Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse 

 Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 10 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

"To everything turn, turn, turn

There is a season turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under Heaven" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"That's quite the list", a voice said breaking the silence in the room.

I turned towards the source of the observation. My therapist was staring at the whiteboard on his office wall.

I looked back towards the whiteboard. Most people prefer their therapy take place from the comfort of the classic chair or couch. My therapy sessions have centered around my place of comfort - a place that evolved after decades in the business world of Wall St. and elsewhere.

The whiteboard.

We were revisiting the ways I could have died in years gone by (the list can be found in the post Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness).

"Of all the ways you could have died against your choice or will", my therapist began, "you survived them all and then almost took your own Life."

I shrugged but said nothing, fighting a tinge of shame that still lurked somewhere in my subconscious. I am betrayed by my eyes, misting as I think about the result that I had missed by seconds.

"A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"How do you feel today?" he asked.

"Stronger", I replied quietly, "Better. Grateful. Blessed. Other things that are difficult to describe. I still have difficult moments though."

My therapist nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you remember when we listed the physical injuries you have sustained in your Life?" he asked.

I nodded as my mind replayed the list quietly.

• Broken feet - both, multiple times.
• Broken hands - both.
• Broken ribs.
• Broken lower back.
• Fused vertebrae in my neck from an unknown injury.
• Broken collarbone - three times.
• Ruptured calves - both.
• Torn hamstrings - both, multiple times.
• Torn quads - both, multiple times.
• Torn adductors - both.
• Torn rotators - both, multiple times.
• Fractured skull.
• Level 3 concussion - not related to the skull fracture.

All from separate accidents, and yet I was blessed that none of them created chronic issues after they had healed.

I reached up as if by habit, and mindlessly rubbed the spot where I had fractured my skull in an office in NYC.

"What do you feel when you rub that spot?" he asked.

"I feel the lump where my skull repaired itself", I replied. "The bone is now thicker there than elsewhere on my head."

"The body is a miracle", my therapist replied. "Your skull is now much stronger in the area where it repaired itself."

"Your mind has the same ability to be stronger after an injury", he added. "What do you think of this?"

"I'm not sure", I replied. "Sometimes I still feel vulnerable."

"That's normal", he replied. "It will take a while for your mind to completely heal."

He began flipping through his notes.

"Shortly after you began seeing me", he continued, "I asked you what you thought about the people around you after you almost took your Life. Do you remember?"

"Yes", I replied, "I divided my world into three groups of people."

"Go on", he said.

"Well", I began, "There were the people who supported me after I almost took my Life. There were those who abandoned me - angry with me, ashamed of me or disappointed in me."

I paused.

"They saw me as weak", I said. "Some people even celebrated the fall of someone like me. Although when they see me in public now, they avoid eye contact with me."

I paused again, reflecting on the pain that thought brought me.

"And there were the people who I thought contributed to me making my decision to take my Life", I said quietly.

"A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

There was silence in the room. 

"Now how do you see those people?" he asked.

"I imagine their early beginnings", I said quietly, "their childhoods, their struggles, their pain, their needs - their journey."

My eyes misted again.

"And I feel compassion for them", I said, "All of them. I feel love for them."

My therapist nodded.

"We discussed the story The Egg some time ago", he offered. "That we are potentially one soul spread across many physical bodies."

"Yes", I replied. "I still struggle with that."

"Go on", he encouraged.

"In my line of work, I saw photos of decapitated children", I began, "and photos of women who had been raped then set on fire. I've worked on algorithms that predict the end of the world in horrific, human-caused ways. Other things. You know - all the "fun stuff " that people like to pretend doesn't exist."

I paused, feeling anger stirring.

"And it made me angry and afraid for humanity", I continued.

"I feel your anger", he said. "Welcome it. Ask it what it wants to teach you."

"Well", I began, "I struggle with offering unconditional love to people who need to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others."

I paused before continuing.

"I have put people in jail", I replied. "I have the opportunity to put dangerous people in jail as we speak. I defend people against violent, broken people. How can I do this and still love evil people unconditionally?"

"Love the sinner but punish the sin", he replied.

"Clichés irritate me", I replied tartly.

"Is it the cliché or the truth buried in it that irritates you?" he asked.

I shrugged but offered no reply.

"Back to your anger", he continued. "What is it saying to you now?"

"A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

I looked at him.

"It tells me that acts of evil cannot be allowed to stand", I replied. "That no matter how much unconditional love I can offer people, there will always be evil in the world that needs to be dealt with."

I paused.

"Maybe you need to see the evil in a different way", he offered.

"Perhaps", he continued, "when you punish evil you can find alternatives to dealing with it that you might not have considered before. Maybe love will contribute to new solutions or approaches for you."

"How so?" I replied.

"It depends on your beliefs, I guess", he continued. "You are obviously sharing love with the victims by defending and protecting them. But maybe you are correcting the karma of the perceived evildoer, and in doing so, offering healing and love to them."

He paused.

"Perhaps you are freeing them from past sins", he continued, "and offering a better future either in this Life or the next."

I frowned in thought but said nothing.

"And besides", he offered, "can you offer unconditional love to everyone and still allow people to be hurt? Is it possible that instead of looking at this as punishing evildoers that you are in fact helping them?"

"Maybe", I replied.

He flipped through his notes in silence.

"On a similar but different note", he began, "you told me that you now accept that every person you encounter teaches you something."

"Yes", I replied. "I believe that to be true."

"Tell me more", he said.

"I used to feel grateful primarily for the people who helped me or who created great memories for me", I said. "But I now realize that the people who I have had struggles with are the ones who have helped me grow the most."

"In fact", I continued, "there was a time when I would have told some people who hurt me to go fuck themselves. I had it within my ability to really hurt them with minimal effort on my part."

"And", I said wryly, "I might have been pretty quick about it for some people. My wounded inner child could be swiftly vindictive when it wanted to be."

"Now", I added quietly, "I would say thank you for what they have taught me - for helping me to grow and become a better person. I would tell them that they bring my weaknesses and mistakes out in the open to help me become a better person."

"They were preparing me for a greater Purpose, I said, "but I resisted everything instead of being open to the transformation that their actions offered me."

"A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rain, a time of sow

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

My therapist nodded.

"So", he said, "You survived a spontaneous desire to take your own Life, not because of depression, but because of an occurrence of severe emotional flooding. You're not on medication, and I don't think you need to be at this time. Your inner child feels loved and affirmed for the first time in his Life without the need for damaging behavior or thoughts on his part. You see the role of others in helping you grow."

He paused.

"You also had the courage to share your journey with others who are having difficulty with Life", he said. "That took a lot of guts."

"Maybe I didn't care what people thought", I replied.

"You know that's not true", he said sternly. "While in many ways you have told people in the past that you don't care, you have a gentle heart that can be wounded pretty easily. I posit that you have one of the gentlest hearts I have ever seen."

He paused.

"More easily than you would admit", he added, "Even to yourself."

I let him continue.

"I know you did this to offer hope to others", he said gently. "I remember what you told me about your thoughts about people who struggle."

"Yes", I said. "It bothers me when people are in pain, are afraid or are alone. Whenever I become aware that someone has died, I always say a prayer, hoping that none of those conditions were true for them."

"And so your sharing has always been with those things in mind", he said.

"Maybe", I replied, "But I'm thinking that I have shared enough for now. Thousands of people have written to me to either thank me for helping them, or for having the courage to get the word out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

I paused.

"And it's not a train", I said.

"Or a bus", he said, gently referring to the way I almost took my Life.

