more. Being with an entrepreneur is not easy. I wouldn't have had the courage to be with an entrepreneur like me.

The amazing friends that I have, who I would stack up against any group of friends anywhere for their intellect, their wisdom, their love and their support. How I have deserved to be blessed by them still escapes me.

The mentors who took the time from their busy lives to guide me. They didn't need to. My drive for service is in part my way of saying thank you to them. My inner child, in its need to be recognized, pushed this desire to unhealthy levels.

The people who showed up serendipitously over the years just when I needed them, and waded in to help me unconditionally with whatever I needed help with, are living angels. Some came and stayed. Some stayed for a while and moved on. Their significant impact on me is not dependent on the amount of time we spent together. The fact that we connected matters to me.

The business colleagues whom I have been blessed to forge new paths with are heroes of courage, audacity and perseverance.

The new friends I have made after I survived an attempt to take my own Life. Their offering of wisdom and unconditional love and support as I navigated early shame, confusion and weakness, is something that is transforming me.

The random people whom I encounter every day, either as "that Starbucks guy who always sits at the same table with a mountain of books" or wherever I am blessed to encounter you. You bring light to my day.

The people I have been in relationships with over the years. The list is not long but it sure is quality-filled. I am a better human being because of every one of you.

But as my therapist and I reflected on what I referred to as "the whole smash", there was another group of people who are equally important.

We all know people like the people on this list. They are the people that disagreed with me, fought with me or pissed me off. Some were the people who fired the first shot in many conflagrations. Some were the people who were defending themselves when I fired the first shot. There were the ones who thought they were right in their action.  There were some whom I knew were wrong and deserved whatever they got. 

So I thought.

There were the ones that wounded me or were wounded by me. Sometimes the action was accidental. Sometimes it was on purpose. 

There were the ones who weren't patient with me while I did ten million things at once. It seemed a normal way of living for me while it was frustrating or terrifying to them. However, their perception is their reality. I should have seen their side of it more often.

Today, I realized it didn't matter.

Many of us spend so much time and energy trying to keep score from the past that we lose sight of how to live for the future.

Or, we prevent others from living the future they deserve. throwing obstacles in their path as if we have the karmic authority to judge the sins of others while conveniently overlooking our own. 

In doing so, we violate a simple precept as expressed in this ancient Chinese nugget:

Those who seek revenge dig two graves.

When my therapist and I were finished analyzing all of this today, he gave me some important homework.

I was tasked with the job of cultivating maitri within me. Maitri is the Buddhist philosophy of "placing our fearful mind in the cradle of loving-kindness".  Acts of maitri must be offered free of attachment and thoughts of self-interest.

When cultivating maitri, one must express gratitude to seven circles of people. The circles, from the inner one closest to you to the one furthest from you, are:

• Ourselves (not as easily done as one thinks).
• Family.
• Friends.
• Neutral people (the random strangers we meet on a daily basis or who create products and services that we consume but whom we will never meet).
• People who have hurt us (or whom we have hurt - including the people who really piss you off or whom we have pissed off).
• All of the above as a group (embracing everyone as a group removes imagined barriers between them).
• Everyone through time and space.

If we are honest with ourselves, we are nothing without everyone. 

Everyone.

I once led an exercise with a group of people where we were able to establish that the modest bagel with cream cheese before each of us touched thousands of people. From farmers to bakers to delivery people and everyone in between, it took all those hearts and hands so that we could enjoy such a modest food item.

If it's a car you lack

I'd surely buy you a Cadillac

Whatever you need, any time of the day or night - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

But I wonder if the people who have hurt us intentionally or accidentally, are responsible for revealing the most about us to ourselves. 

I wonder if our greatest leaps in self-discovery and behavior correction are due in large part to that group of people.

It's true that we could never thrive without strong family, great friends, amazing coworkers and the neutral people in our lives.

But what about the people we see as difficult or impossible to be grateful for, either through their actions or the embarrassment of our choices?

Do they not deserve gratitude as well?

I posit that in some cases they deserve the most gratitude of all. 

They are most likely to be the best mirror that reflects back to us who we are, who we think we are and who we would like to be.

Maybe, through interactions and explosions, misunderstandings and attempts to wound, they have contributed to the person that we are today.

Or maybe at some point, they put us on the path to be that person?

Do you know of such a person?

And when we both get older

With walking canes and hair of gray

Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you) - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

One other thought on those people. 

If we examine their inner child and understand the experiences that those people witnessed and endured, I believe it is highly likely that we will feel compassion for their Life, past and present. 

Maybe even unconditional love.

And if we can reach that understanding, maybe we will find it even easier to thank them for who they are in our Life.

I've spent a good part of yesterday and today reaching out to people to express my gratitude for them.

In part, it is to fulfill my therapist's homework request.

But the reality is that my heart needs to do this.

The list is long. If I haven't gotten to you yet, don't sweat it. I'm getting there!

If you are in "that special list", you may be shocked or surprised when you receive my expression of gratitude.

You may be angered by it.

You may be grateful for it.

It's from my heart. There is no reply necessary.

Wherever you are in my maitri list, you have all made my Life better, and for that I am eternally grateful to you.

My successes are entirely due to you and a Higher Authority. You are the giants on whose shoulders I stand, in gratitude, awe and wonder.

My mistakes and failures are my own.

Please be patient with me. 

I'm a work-in-progress.

And when we die and float away

Into the night, the Milky Way

You'll hear me call as we ascend

I'll see you there, then once again - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to schoolmate and Master Warrant Officer (retired), Charles "Charlie" Mercer. He passed away suddenly in 2020. Chris is remembered as a guy who would do anything for anyone in need. He was also someone who could be counted on for some fun shenanigans! I salute your service, your memory, and the people who miss you, Charlie.

---

Long Distance Dedication

I wanted to name names in this post when I wrote it. The people whom I am proud to know as friends (or better) in my Life deserve to be identified for the incredible people that they are in my Life and in the lives of others.

To do this would require permissions to be requested from a lot of very humble people.

You know who you are. 

I am indebted to you.

As for the people in my past who are no longer with us, I can name them and then live in worry that I left out an important person.

They know who they are as well - wherever they are.

