Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse 

 Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 10 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

"To everything turn, turn, turn

There is a season turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under Heaven" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"That's quite the list", a voice said breaking the silence in the room.

I turned towards the source of the observation. My therapist was staring at the whiteboard on his office wall.

I looked back towards the whiteboard. Most people prefer their therapy take place from the comfort of the classic chair or couch. My therapy sessions have centered around my place of comfort - a place that evolved after decades in the business world of Wall St. and elsewhere.

The whiteboard.

We were revisiting the ways I could have died in years gone by (the list can be found in the post Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness).

"Of all the ways you could have died against your choice or will", my therapist began, "you survived them all and then almost took your own Life."

I shrugged but said nothing, fighting a tinge of shame that still lurked somewhere in my subconscious. I am betrayed by my eyes, misting as I think about the result that I had missed by seconds.

"A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"How do you feel today?" he asked.

"Stronger", I replied quietly, "Better. Grateful. Blessed. Other things that are difficult to describe. I still have difficult moments though."

My therapist nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you remember when we listed the physical injuries you have sustained in your Life?" he asked.

I nodded as my mind replayed the list quietly.

• Broken feet - both, multiple times.
• Broken hands - both.
• Broken ribs.
• Broken lower back.
• Fused vertebrae in my neck from an unknown injury.
• Broken collarbone - three times.
• Ruptured calves - both.
• Torn hamstrings - both, multiple times.
• Torn quads - both, multiple times.
• Torn adductors - both.
• Torn rotators - both, multiple times.
• Fractured skull.
• Level 3 concussion - not related to the skull fracture.

All from separate accidents, and yet I was blessed that none of them created chronic issues after they had healed.

I reached up as if by habit, and mindlessly rubbed the spot where I had fractured my skull in an office in NYC.

"What do you feel when you rub that spot?" he asked.

"I feel the lump where my skull repaired itself", I replied. "The bone is now thicker there than elsewhere on my head."

"The body is a miracle", my therapist replied. "Your skull is now much stronger in the area where it repaired itself."

"Your mind has the same ability to be stronger after an injury", he added. "What do you think of this?"

"I'm not sure", I replied. "Sometimes I still feel vulnerable."

"That's normal", he replied. "It will take a while for your mind to completely heal."

He began flipping through his notes.

"Shortly after you began seeing me", he continued, "I asked you what you thought about the people around you after you almost took your Life. Do you remember?"

"Yes", I replied, "I divided my world into three groups of people."

"Go on", he said.

"Well", I began, "There were the people who supported me after I almost took my Life. There were those who abandoned me - angry with me, ashamed of me or disappointed in me."

I paused.

"They saw me as weak", I said. "Some people even celebrated the fall of someone like me. Although when they see me in public now, they avoid eye contact with me."

I paused again, reflecting on the pain that thought brought me.

"And there were the people who I thought contributed to me making my decision to take my Life", I said quietly.

"A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

There was silence in the room. 

"Now how do you see those people?" he asked.

"I imagine their early beginnings", I said quietly, "their childhoods, their struggles, their pain, their needs - their journey."

My eyes misted again.

"And I feel compassion for them", I said, "All of them. I feel love for them."

My therapist nodded.

"We discussed the story The Egg some time ago", he offered. "That we are potentially one soul spread across many physical bodies."

"Yes", I replied. "I still struggle with that."

"Go on", he encouraged.

"In my line of work, I saw photos of decapitated children", I began, "and photos of women who had been raped then set on fire. I've worked on algorithms that predict the end of the world in horrific, human-caused ways. Other things. You know - all the "fun stuff " that people like to pretend doesn't exist."

I paused, feeling anger stirring.

"And it made me angry and afraid for humanity", I continued.

"I feel your anger", he said. "Welcome it. Ask it what it wants to teach you."

"Well", I began, "I struggle with offering unconditional love to people who need to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others."

I paused before continuing.

"I have put people in jail", I replied. "I have the opportunity to put dangerous people in jail as we speak. I defend people against violent, broken people. How can I do this and still love evil people unconditionally?"

"Love the sinner but punish the sin", he replied.

"Clichés irritate me", I replied tartly.

"Is it the cliché or the truth buried in it that irritates you?" he asked.

I shrugged but offered no reply.

"Back to your anger", he continued. "What is it saying to you now?"

"A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

I looked at him.

"It tells me that acts of evil cannot be allowed to stand", I replied. "That no matter how much unconditional love I can offer people, there will always be evil in the world that needs to be dealt with."

I paused.

"Maybe you need to see the evil in a different way", he offered.

"Perhaps", he continued, "when you punish evil you can find alternatives to dealing with it that you might not have considered before. Maybe love will contribute to new solutions or approaches for you."

"How so?" I replied.

"It depends on your beliefs, I guess", he continued. "You are obviously sharing love with the victims by defending and protecting them. But maybe you are correcting the karma of the perceived evildoer, and in doing so, offering healing and love to them."

He paused.

"Perhaps you are freeing them from past sins", he continued, "and offering a better future either in this Life or the next."

I frowned in thought but said nothing.

"And besides", he offered, "can you offer unconditional love to everyone and still allow people to be hurt? Is it possible that instead of looking at this as punishing evildoers that you are in fact helping them?"

"Maybe", I replied.

He flipped through his notes in silence.

"On a similar but different note", he began, "you told me that you now accept that every person you encounter teaches you something."

"Yes", I replied. "I believe that to be true."

"Tell me more", he said.

"I used to feel grateful primarily for the people who helped me or who created great memories for me", I said. "But I now realize that the people who I have had struggles with are the ones who have helped me grow the most."

"In fact", I continued, "there was a time when I would have told some people who hurt me to go fuck themselves. I had it within my ability to really hurt them with minimal effort on my part."

"And", I said wryly, "I might have been pretty quick about it for some people. My wounded inner child could be swiftly vindictive when it wanted to be."

"Now", I added quietly, "I would say thank you for what they have taught me - for helping me to grow and become a better person. I would tell them that they bring my weaknesses and mistakes out in the open to help me become a better person."

"They were preparing me for a greater Purpose, I said, "but I resisted everything instead of being open to the transformation that their actions offered me."

"A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rain, a time of sow

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

My therapist nodded.

"So", he said, "You survived a spontaneous desire to take your own Life, not because of depression, but because of an occurrence of severe emotional flooding. You're not on medication, and I don't think you need to be at this time. Your inner child feels loved and affirmed for the first time in his Life without the need for damaging behavior or thoughts on his part. You see the role of others in helping you grow."

He paused.

"You also had the courage to share your journey with others who are having difficulty with Life", he said. "That took a lot of guts."

"Maybe I didn't care what people thought", I replied.

"You know that's not true", he said sternly. "While in many ways you have told people in the past that you don't care, you have a gentle heart that can be wounded pretty easily. I posit that you have one of the gentlest hearts I have ever seen."

He paused.

"More easily than you would admit", he added, "Even to yourself."

I let him continue.

"I know you did this to offer hope to others", he said gently. "I remember what you told me about your thoughts about people who struggle."

"Yes", I said. "It bothers me when people are in pain, are afraid or are alone. Whenever I become aware that someone has died, I always say a prayer, hoping that none of those conditions were true for them."

"And so your sharing has always been with those things in mind", he said.

"Maybe", I replied, "But I'm thinking that I have shared enough for now. Thousands of people have written to me to either thank me for helping them, or for having the courage to get the word out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

I paused.

"And it's not a train", I said.

"Or a bus", he said, gently referring to the way I almost took my Life.