"I will always defend people in trouble", I said. "No matter how much I embrace the concept of unconditional love and understanding, I will never allow people to come to harm in any way if I can help it. It's often a thankless job but I do it because I believe I am required to take action if I am able to."

"If you ever knowingly allowed someone to come to harm", he replied, "I would be shocked. But I suspect I wouldn't be as disappointed in you as you would be in yourself."

For a moment I reflected on past conversations about being my own worst critic.

"Changing the subject", I said, "An important person in my Life told me today that she felt I was transforming into Kwai Chang Caine."

"Ah yes", he said, "The protagonist in the old Kung Fu series. It fits you quite nicely!"

"It does?" I asked.

"A man who overcomes obstacles throughout his Life and emerges as someone whose heart is committed to defending others and dedicates his Life to lifting and serving them", he said. "And besides, how many people have the ability to defend people like you do."

I shrugged.

"Or the courage", he said, "You have accumulated over 100 death threats over the years defending others. Many people who talk the talk don't dare walk that walk!"

"I do, however, think that there will be a lot more love and gratitude behind your efforts moving forward", he added.

"I'm a work in progress", I replied. "I'm doing my best."

"Aren't we all", he laughed, then paused.

"I'm reducing the number of sessions per week that you see me", he said. "What will you do with less homework and more time?"

"Well", I replied. "I have a lot of things in the works."

"Uh oh", he said, "is this the overworked Harry coming back?"

"Not at all", I protested lightly. "I have a brief solo trip coming up for reflection and journaling where I plan to revisit places that are a source of gratitude or pain for me. My intent is to embrace or neutralize different energies that still originate from them."

"Excellent", he exclaimed.

"I have also decided to walk the steps of my ancestors from the last 350 years", I added. "I expect that trip to take between one and two years. It will be a mix of solo journeys and having people important to me joining in at specific points along the way."

"Wow", he replied, "I don't know anyone who is doing this!"

"And", I continued, "The manifestation of my new healing ranch will gear up once I have finished some personal housecleaning."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" he said.

"Don't worry", I laughed, "I'm just the catalyst for this. I'm going to enable people who are much more knowledgeable about things than I am. I'm the enabler - not the do'er."

I paused.

"You saved my Life", I said, my eyes misting, "I don't know where to start with thank-you's."

"Well", he said, "Not only was it my privilege, but you sharing our sessions saved the lives of others and inspired many. The future you have in mind for others is inspiring in itself."

"Everyone is worth saving", he added.

"I know", I replied. "Little Harry thinks so also."

To be continued.

With love, 

Harry

---

Thoughts on Kwai Chang Caine

In an exchange today with someone very important to me, we noodled over the idea that unconditional love should not be confused with the principle of "turning the other cheek".

While "turn the other cheek" has multiple theological meanings that I won't get into here, I have witnessed people who believe that offering unconditional love means that you passively submit to violence, abuse and the like, because to do anything else is counter to unconditional love. 

To them, it means they should be a doormat to miscreants - offering zero resistance - and in doing so, strengthening the power and authority of people who believe it is their right to control, manipulate or hurt others. 

By way of challenging people who confuse the two concepts, I offer a number of scenarios to test their premise. 

Here is one of them.

You're walking down a dark alley with someone important (maybe it's a child) and suddenly someone seizes the child and threatens to throttle them. There is a knife on the ground. Are you going to pick up the knife and save the child, or are you going to offer unconditional love to the assailant as the Life is squeezed out of the child?

If you choose the second option, you are either lying or misguided.

There is a similar scenario that I have used in work presentations that demonstrates how to obtain access to an aircraft cockpit even though the door is supposedly locked for our safety.

Denial of human primal wiring is a recipe to get the wrong people hurt. 

The people who confuse unconditional love with turning the other cheek actually contribute to the problems in our world when they refuse to stand up to trouble. While unconditional love and understanding can lessen or solve many problems, there are situations when it will be completely ineffective or exceptionally harmful.

What we don't oppose, we often condone by default.

That's not to say that unconditional love in some situations shouldn't be an initial strategy in resolving issues. However, there are times when realities call upon us to resort to more aggressive strategies in response to some situations.

When thinking of Caine's character in the Kung Fu series, he never threw "the first punch". He preferred to talk his way out of problems or to redirect or sidestep attacks directed towards him. When forced however, he was able and willing to physically defend himself and others but did so in a minimalist way commensurate with the threat at hand.

If unconditional love and pacificism become confusingly intertwined, how will we defend those without a voice - those who are oppressed, or those who are being crushed by the ignorant?

As the Freemasons say, "Who will defend the widow and the orphan?"

In four out of five times I was mugged in NYC, I was attacked first. Laying down and taking it or sending waves of unconditional love to my assailant might have gotten me killed. In the fifth incident, I talked my way out of it, saving the lives of people who were looking for trouble and the person who was with me.

So unconditional love gives us the opportunity to find better solutions but it is one of several options.

Unconditional love reminds us to be humble when dealing with others and to spare judgement unless more severe action is warranted. It guides our responses but it never restricts them.

Thoughts on The Egg

The Egg is an intriguing story. I offer it here with no analysis (but your thoughts are always welcome).

The Egg.

Closing Thoughts on this Series

My therapy sessions are recorded. I have transcribed some of them for publication in this series.

My Life journey has been rich with moments of enlightenment and intense pain over the years. But is this not the journey for most of us?

I have worked on end-of-world scenarios in my profession for years. It has wounded and empowered me in many ways. It has also colored how I see everything, both to my benefit and my detriment. It contributed to taking me right to the edge of Life and almost death. I am hoping now that it helps me serve others in a better way.

People who know me know that music is an important part of my Life. I recently heard that when we're in our twenties or thirties, we listen to the music, and when we are in our forties and fifties, we listen to the lyrics.

Some songs catch me off guard these days. On a walk alone one day this week, a song snared my brain and temporarily paralyzed me. I heard this song a lot when I was in my twenties and didn't care. It means a lot more to me in my fifties. Here is Wasted on the Way by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

There are people out there who suggested that this series was my way of saying goodbye to the world. I can say without reservation that this is not the case.

I shared my journey with the intent to offer people hope that there is light out there. I know many publicly confident people who struggle intensely in private. There are many who tell great myths about self-made success whom I have helped when they thought they couldn't go forward. My hope is that at some point, they will embrace a more authentic Life.

For you, my readers, I am extremely grateful for your compassion and love as I explored this facet of my Life. It wasn't easy for me to share. I suspect that this will be a work-in-progress until my end of days has arrived. If you have gleaned anything of value from this series, then my musings have accomplished their purpose.

For the people who were there unconditionally for me as I climbed back from the precipice, I have no words that can adequately express my gratitude. You know who you are. You know what we will accomplish in the future as we move forward in unconditional love. Let my actions born of gratitude speak so loudly that they become louder than what I'm saying.

For the people who helped me to find the real me - thank you. The rest of my Life will be richer because of it. The Life of those whom I encounter will be richer also. Your impact on others through me will be your legacy.

For those of you who are "disappointed" in my demonstration of "weakness" in sharing this story or thinking about taking my Life, my prayer for you is that you and your loved ones will never experience what I did. If you do, call me. I will be there for you.

For those who for spite, envy, or other reasons, reveled in my fall, I may disappoint you when I tell you that I have arisen from the ashes stronger than ever. I offer you the earnest wish that you may encounter Blessings in your Life. If you ever run into trouble, I will show you what unconditional love looks like.

For those who hurt others, I will still be an unpleasant presence in your Life. It's my calling for which I make no apology. I hope we will both be better for the interaction.

My journey, including therapy, self discovery, personal growth, and service to others continues.

Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me.

I am ever grateful to you.

As for this entire blog, I have shared a lot of opinions and warnings in it over the years. Much of the content includes things that I am now unhappy for having written. I leave it for others to read, learn from, or judge me for. I will return to it when I have something worthy of your time to read.

I would like to leave you with two of my favorite quotes.

When it comes to navigating pain in Life:

"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." - Indigenous American proverb

When it comes to being called to do the right thing:

"Let my heart be broken by that which breaks the heart of God." - Bob Pierce (whatever you define God to be)

With love,

Harry

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 10 and is the final installment describing my journey.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

Turn, Turn, Turn is a beautiful song based on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes. Here is the timeless classic.

Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." - Marcus Tullius Cicero

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." - Albert Schweitzer

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 9 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down a road and back again

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

My therapy session started as most of them do. 

My therapist uses a number of different techniques to loosen up my mind before the session starts. Today he used yarrow stalks to cast an I Ching reading. For those who are not familiar with the use of I Ching, I invite you to explore it here.

Today's I Ching result was hexagram 15, interpreted as "humility" or "authenticity". If you are interested, here are some interpretations of this hexagram.

• Cafe au Soul 
• Divination Foundation
• Mothering Change

As he named the hexagram, but before we began to analyze it, he said quickly, "First word that comes to mind."

"Gratitude", popped out of my mouth before I had a chance to reflect.

Gratitude has always been important to me.

People who don't know me well are not familiar with how I started in this world. My parents were married in April and I was born in August. The primary house I lived in until I was seven years of age is shown below.

It had no running water. Our commode was a white enameled pail, and potable water was drawn from a well. The three kids that started here grew up to become a Wall St. strategy guy, a pediatric oncologist in palliative care and an engineer respectively.

In my career, success has come and gone and come again as it does for many who know the thrilling and terrifying cycles of entrepreneurship. Anyone who accompanies entrepreneurs like me deserve a medal of courage as we experience dizzying heights of success and the terrifying darkness of complexity. Many of us have a mantra - "Never look down". Most of the people around us can't resist a peak, and are often terrified of how high the tightwire really is.

If you had told me when I was young that I was destined to live the Life that I ultimately lived, I would have thought you had lost your mind.

As my therapist and I discussed my Life journey today, I was overcome with emotion.

"What are you feeling?" he asked gently.

"I don't know how all of this happened", I replied.

I'm not ashamed to say

I hope it always will stay this way

My hat is off, won't you stand up and take a bow - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

"Let's break down your journey", he said.

My mother always read to my siblings and I with the limited books we had. 

Mrs. Rowe, an early elementary school teacher, fed my insatiable thirst for reading by providing me with more books than I could ever have dreamt of. She asked me a lot of questions about them to make sure that I understood what I was reading.

When I was ten years old, my first librarian allowed me to take out eight books at a time when the limit per person was two.

My dad was strong in mathematics and always helped me with math homework.

Mr. Morgan, my high school geometry and trigonometry teacher, took that math foundation and set it on fire, filling me with a love of mathematics, logic and critical thinking. 

When I found out that he also purchased clothing for kids who couldn't afford their own in the cold winter months, the seeds were planted in me for a future of service. I later learned that he caught a lot of flack from other teachers, and the school system itself, for doing this.

My therapist and I moved from my early childhood years to my career.

Without exception, every significant success in my Life came "by accident". I say "by accident" even though I do not believe in accidents or coincidences. There was no grand strategy in play on my part. There was no masterful, cunning execution by an aggressive (assertive), "brilliant", decisive alpha male.

Everything significant came to me without any intention, desire or action on my part.

My inner child ever needing to be affirmed, said "yes" to practically every opportunity that arrived. Saying "yes" to so many things led to an amazing, Blessed career and Life.  

Saying "yes" to so many things also led to complexity. Relationships are hard to maintain and family time is hard to come by when you're flying at a million miles an hour. People who have come along for the ride often live in terror (remember - don't look down), and then wondered how the hell things fell into place when they were given the time to do so. People who bailed prematurely often missed out on the "harvest". I don't blame them. I would not have had the courage to follow me on the ride either.

And then there were the other things that happened. 

I survived stage four, three-month-terminal cancer, diagnosed in March of 1996. 

I have survived five airplane "incidents": two RPM governance failures on takeoff, a structural integrity compromise during heavy turbulence, a sudden depressurization at cruising altitude and a near mid-air collision on final as I flew into Toronto.

I split my bicycle helmet when I went over my handlebars at 50 km. per hour.

I have had three near lightning strikes (within 25 feet of me each time).

I was mugged five times in NYC. My martial arts background got a little exercise: two were unconscious before they hit the ground (they swung first), two were knocked to the ground and I talked my way out of the fifth incident.

I was stabbed in the side by a man with dementia while waiting for a subway train in Toronto.

I was knocked out by a guy who drove past me from behind with a long piece of lumber sticking out of his car window. At the moment just before the lumber struck me, I thought I heard someone yell "Look out" in my ear. The command caused me to jump and the lumber struck me across the shoulder blades instead of my neck. Interestingly, the witness driving behind the car in question thought I jumped because of the flash by my head that he saw. EMS told me I should have been killed.

What do you think of guardian angels?

The list of things that I have survived is much longer than this. 

The point that became clear to me as my therapist and I went through all of this was that I cannot claim to have had any role in anything significant in my Life.

At all.

God, the Source, a Higher Authority, Goddess, or however you define "something greater than we are", clearly had a major hand in many of the significant events in my Life.

As for the rest, I am nothing without the people who have been in my Life. 

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

Well, you would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

As Newton once said:

"If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Where to start ...

My family. Say no more. Being with an entrepreneur is not easy. I wouldn't have had the courage to be with an entrepreneur like me.

The amazing friends that I have, who I would stack up against any group of friends anywhere for their intellect, their wisdom, their love and their support. How I have deserved to be blessed by them still escapes me.

The mentors who took the time from their busy lives to guide me. They didn't need to. My drive for service is in part my way of saying thank you to them. My inner child, in its need to be recognized, pushed this desire to unhealthy levels.

The people who showed up serendipitously over the years just when I needed them, and waded in to help me unconditionally with whatever I needed help with, are living angels. Some came and stayed. Some stayed for a while and moved on. Their significant impact on me is not dependent on the amount of time we spent together. The fact that we connected matters to me.

The business colleagues whom I have been blessed to forge new paths with are heroes of courage, audacity and perseverance.

The new friends I have made after I survived an attempt to take my own Life. Their offering of wisdom and unconditional love and support as I navigated early shame, confusion and weakness, is something that is transforming me.

The random people whom I encounter every day, either as "that Starbucks guy who always sits at the same table with a mountain of books" or wherever I am blessed to encounter you. You bring light to my day.

The people I have been in relationships with over the years. The list is not long but it sure is quality-filled. I am a better human being because of every one of you.

But as my therapist and I reflected on what I referred to as "the whole smash", there was another group of people who are equally important.

We all know people like the people on this list. They are the people that disagreed with me, fought with me or pissed me off. Some were the people who fired the first shot in many conflagrations. Some were the people who were defending themselves when I fired the first shot. There were the ones who thought they were right in their action.  There were some whom I knew were wrong and deserved whatever they got. 

So I thought.

There were the ones that wounded me or were wounded by me. Sometimes the action was accidental. Sometimes it was on purpose. 

There were the ones who weren't patient with me while I did ten million things at once. It seemed a normal way of living for me while it was frustrating or terrifying to them. However, their perception is their reality. I should have seen their side of it more often.

Today, I realized it didn't matter.