But I will dare to name a few of them who appeared in my Life at pivotal moments and who transformed me for the better:

• Margaret Rowe - elementary school, grades 1-3
• Newton B. Morgan - high school, grades 9-11
• Paul J. Johnson - my first boss and mentor
• Gerald Weinberg - my second mentor (long distance)
• Richard Giordanella - who taught me that one can lead with one's heart even on Wall St. (a dedication within a dedication - Chris de Burgh's Snows of New York )
• Colonel Robert M. Johnston - former father-in-law, mentor, colleague and friend, who liked to scare me with stories about nuclear war and alien technology at Wright Patterson AFB while we soaked in his hot tub or played billiards
• Kareen Tucker - my former wife, who "passed away suddenly" in 2018
• Bonita "Bonnie" Petten - defended me in school from bullies and "passed away suddenly" in 2010
• Doug Picirillo - a great friend, mentor and colleague
• Eric Bennett - a great friend and colleague who was lost in the World Trade Center
• Narender Nath - a dear friend and team member who was lost in the World Trade Center 
• Stephen J. Fiorelli - a great friend and neighbor who was lost in the World Trade Center

I will see you again and thank you for what you did for me!

Thoughts on Gratitude and Compassion

While my post is about gratitude, I think unconditional gratitude requires compassion, so that the heart-connection can fully blossom.

Pema Chödrön, in her book, The Places That Scare You, says this about compassion (in conjunction with loving-kindness):

We use the same seven-step aspiration practice to soften our hearts and also to become more honest and forgiving about how and when we shut down. Without justifying or condemning ourselves, we do the courageous work of opening up to suffering. This can be the pain that comes when we put up barriers or the pain of opening our hearts to our own sorrow or that of another being. We learn as much about doing this from our failures as we do from our successes.

In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering, our empathy, as well as cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. 

An area where I really need to grow is in the area of people who are often the easiest to judge and to hate - specifically those whom we label as criminals, terrorists, and the like.

As I noted earlier, when one digs deeply to understand the inner child within those individuals, we can see how that person was created and how we should feel compassion for them. We could have gone down the same path more easily than we realize.

However, compassion for such people should not prevent us from administering punishment or incarceration where warranted. It should also not blind us to the reality that many will commit other crimes if they are not prevented from doing so.

Judging the sin while not judging the sinner is a complex beast. 

Unconditional love, gratitude and compassion is not easy.

But they say that the most difficult things in Life are the ones most worthy of our efforts and aspirations. 

What do you think?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 9.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

The Song

The 1970s produced many great songs. Andrew Gold's Thank You for Being a Friend is no exception.

Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

“Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be." - Jocko Willink

"Everybody's life has these moments, where one thing leads to another. Some are big and obvious and some are small and seemingly insignificant." - Peter Jackson

"There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 8 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries - Everybody Hurts - REM

I'm sitting in my therapist's office listening to my voice emanating from the recording of my hypnotherapy session. Under hypnosis I am reliving the day I nearly took my Life.

If you have ever heard a recording of your voice from a hypnotherapy session, you know how strange it feels. It's your voice and yet, there is a strange disconnect as you hear yourself describing things that are fuzzy in your memory. Or forgotten altogether.

"What do you think of your thoughts leading up to the moment you almost took your Life?" my therapist asked.

"None of them were significant", I said quietly as I looked at my notes.

"In fact", I added, "In retrospect, they seem to be pretty trite things to give up a Life over."

"That's because you are looking at them individually", he replied, "instead of looking at the totality of them. Let's explore this."

He walked over to his office whiteboard and began to list things leading up to my event.

"I know you like space launches and such", he said as he consulted his notes. "Let's write your key thoughts and events down in the form of a countdown." 

On the upper left side of the whiteboard, he wrote, "Fueling - Launch Week Minus 1" and underlined it. Underneath that, he wrote "In no particular order".

He continued writing on the whiteboard.

- "A couple of very important personal relationships explode without warning and the blowback affects others. There are escalations that stretch my brain, and I am wounded by the unexpected outcomes. One in particular alerts me that my family might be in danger." (Reader note: The feeling of danger was perceived to be a legitimate reaction at the moment. Working through things with my therapist has given me a better understanding of the incident. Now I feel empathy for the individuals and have expressed a desire for forgiveness to them for the events that led up to the incident.)

- "My meeting about completing a company acquisition that should have taken three months to complete but took eight years instead, is frustrating. I am carrying the entire company, which is draining me in many ways. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

- "My weekly meeting with the client includes reviewing pictures of human remains. They think it's motivational. I've been doing it for some years and wonder why I'm not reacting to them like I used to. I threw up the first time I saw them years ago. Now I look at them with indifference. Most times."

- "My mobile bill shows that I send and receive 45,000 SMS per month. I have started to keep my phone muted because the chime of an arriving message on my phone, or someone else's, makes me feel anxious instantly."  

- "Lab work indicates that my white blood cell count is of concern. I'm a stage 4 cancer survivor. I can't go through this again."

"My memory has been off for the last few weeks. Should I tell my doctor?"

He pauses and looks at me.

"That's a typical week for me", I protested as I scanned the list.

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on - Everybody Hurts - REM

"I highly doubt that", he replied, "You have a very strong, perhaps crippling, habit of dismissing things as insignificant because you are a natural problem solver. Let's continue." 

He drew a vertical line to the right of the list he had written, dividing the board into two columns.

He writes "Launch Day" at the top of the right column, underlines it and begins to write a new list. 

"Here we go", he said, "The final countdown begins."

8 - "Despite my request to colleagues to never read emails first thing in the morning, I do my own quick scan before leaving the house. The emails are ugly and terrifying. It's just another day for me and I've gotten used to it."

7 - "That was a close call as the guy ran a red light on my walk to Starbucks. He should be paying attention. It's a crosswalk used by many kids on their way to school in the area."

6 - "I signal a family member (in the medical profession) that I am not feeling well but I can't put my finger on what the issue is. I tell her that I am feeling pain but I don't mean it in the usual definition of pain. Her reply is cold, and I feel hurt, confused by how I am feeling and her response to me. I guess I was hoping for something more supportive."

5 - "Why aren't the customers at Starbucks grateful for the privilege of their $7 lattes? Did my colleagues and I burn ourselves out working on public safety just for this?"

4 - "The walk signal is not working as it should - three traffic signal changes in a row without a walk signal and it's freezing outside."

3 - "I scan my phone for important SMS and emails from work as I am walking. There is an attachment that I look at. It is horrific."

2 - "I don't know where I'm walking to. Where the hell am I ?"

1 - "Panic"

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you are not alone - Everybody Hurts - REM

0 - "Launch: Step in front of the bus."

He stood in silence as I reflected on his list.

"Now", he said, "What was the one thing that everyone you worked with found amazing about you?"

"I don't know", I replied.

"Of course you do", he replied. "Everyone tells you that you are like a machine. No matter how many projects you get involved in and no matter how much pressure you are under, you always deliver. No matter how many horrific, graphic images you see, you always deliver solutions to your client as you coach everyone else to look away from the horror. No matter how many outsiders ask for your help, you always say yes to their requests."