"I will always defend people in trouble", I said. "No matter how much I embrace the concept of unconditional love and understanding, I will never allow people to come to harm in any way if I can help it. It's often a thankless job but I do it because I believe I am required to take action if I am able to."

"If you ever knowingly allowed someone to come to harm", he replied, "I would be shocked. But I suspect I wouldn't be as disappointed in you as you would be in yourself."

For a moment I reflected on past conversations about being my own worst critic.

"Changing the subject", I said, "An important person in my Life told me today that she felt I was transforming into Kwai Chang Caine."

"Ah yes", he said, "The protagonist in the old Kung Fu series. It fits you quite nicely!"

"It does?" I asked.

"A man who overcomes obstacles throughout his Life and emerges as someone whose heart is committed to defending others and dedicates his Life to lifting and serving them", he said. "And besides, how many people have the ability to defend people like you do."

I shrugged.

"Or the courage", he said, "You have accumulated over 100 death threats over the years defending others. Many people who talk the talk don't dare walk that walk!"

"I do, however, think that there will be a lot more love and gratitude behind your efforts moving forward", he added.

"I'm a work in progress", I replied. "I'm doing my best."

"Aren't we all", he laughed, then paused.

"I'm reducing the number of sessions per week that you see me", he said. "What will you do with less homework and more time?"

"Well", I replied. "I have a lot of things in the works."

"Uh oh", he said, "is this the overworked Harry coming back?"

"Not at all", I protested lightly. "I have a brief solo trip coming up for reflection and journaling where I plan to revisit places that are a source of gratitude or pain for me. My intent is to embrace or neutralize different energies that still originate from them."

"Excellent", he exclaimed.

"I have also decided to walk the steps of my ancestors from the last 350 years", I added. "I expect that trip to take between one and two years. It will be a mix of solo journeys and having people important to me joining in at specific points along the way."

"Wow", he replied, "I don't know anyone who is doing this!"

"And", I continued, "The manifestation of my new healing ranch will gear up once I have finished some personal housecleaning."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" he said.

"Don't worry", I laughed, "I'm just the catalyst for this. I'm going to enable people who are much more knowledgeable about things than I am. I'm the enabler - not the do'er."

I paused.

"You saved my Life", I said, my eyes misting, "I don't know where to start with thank-you's."

"Well", he said, "Not only was it my privilege, but you sharing our sessions saved the lives of others and inspired many. The future you have in mind for others is inspiring in itself."

"Everyone is worth saving", he added.

"I know", I replied. "Little Harry thinks so also."

To be continued.

With love, 

Harry

---

Thoughts on Kwai Chang Caine

In an exchange today with someone very important to me, we noodled over the idea that unconditional love should not be confused with the principle of "turning the other cheek".

While "turn the other cheek" has multiple theological meanings that I won't get into here, I have witnessed people who believe that offering unconditional love means that you passively submit to violence, abuse and the like, because to do anything else is counter to unconditional love. 

To them, it means they should be a doormat to miscreants - offering zero resistance - and in doing so, strengthening the power and authority of people who believe it is their right to control, manipulate or hurt others. 

By way of challenging people who confuse the two concepts, I offer a number of scenarios to test their premise. 

Here is one of them.

You're walking down a dark alley with someone important (maybe it's a child) and suddenly someone seizes the child and threatens to throttle them. There is a knife on the ground. Are you going to pick up the knife and save the child, or are you going to offer unconditional love to the assailant as the Life is squeezed out of the child?

If you choose the second option, you are either lying or misguided.

There is a similar scenario that I have used in work presentations that demonstrates how to obtain access to an aircraft cockpit even though the door is supposedly locked for our safety.

Denial of human primal wiring is a recipe to get the wrong people hurt. 

The people who confuse unconditional love with turning the other cheek actually contribute to the problems in our world when they refuse to stand up to trouble. While unconditional love and understanding can lessen or solve many problems, there are situations when it will be completely ineffective or exceptionally harmful.

What we don't oppose, we often condone by default.

That's not to say that unconditional love in some situations shouldn't be an initial strategy in resolving issues. However, there are times when realities call upon us to resort to more aggressive strategies in response to some situations.

When thinking of Caine's character in the Kung Fu series, he never threw "the first punch". He preferred to talk his way out of problems or to redirect or sidestep attacks directed towards him. When forced however, he was able and willing to physically defend himself and others but did so in a minimalist way commensurate with the threat at hand.

If unconditional love and pacificism become confusingly intertwined, how will we defend those without a voice - those who are oppressed, or those who are being crushed by the ignorant?

As the Freemasons say, "Who will defend the widow and the orphan?"

In four out of five times I was mugged in NYC, I was attacked first. Laying down and taking it or sending waves of unconditional love to my assailant might have gotten me killed. In the fifth incident, I talked my way out of it, saving the lives of people who were looking for trouble and the person who was with me.

So unconditional love gives us the opportunity to find better solutions but it is one of several options.

Unconditional love reminds us to be humble when dealing with others and to spare judgement unless more severe action is warranted. It guides our responses but it never restricts them.

Thoughts on The Egg

The Egg is an intriguing story. I offer it here with no analysis (but your thoughts are always welcome).

The Egg.

Closing Thoughts on this Series

My therapy sessions are recorded. I have transcribed some of them for publication in this series.

My Life journey has been rich with moments of enlightenment and intense pain over the years. But is this not the journey for most of us?

I have worked on end-of-world scenarios in my profession for years. It has wounded and empowered me in many ways. It has also colored how I see everything, both to my benefit and my detriment. It contributed to taking me right to the edge of Life and almost death. I am hoping now that it helps me serve others in a better way.

People who know me know that music is an important part of my Life. I recently heard that when we're in our twenties or thirties, we listen to the music, and when we are in our forties and fifties, we listen to the lyrics.

Some songs catch me off guard these days. On a walk alone one day this week, a song snared my brain and temporarily paralyzed me. I heard this song a lot when I was in my twenties and didn't care. It means a lot more to me in my fifties. Here is Wasted on the Way by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

There are people out there who suggested that this series was my way of saying goodbye to the world. I can say without reservation that this is not the case.

I shared my journey with the intent to offer people hope that there is light out there. I know many publicly confident people who struggle intensely in private. There are many who tell great myths about self-made success whom I have helped when they thought they couldn't go forward. My hope is that at some point, they will embrace a more authentic Life.

For you, my readers, I am extremely grateful for your compassion and love as I explored this facet of my Life. It wasn't easy for me to share. I suspect that this will be a work-in-progress until my end of days has arrived. If you have gleaned anything of value from this series, then my musings have accomplished their purpose.

For the people who were there unconditionally for me as I climbed back from the precipice, I have no words that can adequately express my gratitude. You know who you are. You know what we will accomplish in the future as we move forward in unconditional love. Let my actions born of gratitude speak so loudly that they become louder than what I'm saying.

For the people who helped me to find the real me - thank you. The rest of my Life will be richer because of it. The Life of those whom I encounter will be richer also. Your impact on others through me will be your legacy.

For those of you who are "disappointed" in my demonstration of "weakness" in sharing this story or thinking about taking my Life, my prayer for you is that you and your loved ones will never experience what I did. If you do, call me. I will be there for you.

For those who for spite, envy, or other reasons, reveled in my fall, I may disappoint you when I tell you that I have arisen from the ashes stronger than ever. I offer you the earnest wish that you may encounter Blessings in your Life. If you ever run into trouble, I will show you what unconditional love looks like.

For those who hurt others, I will still be an unpleasant presence in your Life. It's my calling for which I make no apology. I hope we will both be better for the interaction.

My journey, including therapy, self discovery, personal growth, and service to others continues.

Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me.

I am ever grateful to you.

As for this entire blog, I have shared a lot of opinions and warnings in it over the years. Much of the content includes things that I am now unhappy for having written. I leave it for others to read, learn from, or judge me for. I will return to it when I have something worthy of your time to read.

I would like to leave you with two of my favorite quotes.

When it comes to navigating pain in Life:

"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." - Indigenous American proverb

When it comes to being called to do the right thing:

"Let my heart be broken by that which breaks the heart of God." - Bob Pierce (whatever you define God to be)

With love,

Harry

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 10 and is the final installment describing my journey.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

Turn, Turn, Turn is a beautiful song based on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes. Here is the timeless classic.

Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." - Marcus Tullius Cicero

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." - Albert Schweitzer

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 9 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down a road and back again

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

My therapy session started as most of them do. 

My therapist uses a number of different techniques to loosen up my mind before the session starts. Today he used yarrow stalks to cast an I Ching reading. For those who are not familiar with the use of I Ching, I invite you to explore it here.

Today's I Ching result was hexagram 15, interpreted as "humility" or "authenticity". If you are interested, here are some interpretations of this hexagram.

• Cafe au Soul 
• Divination Foundation
• Mothering Change

As he named the hexagram, but before we began to analyze it, he said quickly, "First word that comes to mind."

"Gratitude", popped out of my mouth before I had a chance to reflect.

Gratitude has always been important to me.

People who don't know me well are not familiar with how I started in this world. My parents were married in April and I was born in August. The primary house I lived in until I was seven years of age is shown below.

It had no running water. Our commode was a white enameled pail, and potable water was drawn from a well. The three kids that started here grew up to become a Wall St. strategy guy, a pediatric oncologist in palliative care and an engineer respectively.

In my career, success has come and gone and come again as it does for many who know the thrilling and terrifying cycles of entrepreneurship. Anyone who accompanies entrepreneurs like me deserve a medal of courage as we experience dizzying heights of success and the terrifying darkness of complexity. Many of us have a mantra - "Never look down". Most of the people around us can't resist a peak, and are often terrified of how high the tightwire really is.

If you had told me when I was young that I was destined to live the Life that I ultimately lived, I would have thought you had lost your mind.

As my therapist and I discussed my Life journey today, I was overcome with emotion.

"What are you feeling?" he asked gently.

"I don't know how all of this happened", I replied.

I'm not ashamed to say

I hope it always will stay this way

My hat is off, won't you stand up and take a bow - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

"Let's break down your journey", he said.

My mother always read to my siblings and I with the limited books we had. 

Mrs. Rowe, an early elementary school teacher, fed my insatiable thirst for reading by providing me with more books than I could ever have dreamt of. She asked me a lot of questions about them to make sure that I understood what I was reading.

When I was ten years old, my first librarian allowed me to take out eight books at a time when the limit per person was two.

My dad was strong in mathematics and always helped me with math homework.

Mr. Morgan, my high school geometry and trigonometry teacher, took that math foundation and set it on fire, filling me with a love of mathematics, logic and critical thinking. 

When I found out that he also purchased clothing for kids who couldn't afford their own in the cold winter months, the seeds were planted in me for a future of service. I later learned that he caught a lot of flack from other teachers, and the school system itself, for doing this.

My therapist and I moved from my early childhood years to my career.

Without exception, every significant success in my Life came "by accident". I say "by accident" even though I do not believe in accidents or coincidences. There was no grand strategy in play on my part. There was no masterful, cunning execution by an aggressive (assertive), "brilliant", decisive alpha male.

Everything significant came to me without any intention, desire or action on my part.

My inner child ever needing to be affirmed, said "yes" to practically every opportunity that arrived. Saying "yes" to so many things led to an amazing, Blessed career and Life.  

Saying "yes" to so many things also led to complexity. Relationships are hard to maintain and family time is hard to come by when you're flying at a million miles an hour. People who have come along for the ride often live in terror (remember - don't look down), and then wondered how the hell things fell into place when they were given the time to do so. People who bailed prematurely often missed out on the "harvest". I don't blame them. I would not have had the courage to follow me on the ride either.

And then there were the other things that happened. 

I survived stage four, three-month-terminal cancer, diagnosed in March of 1996. 

I have survived five airplane "incidents": two RPM governance failures on takeoff, a structural integrity compromise during heavy turbulence, a sudden depressurization at cruising altitude and a near mid-air collision on final as I flew into Toronto.

I split my bicycle helmet when I went over my handlebars at 50 km. per hour.

I have had three near lightning strikes (within 25 feet of me each time).

I was mugged five times in NYC. My martial arts background got a little exercise: two were unconscious before they hit the ground (they swung first), two were knocked to the ground and I talked my way out of the fifth incident.

I was stabbed in the side by a man with dementia while waiting for a subway train in Toronto.

I was knocked out by a guy who drove past me from behind with a long piece of lumber sticking out of his car window. At the moment just before the lumber struck me, I thought I heard someone yell "Look out" in my ear. The command caused me to jump and the lumber struck me across the shoulder blades instead of my neck. Interestingly, the witness driving behind the car in question thought I jumped because of the flash by my head that he saw. EMS told me I should have been killed.

What do you think of guardian angels?

The list of things that I have survived is much longer than this. 

The point that became clear to me as my therapist and I went through all of this was that I cannot claim to have had any role in anything significant in my Life.

At all.

God, the Source, a Higher Authority, Goddess, or however you define "something greater than we are", clearly had a major hand in many of the significant events in my Life.

As for the rest, I am nothing without the people who have been in my Life. 

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

Well, you would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

As Newton once said:

"If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Where to start ...

My family. Say no more. Being with an entrepreneur is not easy. I wouldn't have had the courage to be with an entrepreneur like me.

The amazing friends that I have, who I would stack up against any group of friends anywhere for their intellect, their wisdom, their love and their support. How I have deserved to be blessed by them still escapes me.

The mentors who took the time from their busy lives to guide me. They didn't need to. My drive for service is in part my way of saying thank you to them. My inner child, in its need to be recognized, pushed this desire to unhealthy levels.

The people who showed up serendipitously over the years just when I needed them, and waded in to help me unconditionally with whatever I needed help with, are living angels. Some came and stayed. Some stayed for a while and moved on. Their significant impact on me is not dependent on the amount of time we spent together. The fact that we connected matters to me.

The business colleagues whom I have been blessed to forge new paths with are heroes of courage, audacity and perseverance.

The new friends I have made after I survived an attempt to take my own Life. Their offering of wisdom and unconditional love and support as I navigated early shame, confusion and weakness, is something that is transforming me.

The random people whom I encounter every day, either as "that Starbucks guy who always sits at the same table with a mountain of books" or wherever I am blessed to encounter you. You bring light to my day.

The people I have been in relationships with over the years. The list is not long but it sure is quality-filled. I am a better human being because of every one of you.

But as my therapist and I reflected on what I referred to as "the whole smash", there was another group of people who are equally important.

We all know people like the people on this list. They are the people that disagreed with me, fought with me or pissed me off. Some were the people who fired the first shot in many conflagrations. Some were the people who were defending themselves when I fired the first shot. There were the ones who thought they were right in their action.  There were some whom I knew were wrong and deserved whatever they got. 

So I thought.

There were the ones that wounded me or were wounded by me. Sometimes the action was accidental. Sometimes it was on purpose. 

There were the ones who weren't patient with me while I did ten million things at once. It seemed a normal way of living for me while it was frustrating or terrifying to them. However, their perception is their reality. I should have seen their side of it more often.

Today, I realized it didn't matter.

Many of us spend so much time and energy trying to keep score from the past that we lose sight of how to live for the future.

Or, we prevent others from living the future they deserve. throwing obstacles in their path as if we have the karmic authority to judge the sins of others while conveniently overlooking our own. 

In doing so, we violate a simple precept as expressed in this ancient Chinese nugget:

Those who seek revenge dig two graves.

When my therapist and I were finished analyzing all of this today, he gave me some important homework.

I was tasked with the job of cultivating maitri within me. Maitri is the Buddhist philosophy of "placing our fearful mind in the cradle of loving-kindness".  Acts of maitri must be offered free of attachment and thoughts of self-interest.

When cultivating maitri, one must express gratitude to seven circles of people. The circles, from the inner one closest to you to the one furthest from you, are:

• Ourselves (not as easily done as one thinks).
• Family.
• Friends.
• Neutral people (the random strangers we meet on a daily basis or who create products and services that we consume but whom we will never meet).
• People who have hurt us (or whom we have hurt - including the people who really piss you off or whom we have pissed off).
• All of the above as a group (embracing everyone as a group removes imagined barriers between them).
• Everyone through time and space.

If we are honest with ourselves, we are nothing without everyone. 

Everyone.

I once led an exercise with a group of people where we were able to establish that the modest bagel with cream cheese before each of us touched thousands of people. From farmers to bakers to delivery people and everyone in between, it took all those hearts and hands so that we could enjoy such a modest food item.

If it's a car you lack

I'd surely buy you a Cadillac

Whatever you need, any time of the day or night - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

But I wonder if the people who have hurt us intentionally or accidentally, are responsible for revealing the most about us to ourselves. 

I wonder if our greatest leaps in self-discovery and behavior correction are due in large part to that group of people.

It's true that we could never thrive without strong family, great friends, amazing coworkers and the neutral people in our lives.

But what about the people we see as difficult or impossible to be grateful for, either through their actions or the embarrassment of our choices?

Do they not deserve gratitude as well?

I posit that in some cases they deserve the most gratitude of all. 

They are most likely to be the best mirror that reflects back to us who we are, who we think we are and who we would like to be.

Maybe, through interactions and explosions, misunderstandings and attempts to wound, they have contributed to the person that we are today.

Or maybe at some point, they put us on the path to be that person?

Do you know of such a person?

And when we both get older

With walking canes and hair of gray

Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you) - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

One other thought on those people. 

If we examine their inner child and understand the experiences that those people witnessed and endured, I believe it is highly likely that we will feel compassion for their Life, past and present. 

Maybe even unconditional love.

And if we can reach that understanding, maybe we will find it even easier to thank them for who they are in our Life.

I've spent a good part of yesterday and today reaching out to people to express my gratitude for them.

In part, it is to fulfill my therapist's homework request.

But the reality is that my heart needs to do this.

The list is long. If I haven't gotten to you yet, don't sweat it. I'm getting there!

If you are in "that special list", you may be shocked or surprised when you receive my expression of gratitude.

You may be angered by it.

You may be grateful for it.

It's from my heart. There is no reply necessary.

Wherever you are in my maitri list, you have all made my Life better, and for that I am eternally grateful to you.

My successes are entirely due to you and a Higher Authority. You are the giants on whose shoulders I stand, in gratitude, awe and wonder.

My mistakes and failures are my own.

Please be patient with me. 

I'm a work-in-progress.

And when we die and float away

Into the night, the Milky Way

You'll hear me call as we ascend

I'll see you there, then once again - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to schoolmate and Master Warrant Officer (retired), Charles "Charlie" Mercer. He passed away suddenly in 2020. Chris is remembered as a guy who would do anything for anyone in need. He was also someone who could be counted on for some fun shenanigans! I salute your service, your memory, and the people who miss you, Charlie.

---

Long Distance Dedication

I wanted to name names in this post when I wrote it. The people whom I am proud to know as friends (or better) in my Life deserve to be identified for the incredible people that they are in my Life and in the lives of others.

To do this would require permissions to be requested from a lot of very humble people.

You know who you are. 

I am indebted to you.

As for the people in my past who are no longer with us, I can name them and then live in worry that I left out an important person.

They know who they are as well - wherever they are.

But I will dare to name a few of them who appeared in my Life at pivotal moments and who transformed me for the better:

• Margaret Rowe - elementary school, grades 1-3
• Newton B. Morgan - high school, grades 9-11
• Paul J. Johnson - my first boss and mentor
• Gerald Weinberg - my second mentor (long distance)
• Richard Giordanella - who taught me that one can lead with one's heart even on Wall St. (a dedication within a dedication - Chris de Burgh's Snows of New York )
• Colonel Robert M. Johnston - former father-in-law, mentor, colleague and friend, who liked to scare me with stories about nuclear war and alien technology at Wright Patterson AFB while we soaked in his hot tub or played billiards
• Kareen Tucker - my former wife, who "passed away suddenly" in 2018
• Bonita "Bonnie" Petten - defended me in school from bullies and "passed away suddenly" in 2010
• Doug Picirillo - a great friend, mentor and colleague
• Eric Bennett - a great friend and colleague who was lost in the World Trade Center
• Narender Nath - a dear friend and team member who was lost in the World Trade Center 
• Stephen J. Fiorelli - a great friend and neighbor who was lost in the World Trade Center

I will see you again and thank you for what you did for me!

Thoughts on Gratitude and Compassion

While my post is about gratitude, I think unconditional gratitude requires compassion, so that the heart-connection can fully blossom.

Pema Chödrön, in her book, The Places That Scare You, says this about compassion (in conjunction with loving-kindness):

We use the same seven-step aspiration practice to soften our hearts and also to become more honest and forgiving about how and when we shut down. Without justifying or condemning ourselves, we do the courageous work of opening up to suffering. This can be the pain that comes when we put up barriers or the pain of opening our hearts to our own sorrow or that of another being. We learn as much about doing this from our failures as we do from our successes.

In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering, our empathy, as well as cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. 

An area where I really need to grow is in the area of people who are often the easiest to judge and to hate - specifically those whom we label as criminals, terrorists, and the like.

As I noted earlier, when one digs deeply to understand the inner child within those individuals, we can see how that person was created and how we should feel compassion for them. We could have gone down the same path more easily than we realize.

However, compassion for such people should not prevent us from administering punishment or incarceration where warranted. It should also not blind us to the reality that many will commit other crimes if they are not prevented from doing so.

Judging the sin while not judging the sinner is a complex beast. 

Unconditional love, gratitude and compassion is not easy.

But they say that the most difficult things in Life are the ones most worthy of our efforts and aspirations. 

What do you think?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 9.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

The 1970s produced many great songs. Andrew Gold's Thank You for Being a Friend is no exception.

Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

“Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be." - Jocko Willink

"Everybody's life has these moments, where one thing leads to another. Some are big and obvious and some are small and seemingly insignificant." - Peter Jackson

"There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 8 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries - Everybody Hurts - REM

I'm sitting in my therapist's office listening to my voice emanating from the recording of my hypnotherapy session. Under hypnosis I am reliving the day I nearly took my Life.

If you have ever heard a recording of your voice from a hypnotherapy session, you know how strange it feels. It's your voice and yet, there is a strange disconnect as you hear yourself describing things that are fuzzy in your memory. Or forgotten altogether.

"What do you think of your thoughts leading up to the moment you almost took your Life?" my therapist asked.

"None of them were significant", I said quietly as I looked at my notes.

"In fact", I added, "In retrospect, they seem to be pretty trite things to give up a Life over."

"That's because you are looking at them individually", he replied, "instead of looking at the totality of them. Let's explore this."

He walked over to his office whiteboard and began to list things leading up to my event.

"I know you like space launches and such", he said as he consulted his notes. "Let's write your key thoughts and events down in the form of a countdown." 

On the upper left side of the whiteboard, he wrote, "Fueling - Launch Week Minus 1" and underlined it. Underneath that, he wrote "In no particular order".

He continued writing on the whiteboard.

- "A couple of very important personal relationships explode without warning and the blowback affects others. There are escalations that stretch my brain, and I am wounded by the unexpected outcomes. One in particular alerts me that my family might be in danger." (Reader note: The feeling of danger was perceived to be a legitimate reaction at the moment. Working through things with my therapist has given me a better understanding of the incident. Now I feel empathy for the individuals and have expressed a desire for forgiveness to them for the events that led up to the incident.)

- "My meeting about completing a company acquisition that should have taken three months to complete but took eight years instead, is frustrating. I am carrying the entire company, which is draining me in many ways. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

- "My weekly meeting with the client includes reviewing pictures of human remains. They think it's motivational. I've been doing it for some years and wonder why I'm not reacting to them like I used to. I threw up the first time I saw them years ago. Now I look at them with indifference. Most times."

- "My mobile bill shows that I send and receive 45,000 SMS per month. I have started to keep my phone muted because the chime of an arriving message on my phone, or someone else's, makes me feel anxious instantly."  

- "Lab work indicates that my white blood cell count is of concern. I'm a stage 4 cancer survivor. I can't go through this again."

"My memory has been off for the last few weeks. Should I tell my doctor?"

He pauses and looks at me.

"That's a typical week for me", I protested as I scanned the list.

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on - Everybody Hurts - REM

"I highly doubt that", he replied, "You have a very strong, perhaps crippling, habit of dismissing things as insignificant because you are a natural problem solver. Let's continue." 

He drew a vertical line to the right of the list he had written, dividing the board into two columns.

He writes "Launch Day" at the top of the right column, underlines it and begins to write a new list. 

"Here we go", he said, "The final countdown begins."

8 - "Despite my request to colleagues to never read emails first thing in the morning, I do my own quick scan before leaving the house. The emails are ugly and terrifying. It's just another day for me and I've gotten used to it."

7 - "That was a close call as the guy ran a red light on my walk to Starbucks. He should be paying attention. It's a crosswalk used by many kids on their way to school in the area."

6 - "I signal a family member (in the medical profession) that I am not feeling well but I can't put my finger on what the issue is. I tell her that I am feeling pain but I don't mean it in the usual definition of pain. Her reply is cold, and I feel hurt, confused by how I am feeling and her response to me. I guess I was hoping for something more supportive."

5 - "Why aren't the customers at Starbucks grateful for the privilege of their $7 lattes? Did my colleagues and I burn ourselves out working on public safety just for this?"

4 - "The walk signal is not working as it should - three traffic signal changes in a row without a walk signal and it's freezing outside."

3 - "I scan my phone for important SMS and emails from work as I am walking. There is an attachment that I look at. It is horrific."

2 - "I don't know where I'm walking to. Where the hell am I ?"

1 - "Panic"

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you are not alone - Everybody Hurts - REM

0 - "Launch: Step in front of the bus."

He stood in silence as I reflected on his list.

"Now", he said, "What was the one thing that everyone you worked with found amazing about you?"

"I don't know", I replied.

"Of course you do", he replied. "Everyone tells you that you are like a machine. No matter how many projects you get involved in and no matter how much pressure you are under, you always deliver. No matter how many horrific, graphic images you see, you always deliver solutions to your client as you coach everyone else to look away from the horror. No matter how many outsiders ask for your help, you always say yes to their requests."

He paused.

"Everyone has believed for years that nothing bothers you", he said quietly. "They considered you to be a machine and the way you delivered consistently confirmed their idea of you. Maybe it convinced you of that as well! So why wouldn't they continue to throw more and more things over the wall to you in ever-increasing frequency and intensity?"

"Plus ...", he said hesitatingly, "you never asked for help. Ever. Until you signaled to your family member that you were in trouble, nobody knew at all. Your indication that you weren't feeling well was the only time in your Life that you have ever admitted that you couldn't handle your present situation. The cold reply to the one and only time you have ever asked for help caused you to feel cutoff."

"And ...", he said gently, "it triggered your wounded inner child, reaffirming its old beliefs that you were never worthy - even in your most desperate of moments."

"When the relationships died the prior week", he continued, "They also triggered your inner child's defenses. Your inner child was not only rejected, something it feared constantly, but it was prevented from helping those people moving forward. Helping people was an important way that your inner child received affirmation that it was worthy and it felt that that affirmation had been taken away."

He paused for a moment.

"When you have accumulated an almost unlimited number of significant, traumatic events that would devastate most people", he said quietly, "and an inner voice in the form of your younger self believes you are not worthy of being saved, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge."

"I know you study plane crashes. Many of them originate from events that in themselves are often insignificant. It's the perfect sequence of events with impeccable timing that produces the negative outcome."

"After years of dodging things", he added, "you finally hit the potentially fatal sequence. Fortunately for you, there was enough of your mind left to pull you back from the brink. Not everyone is that lucky."

If you're on your own in this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody cries

Everybody hurts, sometimes - Everybody Hurts - REM

I sat in silence, pondering what had been presented to me. 

"So now what?" I asked.

"Well", he began, "your recovery has already begun. The amount of time on your mobile device has been significantly reduced. You have greatly reduced your time spent on work matters. Your consumption of material that is traumatic to your brain has been reduced to zero."

"Our work on nurturing your younger self has been happening in earnest", he continued, "and it feels less triggered and far less consumed by the need for external affirmation."

"And ....", he said, quietly, "you are not afraid to ask for help or to say no more frequently to requests that don't serve you."

"Is that it?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "Now comes the most important part, and for some, most difficult. You must offer forgiveness to everyone you believe contributed to the moment you almost took your Life. And in turn, you should ask for their forgiveness in case you hurt them, either real or perceived."

"And if they are not interested?" I asked.

"Then offer it unconditionally to the Universe, and allow it to deliver the message", he replied, "If they are meant to reach out to you in this Lifetime, or another, they will. If that happens, receive their message with unconditional love."

"In fact", he said, "make sure unconditional love becomes your way of being. Your world, starting with your upbringing and continuing with your career, has had too much judgement wired into it. It's time to move to unconditional love for others, and for yourself."

"How hard can that be?" I asked.

"I'll bet it will present some of the greatest challenges you have ever experienced", he said.

"But", he said smiling, "It will also present some of the greatest rewards you have ever experienced!"

"Your Life starts over. Today", he said, pointing to a picture of the Hero's Journey on his office wall. "If you could create what you did by accident and sheer will, imagine what you can create with the power of unconditional love."

"You know where you are on the Journey, don't you?" he asked gently.

I nodded but sat in silence, reflecting on his closing words.

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on - Everybody Hurts - REM

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to Michelle H. She took her Life a couple of days ago after failed attempts in the past. I won't include a link to her obituary. She wanted it to look like an accident. Her obituary says, "passed away suddenly". 

There is still a stigma about admitting to people that we lost someone close to us by their own choice. Obituary writers leave it up to the reader to figure out if "passed away suddenly" was something along the lines of a heart attack, stroke or something else. 

Do we honor those we have lost? What about their struggle? When do we do this?

What do you think?

May those close to Michelle find peace in the memory of her Life - a peace that so sadly eluded her.

---

Thoughts on Asking for Help

I was raised to solve my own shit. Men from generations prior to mine believed that this was the mark of a true man. If you suffered, you had to suffer in silence, no matter how intense the difficulty. Perhaps that worked in the past in a "slower" world, although I doubt it. I wonder if people just hid it better.

Looking back on my Life, there were a number of times where asking for help would have allowed me to release powerful negative energy I was accumulating. This would have prevented a harmful blend of toxic thoughts and feelings from proliferating in my 50+ year old mind. 

And after 50+ years of creating significant results, I forgot that I was a human being with limits.

Limits - a word that never crossed my mind until I revealed to myself and others that I was a mere mortal after all.

Many were surprised or shocked. 

Many were saddened and reached out to offer help.

Some were delighted and expressed their happiness cruelly or callously.

But do you know what?

After years of people thinking I was a machine, it feels damn good to be considered a human being.

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book, The Body Keeps Score: The Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, he outlines how energy from trauma and normal Life events accumulates until it reaches a breaking point.

The nature of the breaking point and how it manifests in someone depends on a combination of things, including the upbringing of the individual, the culture they grew up in, the resilience of the individual themselves, the nature of the energy accumulated, the triggering event and other factors.

It also depends on whether they are open to asking for help, receiving it when offered and acting appropriately on it once received.

Do you need help right now?

Are you open to receiving help?

If the answer is yes, don't follow my model of ignoring the signals or the need for help until it's too late.

Waiting as long as I did might produce a result that people close to you will try to understand for the rest of their lives, because you wouldn't be there for them to ask.

If the answer is no, then ask yourself the questions again to be sure of your answer.

I think you're worthy of a great finish.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

Thoughts on Unconditional Love

I have struggled with the concept of unconditional love for a long time. A lot of my work over the years has been in areas where it is easy to condemn people who seek to hurt others.

On top of that, some people who lectured me on the importance of unconditional love were quick to pass judgement on others. Some of them judged me when I almost took my Life. Some even applauded my decision. I don't know if they are disappointed in my survival. Living by example may not be their strong suit.

When asked about unconditional love, I often cited a dark example to counter the idea. In one variation of my response, someone important to you has been seized in an alley and the perpetrator threatens to cut their throat unless you acquiesce to their demands. I have always asked people, "Can you love your way out of that situation?"

In my ignorance, I inadvertently commingled two things. 

First, we are designed in fight or flight situations to do what it takes to survive and to help others survive. In this scenario, there is never a place for unconditional love as our primal wiring kicks in to protect lives. Love is not part of the programming of a fight or flight response.

But secondly, once the fight or flight moment has passed, there is room - dare I say a requirement - to understand the early Life history, cultural impact and other forces that led the perpetrator to commit the act.

This is where unconditional love plays an important role.

I missed the second step, using my example to preclude the perpetrator from receiving unconditional love after "the main event" had passed.

My example was partially right.

But mostly wrong.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone you hate or judge hastily. Dr. Covey described this process in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Specifically, I am referring to Habit 5 - Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Imagine absorbing their childhood.

Imagine living the culture that they grew up in.

Consider the things that they were told and how it was delivered to them.

Examine the things that happened to them.

Now ask yourself if you would have turned out any differently than they did.

And then ask yourself if there is anything about yourself that you wished was different about you.

Are you comfortable with unconditional love?

Do you need it?

If you need it, is it fair to ask that you give it to others also?

Why or why not?

Thoughts on the Hero's Journey

The Hero's Journey is a narrative that attempts to describe the journey of the "average Hero". We are all heroes in some way in this world and I posit that it is an encapsulation of your journey and the journey of everyone around you. More about the Hero's Journey can be found here on Wikipedia.

Here is an image similar to the one used by my therapist, illustrating a "typical" Hero's Journey.

I am somewhere between transformation and atonement.

Can you find your place on this journey?

What does this tell you about what you have learned and overcome in your Life?

What does this tell you about what you need to learn or do next?

What does this tell you about who you need to do it with?

As you reflect upon these things, consider coming up with answers through the lens of the following questions:

1. Where do I go?
2. What do I do?
3. What do I say?
4. And to whom?

What do you think should happen next?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 8.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

Song Choice

The powerful ballad, Everybody Hurts, by REM, was written as a song about suicide. The writer, Bill Berry, hoped to create a song that was "reachable" by everyone, especially teenagers.

In a later interview, singer Michael Stipe said this about how it felt to release a song that potentially saved lives. 

"It saved a few. People have told me. And I love hearing that. That's for me, that's my Oscar, that's my gold on a shelf right there... that something we did impacted someone's life in such a profound way. That's a beautiful thing."

 Without further adieu, Everybody Hurts, by REM.

Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?

“There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." - John F. Kennedy

"Action expresses priorities." - Mahatma Gandhi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide, domestic violence and nuclear war. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 7 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

I'm sitting in my therapist's office. The room is silent except for the ticking of the clock on the wall.

"Something is on your mind", he said studying me carefully, "I'm ready when you are."

"Two things are on my mind", I replied, "The first is an old story about belling the cat."

"I'm not familiar with that story", he said, "But I would love to hear it."

"It goes like this", I began. 

"A group of mice were arguing in a mouse hole one day about a cat that had been terrorizing them. With every passing day, the cat would sneak up on one of them without warning and would make off with the unsuspecting victim. The mice were now tired of this and were arguing about what to do about the villain."

"Many ideas were discussed, hotly debated and discarded. Finally, one mouse suggested that if they put a bell on the cat’s neck, then their nemeisis would no longer be able to creep up on them unawares."

"Recognizing the brilliance of the solution, the mice spent considerable time congratulating themselves on how they had solved the problem. When the cacaphony of their celebration subsided, their expressions of self-congratulations were interrupted by a lone voice in the back of the mouse hole."

"'The solution may be brilliant', observed a wise old mouse, 'but who will bell the cat?'"

"Silence filled the mouse hole and eventually the mice went about their business, realizing that there is a big difference between being full of ideas and having the courage to carry them out."

As I completed the story, I took a breath but said nothing.

"Wow", my therapist said, "That's a powerful story. Why is it on your mind?"

"I'm not sure", I replied, "But it may have something to do with this persistent dream I've been having for a couple of weeks."

"Please go on", he urged gently.

"Well", I began, "In my dream, someone ..."

I gestured air quotes around "someone" and paused,

"Someone", I repeated, "Keeps visiting me and insisting that I need to learn something from them, but I'm not sure what that something is."

"Is that all?" he asked.

"No", I replied, hesitating, "Before they tell me that I need to listen, they make a point of showing me some of the things that I have worked on over the years. When they have done that, they tell me that I need to pay attention to the lesson that follows. However, I never remember the lesson, and often I wake up with a start as the dream concludes."

I have done all that I could

To see the evil and the good without hiding

You must help me if you can - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Can you tell me about some of the things that they highlight?" he asked.

"I guess", I replied, "It's a mixed bag of stuff. There was a project where I was helping a client determine the mortality rate of low yield nuclear weapons for major cities in North America. It's pretty complicated when you have family that becomes a statistic in the model that you are working on."

"Excuse me?" he interrupted, "You were doing what?"

I ignored the question and continued. 

"Then there were other projects where we helped clients prevent bad events from happening in North America and Europe. I can't really discuss this in detail, but one of my client's favorite tools to motivate us was to send us gruesome pictures of what could happen if we were not successful in a timely fashion."

My therapist stared at me but remained silent.

"How many photos of dead and mutilated bodies have you looked at recently?" I asked nonchalantly. 

He shook his head.

"Then there are the projects that I've been involved in around domestic violence", I said, "Helping victims of emotional, physical and financial abuse get out from underneath the people who hurt them."

"I don't want to get into the details of that either", I said, after a brief pause, "But between my team and I, we have helped hundreds of people just with the domestic violence stuff. I have no idea how many thousands of people we have helped with the other projects I mentioned."

I paused before adding, "Mostly women when it comes to domestic violence."

"I see", my therapist said, clearing his throat, "That's quite a list to be carrying in your head. Did your client, as you refer to them, provide emotional support as you performed these tasks?"

"For the things I did that involved them", I replied, "They did, but I think it was more to keep us balanced enough to keep providing solutions to them. I'm not sure that they cared enough about us as human beings."

I paused as I reflected on the help that I had received.

"And", I offered, "I think they used their emotional support to gauge whether or not we were lucid enough to not offer services to someone counter to their interests. That's a guess, though."

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what is wrong

Was I unwise to leave them open for so long - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne 

"I can't really get into details", I said, "Sorry. There's a lot more than that but that gives you a sense of what I am carrying around in my head. Maybe it's no wonder I decided to take my own Life. I've spent too much time in the heads of evil people without having someone to share it with so I could release the negative energy I've accumulated."

"I understand", he replied, gently, "Where do you want to go with this?"

"Well", I said, "I look at what's happening all around the world and in our backyard. Nobody seems to care about anything except the color of their next iPhone or what the next vacation they can't afford looks like."

I hesitated.

"A lot of people spending money they don't have on things they don't need", I said, "The banking system is close to ruin, governments have long since lost control of the bus they told us was being driven so skillfully, and the world is close to melting in a number of ways, including a nuclear disaster."

"On top of that", I added, "People in our own society are crushed as debt, violence and drugs overtake their world, while governments attempt to placate public opinion by telling them that these are the best of times. It's becoming more and more the best of times for a select few. While some government agencies promote these days as amazing, people within the same governments plan for the disaster they know will come when the rubber band that is society is stretched too far. How is that for hypocritical?"

"Do you really think that nuclear disaster is close at hand?" he asked, irritating me with the one thing he picked out, "After all, as long as the President is coherent, we will never launch first. I would like to think that the other side has similar controls in place."

I laughed at the idea of finding a coherent President who wasn't controlled by someone with ulterior motives. 

"You can't be serious", I asked, incredulously, "Do you not know that in all countries that have the bomb, there are hundreds of people in each country who have their equivalent of launch codes?"

"Really?" he asked, surprised, "Why would they take the risk?"

"Because", I said, "Redundancy is essential for assuring a military response if needed. But therein lies the complexity. Too many people can let things fly without authorization from the top."

'Cause I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"So", I suggested, carefully, "The opportunity for a rogue to start a war is more real than you think. Then you factor in aging systems that are not completely stable. And then, factor in the new missile system, the LGM-35A Sentinel that is being built on IT software that will be nowhere near as tested and secure from outside hackers as the old stuff was. See where I'm going with all of this?"

Neither of us said a word, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Can we bring the conversation back to your dreams?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Sure", I replied.

"Why do you think that you keep dreaming about this stuff over and over?" he asked, "And why do you remember all of that, but when you get to the lesson that you're supposed to take away from your dream, you don't remember that? That, I would think, is the most important part of the dream?"

"If I knew the reason", I replied, a little tartly, "I wouldn't need to talk to you about it."

He ignored my rude remark, but I felt obligated to offer an apology for my sharp answer.

"It's ok", he said, "I see that it's bothering you. There are no judgements in this room." 

People go just where they will

I never noticed them until I got this feeling

That it's later than it seems - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think what's bothering me", I said, "Is that nobody cares anymore. People like my colleagues and I put our own physical and mental well-being on the line for people on a daily basis, and for what?"

"Well", I added, correcting my generalization, "It's not that nobody cares. It's that not enough people care. We don't have a critical mass to change the course of society to one that honors the sense of urgency around taking care of each other. It makes me feel like I wasted my time and career saving people."

He waited for me to continue.

"Did I absorb a lot of punishment for nothing?" I asked, shaking my head, "Did a blend of my younger self, constantly seeking affirmation, and my adult self with a generous heart, lead me down this path for nothing?"

I paused.

"Did I choose to take my own Life partially out of seeing the futility of a Life of service for nothing?" I asked, my eyes misting.

"Are the women you helped better off because of your help?" he asked. 

"Most of them", I replied, "I lost a few who, for a variety of reasons, fell back into the clutches of their batterers and manipulators. Being hurt feels more comfortable for those women and causes them to trust what they knew - even violence - over someone who would help them.  For these women, kindness evokes a sense of suspicion. And some batterers are brilliant in their techniques of isolating the victim and pulling them back for more abuse. I guess I'm preaching to the choir on that. Sorry."

"Still", he said, "The majority have benefited significantly."

I half nodded, half shrugged, in silence.

"And for the times you helped thwart violence against common citizens", he added, "Don't you think they're grateful?"

"No", I replied, "They will never be grateful. They will never know the physical and emotional sacrifice made by so many people in secret so that they can continue to live their Life of happiness or ignorance. There are few public heroes in our space."

"Ignorance is bliss", he said.

"If ignorance is bliss", I responded, "Why aren't more people happy?"

My sharp response temporarily silenced both of us.

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what you see

I hear their cries

Just say if it's too late for me - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think the second part of your dream reveals the important answer you seek", he offered, "What we need to do is to teach you a technique that will help you remember that part of your dream. Are you willing to try something?"

"Sure", I replied, "It beats waking up every morning at 3:30 just as the big reveal is supposed to happen."

"Good", he said, reaching for a book and handing it to me.

"Lucid dreaming?" I asked.

"Yes", he replied, "I think this will help you uncover what you are suppose to receive from the people in your dream."

"And what do I do in the meantime?" I asked.

"You carried it this long", he replied, "A little longer will be ok. Patience is the key."

Patience. My nemesis. Well, one of them.

Doctor, my eyes

They cannot see the sky

Is this the prize

For having learned how not to cry - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Try the technique outlined in this book for a week and we'll see if we can figure out what someone is trying to tell you", he said.

To be continued - hopefully with the answer.

With love,

Harry

---

Addendum - April 22, 2024

Some people sensed anger in this post. There wasn't anger. There was fear. I fear that by the time people wake up to see how the world is evolving, it will be too late. When that happens, the people who cared the least will likely be the ones who complain the most that they didn't see it coming and that no one warned them. 

It reminds me of when I ring my bicycle bell as I overtake walkers from behind. No matter how many times I ring it and yell "Passing on your left", some jump with startlement and yell profanities as I pass them. They couldn't hear me with their headphones on but, from their perspective, startling them was entirely my fault. 

Saving the world is a shared responsibility, not one that belongs to a select few.

Blame for its demise is also a shared responsibility.

I fear for the future of my family, friends and colleagues.

I fear for the future of yours also.

Fear can either paralyze or motivate.

I think we need more people to be motivated to make the world a better place.

I think that includes people like you.

What do you think?

Addendum - May 1, 2024

After a couple of weeks of practicing the lucid dreaming technique, I was finally able to obtain the message that I've been trying to receive from my dreams for quite a while. 

It is unlikely one that will be shared in a public forum. 

But then again, one never knows! 🙂

The technique is highly recommended for those who are unfamiliar with it.

