Life: Forgiveness

"So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.

Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted." - Alan Watts

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 4 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

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Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

My local church was, as it always is on weekday mornings, peaceful, quiet and calming. Churches (and airport chapels when I'm traveling) are some of my favorite places to go when I can't get out in nature.

In addition to the many things church builders wish their creations to be, I have always felt that churches embody the essence of humanity as generations of people have infused the energy of happiness and sadness within the structure itself.

I was sitting in the church, reflecting on my recent therapy session around forgiveness - forgiveness of others and forgiveness of myself.

An older gentleman knelt in the pew next to me saying his Rosary in earnest as he gazed upwards at Jesus on the cross behind the altar.

As I looked over at him, he concluded his Rosary, blessed himself and sat back in the pew. He looked over at me and our eyes met.

He slowly stood up, genuflected as he left his pew and came towards me, gesturing me to slide over to make room for him.

"Great", I thought, "I came here to be left alone."

Despite my reluctance, I moved over to accomodate his request and he slowly sat down beside me.

"For someone sitting here in the quiet peace of God, you sure have a large frown creased across your forehead", he observed with a heavy accent.

"German?" I thought.

I shrugged, hesitant to discuss my innermost thoughts with a complete stranger.

As if to read my mind, he continued, "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it."

"It's not that", I replied, a little defensively, "I don't like to burden people with my own stuff. People have their own Life to worry about. No offense."

"None taken", he replied.

And then without missing a beat, he asked, "So what's on your mind?"

"He's persistent", I thought.

"I was just reflecting on my recent therapy session", I replied, being cautious about revealing too much.

"I see", he replied, "It sounds like you were given a lot to think about."

There was silence between us.

Lean on me

When you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on.  - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"You know", he said, "In my time, one of my specialties was in the area of relationships and how to help people live in harmony."

"You were a psychologist or psychiatrist?" I queried, curious why he had specifically identified relationships as his speciality.

"Not quite", he replied, chuckling, "We didn't have labels like that back then. I was famous for writing a paper on the three kinds of relationships: the useful, the pleasurable, and the authentic, the latter being based on unqualified goodness."

"Interesting", I said, frowning at my ignorance of his work, "Where can I find this paper?"

"I have a copy in my bag", he replied, "You can have it if you like. It's not in English, if that's ok."

"That's ok", I replied, "I'll find it on the Web."

"Suit yourself", he shrugged.

"I was thinking about a visit to the hospital some time ago when I had been admitted for a medical emergency", I heard myself say, "For some reason, as I lay upon the bed, I felt the presence of my former wife who died suddenly some years back."

"Interesting", he said, "And what was the significance of her appearing to you?"

"It sounds strange, "I replied, "But I sensed that she was apologizing for how we had lived our Life together and how she had departed this Life. She had lived a difficult Life as a young girl and her depature was sudden and unplanned."

"That sounds powerful", he replied, softly, "And how did you respond?"

"Well", I said, somewhat embarrassed, "I know this sounds weird, but I apologized to her in return for my role in our relationship."

I paused as my eyes misted.

"And then I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness", I said, my voice choking up.

"Sorry", I said, feeling embarrassed as I took my glasses off to wipe my eyes.

Please swallow your pride

If I have things you need to borrow

For no one can fill

Those of your needs that you won't let show - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"There is no need to apologize", he said, softly, as he offered me a tissue to wipe my eyes which I accepted with thanks.

"What brought this to mind?" he asked.

I took a moment to compose myself before replying.

"In my therapy session today, we were exploring the concept of speaking to our younger self", I said, "And embracing and loving the young self. In its wounded state, it is so powerful, pervasive and persistent, that it has a huge impact on the quality of our adult lives."

"Ah yes", he replied, "The power of this type of therapy came along long after I had completed my work."

I nodded.

"What I didn't know", I replied, "Was that the younger self was having such an impact on the quality of my whole Life. I didn't realize it."

"Interesting", the man said, "Can you give me an example?"

"Well", I began, "I realized that my younger self, by not receiving affirmation of value as a child, was so desperate for it that I, as an adult, inadvertantly chose relationships with people who needed help. Oftentimes, they needed a lot of help."

"How did that turn out?" he asked.

"It rarely went well", I admitted, "In my subconscious, I was seeking to be affirmed by them for "saving them". In reality, they were unable or unwilling to give me the affirmation I needed, and the relationships often got complicated."

"Why do you think they couldn't give you what you needed?" he asked, with sincere interest.

"When my therapist and I explored what their own childhoods looked like", I said, "Their younger selves had become crippled with needs similar to and different from mine. So while I was subconsciously seeking to solve my younger self 's needs by helping other people, their younger selves had strong needs also. They were different from and not in synch with mine. For that reason, we each didn't satisfy the needs of the other even though most of it was hidden in plain sight at the time."

"Well", I continued, "It looks obvious in retrospect knowing what I know now."

I paused.

"And since neither of us understood the impact of loneliness, sadness, and the lack of affirmation hiding in the subconscious of our younger self, we each blamed the other for not understanding our respective needs", I continued.

"Wow", he said, "That's a powerful revelation."

