Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse 

 Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 10 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

"To everything turn, turn, turn

There is a season turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under Heaven" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"That's quite the list", a voice said breaking the silence in the room.

I turned towards the source of the observation. My therapist was staring at the whiteboard on his office wall.

I looked back towards the whiteboard. Most people prefer their therapy take place from the comfort of the classic chair or couch. My therapy sessions have centered around my place of comfort - a place that evolved after decades in the business world of Wall St. and elsewhere.

The whiteboard.

We were revisiting the ways I could have died in years gone by (the list can be found in the post Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness).

"Of all the ways you could have died against your choice or will", my therapist began, "you survived them all and then almost took your own Life."

I shrugged but said nothing, fighting a tinge of shame that still lurked somewhere in my subconscious. I am betrayed by my eyes, misting as I think about the result that I had missed by seconds.

"A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"How do you feel today?" he asked.

"Stronger", I replied quietly, "Better. Grateful. Blessed. Other things that are difficult to describe. I still have difficult moments though."

My therapist nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you remember when we listed the physical injuries you have sustained in your Life?" he asked.

I nodded as my mind replayed the list quietly.

• Broken feet - both, multiple times.
• Broken hands - both.
• Broken ribs.
• Broken lower back.
• Fused vertebrae in my neck from an unknown injury.
• Broken collarbone - three times.
• Ruptured calves - both.
• Torn hamstrings - both, multiple times.
• Torn quads - both, multiple times.
• Torn adductors - both.
• Torn rotators - both, multiple times.
• Fractured skull.
• Level 3 concussion - not related to the skull fracture.

All from separate accidents, and yet I was blessed that none of them created chronic issues after they had healed.

I reached up as if by habit, and mindlessly rubbed the spot where I had fractured my skull in an office in NYC.

"What do you feel when you rub that spot?" he asked.

"I feel the lump where my skull repaired itself", I replied. "The bone is now thicker there than elsewhere on my head."

"The body is a miracle", my therapist replied. "Your skull is now much stronger in the area where it repaired itself."

"Your mind has the same ability to be stronger after an injury", he added. "What do you think of this?"

"I'm not sure", I replied. "Sometimes I still feel vulnerable."

"That's normal", he replied. "It will take a while for your mind to completely heal."

He began flipping through his notes.

"Shortly after you began seeing me", he continued, "I asked you what you thought about the people around you after you almost took your Life. Do you remember?"

"Yes", I replied, "I divided my world into three groups of people."

"Go on", he said.

"Well", I began, "There were the people who supported me after I almost took my Life. There were those who abandoned me - angry with me, ashamed of me or disappointed in me."

I paused.

"They saw me as weak", I said. "Some people even celebrated the fall of someone like me. Although when they see me in public now, they avoid eye contact with me."

I paused again, reflecting on the pain that thought brought me.

"And there were the people who I thought contributed to me making my decision to take my Life", I said quietly.

"A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

There was silence in the room. 

"Now how do you see those people?" he asked.

"I imagine their early beginnings", I said quietly, "their childhoods, their struggles, their pain, their needs - their journey."

My eyes misted again.

"And I feel compassion for them", I said, "All of them. I feel love for them."

My therapist nodded.

"We discussed the story The Egg some time ago", he offered. "That we are potentially one soul spread across many physical bodies."

"Yes", I replied. "I still struggle with that."

"Go on", he encouraged.

"In my line of work, I saw photos of decapitated children", I began, "and photos of women who had been raped then set on fire. I've worked on algorithms that predict the end of the world in horrific, human-caused ways. Other things. You know - all the "fun stuff " that people like to pretend doesn't exist."

I paused, feeling anger stirring.

"And it made me angry and afraid for humanity", I continued.

"I feel your anger", he said. "Welcome it. Ask it what it wants to teach you."

"Well", I began, "I struggle with offering unconditional love to people who need to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others."

I paused before continuing.

"I have put people in jail", I replied. "I have the opportunity to put dangerous people in jail as we speak. I defend people against violent, broken people. How can I do this and still love evil people unconditionally?"