He paused.

"Everyone has believed for years that nothing bothers you", he said quietly. "They considered you to be a machine and the way you delivered consistently confirmed their idea of you. Maybe it convinced you of that as well! So why wouldn't they continue to throw more and more things over the wall to you in ever-increasing frequency and intensity?"

"Plus ...", he said hesitatingly, "you never asked for help. Ever. Until you signaled to your family member that you were in trouble, nobody knew at all. Your indication that you weren't feeling well was the only time in your Life that you have ever admitted that you couldn't handle your present situation. The cold reply to the one and only time you have ever asked for help caused you to feel cutoff."

"And ...", he said gently, "it triggered your wounded inner child, reaffirming its old beliefs that you were never worthy - even in your most desperate of moments."

"When the relationships died the prior week", he continued, "They also triggered your inner child's defenses. Your inner child was not only rejected, something it feared constantly, but it was prevented from helping those people moving forward. Helping people was an important way that your inner child received affirmation that it was worthy and it felt that that affirmation had been taken away."

He paused for a moment.

"When you have accumulated an almost unlimited number of significant, traumatic events that would devastate most people", he said quietly, "and an inner voice in the form of your younger self believes you are not worthy of being saved, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge."

"I know you study plane crashes. Many of them originate from events that in themselves are often insignificant. It's the perfect sequence of events with impeccable timing that produces the negative outcome."

"After years of dodging things", he added, "you finally hit the potentially fatal sequence. Fortunately for you, there was enough of your mind left to pull you back from the brink. Not everyone is that lucky."

If you're on your own in this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody cries

Everybody hurts, sometimes - Everybody Hurts - REM

I sat in silence, pondering what had been presented to me. 

"So now what?" I asked.

"Well", he began, "your recovery has already begun. The amount of time on your mobile device has been significantly reduced. You have greatly reduced your time spent on work matters. Your consumption of material that is traumatic to your brain has been reduced to zero."

"Our work on nurturing your younger self has been happening in earnest", he continued, "and it feels less triggered and far less consumed by the need for external affirmation."

"And ....", he said, quietly, "you are not afraid to ask for help or to say no more frequently to requests that don't serve you."

"Is that it?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "Now comes the most important part, and for some, most difficult. You must offer forgiveness to everyone you believe contributed to the moment you almost took your Life. And in turn, you should ask for their forgiveness in case you hurt them, either real or perceived."

"And if they are not interested?" I asked.

"Then offer it unconditionally to the Universe, and allow it to deliver the message", he replied, "If they are meant to reach out to you in this Lifetime, or another, they will. If that happens, receive their message with unconditional love."

"In fact", he said, "make sure unconditional love becomes your way of being. Your world, starting with your upbringing and continuing with your career, has had too much judgement wired into it. It's time to move to unconditional love for others, and for yourself."

"How hard can that be?" I asked.

"I'll bet it will present some of the greatest challenges you have ever experienced", he said.

"But", he said smiling, "It will also present some of the greatest rewards you have ever experienced!"

"Your Life starts over. Today", he said, pointing to a picture of the Hero's Journey on his office wall. "If you could create what you did by accident and sheer will, imagine what you can create with the power of unconditional love."

"You know where you are on the Journey, don't you?" he asked gently.

I nodded but sat in silence, reflecting on his closing words.

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on - Everybody Hurts - REM

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to Michelle H. She took her Life a couple of days ago after failed attempts in the past. I won't include a link to her obituary. She wanted it to look like an accident. Her obituary says, "passed away suddenly". 

There is still a stigma about admitting to people that we lost someone close to us by their own choice. Obituary writers leave it up to the reader to figure out if "passed away suddenly" was something along the lines of a heart attack, stroke or something else. 

Do we honor those we have lost? What about their struggle? When do we do this?

What do you think?

May those close to Michelle find peace in the memory of her Life - a peace that so sadly eluded her.

---

Thoughts on Asking for Help

I was raised to solve my own shit. Men from generations prior to mine believed that this was the mark of a true man. If you suffered, you had to suffer in silence, no matter how intense the difficulty. Perhaps that worked in the past in a "slower" world, although I doubt it. I wonder if people just hid it better.

Looking back on my Life, there were a number of times where asking for help would have allowed me to release powerful negative energy I was accumulating. This would have prevented a harmful blend of toxic thoughts and feelings from proliferating in my 50+ year old mind. 

And after 50+ years of creating significant results, I forgot that I was a human being with limits.

Limits - a word that never crossed my mind until I revealed to myself and others that I was a mere mortal after all.

Many were surprised or shocked. 

Many were saddened and reached out to offer help.

Some were delighted and expressed their happiness cruelly or callously.

But do you know what?

After years of people thinking I was a machine, it feels damn good to be considered a human being.

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book, The Body Keeps Score: The Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, he outlines how energy from trauma and normal Life events accumulates until it reaches a breaking point.

The nature of the breaking point and how it manifests in someone depends on a combination of things, including the upbringing of the individual, the culture they grew up in, the resilience of the individual themselves, the nature of the energy accumulated, the triggering event and other factors.

It also depends on whether they are open to asking for help, receiving it when offered and acting appropriately on it once received.

Do you need help right now?

Are you open to receiving help?

If the answer is yes, don't follow my model of ignoring the signals or the need for help until it's too late.

Waiting as long as I did might produce a result that people close to you will try to understand for the rest of their lives, because you wouldn't be there for them to ask.

If the answer is no, then ask yourself the questions again to be sure of your answer.

I think you're worthy of a great finish.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

Thoughts on Unconditional Love

I have struggled with the concept of unconditional love for a long time. A lot of my work over the years has been in areas where it is easy to condemn people who seek to hurt others.

On top of that, some people who lectured me on the importance of unconditional love were quick to pass judgement on others. Some of them judged me when I almost took my Life. Some even applauded my decision. I don't know if they are disappointed in my survival. Living by example may not be their strong suit.

When asked about unconditional love, I often cited a dark example to counter the idea. In one variation of my response, someone important to you has been seized in an alley and the perpetrator threatens to cut their throat unless you acquiesce to their demands. I have always asked people, "Can you love your way out of that situation?"

In my ignorance, I inadvertently commingled two things. 

First, we are designed in fight or flight situations to do what it takes to survive and to help others survive. In this scenario, there is never a place for unconditional love as our primal wiring kicks in to protect lives. Love is not part of the programming of a fight or flight response.

But secondly, once the fight or flight moment has passed, there is room - dare I say a requirement - to understand the early Life history, cultural impact and other forces that led the perpetrator to commit the act.

