“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. - Alan Watts
"The illusion of free will is itself an evolved trait, beneficial for social cohesion but ultimately divorced from reality." - Steven Pinker
Warning:
This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers.
Part 6 of my personal mental health journey continues ....
There are those who think that life has nothing left to chanceA host of holy horrors to direct our aimless danceA planet of playthings, we dance on the strings of powers we cannot perceiveThe stars aren't aligned or the Gods are malign, blame is better to give than receive - Freewill - Rush
It is close to midnight as I drive down a quiet, dark road just southeast of Calgary.
Every once in a while I am compelled to go for a drive, usually late at night. The destination is about 20 minutes from my house, and I am drawn there almost as if by command. It's an irresistable force, like when you have been fasting all day and notice that your favorite dessert is sitting on the kitchen counter.
Going for drives to remote areas like this has been a regular occurrence for me since I was 17 years old. No matter where I live, I always find a place early after my arrival in the new locale, where I am subsequently called to go to on a semi-frequent basis. When I go there, I usually don't remember parking and after the passing of a few hours, I find myself starting up my vehicle to go home. The time always passes without any awareness on my part. I've never been drunk or tried drugs in my Life, so let's not go there.
Some of the incidents have included bizarre moments, including one when I panicked after I arrived - something didn't feel right. On that night, the electrical system in my vehicle failed totally, and my mobile phone died simultaneously, as I attempted to flee. However, whatever event I was about to experience was interrupted when another driver appeared on the scene at that moment. He stopped to provide assistance and could find nothing wrong with my Toyota. My vehicle and mobile phone returned to a normal state within a couple of minutes and we both laughed it off as a coincidence as we wished each other a good night.
A couple of times as I pulled off the road, my headlights caught sight of "someone" waiting for me. "It" was very tall, arms extended slightly from its side in a slightly threatening way, like a gunslinger from the old West waiting to "draw". I don't remember anything after seeing it but it always looked threatening. Darkness can play havoc with one's mind, especially when no one is within miles of you.
One time, I thought I had pulled in and turned around to leave immediately. But something called me back to the spot the next morning. When I returned, I noticed my footprints in the soft mud from the night before, preserved by the overnight frost. They proceeded from where the vehicle would have been turning around and led towards an empty field, where they disappeared into the stubble. I don't even remember stopping, let alone getting out of the SUV. However, I did remember as I backed up, that I saw a flash of someone on my backup cam as they ran behind the vehicle, moving from the passenger side to the driver side. I also remembered being startled at the unexpected sight. Being in the middle of nowhere added to my sense of urgency to turn around and leave quickly. I guess I didn't leave as quickly as I thought.
Sometimes, if I am passing by the area late at night for no reason in particular and have people with me, the same type of event occurs. All of us experience the "missing time" for which we cannot account.
It has frightened the people who have experienced this with me.
It took me a lot of years to get over being angry or afraid of it and while I accept it, I'll never get used to it.
When I get home from these events I usually experience feverish dreams once I climb into bed. The dreams are often strange or disturbing ones where "people" are trying to explain things to me. Upon awakening, I write down what I can remember from my troubled slumber. Many times, what I wrote down provides the solution to something I've been working on professionally or personally.
My mother, the good Roman Catholic that she is, believes that I go to meet guardian angels, although I wonder why they would skulk around in remote areas in the middle of the night. Other people have their theories. I don't have any of my own. I'm evidence-based and without evidence, I am unable to suggest anything useful or believable.
I call them visitors. It seems convenient for want of a better label.
"3 ... 2 ... 1 ...", a voice quietly speaks to me, "Come back to me, Harry."
I open my eyes and my therapist is looking at me, his brow furrowed with concern.
"How do you feel?" he asked, as he turned off the recording app on his phone.
"Like I want to throw up", I replied weakly, "Recounting this stuff is always difficult for me."
He nodded thoughtfully.
"I did some research", he said, "And I found that up to 6% of the population in North America experiences some form of missing time just as you are describing it."
He paused before adding, "That's a lot of people."
"When this first started happening to me", I replied, "I thought I was losing my mind. I went through a battery of tests to determine if I had a tumor, epilepsy or something else that might be responsible."
"When they checked my brain", I added, "They said they found nothing."
We both laughed at the over-used joke.
"Why do you go?" my therapist asked.
"I usually can't help myself", I replied, "It is difficult to explain."
I paused before offering, "Although sometimes it feels ominous like I might get into trouble if I go. Those, I am able to resist a little easier. I can also resist going if I have someone that I can speak to for a while when the compelling feeling comes over me. This allows me to distract myself, and the feeling eventually fades away."
"And who do you think they are?" he asked.
You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voiceIf you choose not to decide, you still have made a choiceYou can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can killI will choose a path that's clear, I will choose Freewill - Freewill - Rush
"I have no idea", I said as I shrugged, "All I know is that I don't think I have ever been hurt by them."
"You've been wanting us to explore this for a while", he said, "Why is this so important to you?"
"Well", I began, "I wasn't sure if the presence of whatever this is was a contributor to my incident a few weeks ago. I explored this with a different therapist years ago, but I found it made me physically ill to do so, and so I discontinued the exploration."
I paused.
"I guess I'm curious about whether the existence of whatever this is added to the stress I was feeling at the time of my incident", I offered.
"It's difficult to say", my therapist said, "Since we don't know what it is or what its intentions are for you."
"The other thing that has always bothered me", I added, "Is that I find it very difficult to resist them when I get called out."
"So you have no free will when it comes to the visitors, as you call them?" he asked.
"Most times, I don't seem to", I replied.
"Free will is an interesting challenge in today's world", my therapist, "There was a quote I read some years ago that went along the lines of the illusion of free will being shattered upon the realization that every decision we make is merely a product of our genetics, upbringing, Life experiences and environment."
"It sounds plausible", I replied, "But I don't see what that has to do with this."
"When you decided to take your own Life, you thought of the bus driver and your family", my therapist said, leaning towards me, "You changed your mind. You had the free will to prevent yourself from taking your Life at that moment. So while you struggle with free will and your visitors, you clearly have it sometimes."
I shrugged, clearly missing the point he was trying to make.
"Maybe", he said, "Our free will runs on autopilot unless a special moment, or a stronger external force, arises that takes us outside of the programming that dominates our mind."
"Or ...", his voice trailed off, "Maybe a Higher Power intervened."
"What kind of Higher Power?" I asked, "What does that mean?"
"Well", he said, searching for words, "I guess it depends on your beliefs. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's your visitors. Maybe they're one in the same."
"I still don't know what are you saying", I said with frustration.
"Well", he said, hesitatingly, "Maybe your visitors had a hand in convincing you to not step in front of the bus. Maybe they were compelling you even then."
"Do you really think that's possible?" I asked.
"I'm not sure", he replied, "Again, we know nothing of them, their origins or their intentions."
He paused.
"Anyway", he said, "The Higher Power thing is too complex for us to get into today, but I insist that we do get back to it at some point. However, I do have this thought on breaking out of autopilot."
He pulled out a book, thumbed through it as he looked for a specific page, and then began to read.
"It's not what the vision is, it's what the vision does. Once a structure exists, energy moves through that structure by the path of least resistance. In other words, energy moves where it is easiest for it to go. You got to where you are in your life right now by moving along the path of least resistance."
"That's from The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz", he said, as he closed the book.
"So what you are telling me", I replied, "Is that we are all drifting along, following this path of least resistance. We will continue to float along in this mix of idyllic bliss and wasted potential unless something happens, or is done to us, that awakens us from this dream."
"Possibly", he replied, "How many of your actions have we traced back to your psychological younger self in its desperate need for affirmation? How many of them happened without thought, or seemingly without your control or guidance?"
I bit my lip, ashamed of the reminder of how my Life on autopilot had produced a blend of success and disaster.
"Well", I said, half jokingly to deflect from my embarrassment, "You have to admit that all of my victories and defeats have always been large. I never wasted my time on small events."
"That's not funny", he replied.
"Sorry", I replied, feeling stupid for offering such a remark.
"Now", he replied, "Think of all the people you have interacted with in your lifetime. Imagine that most of those people, without the sudden cranial defibrillator of an intense moment, as you experienced, are also operating on autopilot. Many of them are likely following their path of least resistance without a thought."
He paused as I soaked up the idea.
"Blindly following that path", he added, "Now imagine the accidental successes and significant disasters that they create while on autopilot. Maybe the outcomes are more likely due to luck, fate or something else. "
"Or", he said quietly, "Someone else."
I still said nothing.
"Imagine how many things they did on autopilot because of the programming they received through their younger years", he continued, "Just as you witness in your own behavior."
"Now think of how much more forgiveness they deserve because of this", he suggested, "We judge people, ignoring the programming they have been receiving their whole Life. Now consider this. Much of what they do, good and bad, was instilled in them from youth by their parents. Do you agree with this idea?"
"It makes sense", I replied.
"If you accept that", he said, "Then you must accept that their parents were in turn, similarly influenced by their parents, good and bad, and so on, and so on, and so on."
"Ok", I answered, gesturing him to continue.
"So if you accept that, then you must accept that we are the culmination of generations of ancestors", he said, "This is a concept that the Buddhists call habit energy. So! We are living our lives based in part on the results, and choices of unknown generations before us."
"If we could address this habit energy", he continued, "We could find it easy to forgive people and find a way to restore free will in them, freeing them from the shackles of the negative choices and beliefs of their ancestors. "
"What I'm trying to tell you", he added, "Is that your event has brought you face to face with being much more intentional with your Life. This provides you with an opportunity to use your background and your present experience to explore this for yourself and gift it to others. It is a great gift if used properly."
"What if I hadn't survived this moment of enlightenment?" I asked somewhat mockingly.
"But you did", he replied, "So your point is moot."
"If this is such a gift", I replied, "How can other people receive it? I mean, after all, the experience I had was not only terrifying, but we can't very well go around telling people that they can receive enlightenment if they survive a suicide attempt."
I hesitated, choosing my words carefully.
"And", I said quietly, "I want to know why the thought of visitors interfering with me taking my own Life came to mind for you."
"That I cannot answer for you", he replied, "But what if a place could be created that helps people neutralize the bad effects of habit energy and amplifies the good effects. And what if this place could help them see the effects of habit energy on others?"
"And", he said, "Maybe this place could also be open to helping people understand other things in their lives. Stuff like spirits, guardian angels, visitors or whatever they want to call them."
"It's an interesting idea", I replied, "I had been thinking of building a healing place before my event, but it hadn't completely come into focus."
"Well", my therapist replied, "I would suggest that your need to heal yourself may have lit the path of purpose for this. Maybe you were pushed in this direction! Maybe you were forced to come face to face with your mortality as a call to action for yourself and others."
"I am amazed at the seeker of purity who, when it's time to be polished, complains of rough handling ...
When someone beats a rug, the blows are not against the rug but against the dust in it." - Rumi
"Something or someone did this to me against my will?" I asked, incredulously, "I don't have the strength right now to build this so it would be pretty stupid for someone to draw me towards taking my own Life and then thwart my attempt."
"Well", he replied, "I have two responses. First, do you know of any other way to get the attention of someone whose mind is so focused on things as you often are?"
I shrugged.
"And secondly", he continued, "Who said you needed to build it by yourself? That's something else we need to talk about - your need to own everything."
"I don't have a need to own everything", I said a little hotly.
"We will talk", he replied.
To be continued.
The entire series can be found here:
- The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
- Life: Choices and Possibilities
- Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
- Life: Forgiveness
- Life: Creating Space
- Life: A Question of Free Will
- Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
- Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
Thank you for sharing. It's important!
ReplyDeleteI resonate with the term habit energy. So many humans are going through the motions and living by shoulds, rarely if ever reflecting more deeply on purpose. I do think your event was for a greater purpose and calling in your life, Harry. Thanks for sharing this very vulnerable chapter. Dr. Laura
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