"The biggest thing", I replied, "Is that I now understand what was driving each of us and in knowing this, much of the pain for events of the past has left me. I just wish I had known about these things a long time ago."

I hesitated, not wanting to share the remainder of the therapy session.

He sensed my hesitation and encouraged me to continue.

"Well", I said, "We spent the rest of the session sending the energy of forgiveness to every person whom I felt that I had ever wronged."

"And", I added, "Asking for theirs in return."

Tears rolled down my face but I didn't care at that point.

"To realize that our younger self, with its need to be loved, to be affirmed, to be heard, could have such an impact on our adult Life, was such a powerful concept to understand. The reality is that instead of fighting with others, we should be better equipped to help each other, to hear our younger selves and to help each other heal our younger selves."

I paused.

"And to forgive our younger selves", I said quietly, "It's not their fault. They are a product of genetics and Life experiences. If I had the genetics and Life experiences of someone who made me really angry, I would in fact be just like the person that angered me."

"A sobering thought", he said, gently, "That sounds like unconditional forgiveness to me."

"Maybe", I replied.

I hesitated before offering something else from my therapy session.

If there is a load you have to bear

That you can't carry

I'm right up the road

I'll share your load

If you just call me - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"My therapist and I were wondering if reaching out to various people would be a good idea", I said, "Almost like the step in Alcoholics Anonymous where alcoholics reach out to others to apologize for the impact that their alcoholism had on others."

"I'm not sure that's the best approach", he replied, "Send the energy of forgiveness to the Universe and allow it to reach them that way. The ones who are ready to receive it will find their way back to you so that your respective healing can happen. Those who are not ready for this are better left alone for now,"

I nodded in agreement.

"I'm grateful that you shared this with me", he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, "Ofttenimes, the act of sharing with others is an important part of healing. Sharing it also sends a statement to the Universe about your intention for healing yourself and others."

"Thank you for listening", I replied, "I am very grateful for this."

I frowned as I thought about the best way to ask my next question.

"Do you think she actually visited me in the hospital?" I asked.

"I think she did", he replied, "It was important for her to express forgiveness and to receive it before moving on in her own journey. Our journey is not limited to what we experience on Earth."

"There is", he continued, "A theory that what we change in the present, including offering and receiving forgiveness, makes its way to our past, including to our younger self, and from there, rewrites part of our present."

"This sounds like multiverse theory or something", I said.

"I don't know the details of what you are referring to", he laughed, quietly, "A lot of knowledge came along long after my time. I was thinking more from a spiritual sense. But if science has a way of explaining it also, it sounds worthwhile to explore."

"My name is Albert, by the way", he said, offering his hand, "I'm grateful that we had an opportunity to chat today."

I shook his hand.

"Harry", I replied, "I'm grateful that we had an opportunity to chat also. Thank you for listening."

"My pleasure and honor", he said, "I will let you get on with your thinking."

"But", he said as he stood up, "Do yourself a favor. Don't think too much, I think your heart needs more exercise than your head today. As your therapist explored the importance of being gentle with others, so I ask you to be gentle with yourself."

"In other words", he said, "Your mind is better as an instrument of realization than one of rationalization."

He smiled.

"Auf wiedersehen", he said, smiling, and he began walking towards the back of the church.

I sat in silence for a while, reflecting on the conversation with my therapist and the gentleman who had kindly taken the time to listen to me.

"We all need to be heard", I thought, "both the younger and adult selves."

"And in fact", I thought, "We all need to do more listening and less talking."

I paused and sent a prayer of gratitude to the Universe for every person I had ever met and for every situation I had ever experienced in my Life. I also sent a thought of forgiveness to the same people and silently asked for theirs in return.

I stood up, genuflected by the pew and walked to the back of the church.

I paused in the church narthex, as I often do, to examine the announcements and such when my eyes fell on a pamphlet promoting the church and its namesake.

It wasn't so much the content that caught my eye but the picture on the top of the page.

"Wow", I thought, "That looks almost exactly like the guy I just spoke to. In fact, it looks exactly like him."

I smiled to myself.

I pushed through the door of St. Albert the Great Church, being careful to lock  the door behind me.

I paused.

"No. It can't be", I thought.

I shrugged as I turned my collar up against the cold to walk home.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

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St. Albert the Great, a Roman Catholic saint who lived in the 1200s, was a scientist, a theologian, a student of the humanities and someone who wrote a number of famous articles including some on the formation and healing of relationships.

There are many people who believe that they  are visited by saints and ancestors in times of struggle or discernment.

I believe it happens when we are open to the possibility.

What do you think? 

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 4.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

My recent journey has given me much to think about in regards to the impact we have on others and the impact that they have on us. My exploration around the younger self has opened my eyes to what drives our behavior as adults.

To understand the needs of the younger self, to understand the impact that these needs have on our adult selves, and to understand how to comfort and heal the younger self, is an important exercise that everyone should explore. The quality of one's Life improves dramatically when the younger self's needs are heard and understood.

I strongly recommend the book The Child in You by Stefanie Stahl. While few things are as powerful as therapy, the insights in this book are startling and powerful. I hope it brings you the level of insight that it brought me. 

And lest I forget, here is the late, great Bill Withers with Lean on Me: