Life: Creating Space

"Find a moment of stillness, give your heart a chance to tell you where you really need to be." - Dodinsky

"Listen to silence. It has much to say." - Rumi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 5 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence. - Desiderata - Les Crane

Waves broke furiously over Topsail Beach in Newfoundland on August of 2005 as I parked in the parking lot facing the beach. I was struggling to maintain my composure during a complicated phone conversation with lawyers, and I needed to stop driving to focus on the call. I had recently been accepted in a Witness Protection program in the United States as I navigated being the key witness in an international fraud trial.  As a result, my Life had gotten more complex than I hoped.

As my mind wondered how my Life had gotten this complicated, I noticed that I was alone in the parking lot with the exception of another vehicle. The lady behind the wheel was crying, her emotion distracting me from my phone call.

When my call ended, I sat there and stared at the stormy, restless surf, wondering what else my day had in store for me. I glanced over at the woman and noticed she was still sobbing uncontrollably. 

I was still stinging from my phone call but I got out of my vehicle and crossed the windswept parking lot to her vehicle to see what was wrong.

I tapped on the driver's side window and she looked up, tears in her eyes. She opened the vehicle window about an inch.

It hadn't occurred to me until that moment how intimidating the situation would feel to her as a 6'3" stranger had approached her vehicle in a parking lot empty, except for us.

"I noticed you were crying", I said through the window, "So I came over to see if you were ok."

"I'm fine", she replied, a faint smile betrayed by the tears running down her face, "But thank you for asking."

"From where I sat in my vehicle", I replied, "You didn't look like you were fine but I won't bother you if you are telling me that you're ok." 

I wished her well and returned to my vehicle. I started it up and proceeded to leave the parking lot.

"Go back", I heard suddenly, as clear and loud as if someone had been sitting right next to me.

Shrugging it off, I continued to drive and then I heard "Go back" again. This time it was insistent.

"I'm losing my mind", I thought as I turned my vehicle around.

"Learning how to be still, to really be still and let Life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance." - Morgan Freeman

I parked beside her and walked to her vehicle again, oblivious to what she must be thinking as I, the persistent stranger, had returned.

I knocked on the glass again, and once again she opened it about an inch, not that it would have made a difference if I had any malicious intentions.

Suddenly overcome with empathy for her, I leaned in toward her window. "I know you said that you are ok", I said, "But I don't think you are."

Pushing my business card through the window, I said, "I don't know what you are going through but know that there are people out there who love you and will help you. Please contact me at any time if you need help."

She thanked me as she accepted my business card and she closed the window.

Pausing for a moment, I looked at her and then returned to my vehicle. This time there was no inner voice giving me commands as I drove away.

A week later, to the hour of the encounter with the lady on the beach, I was driving past the same area when my mobile phone chirped that I had received a voicemail. 

"Odd", I thought, "My phone didn't ring to announce a call."

I pulled over and listened to the voicemail.

---

"3 ... 2 ... 1", I heard a voice say, "Fully awake now."

I opened my eyes. As they adjusted to the light, I noticed that I was in my therapist's office. 

"You still have her voicemail, don't you?" My therapist asked gently.

"Yes", I replied, reaching for my phone, "I listen to it when Life gets complicated."

Moments later, L____'s voice filled the therapist's office. The periodic beeps in the voicemail informed the listener that the call was being recorded.

"Why didn't you call her back at the time?" my therapist asked.

"It was a blocked call", I replied, "The number was hidden from my phone."

We played the message again.

In the call, L____ identified herself as the "pathetic lady on the beach" and she shared that she had been waiting for me to leave so that she could take her Life. At the same moment, I had been thinking about how difficult my Life had become while she was wondering if Life was even worth living.

Her closing line still brought tears to my eyes even though I had replayed her message many times over the years. "I did want to tell you, Harry, how much that meant to me. That selfless act of kindness and compassion will stay with me always.  You're a good man, Harry Tucker, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

She thanked me and terminated the call.