"Love the sinner but punish the sin", he replied.

"Clichés irritate me", I replied tartly.

"Is it the cliché or the truth buried in it that irritates you?" he asked.

I shrugged but offered no reply.

"Back to your anger", he continued. "What is it saying to you now?"

"A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

I looked at him.

"It tells me that acts of evil cannot be allowed to stand", I replied. "That no matter how much unconditional love I can offer people, there will always be evil in the world that needs to be dealt with."

I paused.

"Maybe you need to see the evil in a different way", he offered.

"Perhaps", he continued, "when you punish evil you can find alternatives to dealing with it that you might not have considered before. Maybe love will contribute to new solutions or approaches for you."

"How so?" I replied.

"It depends on your beliefs, I guess", he continued. "You are obviously sharing love with the victims by defending and protecting them. But maybe you are correcting the karma of the perceived evildoer, and in doing so, offering healing and love to them."

He paused.

"Perhaps you are freeing them from past sins", he continued, "and offering a better future either in this Life or the next."

I frowned in thought but said nothing.

"And besides", he offered, "can you offer unconditional love to everyone and still allow people to be hurt? Is it possible that instead of looking at this as punishing evildoers that you are in fact helping them?"

"Maybe", I replied.

He flipped through his notes in silence.

"On a similar but different note", he began, "you told me that you now accept that every person you encounter teaches you something."

"Yes", I replied. "I believe that to be true."

"Tell me more", he said.

"I used to feel grateful primarily for the people who helped me or who created great memories for me", I said. "But I now realize that the people who I have had struggles with are the ones who have helped me grow the most."

"In fact", I continued, "there was a time when I would have told some people who hurt me to go fuck themselves. I had it within my ability to really hurt them with minimal effort on my part."

"And", I said wryly, "I might have been pretty quick about it for some people. My wounded inner child could be swiftly vindictive when it wanted to be."

"Now", I added quietly, "I would say thank you for what they have taught me - for helping me to grow and become a better person. I would tell them that they bring my weaknesses and mistakes out in the open to help me become a better person."

"They were preparing me for a greater Purpose, I said, "but I resisted everything instead of being open to the transformation that their actions offered me."

"A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rain, a time of sow

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

My therapist nodded.

"So", he said, "You survived a spontaneous desire to take your own Life, not because of depression, but because of an occurrence of severe emotional flooding. You're not on medication, and I don't think you need to be at this time. Your inner child feels loved and affirmed for the first time in his Life without the need for damaging behavior or thoughts on his part. You see the role of others in helping you grow."

He paused.

"You also had the courage to share your journey with others who are having difficulty with Life", he said. "That took a lot of guts."

"Maybe I didn't care what people thought", I replied.

"You know that's not true", he said sternly. "While in many ways you have told people in the past that you don't care, you have a gentle heart that can be wounded pretty easily. I posit that you have one of the gentlest hearts I have ever seen."

He paused.

"More easily than you would admit", he added, "Even to yourself."

I let him continue.

"I know you did this to offer hope to others", he said gently. "I remember what you told me about your thoughts about people who struggle."

"Yes", I said. "It bothers me when people are in pain, are afraid or are alone. Whenever I become aware that someone has died, I always say a prayer, hoping that none of those conditions were true for them."

"And so your sharing has always been with those things in mind", he said.

"Maybe", I replied, "But I'm thinking that I have shared enough for now. Thousands of people have written to me to either thank me for helping them, or for having the courage to get the word out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

I paused.

"And it's not a train", I said.

"Or a bus", he said, gently referring to the way I almost took my Life.

"I will always defend people in trouble", I said. "No matter how much I embrace the concept of unconditional love and understanding, I will never allow people to come to harm in any way if I can help it. It's often a thankless job but I do it because I believe I am required to take action if I am able to."

"If you ever knowingly allowed someone to come to harm", he replied, "I would be shocked. But I suspect I wouldn't be as disappointed in you as you would be in yourself."

For a moment I reflected on past conversations about being my own worst critic.

