Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

“Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be." - Jocko Willink

"Everybody's life has these moments, where one thing leads to another. Some are big and obvious and some are small and seemingly insignificant." - Peter Jackson

"There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 8 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries - Everybody Hurts - REM

I'm sitting in my therapist's office listening to my voice emanating from the recording of my hypnotherapy session. Under hypnosis I am reliving the day I nearly took my Life.

If you have ever heard a recording of your voice from a hypnotherapy session, you know how strange it feels. It's your voice and yet, there is a strange disconnect as you hear yourself describing things that are fuzzy in your memory. Or forgotten altogether.

"What do you think of your thoughts leading up to the moment you almost took your Life?" my therapist asked.

"None of them were significant", I said quietly as I looked at my notes.

"In fact", I added, "In retrospect, they seem to be pretty trite things to give up a Life over."

"That's because you are looking at them individually", he replied, "instead of looking at the totality of them. Let's explore this."

He walked over to his office whiteboard and began to list things leading up to my event.

"I know you like space launches and such", he said as he consulted his notes. "Let's write your key thoughts and events down in the form of a countdown." 

On the upper left side of the whiteboard, he wrote, "Fueling - Launch Week Minus 1" and underlined it. Underneath that, he wrote "In no particular order".

He continued writing on the whiteboard.

- "A couple of very important personal relationships explode without warning and the blowback affects others. There are escalations that stretch my brain, and I am wounded by the unexpected outcomes. One in particular alerts me that my family might be in danger." (Reader note: The feeling of danger was perceived to be a legitimate reaction at the moment. Working through things with my therapist has given me a better understanding of the incident. Now I feel empathy for the individuals and have expressed a desire for forgiveness to them for the events that led up to the incident.)

- "My meeting about completing a company acquisition that should have taken three months to complete but took eight years instead, is frustrating. I am carrying the entire company, which is draining me in many ways. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

- "My weekly meeting with the client includes reviewing pictures of human remains. They think it's motivational. I've been doing it for some years and wonder why I'm not reacting to them like I used to. I threw up the first time I saw them years ago. Now I look at them with indifference. Most times."

- "My mobile bill shows that I send and receive 45,000 SMS per month. I have started to keep my phone muted because the chime of an arriving message on my phone, or someone else's, makes me feel anxious instantly."  

- "Lab work indicates that my white blood cell count is of concern. I'm a stage 4 cancer survivor. I can't go through this again."

"My memory has been off for the last few weeks. Should I tell my doctor?"

He pauses and looks at me.

"That's a typical week for me", I protested as I scanned the list.

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on - Everybody Hurts - REM

"I highly doubt that", he replied, "You have a very strong, perhaps crippling, habit of dismissing things as insignificant because you are a natural problem solver. Let's continue." 

He drew a vertical line to the right of the list he had written, dividing the board into two columns.

He writes "Launch Day" at the top of the right column, underlines it and begins to write a new list. 

"Here we go", he said, "The final countdown begins."

8 - "Despite my request to colleagues to never read emails first thing in the morning, I do my own quick scan before leaving the house. The emails are ugly and terrifying. It's just another day for me and I've gotten used to it."

7 - "That was a close call as the guy ran a red light on my walk to Starbucks. He should be paying attention. It's a crosswalk used by many kids on their way to school in the area."

6 - "I signal a family member (in the medical profession) that I am not feeling well but I can't put my finger on what the issue is. I tell her that I am feeling pain but I don't mean it in the usual definition of pain. Her reply is cold, and I feel hurt, confused by how I am feeling and her response to me. I guess I was hoping for something more supportive."

5 - "Why aren't the customers at Starbucks grateful for the privilege of their $7 lattes? Did my colleagues and I burn ourselves out working on public safety just for this?"

4 - "The walk signal is not working as it should - three traffic signal changes in a row without a walk signal and it's freezing outside."

3 - "I scan my phone for important SMS and emails from work as I am walking. There is an attachment that I look at. It is horrific."

2 - "I don't know where I'm walking to. Where the hell am I ?"

1 - "Panic"

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you are not alone - Everybody Hurts - REM

0 - "Launch: Step in front of the bus."

He stood in silence as I reflected on his list.

"Now", he said, "What was the one thing that everyone you worked with found amazing about you?"

"I don't know", I replied.

