Life: Self-Reliance and Courage

"When a man no longer confuses himself with the definition of himself that others have given him, he is at once universal and unique. He is universal by virtue of the inseparability of his organism from the cosmos. He is unique in that he is just this organism and not any stereotype of role, class, or identity assumed for the convenience of social communication.

Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way." - Alan Watts

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 3 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

If I said what's on my mind

You'd turn and walk away

Disappearing way back in your dreams - A Man I'll Never Be - Boston

A difficult day had come to an end and I sighed heavily as I prepared for bed. My therapist had expressed happiness earlier in the day that we had had a productive session, although he had warned me that there might be residual thoughts that might come to mind. If they did, I was to write them in my journal for our next session.

I lay in bed for a while and stared at the ceiling as I tried to force myself to relax. Sometimes those relaxation exercises were much easier to do in the safety of a therapist's office than alone at night.

I finally drifted off to sleep.

Suddenly, I gasped as I found myself swimming in warm water in near-total darkness.

I panicked and turned in all directions until I could see lights on the shore about half a mile or so away.

"Do you remember where you are?" a now familiar voice asked me to my left.

I tread water slowly as I looked to my left.

Gabriel was treading water close by, effortless in his ability to stay afloat.

I nodded.

"Back in 1994, I was caught in a riptide off the coast of the Jersey shore", I said, trying not swallow salt water as small ocean swells passed under me.

"I've heard the story a few times", Gabriel said, smiling.

"My Boss was really impressed with how calm you were that night", he added.

"Well", I replied, "It was that or drown I suppose. As for being calm, maybe I faked it really well."

"Although", I noted, "If I had drowned then, I wouldn't have tried to take my Life years later."

"We're not going to debate that right now", Gabriel replied sternly but gently.

He paused before continuing.

"There was the matter of a few hazards in the water at the time, if I recall correctly", he observed.

A power boat blew by at a distance of about 20 to 30 feet away. They couldn't see us in the darkness as their wake washed over us.

"Ah yes", Gabriel said, "There were the powerboats that couldn't see you and ... what was the other thing that crossed your mind that night?"

"Sharks", I replied, shuddering at the memory.

"Ah yes", Gabriel contemplated, "Sharks. Life is always filled with obstacles to overcome."

He paused.

"As I recall, you had a conversation with my Boss all the way back to shore", he continued.

I remembered the night clearly. I had to swim parallel to the shore for quite a distance before I felt the riptide release its grip on me so that I could safely return to shore.

"Well", Gabriel said, interrupting my thoughts, "The ending for this adventure in the water is the most important part of this memory. We can skip reliving your long swim to shore."

Suddenly we were standing on the boardwalk and my then wife was asking where I had been.

I explained that I had been pulled out to sea by the riptide and it had taken quite an effort for me to find a safe way back to shore.

"Well, that's fine", she said, "Now hurry and get dressed. We need to pick up Harry Jr. in an hour, and we can't keep the babysitter waiting."

She turned and walked down the boardwalk.

It's so hard to be unkind

So easy just to say

That everything is just the way it seems - A Man I'll Never Be - Boston

Gabriel was silent for a moment before turning towards me.

"That wasn't quite the response you had hoped for was it?" he asked gently.

"No", I replied.

"Why didn't you say something in response?" he asked.

"It wasn't worth the argument that would have followed", I replied.

"That's fair", Gabriel replied, "On an upnote, I thought you demonstrated some strong self-reliance and courage in escaping the riptide. Most people would not have survived the riptide and would likely have never been found again."

He paused and pursed his lips.

"However", he continued, "When it came to a little self-reliance during the exchange with your wife, you didn't stand up for yourself. Why didn't you?"

I shrugged but didn't reply.

"Self reliance and courage", Gabriel observed, "Are like any muscle in the body. They get stronger the more they are used. And sometimes, they are discovered from within us when Life thrusts things upon us that we think we can't survive. If we knew that that moment was created for the benefit of our souls's development, we might respond a little differently."

"That being said", he continued, "You had the courage to call for help when you were deciding whether or not you wanted to live. Most men don't ask for help. You should feel proud for standing up for yourself and your Life when it counted."

His eyes lit up.

"Remember when you were younger and you used to have dreams of being the front man in a rock band?", he asked with a smile.

"Who didn't at some point?" I replied.

"That's the spirit", Gabriel exclaimed as he put his arm around my shoulders.

And suddenly, we were backstage at what appeared to be a rock concert.

"Hmmm", said Gabriel, "I think this is a Boston concert!"

He looked out from behind the curtain.

"Brad Delp has stepped away it seems", Gabriel mused, "This might be a great opportunity to make your dream come true."

If only I could find a way

I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am

It's getting harder every day for me

To hide behind this dream you see

A man I'll never be - A Man I'll Never Be - Boston

"There is no way I'm going on that stage", I protested vehemently.

"Oh yes, you are", Gabriel replied, "I believe your sense of self-reliance and courage is stronger than your fear to go out there."

"And besides", he said, "There is only one song left in the set."

He grabbed me by the arm and escorted me to the piano, practically forcing me to plop down on the piano bench.

"Break a leg", he said as he winked playfully.

I looked at the sheet music.

"The title of the song is Self-Reliance and Courage?" I asked myself as I stared at the page.

I blinked and looked at the sheet music again.

"A Man I'll Never Be" was written clearly across the top.

"It's ok", Gabriel said, "This is an audience of people who care. The first step to healing is the courage required to put your hand up and tell people you need help."

He gave me a wave as he walked off the stage.

"We're waiting for you", he said over his shoulder as he disappeared behind the curtain.

I paused ... petrified.

Then I played to the best of my ability. We are always better in our dreams after all.

The crowd roared when we finished the song, and the band waved as they ran off the stage.

I sat there, awash in gratitude as I felt the adulation from the crowd.

Gabriel came out on stage and gave me a big hug.

"Self-reliance and courage are powerful forces", he said, smiling, "You were AMAZING!"

I was too numb to reply.

Suddenly we were back in my bedroom.

"Courage and self-reliance", Gabriel said, "Are things that most of us have in ample quantity but many times we summon it only when we're forced to. At other times, we don't believe we have enough and we hide in fear."

He paused.

"And sometimes we need to see it in someone else before we realize we have it also", he continued, "I need you to share this journey with others. There are people who need to hear this story to rediscover their own courage. This is especially important when it comes to hearing the story of someone whom no one thought could experience trouble in his Life."

I nodded but didn't say anything.

Gabriel looked over at my night table and saw a key laying beside the lamp.

He picked it up and placed it in my hand.

"I'm glad you still have this", he said.

"It was a gift from someone very important to me", I said quietly.

"It was a gift from an angel. We send angels in many forms", Gabriel said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I can't get any stronger

And I can't climb any higher

You'll never know just how hard I've tried

Cry a little longer

And hold a little tighter

Emotions can't be satisfied - A Man I'll Never Be - Boston

I could hear a faint tone in the background.

"I think that's your alarm", Gabriel said, smiling, "I guess I better let you start your day."

"Remember", he said, "You have more than enough courage and self-reliance. You just need to rediscover them and then help others find them within themselves."

He faded just as my wake-up alarm reached its full crescendo.

I woke with a start and rubbed my eyes.  

Opening my hand, I realized I was still holding the key.

I reached for my journal on the night table.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

Brad Delp was a hero of mine when he was the lead vocalist for Boston back in their heyday. Sadly, he took his own Life in 2007.

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 3.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

I believe that when others share their courage with us and we share ours with them, we are unstoppable. What do you think?

If you need help, the greatest courage you can show is to ask for help.

I did and I am ever grateful for it.