Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse 

 Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 10 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

"To everything turn, turn, turn

There is a season turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under Heaven" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"That's quite the list", a voice said breaking the silence in the room.

I turned towards the source of the observation. My therapist was staring at the whiteboard on his office wall.

I looked back towards the whiteboard. Most people prefer their therapy take place from the comfort of the classic chair or couch. My therapy sessions have centered around my place of comfort - a place that evolved after decades in the business world of Wall St. and elsewhere.

The whiteboard.

We were revisiting the ways I could have died in years gone by (the list can be found in the post Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness).

"Of all the ways you could have died against your choice or will", my therapist began, "you survived them all and then almost took your own Life."

I shrugged but said nothing, fighting a tinge of shame that still lurked somewhere in my subconscious. I am betrayed by my eyes, misting as I think about the result that I had missed by seconds.

"A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"How do you feel today?" he asked.

"Stronger", I replied quietly, "Better. Grateful. Blessed. Other things that are difficult to describe. I still have difficult moments though."

My therapist nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you remember when we listed the physical injuries you have sustained in your Life?" he asked.

I nodded as my mind replayed the list quietly.

• Broken feet - both, multiple times.
• Broken hands - both.
• Broken ribs.
• Broken lower back.
• Fused vertebrae in my neck from an unknown injury.
• Broken collarbone - three times.
• Ruptured calves - both.
• Torn hamstrings - both, multiple times.
• Torn quads - both, multiple times.
• Torn adductors - both.
• Torn rotators - both, multiple times.
• Fractured skull.
• Level 3 concussion - not related to the skull fracture.

All from separate accidents, and yet I was blessed that none of them created chronic issues after they had healed.

I reached up as if by habit, and mindlessly rubbed the spot where I had fractured my skull in an office in NYC.

"What do you feel when you rub that spot?" he asked.

"I feel the lump where my skull repaired itself", I replied. "The bone is now thicker there than elsewhere on my head."

"The body is a miracle", my therapist replied. "Your skull is now much stronger in the area where it repaired itself."

"Your mind has the same ability to be stronger after an injury", he added. "What do you think of this?"

"I'm not sure", I replied. "Sometimes I still feel vulnerable."

"That's normal", he replied. "It will take a while for your mind to completely heal."

He began flipping through his notes.

"Shortly after you began seeing me", he continued, "I asked you what you thought about the people around you after you almost took your Life. Do you remember?"

"Yes", I replied, "I divided my world into three groups of people."

"Go on", he said.

"Well", I began, "There were the people who supported me after I almost took my Life. There were those who abandoned me - angry with me, ashamed of me or disappointed in me."

I paused.

"They saw me as weak", I said. "Some people even celebrated the fall of someone like me. Although when they see me in public now, they avoid eye contact with me."

I paused again, reflecting on the pain that thought brought me.

"And there were the people who I thought contributed to me making my decision to take my Life", I said quietly.

"A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

There was silence in the room. 

"Now how do you see those people?" he asked.

"I imagine their early beginnings", I said quietly, "their childhoods, their struggles, their pain, their needs - their journey."

My eyes misted again.

"And I feel compassion for them", I said, "All of them. I feel love for them."

My therapist nodded.

"We discussed the story The Egg some time ago", he offered. "That we are potentially one soul spread across many physical bodies."

"Yes", I replied. "I still struggle with that."

"Go on", he encouraged.

"In my line of work, I saw photos of decapitated children", I began, "and photos of women who had been raped then set on fire. I've worked on algorithms that predict the end of the world in horrific, human-caused ways. Other things. You know - all the "fun stuff " that people like to pretend doesn't exist."

I paused, feeling anger stirring.

"And it made me angry and afraid for humanity", I continued.

"I feel your anger", he said. "Welcome it. Ask it what it wants to teach you."

"Well", I began, "I struggle with offering unconditional love to people who need to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others."

I paused before continuing.

"I have put people in jail", I replied. "I have the opportunity to put dangerous people in jail as we speak. I defend people against violent, broken people. How can I do this and still love evil people unconditionally?"

"Love the sinner but punish the sin", he replied.

"Clichés irritate me", I replied tartly.