Thoughts on Nuclear War

My former father-in-law, USAF Colonel Robert M. Johnston, now passed away, served in the USAF and the Strategic Air Command. I remember many a night where we would have discussions over the number of times a nuclear war was almost launched by accident. He always believed that we were alive by accident.

For more information on nuclear wars that almost started by accident, I refer you to the following articles:

• NY Times - Nuclear War: The Rising Risk, and How We Stop It
• Air and Space Forces Magazine - The Near Nuclear War of 1983
• Slate - 1983: The World Came Much Closer to Nuclear War Than We Realized
• Wikipedia - Nuclear Close Calls

For a tongue-in-check analysis of our nuclear war arsenal, I refer you to this dated but still relevant John Oliver piece.

Daniel Ellsberg, one of the architects of nuclear detente in the 1960s based on the horror of mutually assured destruction, wrote a powerfully disturbing book in 2018. The book,  The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner, describes how we have lost control over who launches the missiles in America. It also tells the chilling story of how modern military advisors tell US presidents that a limited strike-first nuclear war is winnable, with minium casualties. All sides believe this is possible now. So one of the things that kept us alive, that no one would strike first, is off the table. Secondly, the belief that a nuclear war can be engaged and won with minimal deaths, means that it is now something that can be casually considered. 

Van Wishard, an advisor to multiple US presidents and a mentor of mine, used to tell me often that I needed to stop worrying about where the world was going in regards to nuclear war since the outcome was unavoidable and could not be stopped. Instead, he often told me that it was better to invest in helping people rise from the ashes of the inevitable. Of all the things he told me over the years, it was the only thing that I didn't receive well from him. I thought it was defeatist instead of being proactive (sorry, Van) and helping people rise from the ashes of an unsurvivable event seemed to be a contradiction to me. Maybe Van knew something that I either didn't know, or didn't want to believe.

I wonder how many US presidents have received the same type of defeatist guidance? This would have a profound impact on their decisions in times of global difficulty.

For those who like a deeper analysis of new missile systems, here is a quoted summary of the cons of deploying the LGM-35A Sentinel. Skip it if you don't like gory details or realities.

GBSD critics include former Secretary of Defense William Perry; the late Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers whistleblower and author of The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner; the Friends Committee on National Legislation (FCNL); the Union of Concerned Scientists (UCS); the Federation of American Scientists (FAS); and Peace Action. They argue that the new missiles would be not only costly, but also dangerous, increasing the risk of accidentally launching a nuclear war. Critics say that the targeting of ICBM silos, which are supposed to act like a sponge drawing nuclear weapons to deplete Russia's nuclear power, could result in the deaths of more than 10 million people. Ellsberg and author Norman Solomon argue that peace groups must oppose not only the GBSD but also the entire land-based leg of the nuclear triad to reduce the threat of an accidental nuclear war.

Physicist David Wright, former co-director of the UCS Global Security Program, in his report Rethinking Land-Based Nuclear Missiles, writes that submarine-launched ballistic missiles (SLBMs) are as accurate, if not more, than land-based missiles, and are "virtually undetectable," making the ICBMs not only obsolete but also sitting ducks in the five states that house ICBMs. Wright concludes that the vulnerability of ICBMs has prompted the Air Force to keep them on high alert, which is dangerous and could trigger a nuclear war. According to William Hartung, author of Prophets of War: Lockheed Martin and the Making of the Military-Industrial Complex, a president would have only minutes to decide whether to launch ICBMs in a crisis so that the missiles would not be destroyed in a first strike. Source.

Remember: The people who make these decisions are safe (albeit temporarily) if things "go wrong". You and your family are not.

How would you feel if you repeatedly saw the briefs for years that described in gruesome detail how your family is likely to die?  "Bleeding from every orifice in your body" is the one quote that I've never been able to forget.

How would you feel if you read the summaries that inform you that your family is better dying instantly than being left to survive the aftermath?

Would you be able to take care of your family knowing that in our just-in-time supply delivery system, every major city would be reduced to anarchy in 48-72 hours, with limited fuel and food and no electricity, natural gas or running water? 

Do you think you could absorb this information for years without doubting your sanity?

If you're not bothered at all by these questions, you are maybe one of the people that my colleagues question are worth saving. How does that make you feel? 

Governments don't share the truth either. It doesn't promote minion productivity if you know realities.

If you are bothered, what do you need to do?

Who do you need to speak to?

When?

How about now?

Thoughts on Domestic Violence

Domestic violence continues to grow throughout North America. People think of bruises, broken bones and the like.

Modern domestic violence is more insidious because much of it is invisible. Emotional and financial abuse is rampant in society, and yet the courts are reluctant to do much if anything about offering more protection to victims.

There are a lot of talking heads with "amazing" analysis, with their egos screaming about their expertise about nothing of value except their own self-promotion on the subject.

There are a few people who actually know what they are talking about and they need to receive the same, if not more attention than people paid tens of millions of dollars to play a sport.

Maybe people in the judicial system haven't been personally affected by domestic violence and so they don't have the same motivation to fix the system.

Maybe some of them have secrets.

I know government ministers who have committed egregious sins against colleagues. I have tangled with some of them in the past. They lost. 

I know people who are abusing victims while the miscreant is in jail. It's easier than you think to accomplish this.

If someone close to you were a victim of domestic violence, you would do whatever was in your power to protect them.

Maybe someone close to you is a victim and you don't know it.

And if you're someone who commits violence, justice will eventually find you. If you knew the surveillance programs being developed to identify you, you would realize this.

But that would be the stuff of Big Brother conspiracy, wouldn't it? 

Do you believe that violence against women is ok?

Of course you don't.

So rather than shake your head about it, why don't you help myself and others bell the cat in the system?

Victims are waiting ... desperately.

What are you waiting for?

Lessons on Mental Health

Many times in my Life, my younger self needed to be affirmed as a hero, saving others. My adult self needed to never leave someone in distress. This often created great complexity for me. Too many times I cared more about people's safety and well-being than they did, and I often spent many multiples of effort more than they did to save themselves. I absorbed a lot of stress doing this and sometimes, when feeling great pressure from the imbalance, withstood extra punishment and accusations of "abandonment" when I tried to free myself from the harmful, out-of-balance relationships.

If you ever find yourself caring more about someone's health than they do, I urge caution. If you absorb the level of pressure that I did, for as many times as I did, you may end up creating health issues for yourself. Many times the people you are trying to help will not be aware of the stress you are under, or won't care about it. Either way, make sure you protect yourself before taking on this complexity.

I didn't pay attention to it and it added significant stress to my Life.

Sometimes kindness kills the healer.

Don't let this happen to you. 

At what point does lifting others take priority over your own health?

Is it healthy to be a martyr some of the time? 

How about all of the time?

How about none of the time?

Who determines the difference between a saint and a martyr?

How do you know?

Thoughts on the Energy in this Post

Some people reading this post may sense an undertone of anger. One of the things that I have let go in my therapy is judgement and anger requires judgement.

However, for a species that is allegedly at the apex of its evolution, we are at risk of descending to the absolute bottom of our evolutionary potential. Meanwhile, people suffer unnecessarily, incessantly and unfairly.

So what you may interpret as a sense of anger is actually a sense of extreme urgency for people to step up and collaborate to pull us from the brink in all the areas where we are failing. We must also do a much better job of holding public officials accountable for our safety on a global scale.

I think you, your family, your friends and everyone important to you and to the world are worth it.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 7.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The great Jackson Browne with Doctor My Eye.