Many of us spend so much time and energy trying to keep score from the past that we lose sight of how to live for the future.

Or, we prevent others from living the future they deserve. throwing obstacles in their path as if we have the karmic authority to judge the sins of others while conveniently overlooking our own. 

In doing so, we violate a simple precept as expressed in this ancient Chinese nugget:

Those who seek revenge dig two graves.

When my therapist and I were finished analyzing all of this today, he gave me some important homework.

I was tasked with the job of cultivating maitri within me. Maitri is the Buddhist philosophy of "placing our fearful mind in the cradle of loving-kindness".  Acts of maitri must be offered free of attachment and thoughts of self-interest.

When cultivating maitri, one must express gratitude to seven circles of people. The circles, from the inner one closest to you to the one furthest from you, are:

• Ourselves (not as easily done as one thinks).
• Family.
• Friends.
• Neutral people (the random strangers we meet on a daily basis or who create products and services that we consume but whom we will never meet).
• People who have hurt us (or whom we have hurt - including the people who really piss you off or whom we have pissed off).
• All of the above as a group (embracing everyone as a group removes imagined barriers between them).
• Everyone through time and space.

If we are honest with ourselves, we are nothing without everyone. 

Everyone.

I once led an exercise with a group of people where we were able to establish that the modest bagel with cream cheese before each of us touched thousands of people. From farmers to bakers to delivery people and everyone in between, it took all those hearts and hands so that we could enjoy such a modest food item.

If it's a car you lack

I'd surely buy you a Cadillac

Whatever you need, any time of the day or night - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

But I wonder if the people who have hurt us intentionally or accidentally, are responsible for revealing the most about us to ourselves. 

I wonder if our greatest leaps in self-discovery and behavior correction are due in large part to that group of people.

It's true that we could never thrive without strong family, great friends, amazing coworkers and the neutral people in our lives.

But what about the people we see as difficult or impossible to be grateful for, either through their actions or the embarrassment of our choices?

Do they not deserve gratitude as well?

I posit that in some cases they deserve the most gratitude of all. 

They are most likely to be the best mirror that reflects back to us who we are, who we think we are and who we would like to be.

Maybe, through interactions and explosions, misunderstandings and attempts to wound, they have contributed to the person that we are today.

Or maybe at some point, they put us on the path to be that person?

Do you know of such a person?

And when we both get older

With walking canes and hair of gray

Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you) - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

One other thought on those people. 

If we examine their inner child and understand the experiences that those people witnessed and endured, I believe it is highly likely that we will feel compassion for their Life, past and present. 

Maybe even unconditional love.

And if we can reach that understanding, maybe we will find it even easier to thank them for who they are in our Life.

I've spent a good part of yesterday and today reaching out to people to express my gratitude for them.

In part, it is to fulfill my therapist's homework request.

But the reality is that my heart needs to do this.

The list is long. If I haven't gotten to you yet, don't sweat it. I'm getting there!

If you are in "that special list", you may be shocked or surprised when you receive my expression of gratitude.

You may be angered by it.

You may be grateful for it.

It's from my heart. There is no reply necessary.

Wherever you are in my maitri list, you have all made my Life better, and for that I am eternally grateful to you.

My successes are entirely due to you and a Higher Authority. You are the giants on whose shoulders I stand, in gratitude, awe and wonder.

My mistakes and failures are my own.

Please be patient with me. 

I'm a work-in-progress.

And when we die and float away

Into the night, the Milky Way

You'll hear me call as we ascend

I'll see you there, then once again - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to schoolmate and Master Warrant Officer (retired), Charles "Charlie" Mercer. He passed away suddenly in 2020. Chris is remembered as a guy who would do anything for anyone in need. He was also someone who could be counted on for some fun shenanigans! I salute your service, your memory, and the people who miss you, Charlie.

---

Long Distance Dedication

I wanted to name names in this post when I wrote it. The people whom I am proud to know as friends (or better) in my Life deserve to be identified for the incredible people that they are in my Life and in the lives of others.

To do this would require permissions to be requested from a lot of very humble people.

You know who you are. 

I am indebted to you.

As for the people in my past who are no longer with us, I can name them and then live in worry that I left out an important person.

They know who they are as well - wherever they are.

But I will dare to name a few of them who appeared in my Life at pivotal moments and who transformed me for the better:

• Margaret Rowe - elementary school, grades 1-3
• Newton B. Morgan - high school, grades 9-11
• Paul J. Johnson - my first boss and mentor
• Gerald Weinberg - my second mentor (long distance)
• Richard Giordanella - who taught me that one can lead with one's heart even on Wall St. (a dedication within a dedication - Chris de Burgh's Snows of New York )
• Colonel Robert M. Johnston - former father-in-law, mentor, colleague and friend, who liked to scare me with stories about nuclear war and alien technology at Wright Patterson AFB while we soaked in his hot tub or played billiards
• Kareen Tucker - my former wife, who "passed away suddenly" in 2018
• Bonita "Bonnie" Petten - defended me in school from bullies and "passed away suddenly" in 2010
• Doug Picirillo - a great friend, mentor and colleague
• Eric Bennett - a great friend and colleague who was lost in the World Trade Center
• Narender Nath - a dear friend and team member who was lost in the World Trade Center 
• Stephen J. Fiorelli - a great friend and neighbor who was lost in the World Trade Center

I will see you again and thank you for what you did for me!

Thoughts on Gratitude and Compassion

While my post is about gratitude, I think unconditional gratitude requires compassion, so that the heart-connection can fully blossom.

Pema Chödrön, in her book, The Places That Scare You, says this about compassion (in conjunction with loving-kindness):

We use the same seven-step aspiration practice to soften our hearts and also to become more honest and forgiving about how and when we shut down. Without justifying or condemning ourselves, we do the courageous work of opening up to suffering. This can be the pain that comes when we put up barriers or the pain of opening our hearts to our own sorrow or that of another being. We learn as much about doing this from our failures as we do from our successes.

In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering, our empathy, as well as cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. 

An area where I really need to grow is in the area of people who are often the easiest to judge and to hate - specifically those whom we label as criminals, terrorists, and the like.

As I noted earlier, when one digs deeply to understand the inner child within those individuals, we can see how that person was created and how we should feel compassion for them. We could have gone down the same path more easily than we realize.

However, compassion for such people should not prevent us from administering punishment or incarceration where warranted. It should also not blind us to the reality that many will commit other crimes if they are not prevented from doing so.

Judging the sin while not judging the sinner is a complex beast. 

Unconditional love, gratitude and compassion is not easy.

But they say that the most difficult things in Life are the ones most worthy of our efforts and aspirations. 

What do you think?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 9.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

The 1970s produced many great songs. Andrew Gold's Thank You for Being a Friend is no exception.

Life: A Question of Free Will

“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. - Alan Watts

"The illusion of free will is itself an evolved trait, beneficial for social cohesion but ultimately divorced from reality." - Steven Pinker

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 6 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

There are those who think that life has nothing left to chance

A host of holy horrors to direct our aimless dance

A planet of playthings, we dance on the strings of powers we cannot perceive

The stars aren't aligned or the Gods are malign, blame is better to give than receive - Freewill - Rush

It is close to midnight as I drive down a quiet, dark road just southeast of Calgary. 

Every once in a while I am compelled to go for a drive, usually late at night. The destination is about 20 minutes from my house, and I am drawn there almost as if by command. It's an irresistable force, like when you have been fasting all day and notice that your favorite dessert is sitting on the kitchen counter. 

Going for drives to remote areas like this has been a regular occurrence for me since I was 17 years old. No matter where I live, I always find a place early after my arrival in the new locale, where I am subsequently called to go to on a semi-frequent basis. When I go there, I usually don't remember parking and after the passing of a few hours, I find myself starting up my vehicle to go home. The time always passes without any awareness on my part. I've never been drunk or tried drugs in my Life, so let's not go there.

Some of the incidents have included bizarre moments, including one when I panicked after I arrived  - something didn't feel right. On that night, the electrical system in my vehicle failed totally, and my mobile phone died simultaneously, as I attempted to flee. However, whatever event I was about to experience was interrupted when another driver appeared on the scene at that moment. He stopped to provide assistance and could find nothing wrong with my Toyota. My vehicle and mobile phone returned to a normal state within a couple of minutes and we both laughed it off as a coincidence as we wished each other a good night.

A couple of times as I pulled off the road, my headlights caught sight of "someone" waiting for me. "It" was very tall, arms extended slightly from its side in a slightly threatening way, like a gunslinger from the old West waiting to "draw". I don't remember anything after seeing it but it always looked threatening. Darkness can play havoc with one's mind, especially when no one is within miles of you.

One time, I thought I had pulled in and turned around to leave immediately. But something called me back to the spot the next morning. When I returned, I noticed my footprints in the soft mud from the night before, preserved  by the overnight frost. They proceeded from where the vehicle would have been turning around and led towards an empty field, where they disappeared into the stubble. I don't even remember stopping, let alone getting out of the SUV. However, I did remember as I backed up, that I saw a flash of someone on my backup cam as they ran behind the vehicle, moving from the passenger side to the driver side. I also remembered being startled at the unexpected sight. Being in the middle of nowhere added to my sense of urgency to turn around and leave quickly. I guess I didn't leave as quickly as I thought.

Sometimes, if I am passing by the area late at night for no reason in particular and have people with me, the same type of event occurs. All of us experience the "missing time" for which we cannot account. 

It has frightened the people who have experienced this with me.

It took me a lot of years to get over being angry or afraid of it and while I accept it, I'll never get used to it.

When I get home from these events I usually experience feverish dreams once I climb into bed. The dreams are often strange or disturbing ones where "people" are trying to explain things to me. Upon awakening, I write down what I can remember from my troubled slumber. Many times, what I wrote down provides the solution to something I've been working on professionally or personally. 

My mother, the good Roman Catholic that she is, believes that I go to meet guardian angels, although I wonder why they would skulk around in remote areas in the middle of the night. Other people have their theories. I don't have any of my own. I'm evidence-based and without evidence, I am unable to suggest anything useful or believable.

I call them visitors. It seems convenient for want of a better label.

"3 ... 2 ... 1 ...", a voice quietly speaks to me, "Come back to me, Harry."

I open my eyes and my therapist is looking at me, his brow furrowed with concern.

"How do you feel?" he asked, as he turned off the recording app on his phone.

"Like I want to throw up", I replied weakly, "Recounting this stuff is always difficult for me."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I did some research", he said, "And I found that up to 6% of the population in North America experiences some form of missing time just as you are describing it."

He paused before adding, "That's a lot of people."

"When this first started happening to me", I replied, "I thought I was losing my mind. I went through a battery of tests to determine if I had a tumor, epilepsy or something else that might be responsible."

"When they checked my brain", I added, "They said they found nothing."

We both laughed at the over-used joke.

"Why do you go?" my therapist asked.

"I usually can't help myself", I replied, "It is difficult to explain."

I paused before offering, "Although sometimes it feels ominous like I might get into trouble if I go. Those, I am able to resist a little easier. I can also resist going if I have someone that I can speak to for a while when the compelling feeling comes over me. This allows me to distract myself, and the feeling eventually fades away."

"And who do you think they are?" he asked.

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose Freewill - Freewill - Rush

"I have no idea", I said as I shrugged, "All I know is that I don't think I have ever been hurt by them."

"You've been wanting us to explore this for a while", he said, "Why is this so important to you?"

"Well", I began, "I wasn't sure if the presence of whatever this is was a contributor to my incident a few weeks ago. I explored this with a different therapist years ago, but I found it made me physically ill to do so, and so I discontinued the exploration."

I paused.

"I guess I'm curious about whether the existence of whatever this is added to the stress I was feeling at the time of my incident", I offered.

"It's difficult to say", my therapist said, "Since we don't know what it is or what its intentions are for you."

"The other thing that has always bothered me", I added, "Is that I find it very difficult to resist them when I get called out."

"So you have no free will when it comes to the visitors, as you call them?" he asked.

"Most times, I don't seem to", I replied.

"Free will is an interesting challenge in today's world", my therapist, "There was a quote I read some years ago that went along the lines of the illusion of free will being shattered upon the realization that every decision we make is merely a product of our genetics, upbringing, Life experiences and environment."

"It sounds plausible", I replied, "But I don't see what that has to do with this."

"When you decided to take your own Life, you thought of the bus driver and your family", my therapist said, leaning towards me, "You changed your mind. You had the free will to prevent yourself from taking your Life at that moment. So while you struggle with free will and your visitors, you clearly have it sometimes."

I shrugged, clearly missing the point he was trying to make.

"Maybe", he said, "Our free will runs on autopilot unless a special moment, or a stronger external force, arises that takes us outside of the programming that dominates our mind."

"Or ...", his voice trailed off, "Maybe a Higher Power intervened."

"What kind of Higher Power?" I asked, "What does that mean?"

"Well", he said, searching for words, "I guess it depends on your beliefs. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's your visitors. Maybe they're one in the same."

"I still don't know what are you saying", I said with frustration.

"Well", he said, hesitatingly, "Maybe your visitors had a hand in convincing you to not step in front of the bus. Maybe they were compelling you even then."

"Do you really think that's possible?" I asked.

"I'm not sure", he replied, "Again, we know nothing of them, their origins or their intentions."

He paused.

"Anyway", he said, "The Higher Power thing is too complex for us to get into today, but I insist that we do get back to it at some point. However, I do have this thought on breaking out of autopilot."

He pulled out a book, thumbed through it as he looked for a specific page, and then began to read.

"It's not what the vision is, it's what the vision does. Once a structure exists, energy moves through that structure by the path of least resistance. In other words, energy moves where it is easiest for it to go. You got to where you are in your life right now by moving along the path of least resistance."

"That's from The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz", he said, as he closed the book.

"So what you are telling me", I replied, "Is that we are all drifting along, following this path of least resistance. We will continue to float along in this mix of idyllic bliss and wasted potential unless something happens, or is done to us, that awakens us from this dream."

"Possibly", he replied, "How many of your actions have we traced back to your psychological younger self in its desperate need for affirmation? How many of them happened without thought, or seemingly without your control or guidance?"

I bit my lip, ashamed of the reminder of how my Life on autopilot had produced a blend of success and disaster. 

"Well", I said, half jokingly to deflect from my embarrassment, "You have to admit that all of my victories and defeats have always been large. I never wasted my time on small events."

"That's not funny", he replied.

"Sorry", I replied, feeling stupid for offering such a remark.

"Now", he replied, "Think of all the people you have interacted with in your lifetime. Imagine that most of those people, without the sudden cranial defibrillator of an intense moment, as you experienced, are also operating on autopilot. Many of them are likely following their path of least resistance without a thought."

He paused as I soaked up the idea.

"Blindly following that path", he added, "Now imagine the accidental successes and  significant disasters that they create while on autopilot. Maybe the outcomes are more likely due to luck, fate or something else. "

"Or", he said quietly, "Someone else."

I still said nothing.

"Imagine how many things they did on autopilot because of the programming they received through their younger years", he continued, "Just as you witness in your own behavior."

"Now think of how much more forgiveness they deserve because of this", he suggested, "We judge people, ignoring the programming they have been receiving their whole Life. Now consider this. Much of what they do, good and bad, was instilled in them from youth by their parents. Do you agree with this idea?"

"It makes sense", I replied.

"If you accept that", he said, "Then you must accept that their parents were in turn, similarly influenced by their parents, good and bad, and so on, and so on, and so on."

"Ok", I answered, gesturing him to continue.

"So if you accept that, then you must accept that we are the culmination of generations of ancestors", he said, "This is a concept that the Buddhists call habit energy. So! We are living our lives based in part on the results, and choices of unknown generations before us."

"If we could address this habit energy", he continued, "We could find it easy to forgive people and find a way to restore free will in them, freeing them from the shackles of the negative choices and beliefs of their ancestors. "

"What I'm trying to tell you", he added, "Is that your event has brought you face to face with being much more intentional with your Life. This provides you with an opportunity to use your background and your present experience to explore this for yourself and gift it to others. It is a great gift if used properly."

"What if I hadn't survived this moment of enlightenment?" I asked somewhat mockingly.

"But you did", he replied, "So your point is moot."

"If this is such a gift", I replied, "How can other people receive it? I mean, after all, the experience I had was not only terrifying, but we can't very well go around telling people that they can receive enlightenment if they survive a suicide attempt."

I hesitated, choosing my words carefully.

"And", I said quietly, "I want to know why the thought of visitors interfering with me taking my own Life came to mind for you."

"That I cannot answer for you", he replied, "But what if a place could be created that helps people neutralize the bad effects of habit energy and amplifies the good effects. And what if this place could help them see the effects of habit energy on others?"

"And", he said, "Maybe this place could also be open to helping people understand other things in their lives. Stuff like spirits, guardian angels, visitors or whatever they want to call them."

"It's an interesting idea", I replied, "I had been thinking of building a healing place before my event, but it hadn't completely come into focus."

"Well", my therapist replied, "I would suggest that your need to heal yourself may have lit the path of purpose for this. Maybe you were pushed in this direction! Maybe you were forced to come face to face with your mortality as a call to action for yourself and others."

"I am amazed at the seeker of purity who, when it's time to be polished, complains of rough handling ...

When someone beats a rug, the blows are not against the rug but against the dust in it." - Rumi 

"Something or someone did this to me against my will?" I asked, incredulously, "I don't have the strength right now to build this so it would be pretty stupid for someone to draw me towards taking my own Life and then thwart my attempt."

"Well", he replied, "I have two responses. First, do you know of any other way to get the attention of someone whose mind is so focused on things as you often are?"

I shrugged.

"And secondly", he continued, "Who said you needed to build it by yourself? That's something else we need to talk about - your need to own everything."

"I don't have a need to own everything", I said a little hotly.

"We will talk", he replied.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

Thoughts on the Visitors

The visitor events that I described in this post have accompanied me, my family and some friends for years. I wrote about it years ago in the post Too Many Questions - Not Enough Answers.

Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with this happening to you and your family.

Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with not understanding the why of it.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you were not able to prevent it from happening.

What would you do to protect your family from this?

How can you be so sure?

Thoughts on Free Will

Robert Fritz's intriguing book The Path of Least Resistance - Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life is an interesting read.

The argument over free will is too difficult to get into here. Some people believe we have none. Some believe we have full free will. I believe that artificial walls are created for the reasons explained in this post, and we live with partial free will within these self-limiting walls. Such free will is also influenced by external forces that we cannot control, making full control of our destiny not possible. We do the best we can within the constraints we are given from our present and our past. Or do we?

Do you believe that you have full autonomy over everything in your Life?

How can you be so sure?

Does your current Life prove you to be right?

What should you be doing about this?

Do you think that something other worldly could influence your free will?

Are you sure?

Building a Place of Healing

The idea of building a place of healing has been on my mind for a bit - the original seed having been inspired by someone important to me. When the idea first took root, I embraced it so fast that the other person was startled. I believe now that the reason I needed to build it so fast was because I somehow knew that I needed it also.

My journey through self-discovery has taught me the importance of collaboration. I thought I was a strong collaborator before. I wasn't even close.

Was I forced, aggressively, to move towards accelerating the development of this place?

I don't have the answer.

Do you?

Does it matter?

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Would it be easier to forgive someone if we realized that many of the things that they do are being driven by habit energy?

Would we insist that others forgive us if we thought we did things as a result of this habit energy?

Would we be consistent when it comes to expecting and giving forgiveness knowing that this is a possibility?

Do we have less of an excuse to do inexcusable things once we become aware of the potential contained within habit energy? 

Did I at least make you think differently about this?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 6.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

As always, when I reference a song, I like to share it. Freewill, by Rush!

Life: Creating Space

"Find a moment of stillness, give your heart a chance to tell you where you really need to be." - Dodinsky

"Listen to silence. It has much to say." - Rumi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 5 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence. - Desiderata - Les Crane

Waves broke furiously over Topsail Beach in Newfoundland on August of 2005 as I parked in the parking lot facing the beach. I was struggling to maintain my composure during a complicated phone conversation with lawyers, and I needed to stop driving to focus on the call. I had recently been accepted in a Witness Protection program in the United States as I navigated being the key witness in an international fraud trial.  As a result, my Life had gotten more complex than I hoped.

As my mind wondered how my Life had gotten this complicated, I noticed that I was alone in the parking lot with the exception of another vehicle. The lady behind the wheel was crying, her emotion distracting me from my phone call.

When my call ended, I sat there and stared at the stormy, restless surf, wondering what else my day had in store for me. I glanced over at the woman and noticed she was still sobbing uncontrollably. 

I was still stinging from my phone call but I got out of my vehicle and crossed the windswept parking lot to her vehicle to see what was wrong.

I tapped on the driver's side window and she looked up, tears in her eyes. She opened the vehicle window about an inch.

It hadn't occurred to me until that moment how intimidating the situation would feel to her as a 6'3" stranger had approached her vehicle in a parking lot empty, except for us.

"I noticed you were crying", I said through the window, "So I came over to see if you were ok."

"I'm fine", she replied, a faint smile betrayed by the tears running down her face, "But thank you for asking."

"From where I sat in my vehicle", I replied, "You didn't look like you were fine but I won't bother you if you are telling me that you're ok." 

I wished her well and returned to my vehicle. I started it up and proceeded to leave the parking lot.

"Go back", I heard suddenly, as clear and loud as if someone had been sitting right next to me.

Shrugging it off, I continued to drive and then I heard "Go back" again. This time it was insistent.

"I'm losing my mind", I thought as I turned my vehicle around.

"Learning how to be still, to really be still and let Life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance." - Morgan Freeman

I parked beside her and walked to her vehicle again, oblivious to what she must be thinking as I, the persistent stranger, had returned.

I knocked on the glass again, and once again she opened it about an inch, not that it would have made a difference if I had any malicious intentions.

Suddenly overcome with empathy for her, I leaned in toward her window. "I know you said that you are ok", I said, "But I don't think you are."

Pushing my business card through the window, I said, "I don't know what you are going through but know that there are people out there who love you and will help you. Please contact me at any time if you need help."

She thanked me as she accepted my business card and she closed the window.

Pausing for a moment, I looked at her and then returned to my vehicle. This time there was no inner voice giving me commands as I drove away.

A week later, to the hour of the encounter with the lady on the beach, I was driving past the same area when my mobile phone chirped that I had received a voicemail. 