My therapist and I sat in silence.

"In that moment", he said, softly, "You created a space for her to be heard. And while she didn't say much out loud, the pain that her heart was feeling was heard by you in that space."

I nodded but said nothing. 

"When you decided to take your own Life", he continued, "Your heart had been demanding space for a while. It was demanding to be heard and you didn't honor it."

"I was busy", I offered weakly.

"Busy", my therapist repeated, thoughtfully chewing on his pen, "The similarity between you and L____ was that you both had someone who would listen to you. She had you. You had people also, if you had asked for help."

"The difference", he continued, "Is that you chose to be private about the load that you were carrying until it was almost too late."

"I was raised with the belief that men quietly own their shit and push through pain", I replied, knowing my excuse sounded pretty lame.

"All men should strive to learn, before they die, what they are running from and to, and why." - James Thurber

"Well", my therapist replied, "There are three choices when it comes to creating healing space. We can be helped by someone as you helped L____. We can choose to voluntarily pause and create the space that we need for ourselves. Or, we can wait until Life overruns us and be awakened by Life's klaxon. When the latter happens, we can choose to be grateful for the space that is created for us or we can continue to be obstinate until a more complex lesson arrives."

I shrugged but said nothing. 

My therapist cleared his throat before continuing.

"Of the thousands of people you have helped over the years", he began, "What was the single most common solution needed by them?"

I thought for a moment.

"The funniest thing", I replied, "Is that many people thanked me profusely for my help when the reality was, I didn't do much, if anything, to help them."

"I disagree", my therapist replied, "What you gave them was a safe space to express their pain and to be heard. Being heard in such a place is a rare gift in today's world."

He paused.

"Many people know what they need to do when they seek guidance from others", he continued, "When they can be heard in a comforting, loving, safe space, they are invited to look inside their own psyche and they feel safer trusting themselves with an answer that comes from within. This is what you have offered thousands of people over the years."

I nodded in silence.

"You have offered so many people this safe space", he observed, "When you didn't create it for yourself, karma decided it was going to create it for you. Now the question is whether or not you have the courage to look within as you have helped so many people to do in their own lives."

"When we take the courage to look within", he added, "What looks complicated is nowhere near as complicated as we thought, and what is truly important has a better chance of being seen and heard."

I knew this - I've lectured many people on this for years.

"Do you know what?" he asked, "I think the exchange with L____ on that stormy day was as important for you as it was for her. Just a thought."

He paused.

"Healer", he said, gently, "Heal thyself."

I sat in silence

I knew what I needed to do.

"To be creative you must create a space for yourself where you can be undisturbed ... separate from everyday concerns." - John Cleese 

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

I have never used my connections to find out what happened to L____. Some days I am tempted. Some days I don't want to know.

What would you do if you had it within your power to locate her?

For years, I drove myself at a million miles an hour, chastising people who never slowed down or who accepted too much drama or abuse from others. I told many people the reason why you put your oxygen mask on first when an aircraft is in trouble, but I never put mine on at all.

I never created the space I needed to hear the quiet voice inside that was calling for attention or help. I never paused to see what was important for me as my damaged inner self clamored for attention and affirmation. I waited until an act of final desperation was my only option.

Or so I thought.

I will never make that mistake again.

What do you think? 

Do you create the space you need when you need it, or better yet, before you need it?

Do you think that you don't need to create that space?

Or do you want to take the chance that you are wrong and throw it all away in a moment where you feel overrun with no options except for an act of finality that will hurt many?

When Life decides that we don't have things under control, we may discover quickly, and without warning, that we are not in control, no matter how much we believe to the contrary.

I think you are smarter than that.

I know you are worthy of better than that.

What do you think?

What do you intend to do about it?

What are you waiting for?

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 5.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

I opened my post with a quote from the song Desiderata by Les Crane. It's a beautiful song that's worth sharing. Please indulge me.