This is where unconditional love plays an important role.

I missed the second step, using my example to preclude the perpetrator from receiving unconditional love after "the main event" had passed.

My example was partially right.

But mostly wrong.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone you hate or judge hastily. Dr. Covey described this process in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Specifically, I am referring to Habit 5 - Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Imagine absorbing their childhood.

Imagine living the culture that they grew up in.

Consider the things that they were told and how it was delivered to them.

Examine the things that happened to them.

Now ask yourself if you would have turned out any differently than they did.

And then ask yourself if there is anything about yourself that you wished was different about you.

Are you comfortable with unconditional love?

Do you need it?

If you need it, is it fair to ask that you give it to others also?

Why or why not?

Thoughts on the Hero's Journey

The Hero's Journey is a narrative that attempts to describe the journey of the "average Hero". We are all heroes in some way in this world and I posit that it is an encapsulation of your journey and the journey of everyone around you. More about the Hero's Journey can be found here on Wikipedia.

Here is an image similar to the one used by my therapist, illustrating a "typical" Hero's Journey.

I am somewhere between transformation and atonement.

Can you find your place on this journey?

What does this tell you about what you have learned and overcome in your Life?

What does this tell you about what you need to learn or do next?

What does this tell you about who you need to do it with?

As you reflect upon these things, consider coming up with answers through the lens of the following questions:

1. Where do I go?
2. What do I do?
3. What do I say?
4. And to whom?

What do you think should happen next?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 8.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

Song Choice

The powerful ballad, Everybody Hurts, by REM, was written as a song about suicide. The writer, Bill Berry, hoped to create a song that was "reachable" by everyone, especially teenagers.

In a later interview, singer Michael Stipe said this about how it felt to release a song that potentially saved lives. 

"It saved a few. People have told me. And I love hearing that. That's for me, that's my Oscar, that's my gold on a shelf right there... that something we did impacted someone's life in such a profound way. That's a beautiful thing."

 Without further adieu, Everybody Hurts, by REM.

Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?

“There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." - John F. Kennedy

"Action expresses priorities." - Mahatma Gandhi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide, domestic violence and nuclear war. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 7 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

I'm sitting in my therapist's office. The room is silent except for the ticking of the clock on the wall.

"Something is on your mind", he said studying me carefully, "I'm ready when you are."

"Two things are on my mind", I replied, "The first is an old story about belling the cat."

"I'm not familiar with that story", he said, "But I would love to hear it."

"It goes like this", I began. 

"A group of mice were arguing in a mouse hole one day about a cat that had been terrorizing them. With every passing day, the cat would sneak up on one of them without warning and would make off with the unsuspecting victim. The mice were now tired of this and were arguing about what to do about the villain."

"Many ideas were discussed, hotly debated and discarded. Finally, one mouse suggested that if they put a bell on the cat’s neck, then their nemeisis would no longer be able to creep up on them unawares."

"Recognizing the brilliance of the solution, the mice spent considerable time congratulating themselves on how they had solved the problem. When the cacaphony of their celebration subsided, their expressions of self-congratulations were interrupted by a lone voice in the back of the mouse hole."

"'The solution may be brilliant', observed a wise old mouse, 'but who will bell the cat?'"

"Silence filled the mouse hole and eventually the mice went about their business, realizing that there is a big difference between being full of ideas and having the courage to carry them out."

As I completed the story, I took a breath but said nothing.

"Wow", my therapist said, "That's a powerful story. Why is it on your mind?"

"I'm not sure", I replied, "But it may have something to do with this persistent dream I've been having for a couple of weeks."

"Please go on", he urged gently.

"Well", I began, "In my dream, someone ..."

I gestured air quotes around "someone" and paused,

"Someone", I repeated, "Keeps visiting me and insisting that I need to learn something from them, but I'm not sure what that something is."

"Is that all?" he asked.

"No", I replied, hesitating, "Before they tell me that I need to listen, they make a point of showing me some of the things that I have worked on over the years. When they have done that, they tell me that I need to pay attention to the lesson that follows. However, I never remember the lesson, and often I wake up with a start as the dream concludes."

I have done all that I could

To see the evil and the good without hiding

You must help me if you can - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Can you tell me about some of the things that they highlight?" he asked.

"I guess", I replied, "It's a mixed bag of stuff. There was a project where I was helping a client determine the mortality rate of low yield nuclear weapons for major cities in North America. It's pretty complicated when you have family that becomes a statistic in the model that you are working on."

"Excuse me?" he interrupted, "You were doing what?"

I ignored the question and continued. 

"Then there were other projects where we helped clients prevent bad events from happening in North America and Europe. I can't really discuss this in detail, but one of my client's favorite tools to motivate us was to send us gruesome pictures of what could happen if we were not successful in a timely fashion."

My therapist stared at me but remained silent.

"How many photos of dead and mutilated bodies have you looked at recently?" I asked nonchalantly. 

He shook his head.

"Then there are the projects that I've been involved in around domestic violence", I said, "Helping victims of emotional, physical and financial abuse get out from underneath the people who hurt them."

"I don't want to get into the details of that either", I said, after a brief pause, "But between my team and I, we have helped hundreds of people just with the domestic violence stuff. I have no idea how many thousands of people we have helped with the other projects I mentioned."

I paused before adding, "Mostly women when it comes to domestic violence."

"I see", my therapist said, clearing his throat, "That's quite a list to be carrying in your head. Did your client, as you refer to them, provide emotional support as you performed these tasks?"

"For the things I did that involved them", I replied, "They did, but I think it was more to keep us balanced enough to keep providing solutions to them. I'm not sure that they cared enough about us as human beings."

I paused as I reflected on the help that I had received.

"And", I offered, "I think they used their emotional support to gauge whether or not we were lucid enough to not offer services to someone counter to their interests. That's a guess, though."

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what is wrong

Was I unwise to leave them open for so long - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne 

"I can't really get into details", I said, "Sorry. There's a lot more than that but that gives you a sense of what I am carrying around in my head. Maybe it's no wonder I decided to take my own Life. I've spent too much time in the heads of evil people without having someone to share it with so I could release the negative energy I've accumulated."

"I understand", he replied, gently, "Where do you want to go with this?"

"Well", I said, "I look at what's happening all around the world and in our backyard. Nobody seems to care about anything except the color of their next iPhone or what the next vacation they can't afford looks like."

I hesitated.

"A lot of people spending money they don't have on things they don't need", I said, "The banking system is close to ruin, governments have long since lost control of the bus they told us was being driven so skillfully, and the world is close to melting in a number of ways, including a nuclear disaster."

"On top of that", I added, "People in our own society are crushed as debt, violence and drugs overtake their world, while governments attempt to placate public opinion by telling them that these are the best of times. It's becoming more and more the best of times for a select few. While some government agencies promote these days as amazing, people within the same governments plan for the disaster they know will come when the rubber band that is society is stretched too far. How is that for hypocritical?"

"Do you really think that nuclear disaster is close at hand?" he asked, irritating me with the one thing he picked out, "After all, as long as the President is coherent, we will never launch first. I would like to think that the other side has similar controls in place."

I laughed at the idea of finding a coherent President who wasn't controlled by someone with ulterior motives. 

"You can't be serious", I asked, incredulously, "Do you not know that in all countries that have the bomb, there are hundreds of people in each country who have their equivalent of launch codes?"

"Really?" he asked, surprised, "Why would they take the risk?"

"Because", I said, "Redundancy is essential for assuring a military response if needed. But therein lies the complexity. Too many people can let things fly without authorization from the top."

'Cause I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"So", I suggested, carefully, "The opportunity for a rogue to start a war is more real than you think. Then you factor in aging systems that are not completely stable. And then, factor in the new missile system, the LGM-35A Sentinel that is being built on IT software that will be nowhere near as tested and secure from outside hackers as the old stuff was. See where I'm going with all of this?"

Neither of us said a word, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Can we bring the conversation back to your dreams?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Sure", I replied.

"Why do you think that you keep dreaming about this stuff over and over?" he asked, "And why do you remember all of that, but when you get to the lesson that you're supposed to take away from your dream, you don't remember that? That, I would think, is the most important part of the dream?"

"If I knew the reason", I replied, a little tartly, "I wouldn't need to talk to you about it."

He ignored my rude remark, but I felt obligated to offer an apology for my sharp answer.

"It's ok", he said, "I see that it's bothering you. There are no judgements in this room." 

People go just where they will

I never noticed them until I got this feeling

That it's later than it seems - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think what's bothering me", I said, "Is that nobody cares anymore. People like my colleagues and I put our own physical and mental well-being on the line for people on a daily basis, and for what?"

"Well", I added, correcting my generalization, "It's not that nobody cares. It's that not enough people care. We don't have a critical mass to change the course of society to one that honors the sense of urgency around taking care of each other. It makes me feel like I wasted my time and career saving people."

He waited for me to continue.

"Did I absorb a lot of punishment for nothing?" I asked, shaking my head, "Did a blend of my younger self, constantly seeking affirmation, and my adult self with a generous heart, lead me down this path for nothing?"

I paused.

"Did I choose to take my own Life partially out of seeing the futility of a Life of service for nothing?" I asked, my eyes misting.

"Are the women you helped better off because of your help?" he asked. 

"Most of them", I replied, "I lost a few who, for a variety of reasons, fell back into the clutches of their batterers and manipulators. Being hurt feels more comfortable for those women and causes them to trust what they knew - even violence - over someone who would help them.  For these women, kindness evokes a sense of suspicion. And some batterers are brilliant in their techniques of isolating the victim and pulling them back for more abuse. I guess I'm preaching to the choir on that. Sorry."

"Still", he said, "The majority have benefited significantly."

I half nodded, half shrugged, in silence.

"And for the times you helped thwart violence against common citizens", he added, "Don't you think they're grateful?"

"No", I replied, "They will never be grateful. They will never know the physical and emotional sacrifice made by so many people in secret so that they can continue to live their Life of happiness or ignorance. There are few public heroes in our space."

"Ignorance is bliss", he said.

"If ignorance is bliss", I responded, "Why aren't more people happy?"

My sharp response temporarily silenced both of us.

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what you see

I hear their cries

Just say if it's too late for me - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think the second part of your dream reveals the important answer you seek", he offered, "What we need to do is to teach you a technique that will help you remember that part of your dream. Are you willing to try something?"

"Sure", I replied, "It beats waking up every morning at 3:30 just as the big reveal is supposed to happen."

"Good", he said, reaching for a book and handing it to me.

"Lucid dreaming?" I asked.

"Yes", he replied, "I think this will help you uncover what you are suppose to receive from the people in your dream."

"And what do I do in the meantime?" I asked.

"You carried it this long", he replied, "A little longer will be ok. Patience is the key."

Patience. My nemesis. Well, one of them.

Doctor, my eyes

They cannot see the sky

Is this the prize

For having learned how not to cry - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Try the technique outlined in this book for a week and we'll see if we can figure out what someone is trying to tell you", he said.

To be continued - hopefully with the answer.

With love,

Harry

---

Addendum - April 22, 2024

Some people sensed anger in this post. There wasn't anger. There was fear. I fear that by the time people wake up to see how the world is evolving, it will be too late. When that happens, the people who cared the least will likely be the ones who complain the most that they didn't see it coming and that no one warned them. 

It reminds me of when I ring my bicycle bell as I overtake walkers from behind. No matter how many times I ring it and yell "Passing on your left", some jump with startlement and yell profanities as I pass them. They couldn't hear me with their headphones on but, from their perspective, startling them was entirely my fault. 

Saving the world is a shared responsibility, not one that belongs to a select few.

Blame for its demise is also a shared responsibility.

I fear for the future of my family, friends and colleagues.

I fear for the future of yours also.

Fear can either paralyze or motivate.

I think we need more people to be motivated to make the world a better place.

I think that includes people like you.

What do you think?

Addendum - May 1, 2024

After a couple of weeks of practicing the lucid dreaming technique, I was finally able to obtain the message that I've been trying to receive from my dreams for quite a while. 

It is unlikely one that will be shared in a public forum. 

But then again, one never knows! 🙂

The technique is highly recommended for those who are unfamiliar with it.

Thoughts on Nuclear War

My former father-in-law, USAF Colonel Robert M. Johnston, now passed away, served in the USAF and the Strategic Air Command. I remember many a night where we would have discussions over the number of times a nuclear war was almost launched by accident. He always believed that we were alive by accident.

For more information on nuclear wars that almost started by accident, I refer you to the following articles:

• NY Times - Nuclear War: The Rising Risk, and How We Stop It
• Air and Space Forces Magazine - The Near Nuclear War of 1983
• Slate - 1983: The World Came Much Closer to Nuclear War Than We Realized
• Wikipedia - Nuclear Close Calls

For a tongue-in-check analysis of our nuclear war arsenal, I refer you to this dated but still relevant John Oliver piece.

Daniel Ellsberg, one of the architects of nuclear detente in the 1960s based on the horror of mutually assured destruction, wrote a powerfully disturbing book in 2018. The book,  The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner, describes how we have lost control over who launches the missiles in America. It also tells the chilling story of how modern military advisors tell US presidents that a limited strike-first nuclear war is winnable, with minium casualties. All sides believe this is possible now. So one of the things that kept us alive, that no one would strike first, is off the table. Secondly, the belief that a nuclear war can be engaged and won with minimal deaths, means that it is now something that can be casually considered. 

Van Wishard, an advisor to multiple US presidents and a mentor of mine, used to tell me often that I needed to stop worrying about where the world was going in regards to nuclear war since the outcome was unavoidable and could not be stopped. Instead, he often told me that it was better to invest in helping people rise from the ashes of the inevitable. Of all the things he told me over the years, it was the only thing that I didn't receive well from him. I thought it was defeatist instead of being proactive (sorry, Van) and helping people rise from the ashes of an unsurvivable event seemed to be a contradiction to me. Maybe Van knew something that I either didn't know, or didn't want to believe.

I wonder how many US presidents have received the same type of defeatist guidance? This would have a profound impact on their decisions in times of global difficulty.

For those who like a deeper analysis of new missile systems, here is a quoted summary of the cons of deploying the LGM-35A Sentinel. Skip it if you don't like gory details or realities.

GBSD critics include former Secretary of Defense William Perry; the late Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers whistleblower and author of The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner; the Friends Committee on National Legislation (FCNL); the Union of Concerned Scientists (UCS); the Federation of American Scientists (FAS); and Peace Action. They argue that the new missiles would be not only costly, but also dangerous, increasing the risk of accidentally launching a nuclear war. Critics say that the targeting of ICBM silos, which are supposed to act like a sponge drawing nuclear weapons to deplete Russia's nuclear power, could result in the deaths of more than 10 million people. Ellsberg and author Norman Solomon argue that peace groups must oppose not only the GBSD but also the entire land-based leg of the nuclear triad to reduce the threat of an accidental nuclear war.

Physicist David Wright, former co-director of the UCS Global Security Program, in his report Rethinking Land-Based Nuclear Missiles, writes that submarine-launched ballistic missiles (SLBMs) are as accurate, if not more, than land-based missiles, and are "virtually undetectable," making the ICBMs not only obsolete but also sitting ducks in the five states that house ICBMs. Wright concludes that the vulnerability of ICBMs has prompted the Air Force to keep them on high alert, which is dangerous and could trigger a nuclear war. According to William Hartung, author of Prophets of War: Lockheed Martin and the Making of the Military-Industrial Complex, a president would have only minutes to decide whether to launch ICBMs in a crisis so that the missiles would not be destroyed in a first strike. Source.

Remember: The people who make these decisions are safe (albeit temporarily) if things "go wrong". You and your family are not.

How would you feel if you repeatedly saw the briefs for years that described in gruesome detail how your family is likely to die?  "Bleeding from every orifice in your body" is the one quote that I've never been able to forget.

How would you feel if you read the summaries that inform you that your family is better dying instantly than being left to survive the aftermath?

Would you be able to take care of your family knowing that in our just-in-time supply delivery system, every major city would be reduced to anarchy in 48-72 hours, with limited fuel and food and no electricity, natural gas or running water? 

Do you think you could absorb this information for years without doubting your sanity?

If you're not bothered at all by these questions, you are maybe one of the people that my colleagues question are worth saving. How does that make you feel? 

Governments don't share the truth either. It doesn't promote minion productivity if you know realities.

If you are bothered, what do you need to do?

Who do you need to speak to?

When?

How about now?

Thoughts on Domestic Violence

Domestic violence continues to grow throughout North America. People think of bruises, broken bones and the like.

Modern domestic violence is more insidious because much of it is invisible. Emotional and financial abuse is rampant in society, and yet the courts are reluctant to do much if anything about offering more protection to victims.

There are a lot of talking heads with "amazing" analysis, with their egos screaming about their expertise about nothing of value except their own self-promotion on the subject.

There are a few people who actually know what they are talking about and they need to receive the same, if not more attention than people paid tens of millions of dollars to play a sport.

Maybe people in the judicial system haven't been personally affected by domestic violence and so they don't have the same motivation to fix the system.

Maybe some of them have secrets.

I know government ministers who have committed egregious sins against colleagues. I have tangled with some of them in the past. They lost. 

I know people who are abusing victims while the miscreant is in jail. It's easier than you think to accomplish this.

If someone close to you were a victim of domestic violence, you would do whatever was in your power to protect them.

Maybe someone close to you is a victim and you don't know it.

And if you're someone who commits violence, justice will eventually find you. If you knew the surveillance programs being developed to identify you, you would realize this.

But that would be the stuff of Big Brother conspiracy, wouldn't it? 

Do you believe that violence against women is ok?

Of course you don't.

So rather than shake your head about it, why don't you help myself and others bell the cat in the system?

Victims are waiting ... desperately.

What are you waiting for?

Lessons on Mental Health

Many times in my Life, my younger self needed to be affirmed as a hero, saving others. My adult self needed to never leave someone in distress. This often created great complexity for me. Too many times I cared more about people's safety and well-being than they did, and I often spent many multiples of effort more than they did to save themselves. I absorbed a lot of stress doing this and sometimes, when feeling great pressure from the imbalance, withstood extra punishment and accusations of "abandonment" when I tried to free myself from the harmful, out-of-balance relationships.

If you ever find yourself caring more about someone's health than they do, I urge caution. If you absorb the level of pressure that I did, for as many times as I did, you may end up creating health issues for yourself. Many times the people you are trying to help will not be aware of the stress you are under, or won't care about it. Either way, make sure you protect yourself before taking on this complexity.

I didn't pay attention to it and it added significant stress to my Life.

Sometimes kindness kills the healer.

Don't let this happen to you. 

At what point does lifting others take priority over your own health?

Is it healthy to be a martyr some of the time? 

How about all of the time?

How about none of the time?

Who determines the difference between a saint and a martyr?

How do you know?

Thoughts on the Energy in this Post

Some people reading this post may sense an undertone of anger. One of the things that I have let go in my therapy is judgement and anger requires judgement.

However, for a species that is allegedly at the apex of its evolution, we are at risk of descending to the absolute bottom of our evolutionary potential. Meanwhile, people suffer unnecessarily, incessantly and unfairly.

So what you may interpret as a sense of anger is actually a sense of extreme urgency for people to step up and collaborate to pull us from the brink in all the areas where we are failing. We must also do a much better job of holding public officials accountable for our safety on a global scale.

I think you, your family, your friends and everyone important to you and to the world are worth it.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 7.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

The great Jackson Browne with Doctor My Eye.

Life: A Question of Free Will

“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. - Alan Watts

"The illusion of free will is itself an evolved trait, beneficial for social cohesion but ultimately divorced from reality." - Steven Pinker

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 6 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

There are those who think that life has nothing left to chance

A host of holy horrors to direct our aimless dance

A planet of playthings, we dance on the strings of powers we cannot perceive

The stars aren't aligned or the Gods are malign, blame is better to give than receive - Freewill - Rush

It is close to midnight as I drive down a quiet, dark road just southeast of Calgary. 

Every once in a while I am compelled to go for a drive, usually late at night. The destination is about 20 minutes from my house, and I am drawn there almost as if by command. It's an irresistable force, like when you have been fasting all day and notice that your favorite dessert is sitting on the kitchen counter. 

Going for drives to remote areas like this has been a regular occurrence for me since I was 17 years old. No matter where I live, I always find a place early after my arrival in the new locale, where I am subsequently called to go to on a semi-frequent basis. When I go there, I usually don't remember parking and after the passing of a few hours, I find myself starting up my vehicle to go home. The time always passes without any awareness on my part. I've never been drunk or tried drugs in my Life, so let's not go there.

Some of the incidents have included bizarre moments, including one when I panicked after I arrived  - something didn't feel right. On that night, the electrical system in my vehicle failed totally, and my mobile phone died simultaneously, as I attempted to flee. However, whatever event I was about to experience was interrupted when another driver appeared on the scene at that moment. He stopped to provide assistance and could find nothing wrong with my Toyota. My vehicle and mobile phone returned to a normal state within a couple of minutes and we both laughed it off as a coincidence as we wished each other a good night.

A couple of times as I pulled off the road, my headlights caught sight of "someone" waiting for me. "It" was very tall, arms extended slightly from its side in a slightly threatening way, like a gunslinger from the old West waiting to "draw". I don't remember anything after seeing it but it always looked threatening. Darkness can play havoc with one's mind, especially when no one is within miles of you.

One time, I thought I had pulled in and turned around to leave immediately. But something called me back to the spot the next morning. When I returned, I noticed my footprints in the soft mud from the night before, preserved  by the overnight frost. They proceeded from where the vehicle would have been turning around and led towards an empty field, where they disappeared into the stubble. I don't even remember stopping, let alone getting out of the SUV. However, I did remember as I backed up, that I saw a flash of someone on my backup cam as they ran behind the vehicle, moving from the passenger side to the driver side. I also remembered being startled at the unexpected sight. Being in the middle of nowhere added to my sense of urgency to turn around and leave quickly. I guess I didn't leave as quickly as I thought.

Sometimes, if I am passing by the area late at night for no reason in particular and have people with me, the same type of event occurs. All of us experience the "missing time" for which we cannot account. 

It has frightened the people who have experienced this with me.

It took me a lot of years to get over being angry or afraid of it and while I accept it, I'll never get used to it.

When I get home from these events I usually experience feverish dreams once I climb into bed. The dreams are often strange or disturbing ones where "people" are trying to explain things to me. Upon awakening, I write down what I can remember from my troubled slumber. Many times, what I wrote down provides the solution to something I've been working on professionally or personally. 

My mother, the good Roman Catholic that she is, believes that I go to meet guardian angels, although I wonder why they would skulk around in remote areas in the middle of the night. Other people have their theories. I don't have any of my own. I'm evidence-based and without evidence, I am unable to suggest anything useful or believable.

I call them visitors. It seems convenient for want of a better label.

"3 ... 2 ... 1 ...", a voice quietly speaks to me, "Come back to me, Harry."

I open my eyes and my therapist is looking at me, his brow furrowed with concern.

"How do you feel?" he asked, as he turned off the recording app on his phone.

"Like I want to throw up", I replied weakly, "Recounting this stuff is always difficult for me."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I did some research", he said, "And I found that up to 6% of the population in North America experiences some form of missing time just as you are describing it."

He paused before adding, "That's a lot of people."

"When this first started happening to me", I replied, "I thought I was losing my mind. I went through a battery of tests to determine if I had a tumor, epilepsy or something else that might be responsible."

"When they checked my brain", I added, "They said they found nothing."

We both laughed at the over-used joke.

"Why do you go?" my therapist asked.

"I usually can't help myself", I replied, "It is difficult to explain."

I paused before offering, "Although sometimes it feels ominous like I might get into trouble if I go. Those, I am able to resist a little easier. I can also resist going if I have someone that I can speak to for a while when the compelling feeling comes over me. This allows me to distract myself, and the feeling eventually fades away."

"And who do you think they are?" he asked.

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose Freewill - Freewill - Rush

"I have no idea", I said as I shrugged, "All I know is that I don't think I have ever been hurt by them."

"You've been wanting us to explore this for a while", he said, "Why is this so important to you?"

"Well", I began, "I wasn't sure if the presence of whatever this is was a contributor to my incident a few weeks ago. I explored this with a different therapist years ago, but I found it made me physically ill to do so, and so I discontinued the exploration."

I paused.

"I guess I'm curious about whether the existence of whatever this is added to the stress I was feeling at the time of my incident", I offered.

"It's difficult to say", my therapist said, "Since we don't know what it is or what its intentions are for you."

"The other thing that has always bothered me", I added, "Is that I find it very difficult to resist them when I get called out."

"So you have no free will when it comes to the visitors, as you call them?" he asked.

"Most times, I don't seem to", I replied.

"Free will is an interesting challenge in today's world", my therapist, "There was a quote I read some years ago that went along the lines of the illusion of free will being shattered upon the realization that every decision we make is merely a product of our genetics, upbringing, Life experiences and environment."

"It sounds plausible", I replied, "But I don't see what that has to do with this."

"When you decided to take your own Life, you thought of the bus driver and your family", my therapist said, leaning towards me, "You changed your mind. You had the free will to prevent yourself from taking your Life at that moment. So while you struggle with free will and your visitors, you clearly have it sometimes."

I shrugged, clearly missing the point he was trying to make.

"Maybe", he said, "Our free will runs on autopilot unless a special moment, or a stronger external force, arises that takes us outside of the programming that dominates our mind."

"Or ...", his voice trailed off, "Maybe a Higher Power intervened."

"What kind of Higher Power?" I asked, "What does that mean?"

"Well", he said, searching for words, "I guess it depends on your beliefs. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's your visitors. Maybe they're one in the same."

"I still don't know what are you saying", I said with frustration.

"Well", he said, hesitatingly, "Maybe your visitors had a hand in convincing you to not step in front of the bus. Maybe they were compelling you even then."

"Do you really think that's possible?" I asked.

"I'm not sure", he replied, "Again, we know nothing of them, their origins or their intentions."