"Odd", I thought, "My phone didn't ring to announce a call."

I pulled over and listened to the voicemail.

---

"3 ... 2 ... 1", I heard a voice say, "Fully awake now."

I opened my eyes. As they adjusted to the light, I noticed that I was in my therapist's office. 

"You still have her voicemail, don't you?" My therapist asked gently.

"Yes", I replied, reaching for my phone, "I listen to it when Life gets complicated."

Moments later, L____'s voice filled the therapist's office. The periodic beeps in the voicemail informed the listener that the call was being recorded.

"Why didn't you call her back at the time?" my therapist asked.

"It was a blocked call", I replied, "The number was hidden from my phone."

We played the message again.

In the call, L____ identified herself as the "pathetic lady on the beach" and she shared that she had been waiting for me to leave so that she could take her Life. At the same moment, I had been thinking about how difficult my Life had become while she was wondering if Life was even worth living.

Her closing line still brought tears to my eyes even though I had replayed her message many times over the years. "I did want to tell you, Harry, how much that meant to me. That selfless act of kindness and compassion will stay with me always.  You're a good man, Harry Tucker, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

She thanked me and terminated the call.

My therapist and I sat in silence.

"In that moment", he said, softly, "You created a space for her to be heard. And while she didn't say much out loud, the pain that her heart was feeling was heard by you in that space."

I nodded but said nothing. 

"When you decided to take your own Life", he continued, "Your heart had been demanding space for a while. It was demanding to be heard and you didn't honor it."

"I was busy", I offered weakly.

"Busy", my therapist repeated, thoughtfully chewing on his pen, "The similarity between you and L____ was that you both had someone who would listen to you. She had you. You had people also, if you had asked for help."

"The difference", he continued, "Is that you chose to be private about the load that you were carrying until it was almost too late."

"I was raised with the belief that men quietly own their shit and push through pain", I replied, knowing my excuse sounded pretty lame.

"All men should strive to learn, before they die, what they are running from and to, and why." - James Thurber

"Well", my therapist replied, "There are three choices when it comes to creating healing space. We can be helped by someone as you helped L____. We can choose to voluntarily pause and create the space that we need for ourselves. Or, we can wait until Life overruns us and be awakened by Life's klaxon. When the latter happens, we can choose to be grateful for the space that is created for us or we can continue to be obstinate until a more complex lesson arrives."

I shrugged but said nothing. 

My therapist cleared his throat before continuing.

"Of the thousands of people you have helped over the years", he began, "What was the single most common solution needed by them?"

I thought for a moment.

"The funniest thing", I replied, "Is that many people thanked me profusely for my help when the reality was, I didn't do much, if anything, to help them."

"I disagree", my therapist replied, "What you gave them was a safe space to express their pain and to be heard. Being heard in such a place is a rare gift in today's world."

He paused.

"Many people know what they need to do when they seek guidance from others", he continued, "When they can be heard in a comforting, loving, safe space, they are invited to look inside their own psyche and they feel safer trusting themselves with an answer that comes from within. This is what you have offered thousands of people over the years."

I nodded in silence.

"You have offered so many people this safe space", he observed, "When you didn't create it for yourself, karma decided it was going to create it for you. Now the question is whether or not you have the courage to look within as you have helped so many people to do in their own lives."

"When we take the courage to look within", he added, "What looks complicated is nowhere near as complicated as we thought, and what is truly important has a better chance of being seen and heard."

I knew this - I've lectured many people on this for years.

"Do you know what?" he asked, "I think the exchange with L____ on that stormy day was as important for you as it was for her. Just a thought."

He paused.

"Healer", he said, gently, "Heal thyself."

I sat in silence

I knew what I needed to do.

"To be creative you must create a space for yourself where you can be undisturbed ... separate from everyday concerns." - John Cleese 

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

I have never used my connections to find out what happened to L____. Some days I am tempted. Some days I don't want to know.

What would you do if you had it within your power to locate her?

For years, I drove myself at a million miles an hour, chastising people who never slowed down or who accepted too much drama or abuse from others. I told many people the reason why you put your oxygen mask on first when an aircraft is in trouble, but I never put mine on at all.

I never created the space I needed to hear the quiet voice inside that was calling for attention or help. I never paused to see what was important for me as my damaged inner self clamored for attention and affirmation. I waited until an act of final desperation was my only option.

Or so I thought.

I will never make that mistake again.

What do you think? 

Do you create the space you need when you need it, or better yet, before you need it?

Do you think that you don't need to create that space?

Or do you want to take the chance that you are wrong and throw it all away in a moment where you feel overrun with no options except for an act of finality that will hurt many?

When Life decides that we don't have things under control, we may discover quickly, and without warning, that we are not in control, no matter how much we believe to the contrary.

I think you are smarter than that.

I know you are worthy of better than that.

What do you think?

What do you intend to do about it?

What are you waiting for?

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 5.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

I opened my post with a quote from the song Desiderata by Les Crane. It's a beautiful song that's worth sharing. Please indulge me.

Life: Forgiveness

"So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.

Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted." - Alan Watts

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 4 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

My local church was, as it always is on weekday mornings, peaceful, quiet and calming. Churches (and airport chapels when I'm traveling) are some of my favorite places to go when I can't get out in nature.

In addition to the many things church builders wish their creations to be, I have always felt that churches embody the essence of humanity as generations of people have infused the energy of happiness and sadness within the structure itself.

I was sitting in the church, reflecting on my recent therapy session around forgiveness - forgiveness of others and forgiveness of myself.

An older gentleman knelt in the pew next to me saying his Rosary in earnest as he gazed upwards at Jesus on the cross behind the altar.

As I looked over at him, he concluded his Rosary, blessed himself and sat back in the pew. He looked over at me and our eyes met.

He slowly stood up, genuflected as he left his pew and came towards me, gesturing me to slide over to make room for him.

"Great", I thought, "I came here to be left alone."

Despite my reluctance, I moved over to accomodate his request and he slowly sat down beside me.

"For someone sitting here in the quiet peace of God, you sure have a large frown creased across your forehead", he observed with a heavy accent.

"German?" I thought.

I shrugged, hesitant to discuss my innermost thoughts with a complete stranger.

As if to read my mind, he continued, "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it."

"It's not that", I replied, a little defensively, "I don't like to burden people with my own stuff. People have their own Life to worry about. No offense."

"None taken", he replied.

And then without missing a beat, he asked, "So what's on your mind?"

"He's persistent", I thought.

"I was just reflecting on my recent therapy session", I replied, being cautious about revealing too much.

"I see", he replied, "It sounds like you were given a lot to think about."

There was silence between us.

Lean on me

When you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on.  - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"You know", he said, "In my time, one of my specialties was in the area of relationships and how to help people live in harmony."

"You were a psychologist or psychiatrist?" I queried, curious why he had specifically identified relationships as his speciality.

"Not quite", he replied, chuckling, "We didn't have labels like that back then. I was famous for writing a paper on the three kinds of relationships: the useful, the pleasurable, and the authentic, the latter being based on unqualified goodness."

"Interesting", I said, frowning at my ignorance of his work, "Where can I find this paper?"

"I have a copy in my bag", he replied, "You can have it if you like. It's not in English, if that's ok."

"That's ok", I replied, "I'll find it on the Web."

"Suit yourself", he shrugged.

"I was thinking about a visit to the hospital some time ago when I had been admitted for a medical emergency", I heard myself say, "For some reason, as I lay upon the bed, I felt the presence of my former wife who died suddenly some years back."

"Interesting", he said, "And what was the significance of her appearing to you?"