"Is it the cliché or the truth buried in it that irritates you?" he asked.

I shrugged but offered no reply.

"Back to your anger", he continued. "What is it saying to you now?"

"A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

I looked at him.

"It tells me that acts of evil cannot be allowed to stand", I replied. "That no matter how much unconditional love I can offer people, there will always be evil in the world that needs to be dealt with."

I paused.

"Maybe you need to see the evil in a different way", he offered.

"Perhaps", he continued, "when you punish evil you can find alternatives to dealing with it that you might not have considered before. Maybe love will contribute to new solutions or approaches for you."

"How so?" I replied.

"It depends on your beliefs, I guess", he continued. "You are obviously sharing love with the victims by defending and protecting them. But maybe you are correcting the karma of the perceived evildoer, and in doing so, offering healing and love to them."

He paused.

"Perhaps you are freeing them from past sins", he continued, "and offering a better future either in this Life or the next."

I frowned in thought but said nothing.

"And besides", he offered, "can you offer unconditional love to everyone and still allow people to be hurt? Is it possible that instead of looking at this as punishing evildoers that you are in fact helping them?"

"Maybe", I replied.

He flipped through his notes in silence.

"On a similar but different note", he began, "you told me that you now accept that every person you encounter teaches you something."

"Yes", I replied. "I believe that to be true."

"Tell me more", he said.

"I used to feel grateful primarily for the people who helped me or who created great memories for me", I said. "But I now realize that the people who I have had struggles with are the ones who have helped me grow the most."

"In fact", I continued, "there was a time when I would have told some people who hurt me to go fuck themselves. I had it within my ability to really hurt them with minimal effort on my part."

"And", I said wryly, "I might have been pretty quick about it for some people. My wounded inner child could be swiftly vindictive when it wanted to be."

"Now", I added quietly, "I would say thank you for what they have taught me - for helping me to grow and become a better person. I would tell them that they bring my weaknesses and mistakes out in the open to help me become a better person."

"They were preparing me for a greater Purpose, I said, "but I resisted everything instead of being open to the transformation that their actions offered me."

"A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rain, a time of sow

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

My therapist nodded.

"So", he said, "You survived a spontaneous desire to take your own Life, not because of depression, but because of an occurrence of severe emotional flooding. You're not on medication, and I don't think you need to be at this time. Your inner child feels loved and affirmed for the first time in his Life without the need for damaging behavior or thoughts on his part. You see the role of others in helping you grow."

He paused.

"You also had the courage to share your journey with others who are having difficulty with Life", he said. "That took a lot of guts."

"Maybe I didn't care what people thought", I replied.

"You know that's not true", he said sternly. "While in many ways you have told people in the past that you don't care, you have a gentle heart that can be wounded pretty easily. I posit that you have one of the gentlest hearts I have ever seen."

He paused.

"More easily than you would admit", he added, "Even to yourself."

I let him continue.

"I know you did this to offer hope to others", he said gently. "I remember what you told me about your thoughts about people who struggle."

"Yes", I said. "It bothers me when people are in pain, are afraid or are alone. Whenever I become aware that someone has died, I always say a prayer, hoping that none of those conditions were true for them."

"And so your sharing has always been with those things in mind", he said.

"Maybe", I replied, "But I'm thinking that I have shared enough for now. Thousands of people have written to me to either thank me for helping them, or for having the courage to get the word out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

I paused.

"And it's not a train", I said.

"Or a bus", he said, gently referring to the way I almost took my Life.

"I will always defend people in trouble", I said. "No matter how much I embrace the concept of unconditional love and understanding, I will never allow people to come to harm in any way if I can help it. It's often a thankless job but I do it because I believe I am required to take action if I am able to."

"If you ever knowingly allowed someone to come to harm", he replied, "I would be shocked. But I suspect I wouldn't be as disappointed in you as you would be in yourself."

For a moment I reflected on past conversations about being my own worst critic.

"Changing the subject", I said, "An important person in my Life told me today that she felt I was transforming into Kwai Chang Caine."

"Ah yes", he said, "The protagonist in the old Kung Fu series. It fits you quite nicely!"

"It does?" I asked.