"Changing the subject", I said, "An important person in my Life told me today that she felt I was transforming into Kwai Chang Caine."

"Ah yes", he said, "The protagonist in the old Kung Fu series. It fits you quite nicely!"

"It does?" I asked.

"A man who overcomes obstacles throughout his Life and emerges as someone whose heart is committed to defending others and dedicates his Life to lifting and serving them", he said. "And besides, how many people have the ability to defend people like you do."

I shrugged.

"Or the courage", he said, "You have accumulated over 100 death threats over the years defending others. Many people who talk the talk don't dare walk that walk!"

"I do, however, think that there will be a lot more love and gratitude behind your efforts moving forward", he added.

"I'm a work in progress", I replied. "I'm doing my best."

"Aren't we all", he laughed, then paused.

"I'm reducing the number of sessions per week that you see me", he said. "What will you do with less homework and more time?"

"Well", I replied. "I have a lot of things in the works."

"Uh oh", he said, "is this the overworked Harry coming back?"

"Not at all", I protested lightly. "I have a brief solo trip coming up for reflection and journaling where I plan to revisit places that are a source of gratitude or pain for me. My intent is to embrace or neutralize different energies that still originate from them."

"Excellent", he exclaimed.

"I have also decided to walk the steps of my ancestors from the last 350 years", I added. "I expect that trip to take between one and two years. It will be a mix of solo journeys and having people important to me joining in at specific points along the way."

"Wow", he replied, "I don't know anyone who is doing this!"

"And", I continued, "The manifestation of my new healing ranch will gear up once I have finished some personal housecleaning."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" he said.

"Don't worry", I laughed, "I'm just the catalyst for this. I'm going to enable people who are much more knowledgeable about things than I am. I'm the enabler - not the do'er."

I paused.

"You saved my Life", I said, my eyes misting, "I don't know where to start with thank-you's."

"Well", he said, "Not only was it my privilege, but you sharing our sessions saved the lives of others and inspired many. The future you have in mind for others is inspiring in itself."

"Everyone is worth saving", he added.

"I know", I replied. "Little Harry thinks so also."

To be continued.

With love, 

Harry

---

Thoughts on Kwai Chang Caine

In an exchange today with someone very important to me, we noodled over the idea that unconditional love should not be confused with the principle of "turning the other cheek".

While "turn the other cheek" has multiple theological meanings that I won't get into here, I have witnessed people who believe that offering unconditional love means that you passively submit to violence, abuse and the like, because to do anything else is counter to unconditional love. 

To them, it means they should be a doormat to miscreants - offering zero resistance - and in doing so, strengthening the power and authority of people who believe it is their right to control, manipulate or hurt others. 

By way of challenging people who confuse the two concepts, I offer a number of scenarios to test their premise. 

Here is one of them.

You're walking down a dark alley with someone important (maybe it's a child) and suddenly someone seizes the child and threatens to throttle them. There is a knife on the ground. Are you going to pick up the knife and save the child, or are you going to offer unconditional love to the assailant as the Life is squeezed out of the child?

If you choose the second option, you are either lying or misguided.

There is a similar scenario that I have used in work presentations that demonstrates how to obtain access to an aircraft cockpit even though the door is supposedly locked for our safety.

Denial of human primal wiring is a recipe to get the wrong people hurt. 

The people who confuse unconditional love with turning the other cheek actually contribute to the problems in our world when they refuse to stand up to trouble. While unconditional love and understanding can lessen or solve many problems, there are situations when it will be completely ineffective or exceptionally harmful.

What we don't oppose, we often condone by default.

That's not to say that unconditional love in some situations shouldn't be an initial strategy in resolving issues. However, there are times when realities call upon us to resort to more aggressive strategies in response to some situations.

When thinking of Caine's character in the Kung Fu series, he never threw "the first punch". He preferred to talk his way out of problems or to redirect or sidestep attacks directed towards him. When forced however, he was able and willing to physically defend himself and others but did so in a minimalist way commensurate with the threat at hand.