He paused.

"Anyway", he said, "The Higher Power thing is too complex for us to get into today, but I insist that we do get back to it at some point. However, I do have this thought on breaking out of autopilot."

He pulled out a book, thumbed through it as he looked for a specific page, and then began to read.

"It's not what the vision is, it's what the vision does. Once a structure exists, energy moves through that structure by the path of least resistance. In other words, energy moves where it is easiest for it to go. You got to where you are in your life right now by moving along the path of least resistance."

"That's from The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz", he said, as he closed the book.

"So what you are telling me", I replied, "Is that we are all drifting along, following this path of least resistance. We will continue to float along in this mix of idyllic bliss and wasted potential unless something happens, or is done to us, that awakens us from this dream."

"Possibly", he replied, "How many of your actions have we traced back to your psychological younger self in its desperate need for affirmation? How many of them happened without thought, or seemingly without your control or guidance?"

I bit my lip, ashamed of the reminder of how my Life on autopilot had produced a blend of success and disaster. 

"Well", I said, half jokingly to deflect from my embarrassment, "You have to admit that all of my victories and defeats have always been large. I never wasted my time on small events."

"That's not funny", he replied.

"Sorry", I replied, feeling stupid for offering such a remark.

"Now", he replied, "Think of all the people you have interacted with in your lifetime. Imagine that most of those people, without the sudden cranial defibrillator of an intense moment, as you experienced, are also operating on autopilot. Many of them are likely following their path of least resistance without a thought."

He paused as I soaked up the idea.

"Blindly following that path", he added, "Now imagine the accidental successes and  significant disasters that they create while on autopilot. Maybe the outcomes are more likely due to luck, fate or something else. "

"Or", he said quietly, "Someone else."

I still said nothing.

"Imagine how many things they did on autopilot because of the programming they received through their younger years", he continued, "Just as you witness in your own behavior."

"Now think of how much more forgiveness they deserve because of this", he suggested, "We judge people, ignoring the programming they have been receiving their whole Life. Now consider this. Much of what they do, good and bad, was instilled in them from youth by their parents. Do you agree with this idea?"

"It makes sense", I replied.

"If you accept that", he said, "Then you must accept that their parents were in turn, similarly influenced by their parents, good and bad, and so on, and so on, and so on."

"Ok", I answered, gesturing him to continue.

"So if you accept that, then you must accept that we are the culmination of generations of ancestors", he said, "This is a concept that the Buddhists call habit energy. So! We are living our lives based in part on the results, and choices of unknown generations before us."

"If we could address this habit energy", he continued, "We could find it easy to forgive people and find a way to restore free will in them, freeing them from the shackles of the negative choices and beliefs of their ancestors. "

"What I'm trying to tell you", he added, "Is that your event has brought you face to face with being much more intentional with your Life. This provides you with an opportunity to use your background and your present experience to explore this for yourself and gift it to others. It is a great gift if used properly."

"What if I hadn't survived this moment of enlightenment?" I asked somewhat mockingly.

"But you did", he replied, "So your point is moot."

"If this is such a gift", I replied, "How can other people receive it? I mean, after all, the experience I had was not only terrifying, but we can't very well go around telling people that they can receive enlightenment if they survive a suicide attempt."

I hesitated, choosing my words carefully.

"And", I said quietly, "I want to know why the thought of visitors interfering with me taking my own Life came to mind for you."

"That I cannot answer for you", he replied, "But what if a place could be created that helps people neutralize the bad effects of habit energy and amplifies the good effects. And what if this place could help them see the effects of habit energy on others?"

"And", he said, "Maybe this place could also be open to helping people understand other things in their lives. Stuff like spirits, guardian angels, visitors or whatever they want to call them."

"It's an interesting idea", I replied, "I had been thinking of building a healing place before my event, but it hadn't completely come into focus."

"Well", my therapist replied, "I would suggest that your need to heal yourself may have lit the path of purpose for this. Maybe you were pushed in this direction! Maybe you were forced to come face to face with your mortality as a call to action for yourself and others."

"I am amazed at the seeker of purity who, when it's time to be polished, complains of rough handling ...

When someone beats a rug, the blows are not against the rug but against the dust in it." - Rumi 

"Something or someone did this to me against my will?" I asked, incredulously, "I don't have the strength right now to build this so it would be pretty stupid for someone to draw me towards taking my own Life and then thwart my attempt."

"Well", he replied, "I have two responses. First, do you know of any other way to get the attention of someone whose mind is so focused on things as you often are?"

I shrugged.

"And secondly", he continued, "Who said you needed to build it by yourself? That's something else we need to talk about - your need to own everything."

"I don't have a need to own everything", I said a little hotly.

"We will talk", he replied.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

Thoughts on the Visitors

The visitor events that I described in this post have accompanied me, my family and some friends for years. I wrote about it years ago in the post Too Many Questions - Not Enough Answers.

Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with this happening to you and your family.

Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with not understanding the why of it.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you were not able to prevent it from happening.

What would you do to protect your family from this?

How can you be so sure?

Thoughts on Free Will

Robert Fritz's intriguing book The Path of Least Resistance - Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life is an interesting read.

The argument over free will is too difficult to get into here. Some people believe we have none. Some believe we have full free will. I believe that artificial walls are created for the reasons explained in this post, and we live with partial free will within these self-limiting walls. Such free will is also influenced by external forces that we cannot control, making full control of our destiny not possible. We do the best we can within the constraints we are given from our present and our past. Or do we?

Do you believe that you have full autonomy over everything in your Life?

How can you be so sure?

Does your current Life prove you to be right?

What should you be doing about this?

Do you think that something other worldly could influence your free will?

Are you sure?

Building a Place of Healing

The idea of building a place of healing has been on my mind for a bit - the original seed having been inspired by someone important to me. When the idea first took root, I embraced it so fast that the other person was startled. I believe now that the reason I needed to build it so fast was because I somehow knew that I needed it also.

My journey through self-discovery has taught me the importance of collaboration. I thought I was a strong collaborator before. I wasn't even close.

Was I forced, aggressively, to move towards accelerating the development of this place?

I don't have the answer.

Do you?

Does it matter?

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Would it be easier to forgive someone if we realized that many of the things that they do are being driven by habit energy?

Would we insist that others forgive us if we thought we did things as a result of this habit energy?

Would we be consistent when it comes to expecting and giving forgiveness knowing that this is a possibility?

Do we have less of an excuse to do inexcusable things once we become aware of the potential contained within habit energy? 

Did I at least make you think differently about this?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 6.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

As always, when I reference a song, I like to share it. Freewill, by Rush!