"A man who overcomes obstacles throughout his Life and emerges as someone whose heart is committed to defending others and dedicates his Life to lifting and serving them", he said. "And besides, how many people have the ability to defend people like you do."

I shrugged.

"Or the courage", he said, "You have accumulated over 100 death threats over the years defending others. Many people who talk the talk don't dare walk that walk!"

"I do, however, think that there will be a lot more love and gratitude behind your efforts moving forward", he added.

"I'm a work in progress", I replied. "I'm doing my best."

"Aren't we all", he laughed, then paused.

"I'm reducing the number of sessions per week that you see me", he said. "What will you do with less homework and more time?"

"Well", I replied. "I have a lot of things in the works."

"Uh oh", he said, "is this the overworked Harry coming back?"

"Not at all", I protested lightly. "I have a brief solo trip coming up for reflection and journaling where I plan to revisit places that are a source of gratitude or pain for me. My intent is to embrace or neutralize different energies that still originate from them."

"Excellent", he exclaimed.

"I have also decided to walk the steps of my ancestors from the last 350 years", I added. "I expect that trip to take between one and two years. It will be a mix of solo journeys and having people important to me joining in at specific points along the way."

"Wow", he replied, "I don't know anyone who is doing this!"

"And", I continued, "The manifestation of my new healing ranch will gear up once I have finished some personal housecleaning."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" he said.

"Don't worry", I laughed, "I'm just the catalyst for this. I'm going to enable people who are much more knowledgeable about things than I am. I'm the enabler - not the do'er."

I paused.

"You saved my Life", I said, my eyes misting, "I don't know where to start with thank-you's."

"Well", he said, "Not only was it my privilege, but you sharing our sessions saved the lives of others and inspired many. The future you have in mind for others is inspiring in itself."

"Everyone is worth saving", he added.

"I know", I replied. "Little Harry thinks so also."

To be continued.

With love, 

Harry

---

Thoughts on Kwai Chang Caine

In an exchange today with someone very important to me, we noodled over the idea that unconditional love should not be confused with the principle of "turning the other cheek".

While "turn the other cheek" has multiple theological meanings that I won't get into here, I have witnessed people who believe that offering unconditional love means that you passively submit to violence, abuse and the like, because to do anything else is counter to unconditional love. 

To them, it means they should be a doormat to miscreants - offering zero resistance - and in doing so, strengthening the power and authority of people who believe it is their right to control, manipulate or hurt others. 

By way of challenging people who confuse the two concepts, I offer a number of scenarios to test their premise. 

Here is one of them.

You're walking down a dark alley with someone important (maybe it's a child) and suddenly someone seizes the child and threatens to throttle them. There is a knife on the ground. Are you going to pick up the knife and save the child, or are you going to offer unconditional love to the assailant as the Life is squeezed out of the child?

If you choose the second option, you are either lying or misguided.

There is a similar scenario that I have used in work presentations that demonstrates how to obtain access to an aircraft cockpit even though the door is supposedly locked for our safety.

Denial of human primal wiring is a recipe to get the wrong people hurt. 

The people who confuse unconditional love with turning the other cheek actually contribute to the problems in our world when they refuse to stand up to trouble. While unconditional love and understanding can lessen or solve many problems, there are situations when it will be completely ineffective or exceptionally harmful.

What we don't oppose, we often condone by default.

That's not to say that unconditional love in some situations shouldn't be an initial strategy in resolving issues. However, there are times when realities call upon us to resort to more aggressive strategies in response to some situations.

When thinking of Caine's character in the Kung Fu series, he never threw "the first punch". He preferred to talk his way out of problems or to redirect or sidestep attacks directed towards him. When forced however, he was able and willing to physically defend himself and others but did so in a minimalist way commensurate with the threat at hand.

If unconditional love and pacificism become confusingly intertwined, how will we defend those without a voice - those who are oppressed, or those who are being crushed by the ignorant?

As the Freemasons say, "Who will defend the widow and the orphan?"

In four out of five times I was mugged in NYC, I was attacked first. Laying down and taking it or sending waves of unconditional love to my assailant might have gotten me killed. In the fifth incident, I talked my way out of it, saving the lives of people who were looking for trouble and the person who was with me.

So unconditional love gives us the opportunity to find better solutions but it is one of several options.

Unconditional love reminds us to be humble when dealing with others and to spare judgement unless more severe action is warranted. It guides our responses but it never restricts them.

Thoughts on The Egg

The Egg is an intriguing story. I offer it here with no analysis (but your thoughts are always welcome).

The Egg.

Closing Thoughts on this Series

My therapy sessions are recorded. I have transcribed some of them for publication in this series.

My Life journey has been rich with moments of enlightenment and intense pain over the years. But is this not the journey for most of us?

I have worked on end-of-world scenarios in my profession for years. It has wounded and empowered me in many ways. It has also colored how I see everything, both to my benefit and my detriment. It contributed to taking me right to the edge of Life and almost death. I am hoping now that it helps me serve others in a better way.

People who know me know that music is an important part of my Life. I recently heard that when we're in our twenties or thirties, we listen to the music, and when we are in our forties and fifties, we listen to the lyrics.

Some songs catch me off guard these days. On a walk alone one day this week, a song snared my brain and temporarily paralyzed me. I heard this song a lot when I was in my twenties and didn't care. It means a lot more to me in my fifties. Here is Wasted on the Way by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

There are people out there who suggested that this series was my way of saying goodbye to the world. I can say without reservation that this is not the case.

I shared my journey with the intent to offer people hope that there is light out there. I know many publicly confident people who struggle intensely in private. There are many who tell great myths about self-made success whom I have helped when they thought they couldn't go forward. My hope is that at some point, they will embrace a more authentic Life.

For you, my readers, I am extremely grateful for your compassion and love as I explored this facet of my Life. It wasn't easy for me to share. I suspect that this will be a work-in-progress until my end of days has arrived. If you have gleaned anything of value from this series, then my musings have accomplished their purpose.

For the people who were there unconditionally for me as I climbed back from the precipice, I have no words that can adequately express my gratitude. You know who you are. You know what we will accomplish in the future as we move forward in unconditional love. Let my actions born of gratitude speak so loudly that they become louder than what I'm saying.

For the people who helped me to find the real me - thank you. The rest of my Life will be richer because of it. The Life of those whom I encounter will be richer also. Your impact on others through me will be your legacy.

For those of you who are "disappointed" in my demonstration of "weakness" in sharing this story or thinking about taking my Life, my prayer for you is that you and your loved ones will never experience what I did. If you do, call me. I will be there for you.

For those who for spite, envy, or other reasons, reveled in my fall, I may disappoint you when I tell you that I have arisen from the ashes stronger than ever. I offer you the earnest wish that you may encounter Blessings in your Life. If you ever run into trouble, I will show you what unconditional love looks like.

For those who hurt others, I will still be an unpleasant presence in your Life. It's my calling for which I make no apology. I hope we will both be better for the interaction.

My journey, including therapy, self discovery, personal growth, and service to others continues.

Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me.

I am ever grateful to you.

As for this entire blog, I have shared a lot of opinions and warnings in it over the years. Much of the content includes things that I am now unhappy for having written. I leave it for others to read, learn from, or judge me for. I will return to it when I have something worthy of your time to read.

I would like to leave you with two of my favorite quotes.

When it comes to navigating pain in Life:

"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." - Indigenous American proverb

When it comes to being called to do the right thing:

"Let my heart be broken by that which breaks the heart of God." - Bob Pierce (whatever you define God to be)

With love,

Harry

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 10 and is the final installment describing my journey.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

Turn, Turn, Turn is a beautiful song based on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes. Here is the timeless classic.

Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

“Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be." - Jocko Willink

"Everybody's life has these moments, where one thing leads to another. Some are big and obvious and some are small and seemingly insignificant." - Peter Jackson

"There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 8 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries - Everybody Hurts - REM

I'm sitting in my therapist's office listening to my voice emanating from the recording of my hypnotherapy session. Under hypnosis I am reliving the day I nearly took my Life.

If you have ever heard a recording of your voice from a hypnotherapy session, you know how strange it feels. It's your voice and yet, there is a strange disconnect as you hear yourself describing things that are fuzzy in your memory. Or forgotten altogether.

"What do you think of your thoughts leading up to the moment you almost took your Life?" my therapist asked.

