Life: Choices and Possibilities

"To act or grow creatively, we must begin from where we are, but we cannot begin at all if we are not "all here" without reservation or regret. Lacking self-acceptance, we are always at odds with our point of departure, always doubting the ground on which we stand, always so divided against ourselves that we cannot act with sincerity." - Alan Watts

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

My personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

 

Love

Devotion

Feeling

Emotion - Return to Innocence - Enigma

I stood looking at the accident in front of me. People were running in all directions around the bus that was stopped in the middle of the road. Behind the bus, a tarp had been placed around who I assumed must be the victim.

The driver was sitting in the back of an ambulance, staring into the sky with tears in his eyes as EMS asked him questions.

Passengers mulled about, some on the phones, some just looking around.

"What happened?" a soft voice said next to me.

"I don't know", I replied without looking, "I think someone was hit by the bus but I'm not sure."

"You didn't see it happen?" the voice asked me gently.

"I'm not sure", I stammered, "It's confusing. I don't remember seeing it happen but I don't remember walking up to it either."

I looked upon the scene of confusion and sadness.

My eyes flitted over a number of things and then suddenly fell upon a very distinctive satchel lying on the ground.

"That's odd", I said quietly, recognizing the unique one-of-a-kind leather satchel, "That looks like my satchel on the street."

I started to walk towards it when the person next to me took me by the arm, gently but forcefully.

"Not yet", he said as we turned to face each other.

His gentle, pale blue eyes looked into mine and I felt that somehow, he was reading into my soul.

"We should talk first", he said, "Let's move away from the scene and let these people do their thing."

"But my satchel ....", I began to protest.

"Will be fine right where it is", the stranger said, "You don't need it."

Numbly, I let him escort me a slight distance from the accident scene.

"It's been a complex day for you", the stranger said.

"I guess so", I shrugged, puzzled that I didn't seem to remember anything at all until I was looking at the accident.

I frowned and the stranger smiled.

"Your memory returns to you after a while", he said, "It just takes a little while for the transition to complete."

"Transition?" I asked.

The stranger nodded and then gestured towards an ambulance behind the bus. As they loaded the body into the ambulance, a small gust of wind caught everyone by surprise and the cover on the body lifted ever so slightly.

I gasped.

It was me.

"You wanted it to look like an accident", the stranger said.

I felt weak, unable to think and barely able to stand.

"Does it matter to others if it was an accident or on purpose?" he asked gently, "Does it change the outcome?"

Suddenly, it seemed later in the day and we were standing outside by my front door. A priest and a policeman had knocked at the door and my son was just opening it.

"You don't need to see what happens next", he said and suddenly we were sitting in a beautiful garden.

My head spun with disorientation.

"How did I get here?" I stammered.

"It's ok", he said gently, "You will understand everything soon enough."

I shook my head, totally confused.

"Patience", he said, "You will."

"You have reached a point of reckoning", the stranger said, "Not everyone gets to avail of such a gift. Most people I visit are at the end of their journey."

I nodded, observing a young boy who was walking towards us.

As he approached the bench next to me, I gasped.

It was me at about the age of 4 or 5.

"I think he wants you to go over to speak to him", the man said.

"Why?" I asked, standing up without realizing why I felt compelled to do so.

"You will see", he replied, smiling.

I walked over to the younger me's bench and sat down.  He looked up at me, smiled but didn't say anything.

Don't be afraid to be weak

Don't be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

That will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence - Return to Innocence - Enigma

"My friend", I said, gesturing to the man on the bench, "said I needed to speak to you but I don't know why."

"Ok", young Harry replied, "I know who your friend is."

"How is your day?" I asked, awkwardly fumbling for an ice-breaker in the conversation.

"It's ok", he replied.

After a long pause, young Harry looked up at me quizzically.

"You were going to kill yourself, weren't you?" he asked, with a frown creasing his forehead.

"I thought about it", I replied, feeling the shame of the admission as it swept over me.

"That would have ruined everything I hoped for in my future", young Harry said, his voice carrying hurt and accusation in it.

"Well", I said, defensively, "You were a big part of the reason I thought about it. It's partially your fault."

Little Harry's eyebrows went up in surprise..

"Maybe it wasn't my fault", he said quietly.

We both paused and stared at the ground in silence.

A fog began moving in around us which I thought was odd. The temperature was comfortably warm and there was no visible water around us. Soon we were engulfed in it and my companion on the other bench faded from sight.

"Want to go for a walk?" he asked innocently as he turned towards me.

"Where?" I replied.

"This way", he said, standing and walking slowly on the gravel path in front of the bench,

I got up and followed him, noticing that the curious fog parted slightly in front of me, giving me about 20 feet of horizon to see in front of me.

"I think I know you", he said quietly, "But I'm not sure from when."

"That could be", I said quietly in return. Then I paused.

He said he knew me from "somewhen" and not "somewhere".

"When would you like to go first?" he asked, turning and looking at me with eyes that danced a mix of curiosity and mischievousness.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused, "When?"

"For instance", he said, "Do you remember this?"

The fog cleared and I was standing in my kindergarten classroom.  It was my first day of school and I was crying as my mother waved to me as she left the classroom.

"What is this?" I said, confused, "How are you doing this?"

"We're on a journey of healing", my younger self replied, "We hurt each other through the journey of our Life. Now we are going to go back over that journey to begin healing each other. The world, including your past, is not as fixed as you think it is. In fact, it changes as you change your perception about it."

"How is that possible?" I asked.

And if you want, then start to laugh

If you must, then start to cry

Be yourself don't hide

Just believe in destiny - Return to Innocence - Enigma

"You'll see", he said, "We will meet many times over the next little while to explore this."

He walked out of the classroom and I followed him. The strange fog enveloped us again as we walked for a few minutes. As it cleared, I found myself standing in front of my original companion.

He was smiling as the fog cleared completely. 

"Harry blames me for his problems", little Harry said to my companion.

"Blame is a difficult thing, often not productive and often distorted based on our perceptions at the moment", my companion replied.

I hung my head in shame.

Young Harry began walking away slowly and I sang out to him.  He turned, smiled and waved, before turning to continue walking away from me.

"You will speak to him often in your journey", my companion said, "He doesn't hold grudges. I suspect he needs to be heard as much as you do."

"What is going on here?" I asked.

"Answers will come", my companion said, "But for now, it is time to listen."

"Your Life", he continued, "Is a series of cycles. What brought you to this very moment has much to do with how you completed these cycles and what you intend to do with the cycles that you have remaining. As I said before, not many people get such a gift, a pause that allows them to reassess their Life to adjust for how they will finish it."

I sat down on the bench, listening attentively.

"Each cycle", the stranger went on, "While seeming to be merely the Life that you have lived, has defined start and end points.  Each cycle has specific lessons in it for your soul to learn and the cycle length is determined by how quickly you learn the lessons.  Longer cycles or cycles that seemed to have more difficulty in them merely had more complex lessons or contained lessons where you stubbornly didn't get it and so you were fed the lesson in many forms until you finally passed the test for the cycle."

I nodded. It made sense. Sort of. Well. Maybe not.

He paused for a moment and then spoke again.

"Each cycle also contains one key person who, through their actions, thrust you into the start of your next cycle. Unbeknownst to them, they are also within their own soul learning cycles and part of their role is to guide or throw you into the next cycle of your Life. This person may stay with you for years, for months and for some people, your cycles will overlap for a day, hours, minutes or even seconds."

He reflected for a moment before continuing.

"In return, you taught each of them a necessary lesson in their own learning journey.  For one or both of you, the exchange could have been beautiful or jarring. However, both of you should realize at that moment that the exchange between you was designed specifically for the benefit of each of you, regardless of whether or not you continued your journey together."

Don't care what people say

Just follow your own way

Don't give up and use the chance

To return to innocence - Return to Innocence - Enigma

He smiled.

"For some of them, your journey with them ended at that moment.  For some the journey together paused but will resume when the purpose of resumption is revealed.  For some, the relationships continue for the foreseeable future but neither of you can predict how far into the future that relationship will continue."

He paused and allowed me to absorb what he was telling me before continuing.

"Humans put too much stock into saying things are "forever" when the reality is that they have no idea how long things will last because your understanding of the purpose of the relationship and the Universe's knowledge of that purpose are often vastly different. Lack of knowledge in this area is responsible for creating a lot of unrealistic expectations when relationships begin and a lot of unnecessary acrimony when relationships end."

"For now", he said, "I would like you to reflect on the cycles in your Life and who you think is the key person in each cycle. I'm curious to see if you can see their purpose in your Life and your purpose in theirs."

"I'm especially curious", he said, with his eyes twinkling, "If you know who that person is in your current cycle transition." 

I frowned as I started to think through this.

He laughed quietly.

"Not yet", he said, "I and others will come to you in your dream time and your waking time to help you understand this."

"But .....", I began to protest.

Suddenly, I could hear what I thought was counting.

A voice was counting down.

Ten.

Nine.

"I think someone is calling you", he said, smiling.

"I want to stay here", I replied, "I need to learn more."

"You've learned enough for now. It is important now that you share what you've learned. Many more things will be revealed to you."

Five.

Four.

"By the way", the stranger said, leaning in and smiling, "My name is Gabriel."

Two.

"You will hear from me again", he said, his voice fading out.

That's not the beginning of the end

That's the return to yourself

The return to innocence - Return to Innocence - Enigma

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"You are back with me, Harry", a familiar voice said, "Can you hear me?"

I opened my eyes and saw my therapist's office.

"Relax", my therapist said, "That was quite the dream that you remembered."

"Dream?", I said, bewildered.

My phone sounded a chime, indicating that my lymphoma appointment was coming up in 24 hours.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

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This post is continued from my post The Wrong Way to Catch the Bus. 11 people had reached out to me by the time I wrote this to tell me that that post prevented them from taking their own Life. I am indebted to them for sharing their powerful journey with me.

This is part 2.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

This is the power that comes from sharing difficult things.

We live, love, lift and learn together.

And for fun, I'm sharing the song Return to Innocence by Enigma (their powerful lyrics are sprinkled throughout this post).