"Of course you do", he replied. "Everyone tells you that you are like a machine. No matter how many projects you get involved in and no matter how much pressure you are under, you always deliver. No matter how many horrific, graphic images you see, you always deliver solutions to your client as you coach everyone else to look away from the horror. No matter how many outsiders ask for your help, you always say yes to their requests."

He paused.

"Everyone has believed for years that nothing bothers you", he said quietly. "They considered you to be a machine and the way you delivered consistently confirmed their idea of you. Maybe it convinced you of that as well! So why wouldn't they continue to throw more and more things over the wall to you in ever-increasing frequency and intensity?"

"Plus ...", he said hesitatingly, "you never asked for help. Ever. Until you signaled to your family member that you were in trouble, nobody knew at all. Your indication that you weren't feeling well was the only time in your Life that you have ever admitted that you couldn't handle your present situation. The cold reply to the one and only time you have ever asked for help caused you to feel cutoff."

"And ...", he said gently, "it triggered your wounded inner child, reaffirming its old beliefs that you were never worthy - even in your most desperate of moments."

"When the relationships died the prior week", he continued, "They also triggered your inner child's defenses. Your inner child was not only rejected, something it feared constantly, but it was prevented from helping those people moving forward. Helping people was an important way that your inner child received affirmation that it was worthy and it felt that that affirmation had been taken away."

He paused for a moment.

"When you have accumulated an almost unlimited number of significant, traumatic events that would devastate most people", he said quietly, "and an inner voice in the form of your younger self believes you are not worthy of being saved, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge."

"I know you study plane crashes. Many of them originate from events that in themselves are often insignificant. It's the perfect sequence of events with impeccable timing that produces the negative outcome."

"After years of dodging things", he added, "you finally hit the potentially fatal sequence. Fortunately for you, there was enough of your mind left to pull you back from the brink. Not everyone is that lucky."

If you're on your own in this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody cries

Everybody hurts, sometimes - Everybody Hurts - REM

I sat in silence, pondering what had been presented to me. 

"So now what?" I asked.

"Well", he began, "your recovery has already begun. The amount of time on your mobile device has been significantly reduced. You have greatly reduced your time spent on work matters. Your consumption of material that is traumatic to your brain has been reduced to zero."

"Our work on nurturing your younger self has been happening in earnest", he continued, "and it feels less triggered and far less consumed by the need for external affirmation."

"And ....", he said, quietly, "you are not afraid to ask for help or to say no more frequently to requests that don't serve you."

"Is that it?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "Now comes the most important part, and for some, most difficult. You must offer forgiveness to everyone you believe contributed to the moment you almost took your Life. And in turn, you should ask for their forgiveness in case you hurt them, either real or perceived."

"And if they are not interested?" I asked.

"Then offer it unconditionally to the Universe, and allow it to deliver the message", he replied, "If they are meant to reach out to you in this Lifetime, or another, they will. If that happens, receive their message with unconditional love."

"In fact", he said, "make sure unconditional love becomes your way of being. Your world, starting with your upbringing and continuing with your career, has had too much judgement wired into it. It's time to move to unconditional love for others, and for yourself."

"How hard can that be?" I asked.

"I'll bet it will present some of the greatest challenges you have ever experienced", he said.

"But", he said smiling, "It will also present some of the greatest rewards you have ever experienced!"

"Your Life starts over. Today", he said, pointing to a picture of the Hero's Journey on his office wall. "If you could create what you did by accident and sheer will, imagine what you can create with the power of unconditional love."

"You know where you are on the Journey, don't you?" he asked gently.

I nodded but sat in silence, reflecting on his closing words.

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on - Everybody Hurts - REM

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to Michelle H. She took her Life a couple of days ago after failed attempts in the past. I won't include a link to her obituary. She wanted it to look like an accident. Her obituary says, "passed away suddenly". 

There is still a stigma about admitting to people that we lost someone close to us by their own choice. Obituary writers leave it up to the reader to figure out if "passed away suddenly" was something along the lines of a heart attack, stroke or something else. 

Do we honor those we have lost? What about their struggle? When do we do this?

What do you think?

May those close to Michelle find peace in the memory of her Life - a peace that so sadly eluded her.

---

Thoughts on Asking for Help

I was raised to solve my own shit. Men from generations prior to mine believed that this was the mark of a true man. If you suffered, you had to suffer in silence, no matter how intense the difficulty. Perhaps that worked in the past in a "slower" world, although I doubt it. I wonder if people just hid it better.

Looking back on my Life, there were a number of times where asking for help would have allowed me to release powerful negative energy I was accumulating. This would have prevented a harmful blend of toxic thoughts and feelings from proliferating in my 50+ year old mind. 

And after 50+ years of creating significant results, I forgot that I was a human being with limits.

Limits - a word that never crossed my mind until I revealed to myself and others that I was a mere mortal after all.

Many were surprised or shocked. 

Many were saddened and reached out to offer help.

Some were delighted and expressed their happiness cruelly or callously.

But do you know what?

After years of people thinking I was a machine, it feels damn good to be considered a human being.

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book, The Body Keeps Score: The Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, he outlines how energy from trauma and normal Life events accumulates until it reaches a breaking point.

The nature of the breaking point and how it manifests in someone depends on a combination of things, including the upbringing of the individual, the culture they grew up in, the resilience of the individual themselves, the nature of the energy accumulated, the triggering event and other factors.

It also depends on whether they are open to asking for help, receiving it when offered and acting appropriately on it once received.

Do you need help right now?

Are you open to receiving help?

If the answer is yes, don't follow my model of ignoring the signals or the need for help until it's too late.

Waiting as long as I did might produce a result that people close to you will try to understand for the rest of their lives, because you wouldn't be there for them to ask.

If the answer is no, then ask yourself the questions again to be sure of your answer.

I think you're worthy of a great finish.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

Thoughts on Unconditional Love

I have struggled with the concept of unconditional love for a long time. A lot of my work over the years has been in areas where it is easy to condemn people who seek to hurt others.

On top of that, some people who lectured me on the importance of unconditional love were quick to pass judgement on others. Some of them judged me when I almost took my Life. Some even applauded my decision. I don't know if they are disappointed in my survival. Living by example may not be their strong suit.

When asked about unconditional love, I often cited a dark example to counter the idea. In one variation of my response, someone important to you has been seized in an alley and the perpetrator threatens to cut their throat unless you acquiesce to their demands. I have always asked people, "Can you love your way out of that situation?"

In my ignorance, I inadvertently commingled two things. 

First, we are designed in fight or flight situations to do what it takes to survive and to help others survive. In this scenario, there is never a place for unconditional love as our primal wiring kicks in to protect lives. Love is not part of the programming of a fight or flight response.

But secondly, once the fight or flight moment has passed, there is room - dare I say a requirement - to understand the early Life history, cultural impact and other forces that led the perpetrator to commit the act.

This is where unconditional love plays an important role.

I missed the second step, using my example to preclude the perpetrator from receiving unconditional love after "the main event" had passed.

My example was partially right.

But mostly wrong.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone you hate or judge hastily. Dr. Covey described this process in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Specifically, I am referring to Habit 5 - Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Imagine absorbing their childhood.

Imagine living the culture that they grew up in.

Consider the things that they were told and how it was delivered to them.

Examine the things that happened to them.

Now ask yourself if you would have turned out any differently than they did.

And then ask yourself if there is anything about yourself that you wished was different about you.

Are you comfortable with unconditional love?

Do you need it?

If you need it, is it fair to ask that you give it to others also?

Why or why not?

Thoughts on the Hero's Journey

The Hero's Journey is a narrative that attempts to describe the journey of the "average Hero". We are all heroes in some way in this world and I posit that it is an encapsulation of your journey and the journey of everyone around you. More about the Hero's Journey can be found here on Wikipedia.

Here is an image similar to the one used by my therapist, illustrating a "typical" Hero's Journey.

I am somewhere between transformation and atonement.

Can you find your place on this journey?

What does this tell you about what you have learned and overcome in your Life?

What does this tell you about what you need to learn or do next?

What does this tell you about who you need to do it with?

As you reflect upon these things, consider coming up with answers through the lens of the following questions:

1. Where do I go?
2. What do I do?
3. What do I say?
4. And to whom?

What do you think should happen next?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 8.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

Song Choice

The powerful ballad, Everybody Hurts, by REM, was written as a song about suicide. The writer, Bill Berry, hoped to create a song that was "reachable" by everyone, especially teenagers.

In a later interview, singer Michael Stipe said this about how it felt to release a song that potentially saved lives. 

"It saved a few. People have told me. And I love hearing that. That's for me, that's my Oscar, that's my gold on a shelf right there... that something we did impacted someone's life in such a profound way. That's a beautiful thing."

 Without further adieu, Everybody Hurts, by REM.

Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?

“There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction." - John F. Kennedy

"Action expresses priorities." - Mahatma Gandhi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide, domestic violence and nuclear war. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 7 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years

And the slow parade of fears without crying

Now I want to understand - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

I'm sitting in my therapist's office. The room is silent except for the ticking of the clock on the wall.

"Something is on your mind", he said studying me carefully, "I'm ready when you are."

"Two things are on my mind", I replied, "The first is an old story about belling the cat."

"I'm not familiar with that story", he said, "But I would love to hear it."

"It goes like this", I began. 

"A group of mice were arguing in a mouse hole one day about a cat that had been terrorizing them. With every passing day, the cat would sneak up on one of them without warning and would make off with the unsuspecting victim. The mice were now tired of this and were arguing about what to do about the villain."

"Many ideas were discussed, hotly debated and discarded. Finally, one mouse suggested that if they put a bell on the cat’s neck, then their nemeisis would no longer be able to creep up on them unawares."

"Recognizing the brilliance of the solution, the mice spent considerable time congratulating themselves on how they had solved the problem. When the cacaphony of their celebration subsided, their expressions of self-congratulations were interrupted by a lone voice in the back of the mouse hole."

"'The solution may be brilliant', observed a wise old mouse, 'but who will bell the cat?'"

"Silence filled the mouse hole and eventually the mice went about their business, realizing that there is a big difference between being full of ideas and having the courage to carry them out."

As I completed the story, I took a breath but said nothing.

"Wow", my therapist said, "That's a powerful story. Why is it on your mind?"

"I'm not sure", I replied, "But it may have something to do with this persistent dream I've been having for a couple of weeks."

"Please go on", he urged gently.

"Well", I began, "In my dream, someone ..."

I gestured air quotes around "someone" and paused,

"Someone", I repeated, "Keeps visiting me and insisting that I need to learn something from them, but I'm not sure what that something is."

"Is that all?" he asked.

"No", I replied, hesitating, "Before they tell me that I need to listen, they make a point of showing me some of the things that I have worked on over the years. When they have done that, they tell me that I need to pay attention to the lesson that follows. However, I never remember the lesson, and often I wake up with a start as the dream concludes."

I have done all that I could

To see the evil and the good without hiding

You must help me if you can - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Can you tell me about some of the things that they highlight?" he asked.

"I guess", I replied, "It's a mixed bag of stuff. There was a project where I was helping a client determine the mortality rate of low yield nuclear weapons for major cities in North America. It's pretty complicated when you have family that becomes a statistic in the model that you are working on."

"Excuse me?" he interrupted, "You were doing what?"

I ignored the question and continued. 

"Then there were other projects where we helped clients prevent bad events from happening in North America and Europe. I can't really discuss this in detail, but one of my client's favorite tools to motivate us was to send us gruesome pictures of what could happen if we were not successful in a timely fashion."

My therapist stared at me but remained silent.

"How many photos of dead and mutilated bodies have you looked at recently?" I asked nonchalantly. 

He shook his head.

"Then there are the projects that I've been involved in around domestic violence", I said, "Helping victims of emotional, physical and financial abuse get out from underneath the people who hurt them."

"I don't want to get into the details of that either", I said, after a brief pause, "But between my team and I, we have helped hundreds of people just with the domestic violence stuff. I have no idea how many thousands of people we have helped with the other projects I mentioned."

I paused before adding, "Mostly women when it comes to domestic violence."

"I see", my therapist said, clearing his throat, "That's quite a list to be carrying in your head. Did your client, as you refer to them, provide emotional support as you performed these tasks?"

"For the things I did that involved them", I replied, "They did, but I think it was more to keep us balanced enough to keep providing solutions to them. I'm not sure that they cared enough about us as human beings."

I paused as I reflected on the help that I had received.

"And", I offered, "I think they used their emotional support to gauge whether or not we were lucid enough to not offer services to someone counter to their interests. That's a guess, though."

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what is wrong

Was I unwise to leave them open for so long - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne 

"I can't really get into details", I said, "Sorry. There's a lot more than that but that gives you a sense of what I am carrying around in my head. Maybe it's no wonder I decided to take my own Life. I've spent too much time in the heads of evil people without having someone to share it with so I could release the negative energy I've accumulated."