"None of them were significant", I said quietly as I looked at my notes.

"In fact", I added, "In retrospect, they seem to be pretty trite things to give up a Life over."

"That's because you are looking at them individually", he replied, "instead of looking at the totality of them. Let's explore this."

He walked over to his office whiteboard and began to list things leading up to my event.

"I know you like space launches and such", he said as he consulted his notes. "Let's write your key thoughts and events down in the form of a countdown." 

On the upper left side of the whiteboard, he wrote, "Fueling - Launch Week Minus 1" and underlined it. Underneath that, he wrote "In no particular order".

He continued writing on the whiteboard.

- "A couple of very important personal relationships explode without warning and the blowback affects others. There are escalations that stretch my brain, and I am wounded by the unexpected outcomes. One in particular alerts me that my family might be in danger." (Reader note: The feeling of danger was perceived to be a legitimate reaction at the moment. Working through things with my therapist has given me a better understanding of the incident. Now I feel empathy for the individuals and have expressed a desire for forgiveness to them for the events that led up to the incident.)

- "My meeting about completing a company acquisition that should have taken three months to complete but took eight years instead, is frustrating. I am carrying the entire company, which is draining me in many ways. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

- "My weekly meeting with the client includes reviewing pictures of human remains. They think it's motivational. I've been doing it for some years and wonder why I'm not reacting to them like I used to. I threw up the first time I saw them years ago. Now I look at them with indifference. Most times."

- "My mobile bill shows that I send and receive 45,000 SMS per month. I have started to keep my phone muted because the chime of an arriving message on my phone, or someone else's, makes me feel anxious instantly."  

- "Lab work indicates that my white blood cell count is of concern. I'm a stage 4 cancer survivor. I can't go through this again."

"My memory has been off for the last few weeks. Should I tell my doctor?"

He pauses and looks at me.

"That's a typical week for me", I protested as I scanned the list.

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on - Everybody Hurts - REM

"I highly doubt that", he replied, "You have a very strong, perhaps crippling, habit of dismissing things as insignificant because you are a natural problem solver. Let's continue." 

He drew a vertical line to the right of the list he had written, dividing the board into two columns.

He writes "Launch Day" at the top of the right column, underlines it and begins to write a new list. 

"Here we go", he said, "The final countdown begins."

8 - "Despite my request to colleagues to never read emails first thing in the morning, I do my own quick scan before leaving the house. The emails are ugly and terrifying. It's just another day for me and I've gotten used to it."

7 - "That was a close call as the guy ran a red light on my walk to Starbucks. He should be paying attention. It's a crosswalk used by many kids on their way to school in the area."

6 - "I signal a family member (in the medical profession) that I am not feeling well but I can't put my finger on what the issue is. I tell her that I am feeling pain but I don't mean it in the usual definition of pain. Her reply is cold, and I feel hurt, confused by how I am feeling and her response to me. I guess I was hoping for something more supportive."

5 - "Why aren't the customers at Starbucks grateful for the privilege of their $7 lattes? Did my colleagues and I burn ourselves out working on public safety just for this?"

4 - "The walk signal is not working as it should - three traffic signal changes in a row without a walk signal and it's freezing outside."

3 - "I scan my phone for important SMS and emails from work as I am walking. There is an attachment that I look at. It is horrific."

2 - "I don't know where I'm walking to. Where the hell am I ?"

1 - "Panic"

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you are not alone - Everybody Hurts - REM

0 - "Launch: Step in front of the bus."

He stood in silence as I reflected on his list.

"Now", he said, "What was the one thing that everyone you worked with found amazing about you?"

"I don't know", I replied.

"Of course you do", he replied. "Everyone tells you that you are like a machine. No matter how many projects you get involved in and no matter how much pressure you are under, you always deliver. No matter how many horrific, graphic images you see, you always deliver solutions to your client as you coach everyone else to look away from the horror. No matter how many outsiders ask for your help, you always say yes to their requests."

He paused.

"Everyone has believed for years that nothing bothers you", he said quietly. "They considered you to be a machine and the way you delivered consistently confirmed their idea of you. Maybe it convinced you of that as well! So why wouldn't they continue to throw more and more things over the wall to you in ever-increasing frequency and intensity?"

"Plus ...", he said hesitatingly, "you never asked for help. Ever. Until you signaled to your family member that you were in trouble, nobody knew at all. Your indication that you weren't feeling well was the only time in your Life that you have ever admitted that you couldn't handle your present situation. The cold reply to the one and only time you have ever asked for help caused you to feel cutoff."

"And ...", he said gently, "it triggered your wounded inner child, reaffirming its old beliefs that you were never worthy - even in your most desperate of moments."

"When the relationships died the prior week", he continued, "They also triggered your inner child's defenses. Your inner child was not only rejected, something it feared constantly, but it was prevented from helping those people moving forward. Helping people was an important way that your inner child received affirmation that it was worthy and it felt that that affirmation had been taken away."

He paused for a moment.

"When you have accumulated an almost unlimited number of significant, traumatic events that would devastate most people", he said quietly, "and an inner voice in the form of your younger self believes you are not worthy of being saved, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge."

"I know you study plane crashes. Many of them originate from events that in themselves are often insignificant. It's the perfect sequence of events with impeccable timing that produces the negative outcome."

"After years of dodging things", he added, "you finally hit the potentially fatal sequence. Fortunately for you, there was enough of your mind left to pull you back from the brink. Not everyone is that lucky."

If you're on your own in this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody cries

Everybody hurts, sometimes - Everybody Hurts - REM

I sat in silence, pondering what had been presented to me. 

"So now what?" I asked.

"Well", he began, "your recovery has already begun. The amount of time on your mobile device has been significantly reduced. You have greatly reduced your time spent on work matters. Your consumption of material that is traumatic to your brain has been reduced to zero."

"Our work on nurturing your younger self has been happening in earnest", he continued, "and it feels less triggered and far less consumed by the need for external affirmation."

"And ....", he said, quietly, "you are not afraid to ask for help or to say no more frequently to requests that don't serve you."

"Is that it?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "Now comes the most important part, and for some, most difficult. You must offer forgiveness to everyone you believe contributed to the moment you almost took your Life. And in turn, you should ask for their forgiveness in case you hurt them, either real or perceived."

"And if they are not interested?" I asked.

"Then offer it unconditionally to the Universe, and allow it to deliver the message", he replied, "If they are meant to reach out to you in this Lifetime, or another, they will. If that happens, receive their message with unconditional love."

"In fact", he said, "make sure unconditional love becomes your way of being. Your world, starting with your upbringing and continuing with your career, has had too much judgement wired into it. It's time to move to unconditional love for others, and for yourself."

"How hard can that be?" I asked.

"I'll bet it will present some of the greatest challenges you have ever experienced", he said.

"But", he said smiling, "It will also present some of the greatest rewards you have ever experienced!"

"Your Life starts over. Today", he said, pointing to a picture of the Hero's Journey on his office wall. "If you could create what you did by accident and sheer will, imagine what you can create with the power of unconditional love."

"You know where you are on the Journey, don't you?" he asked gently.

I nodded but sat in silence, reflecting on his closing words.

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on - Everybody Hurts - REM

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to Michelle H. She took her Life a couple of days ago after failed attempts in the past. I won't include a link to her obituary. She wanted it to look like an accident. Her obituary says, "passed away suddenly". 

There is still a stigma about admitting to people that we lost someone close to us by their own choice. Obituary writers leave it up to the reader to figure out if "passed away suddenly" was something along the lines of a heart attack, stroke or something else. 

Do we honor those we have lost? What about their struggle? When do we do this?

What do you think?

May those close to Michelle find peace in the memory of her Life - a peace that so sadly eluded her.

---

Thoughts on Asking for Help

I was raised to solve my own shit. Men from generations prior to mine believed that this was the mark of a true man. If you suffered, you had to suffer in silence, no matter how intense the difficulty. Perhaps that worked in the past in a "slower" world, although I doubt it. I wonder if people just hid it better.

Looking back on my Life, there were a number of times where asking for help would have allowed me to release powerful negative energy I was accumulating. This would have prevented a harmful blend of toxic thoughts and feelings from proliferating in my 50+ year old mind. 

And after 50+ years of creating significant results, I forgot that I was a human being with limits.

Limits - a word that never crossed my mind until I revealed to myself and others that I was a mere mortal after all.

Many were surprised or shocked. 

Many were saddened and reached out to offer help.

Some were delighted and expressed their happiness cruelly or callously.

But do you know what?

After years of people thinking I was a machine, it feels damn good to be considered a human being.

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book, The Body Keeps Score: The Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, he outlines how energy from trauma and normal Life events accumulates until it reaches a breaking point.

The nature of the breaking point and how it manifests in someone depends on a combination of things, including the upbringing of the individual, the culture they grew up in, the resilience of the individual themselves, the nature of the energy accumulated, the triggering event and other factors.

It also depends on whether they are open to asking for help, receiving it when offered and acting appropriately on it once received.

Do you need help right now?

Are you open to receiving help?

If the answer is yes, don't follow my model of ignoring the signals or the need for help until it's too late.

Waiting as long as I did might produce a result that people close to you will try to understand for the rest of their lives, because you wouldn't be there for them to ask.

If the answer is no, then ask yourself the questions again to be sure of your answer.

I think you're worthy of a great finish.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

Thoughts on Unconditional Love

I have struggled with the concept of unconditional love for a long time. A lot of my work over the years has been in areas where it is easy to condemn people who seek to hurt others.

On top of that, some people who lectured me on the importance of unconditional love were quick to pass judgement on others. Some of them judged me when I almost took my Life. Some even applauded my decision. I don't know if they are disappointed in my survival. Living by example may not be their strong suit.

When asked about unconditional love, I often cited a dark example to counter the idea. In one variation of my response, someone important to you has been seized in an alley and the perpetrator threatens to cut their throat unless you acquiesce to their demands. I have always asked people, "Can you love your way out of that situation?"

In my ignorance, I inadvertently commingled two things. 

First, we are designed in fight or flight situations to do what it takes to survive and to help others survive. In this scenario, there is never a place for unconditional love as our primal wiring kicks in to protect lives. Love is not part of the programming of a fight or flight response.

But secondly, once the fight or flight moment has passed, there is room - dare I say a requirement - to understand the early Life history, cultural impact and other forces that led the perpetrator to commit the act.

This is where unconditional love plays an important role.

I missed the second step, using my example to preclude the perpetrator from receiving unconditional love after "the main event" had passed.

My example was partially right.

But mostly wrong.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone you hate or judge hastily. Dr. Covey described this process in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Specifically, I am referring to Habit 5 - Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Imagine absorbing their childhood.

Imagine living the culture that they grew up in.

Consider the things that they were told and how it was delivered to them.

Examine the things that happened to them.

Now ask yourself if you would have turned out any differently than they did.

And then ask yourself if there is anything about yourself that you wished was different about you.

Are you comfortable with unconditional love?

Do you need it?

If you need it, is it fair to ask that you give it to others also?

Why or why not?

Thoughts on the Hero's Journey

The Hero's Journey is a narrative that attempts to describe the journey of the "average Hero". We are all heroes in some way in this world and I posit that it is an encapsulation of your journey and the journey of everyone around you. More about the Hero's Journey can be found here on Wikipedia.

Here is an image similar to the one used by my therapist, illustrating a "typical" Hero's Journey.

I am somewhere between transformation and atonement.

Can you find your place on this journey?

What does this tell you about what you have learned and overcome in your Life?

What does this tell you about what you need to learn or do next?

What does this tell you about who you need to do it with?

As you reflect upon these things, consider coming up with answers through the lens of the following questions:

1. Where do I go?
2. What do I do?
3. What do I say?
4. And to whom?

What do you think should happen next?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 8.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

Song Choice

The powerful ballad, Everybody Hurts, by REM, was written as a song about suicide. The writer, Bill Berry, hoped to create a song that was "reachable" by everyone, especially teenagers.

In a later interview, singer Michael Stipe said this about how it felt to release a song that potentially saved lives. 

"It saved a few. People have told me. And I love hearing that. That's for me, that's my Oscar, that's my gold on a shelf right there... that something we did impacted someone's life in such a profound way. That's a beautiful thing."

 Without further adieu, Everybody Hurts, by REM.