If unconditional love and pacificism become confusingly intertwined, how will we defend those without a voice - those who are oppressed, or those who are being crushed by the ignorant?

As the Freemasons say, "Who will defend the widow and the orphan?"

In four out of five times I was mugged in NYC, I was attacked first. Laying down and taking it or sending waves of unconditional love to my assailant might have gotten me killed. In the fifth incident, I talked my way out of it, saving the lives of people who were looking for trouble and the person who was with me.

So unconditional love gives us the opportunity to find better solutions but it is one of several options.

Unconditional love reminds us to be humble when dealing with others and to spare judgement unless more severe action is warranted. It guides our responses but it never restricts them.

Thoughts on The Egg

The Egg is an intriguing story. I offer it here with no analysis (but your thoughts are always welcome).

The Egg.

Closing Thoughts on this Series

My therapy sessions are recorded. I have transcribed some of them for publication in this series.

My Life journey has been rich with moments of enlightenment and intense pain over the years. But is this not the journey for most of us?

I have worked on end-of-world scenarios in my profession for years. It has wounded and empowered me in many ways. It has also colored how I see everything, both to my benefit and my detriment. It contributed to taking me right to the edge of Life and almost death. I am hoping now that it helps me serve others in a better way.

People who know me know that music is an important part of my Life. I recently heard that when we're in our twenties or thirties, we listen to the music, and when we are in our forties and fifties, we listen to the lyrics.

Some songs catch me off guard these days. On a walk alone one day this week, a song snared my brain and temporarily paralyzed me. I heard this song a lot when I was in my twenties and didn't care. It means a lot more to me in my fifties. Here is Wasted on the Way by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

There are people out there who suggested that this series was my way of saying goodbye to the world. I can say without reservation that this is not the case.

I shared my journey with the intent to offer people hope that there is light out there. I know many publicly confident people who struggle intensely in private. There are many who tell great myths about self-made success whom I have helped when they thought they couldn't go forward. My hope is that at some point, they will embrace a more authentic Life.

For you, my readers, I am extremely grateful for your compassion and love as I explored this facet of my Life. It wasn't easy for me to share. I suspect that this will be a work-in-progress until my end of days has arrived. If you have gleaned anything of value from this series, then my musings have accomplished their purpose.

For the people who were there unconditionally for me as I climbed back from the precipice, I have no words that can adequately express my gratitude. You know who you are. You know what we will accomplish in the future as we move forward in unconditional love. Let my actions born of gratitude speak so loudly that they become louder than what I'm saying.

For the people who helped me to find the real me - thank you. The rest of my Life will be richer because of it. The Life of those whom I encounter will be richer also. Your impact on others through me will be your legacy.

For those of you who are "disappointed" in my demonstration of "weakness" in sharing this story or thinking about taking my Life, my prayer for you is that you and your loved ones will never experience what I did. If you do, call me. I will be there for you.

For those who for spite, envy, or other reasons, reveled in my fall, I may disappoint you when I tell you that I have arisen from the ashes stronger than ever. I offer you the earnest wish that you may encounter Blessings in your Life. If you ever run into trouble, I will show you what unconditional love looks like.

For those who hurt others, I will still be an unpleasant presence in your Life. It's my calling for which I make no apology. I hope we will both be better for the interaction.

My journey, including therapy, self discovery, personal growth, and service to others continues.

Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me.

I am ever grateful to you.

As for this entire blog, I have shared a lot of opinions and warnings in it over the years. Much of the content includes things that I am now unhappy for having written. I leave it for others to read, learn from, or judge me for. I will return to it when I have something worthy of your time to read.

I would like to leave you with two of my favorite quotes.

When it comes to navigating pain in Life:

"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." - Indigenous American proverb

When it comes to being called to do the right thing:

"Let my heart be broken by that which breaks the heart of God." - Bob Pierce (whatever you define God to be)

With love,

Harry

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 10 and is the final installment describing my journey.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

Turn, Turn, Turn is a beautiful song based on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes. Here is the timeless classic.