"It sounds strange, "I replied, "But I sensed that she was apologizing for how we had lived our Life together and how she had departed this Life. She had lived a difficult Life as a young girl and her depature was sudden and unplanned."

"That sounds powerful", he replied, softly, "And how did you respond?"

"Well", I said, somewhat embarrassed, "I know this sounds weird, but I apologized to her in return for my role in our relationship."

I paused as my eyes misted.

"And then I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness", I said, my voice choking up.

"Sorry", I said, feeling embarrassed as I took my glasses off to wipe my eyes.

Please swallow your pride

If I have things you need to borrow

For no one can fill

Those of your needs that you won't let show - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"There is no need to apologize", he said, softly, as he offered me a tissue to wipe my eyes which I accepted with thanks.

"What brought this to mind?" he asked.

I took a moment to compose myself before replying.

"In my therapy session today, we were exploring the concept of speaking to our younger self", I said, "And embracing and loving the young self. In its wounded state, it is so powerful, pervasive and persistent, that it has a huge impact on the quality of our adult lives."

"Ah yes", he replied, "The power of this type of therapy came along long after I had completed my work."

I nodded.

"What I didn't know", I replied, "Was that the younger self was having such an impact on the quality of my whole Life. I didn't realize it."

"Interesting", the man said, "Can you give me an example?"

"Well", I began, "I realized that my younger self, by not receiving affirmation of value as a child, was so desperate for it that I, as an adult, inadvertantly chose relationships with people who needed help. Oftentimes, they needed a lot of help."

"How did that turn out?" he asked.

"It rarely went well", I admitted, "In my subconscious, I was seeking to be affirmed by them for "saving them". In reality, they were unable or unwilling to give me the affirmation I needed, and the relationships often got complicated."

"Why do you think they couldn't give you what you needed?" he asked, with sincere interest.

"When my therapist and I explored what their own childhoods looked like", I said, "Their younger selves had become crippled with needs similar to and different from mine. So while I was subconsciously seeking to solve my younger self 's needs by helping other people, their younger selves had strong needs also. They were different from and not in synch with mine. For that reason, we each didn't satisfy the needs of the other even though most of it was hidden in plain sight at the time."

"Well", I continued, "It looks obvious in retrospect knowing what I know now."

I paused.

"And since neither of us understood the impact of loneliness, sadness, and the lack of affirmation hiding in the subconscious of our younger self, we each blamed the other for not understanding our respective needs", I continued.

"Wow", he said, "That's a powerful revelation."

"The biggest thing", I replied, "Is that I now understand what was driving each of us and in knowing this, much of the pain for events of the past has left me. I just wish I had known about these things a long time ago."

I hesitated, not wanting to share the remainder of the therapy session.

He sensed my hesitation and encouraged me to continue.

"Well", I said, "We spent the rest of the session sending the energy of forgiveness to every person whom I felt that I had ever wronged."

"And", I added, "Asking for theirs in return."

Tears rolled down my face but I didn't care at that point.

"To realize that our younger self, with its need to be loved, to be affirmed, to be heard, could have such an impact on our adult Life, was such a powerful concept to understand. The reality is that instead of fighting with others, we should be better equipped to help each other, to hear our younger selves and to help each other heal our younger selves."

I paused.

"And to forgive our younger selves", I said quietly, "It's not their fault. They are a product of genetics and Life experiences. If I had the genetics and Life experiences of someone who made me really angry, I would in fact be just like the person that angered me."

"A sobering thought", he said, gently, "That sounds like unconditional forgiveness to me."

"Maybe", I replied.

I hesitated before offering something else from my therapy session.

If there is a load you have to bear

That you can't carry

I'm right up the road

I'll share your load

If you just call me - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"My therapist and I were wondering if reaching out to various people would be a good idea", I said, "Almost like the step in Alcoholics Anonymous where alcoholics reach out to others to apologize for the impact that their alcoholism had on others."

"I'm not sure that's the best approach", he replied, "Send the energy of forgiveness to the Universe and allow it to reach them that way. The ones who are ready to receive it will find their way back to you so that your respective healing can happen. Those who are not ready for this are better left alone for now,"

I nodded in agreement.

"I'm grateful that you shared this with me", he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, "Ofttenimes, the act of sharing with others is an important part of healing. Sharing it also sends a statement to the Universe about your intention for healing yourself and others."

"Thank you for listening", I replied, "I am very grateful for this."

I frowned as I thought about the best way to ask my next question.

"Do you think she actually visited me in the hospital?" I asked.

"I think she did", he replied, "It was important for her to express forgiveness and to receive it before moving on in her own journey. Our journey is not limited to what we experience on Earth."

"There is", he continued, "A theory that what we change in the present, including offering and receiving forgiveness, makes its way to our past, including to our younger self, and from there, rewrites part of our present."

"This sounds like multiverse theory or something", I said.

"I don't know the details of what you are referring to", he laughed, quietly, "A lot of knowledge came along long after my time. I was thinking more from a spiritual sense. But if science has a way of explaining it also, it sounds worthwhile to explore."

"My name is Albert, by the way", he said, offering his hand, "I'm grateful that we had an opportunity to chat today."

I shook his hand.

"Harry", I replied, "I'm grateful that we had an opportunity to chat also. Thank you for listening."

"My pleasure and honor", he said, "I will let you get on with your thinking."

"But", he said as he stood up, "Do yourself a favor. Don't think too much, I think your heart needs more exercise than your head today. As your therapist explored the importance of being gentle with others, so I ask you to be gentle with yourself."

"In other words", he said, "Your mind is better as an instrument of realization than one of rationalization."

He smiled.

"Auf wiedersehen", he said, smiling, and he began walking towards the back of the church.

I sat in silence for a while, reflecting on the conversation with my therapist and the gentleman who had kindly taken the time to listen to me.

"We all need to be heard", I thought, "both the younger and adult selves."

"And in fact", I thought, "We all need to do more listening and less talking."

I paused and sent a prayer of gratitude to the Universe for every person I had ever met and for every situation I had ever experienced in my Life. I also sent a thought of forgiveness to the same people and silently asked for theirs in return.

I stood up, genuflected by the pew and walked to the back of the church.

I paused in the church narthex, as I often do, to examine the announcements and such when my eyes fell on a pamphlet promoting the church and its namesake.

It wasn't so much the content that caught my eye but the picture on the top of the page.

"Wow", I thought, "That looks almost exactly like the guy I just spoke to. In fact, it looks exactly like him."

I smiled to myself.

I pushed through the door of St. Albert the Great Church, being careful to lock  the door behind me.

I paused.

"No. It can't be", I thought.

I shrugged as I turned my collar up against the cold to walk home.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

St. Albert the Great, a Roman Catholic saint who lived in the 1200s, was a scientist, a theologian, a student of the humanities and someone who wrote a number of famous articles including some on the formation and healing of relationships.

There are many people who believe that they  are visited by saints and ancestors in times of struggle or discernment.

I believe it happens when we are open to the possibility.

What do you think? 

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 4.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

My recent journey has given me much to think about in regards to the impact we have on others and the impact that they have on us. My exploration around the younger self has opened my eyes to what drives our behavior as adults.

To understand the needs of the younger self, to understand the impact that these needs have on our adult selves, and to understand how to comfort and heal the younger self, is an important exercise that everyone should explore. The quality of one's Life improves dramatically when the younger self's needs are heard and understood.

I strongly recommend the book The Child in You by Stefanie Stahl. While few things are as powerful as therapy, the insights in this book are startling and powerful. I hope it brings you the level of insight that it brought me. 

And lest I forget, here is the late, great Bill Withers with Lean on Me: