“Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be." - Jocko Willink
"Everybody's life has these moments, where one thing leads to another. Some are big and obvious and some are small and seemingly insignificant." - Peter Jackson
"There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Warning:
This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers.
Part 8 of my personal mental health journey continues ....
When your day is longAnd the night, the night is yours aloneWhen you're sure you've had enoughOf this life, well hang onDon't let yourself go'Cause everybody cries - Everybody Hurts - REM
I'm sitting in my therapist's office listening to my voice emanating from the recording of my hypnotherapy session. Under hypnosis I am reliving the day I nearly took my Life.
If you have ever heard a recording of your voice from a hypnotherapy session, you know how strange it feels. It's your voice and yet, there is a strange disconnect as you hear yourself describing things that are fuzzy in your memory. Or forgotten altogether.
"What do you think of your thoughts leading up to the moment you almost took your Life?" my therapist asked.
"None of them were significant", I said quietly as I looked at my notes.
"In fact", I added, "In retrospect, they seem to be pretty trite things to give up a Life over."
"That's because you are looking at them individually", he replied, "instead of looking at the totality of them. Let's explore this."
He walked over to his office whiteboard and began to list things leading up to my event.
"I know you like space launches and such", he said as he consulted his notes. "Let's write your key thoughts and events down in the form of a countdown."
On the upper left side of the whiteboard, he wrote, "Fueling - Launch Week Minus 1" and underlined it. Underneath that, he wrote "In no particular order".
He continued writing on the whiteboard.
- "A couple of very important personal relationships explode without warning and the blowback affects others. There are escalations that stretch my brain, and I am wounded by the unexpected outcomes. One in particular alerts me that my family might be in danger." (Reader note: The feeling of danger was perceived to be a legitimate reaction at the moment. Working through things with my therapist has given me a better understanding of the incident. Now I feel empathy for the individuals and have expressed a desire for forgiveness to them for the events that led up to the incident.)
- "My meeting about completing a company acquisition that should have taken three months to complete but took eight years instead, is frustrating. I am carrying the entire company, which is draining me in many ways. I don't know how much longer I can do this."
- "My weekly meeting with the client includes reviewing pictures of human remains. They think it's motivational. I've been doing it for some years and wonder why I'm not reacting to them like I used to. I threw up the first time I saw them years ago. Now I look at them with indifference. Most times."
- "My mobile bill shows that I send and receive 45,000 SMS per month. I have started to keep my phone muted because the chime of an arriving message on my phone, or someone else's, makes me feel anxious instantly."
- "Lab work indicates that my white blood cell count is of concern. I'm a stage 4 cancer survivor. I can't go through this again."
"My memory has been off for the last few weeks. Should I tell my doctor?"
He pauses and looks at me.
"That's a typical week for me", I protested as I scanned the list.
Sometimes everything is wrongNow it's time to sing alongWhen your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)If you feel like letting go (hold on)If you think you've had too muchOf this life, well hang on - Everybody Hurts - REM
"I highly doubt that", he replied, "You have a very strong, perhaps crippling, habit of dismissing things as insignificant because you are a natural problem solver. Let's continue."
He drew a vertical line to the right of the list he had written, dividing the board into two columns.
He writes "Launch Day" at the top of the right column, underlines it and begins to write a new list.
"Here we go", he said, "The final countdown begins."
8 - "Despite my request to colleagues to never read emails first thing in the morning, I do my own quick scan before leaving the house. The emails are ugly and terrifying. It's just another day for me and I've gotten used to it."
7 - "That was a close call as the guy ran a red light on my walk to Starbucks. He should be paying attention. It's a crosswalk used by many kids on their way to school in the area."
6 - "I signal a family member (in the medical profession) that I am not feeling well but I can't put my finger on what the issue is. I tell her that I am feeling pain but I don't mean it in the usual definition of pain. Her reply is cold, and I feel hurt, confused by how I am feeling and her response to me. I guess I was hoping for something more supportive."
5 - "Why aren't the customers at Starbucks grateful for the privilege of their $7 lattes? Did my colleagues and I burn ourselves out working on public safety just for this?"
4 - "The walk signal is not working as it should - three traffic signal changes in a row without a walk signal and it's freezing outside."
3 - "I scan my phone for important SMS and emails from work as I am walking. There is an attachment that I look at. It is horrific."
2 - "I don't know where I'm walking to. Where the hell am I ?"
1 - "Panic"
Don't throw your hand, oh noDon't throw your handIf you feel like you're aloneNo, no, no, you are not alone - Everybody Hurts - REM
0 - "Launch: Step in front of the bus."
He stood in silence as I reflected on his list.
"Now", he said, "What was the one thing that everyone you worked with found amazing about you?"
"I don't know", I replied.
"Of course you do", he replied. "Everyone tells you that you are like a machine. No matter how many projects you get involved in and no matter how much pressure you are under, you always deliver. No matter how many horrific, graphic images you see, you always deliver solutions to your client as you coach everyone else to look away from the horror. No matter how many outsiders ask for your help, you always say yes to their requests."
He paused.
"Everyone has believed for years that nothing bothers you", he said quietly. "They considered you to be a machine and the way you delivered consistently confirmed their idea of you. Maybe it convinced you of that as well! So why wouldn't they continue to throw more and more things over the wall to you in ever-increasing frequency and intensity?"
"Plus ...", he said hesitatingly, "you never asked for help. Ever. Until you signaled to your family member that you were in trouble, nobody knew at all. Your indication that you weren't feeling well was the only time in your Life that you have ever admitted that you couldn't handle your present situation. The cold reply to the one and only time you have ever asked for help caused you to feel cutoff."
"And ...", he said gently, "it triggered your wounded inner child, reaffirming its old beliefs that you were never worthy - even in your most desperate of moments."
"When the relationships died the prior week", he continued, "They also triggered your inner child's defenses. Your inner child was not only rejected, something it feared constantly, but it was prevented from helping those people moving forward. Helping people was an important way that your inner child received affirmation that it was worthy and it felt that that affirmation had been taken away."
He paused for a moment.
"When you have accumulated an almost unlimited number of significant, traumatic events that would devastate most people", he said quietly, "and an inner voice in the form of your younger self believes you are not worthy of being saved, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge."
"I know you study plane crashes. Many of them originate from events that in themselves are often insignificant. It's the perfect sequence of events with impeccable timing that produces the negative outcome."
"After years of dodging things", he added, "you finally hit the potentially fatal sequence. Fortunately for you, there was enough of your mind left to pull you back from the brink. Not everyone is that lucky."
If you're on your own in this lifeThe days and nights are longWhen you think you've had too muchOf this life to hang onWell, everybody hurts sometimesEverybody criesEverybody hurts, sometimes - Everybody Hurts - REM
I sat in silence, pondering what had been presented to me.
"So now what?" I asked.
"Well", he began, "your recovery has already begun. The amount of time on your mobile device has been significantly reduced. You have greatly reduced your time spent on work matters. Your consumption of material that is traumatic to your brain has been reduced to zero."
"Our work on nurturing your younger self has been happening in earnest", he continued, "and it feels less triggered and far less consumed by the need for external affirmation."
"And ....", he said, quietly, "you are not afraid to ask for help or to say no more frequently to requests that don't serve you."
"Is that it?" I asked.
"No", he replied, "Now comes the most important part, and for some, most difficult. You must offer forgiveness to everyone you believe contributed to the moment you almost took your Life. And in turn, you should ask for their forgiveness in case you hurt them, either real or perceived."
"And if they are not interested?" I asked.
"Then offer it unconditionally to the Universe, and allow it to deliver the message", he replied, "If they are meant to reach out to you in this Lifetime, or another, they will. If that happens, receive their message with unconditional love."
"In fact", he said, "make sure unconditional love becomes your way of being. Your world, starting with your upbringing and continuing with your career, has had too much judgement wired into it. It's time to move to unconditional love for others, and for yourself."
"How hard can that be?" I asked.
"I'll bet it will present some of the greatest challenges you have ever experienced", he said.
"But", he said smiling, "It will also present some of the greatest rewards you have ever experienced!"
"Your Life starts over. Today", he said, pointing to a picture of the Hero's Journey on his office wall. "If you could create what you did by accident and sheer will, imagine what you can create with the power of unconditional love."
"You know where you are on the Journey, don't you?" he asked gently.
I nodded but sat in silence, reflecting on his closing words.
And everybody hurts sometimesSo hold on, hold onHold on, hold on, hold onHold on, hold on, hold on - Everybody Hurts - REM
To be continued.
With love,
Harry
This post is dedicated to Michelle H. She took her Life a couple of days ago after failed attempts in the past. I won't include a link to her obituary. She wanted it to look like an accident. Her obituary says, "passed away suddenly".
There is still a stigma about admitting to people that we lost someone close to us by their own choice. Obituary writers leave it up to the reader to figure out if "passed away suddenly" was something along the lines of a heart attack, stroke or something else.
Do we honor those we have lost? What about their struggle? When do we do this?
What do you think?
May those close to Michelle find peace in the memory of her Life - a peace that so sadly eluded her.
Thoughts on Asking for Help
I was raised to solve my own shit. Men from generations prior to mine believed that this was the mark of a true man. If you suffered, you had to suffer in silence, no matter how intense the difficulty. Perhaps that worked in the past in a "slower" world, although I doubt it. I wonder if people just hid it better.
Looking back on my Life, there were a number of times where asking for help would have allowed me to release powerful negative energy I was accumulating. This would have prevented a harmful blend of toxic thoughts and feelings from proliferating in my 50+ year old mind.
And after 50+ years of creating significant results, I forgot that I was a human being with limits.
Limits - a word that never crossed my mind until I revealed to myself and others that I was a mere mortal after all.
Many were surprised or shocked.
Many were saddened and reached out to offer help.
Some were delighted and expressed their happiness cruelly or callously.
But do you know what?
After years of people thinking I was a machine, it feels damn good to be considered a human being.
In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book, The Body Keeps Score: The Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, he outlines how energy from trauma and normal Life events accumulates until it reaches a breaking point.
The nature of the breaking point and how it manifests in someone depends on a combination of things, including the upbringing of the individual, the culture they grew up in, the resilience of the individual themselves, the nature of the energy accumulated, the triggering event and other factors.
It also depends on whether they are open to asking for help, receiving it when offered and acting appropriately on it once received.
Do you need help right now?
Are you open to receiving help?
If the answer is yes, don't follow my model of ignoring the signals or the need for help until it's too late.
Waiting as long as I did might produce a result that people close to you will try to understand for the rest of their lives, because you wouldn't be there for them to ask.
If the answer is no, then ask yourself the questions again to be sure of your answer.
I think you're worthy of a great finish.
What do you think?
What are you waiting for?
Thoughts on Unconditional Love
I have struggled with the concept of unconditional love for a long time. A lot of my work over the years has been in areas where it is easy to condemn people who seek to hurt others.
On top of that, some people who lectured me on the importance of unconditional love were quick to pass judgement on others. Some of them judged me when I almost took my Life. Some even applauded my decision. I don't know if they are disappointed in my survival. Living by example may not be their strong suit.
When asked about unconditional love, I often cited a dark example to counter the idea. In one variation of my response, someone important to you has been seized in an alley and the perpetrator threatens to cut their throat unless you acquiesce to their demands. I have always asked people, "Can you love your way out of that situation?"
In my ignorance, I inadvertently commingled two things.
First, we are designed in fight or flight situations to do what it takes to survive and to help others survive. In this scenario, there is never a place for unconditional love as our primal wiring kicks in to protect lives. Love is not part of the programming of a fight or flight response.
But secondly, once the fight or flight moment has passed, there is room - dare I say a requirement - to understand the early Life history, cultural impact and other forces that led the perpetrator to commit the act.
This is where unconditional love plays an important role.
I missed the second step, using my example to preclude the perpetrator from receiving unconditional love after "the main event" had passed.
My example was partially right.
But mostly wrong.
Put yourself in the shoes of someone you hate or judge hastily. Dr. Covey described this process in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Specifically, I am referring to Habit 5 - Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
Imagine absorbing their childhood.
Imagine living the culture that they grew up in.
Consider the things that they were told and how it was delivered to them.
Examine the things that happened to them.
Now ask yourself if you would have turned out any differently than they did.
And then ask yourself if there is anything about yourself that you wished was different about you.
Are you comfortable with unconditional love?
Do you need it?
If you need it, is it fair to ask that you give it to others also?
Why or why not?
Thoughts on the Hero's Journey
The Hero's Journey is a narrative that attempts to describe the journey of the "average Hero". We are all heroes in some way in this world and I posit that it is an encapsulation of your journey and the journey of everyone around you. More about the Hero's Journey can be found here on Wikipedia.
Here is an image similar to the one used by my therapist, illustrating a "typical" Hero's Journey.
Can you find your place on this journey?
What does this tell you about what you have learned and overcome in your Life?
What does this tell you about what you need to learn or do next?
What does this tell you about who you need to do it with?
As you reflect upon these things, consider coming up with answers through the lens of the following questions:
- Where do I go?
- What do I do?
- What do I say?
- And to whom?
What do you think should happen next?
What are you waiting for?
This Series
This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.
This is part 8.
The entire series can be found here:
- The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
- Life: Choices and Possibilities
- Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
- Life: Forgiveness
- Life: Creating Space
- Life: A Question of Free Will
- Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
- Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
- Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
- Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...
Song Choice
The powerful ballad, Everybody Hurts, by REM, was written as a song about suicide. The writer, Bill Berry, hoped to create a song that was "reachable" by everyone, especially teenagers.
In a later interview, singer Michael Stipe said this about how it felt to release a song that potentially saved lives.
"It saved a few. People have told me. And I love hearing that. That's for me, that's my Oscar, that's my gold on a shelf right there... that something we did impacted someone's life in such a profound way. That's a beautiful thing."
Without further adieu, Everybody Hurts, by REM.
I'm proud of you!
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