"I understand", he replied, gently, "Where do you want to go with this?"

"Well", I said, "I look at what's happening all around the world and in our backyard. Nobody seems to care about anything except the color of their next iPhone or what the next vacation they can't afford looks like."

I hesitated.

"A lot of people spending money they don't have on things they don't need", I said, "The banking system is close to ruin, governments have long since lost control of the bus they told us was being driven so skillfully, and the world is close to melting in a number of ways, including a nuclear disaster."

"On top of that", I added, "People in our own society are crushed as debt, violence and drugs overtake their world, while governments attempt to placate public opinion by telling them that these are the best of times. It's becoming more and more the best of times for a select few. While some government agencies promote these days as amazing, people within the same governments plan for the disaster they know will come when the rubber band that is society is stretched too far. How is that for hypocritical?"

"Do you really think that nuclear disaster is close at hand?" he asked, irritating me with the one thing he picked out, "After all, as long as the President is coherent, we will never launch first. I would like to think that the other side has similar controls in place."

I laughed at the idea of finding a coherent President who wasn't controlled by someone with ulterior motives. 

"You can't be serious", I asked, incredulously, "Do you not know that in all countries that have the bomb, there are hundreds of people in each country who have their equivalent of launch codes?"

"Really?" he asked, surprised, "Why would they take the risk?"

"Because", I said, "Redundancy is essential for assuring a military response if needed. But therein lies the complexity. Too many people can let things fly without authorization from the top."

'Cause I have wandered through this world

And as each moment has unfurled

I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"So", I suggested, carefully, "The opportunity for a rogue to start a war is more real than you think. Then you factor in aging systems that are not completely stable. And then, factor in the new missile system, the LGM-35A Sentinel that is being built on IT software that will be nowhere near as tested and secure from outside hackers as the old stuff was. See where I'm going with all of this?"

Neither of us said a word, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Can we bring the conversation back to your dreams?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Sure", I replied.

"Why do you think that you keep dreaming about this stuff over and over?" he asked, "And why do you remember all of that, but when you get to the lesson that you're supposed to take away from your dream, you don't remember that? That, I would think, is the most important part of the dream?"

"If I knew the reason", I replied, a little tartly, "I wouldn't need to talk to you about it."

He ignored my rude remark, but I felt obligated to offer an apology for my sharp answer.

"It's ok", he said, "I see that it's bothering you. There are no judgements in this room." 

People go just where they will

I never noticed them until I got this feeling

That it's later than it seems - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think what's bothering me", I said, "Is that nobody cares anymore. People like my colleagues and I put our own physical and mental well-being on the line for people on a daily basis, and for what?"

"Well", I added, correcting my generalization, "It's not that nobody cares. It's that not enough people care. We don't have a critical mass to change the course of society to one that honors the sense of urgency around taking care of each other. It makes me feel like I wasted my time and career saving people."

He waited for me to continue.

"Did I absorb a lot of punishment for nothing?" I asked, shaking my head, "Did a blend of my younger self, constantly seeking affirmation, and my adult self with a generous heart, lead me down this path for nothing?"

I paused.

"Did I choose to take my own Life partially out of seeing the futility of a Life of service for nothing?" I asked, my eyes misting.

"Are the women you helped better off because of your help?" he asked. 

"Most of them", I replied, "I lost a few who, for a variety of reasons, fell back into the clutches of their batterers and manipulators. Being hurt feels more comfortable for those women and causes them to trust what they knew - even violence - over someone who would help them.  For these women, kindness evokes a sense of suspicion. And some batterers are brilliant in their techniques of isolating the victim and pulling them back for more abuse. I guess I'm preaching to the choir on that. Sorry."

"Still", he said, "The majority have benefited significantly."

I half nodded, half shrugged, in silence.

"And for the times you helped thwart violence against common citizens", he added, "Don't you think they're grateful?"

"No", I replied, "They will never be grateful. They will never know the physical and emotional sacrifice made by so many people in secret so that they can continue to live their Life of happiness or ignorance. There are few public heroes in our space."

"Ignorance is bliss", he said.

"If ignorance is bliss", I responded, "Why aren't more people happy?"

My sharp response temporarily silenced both of us.

Doctor, my eyes

Tell me what you see

I hear their cries

Just say if it's too late for me - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"I think the second part of your dream reveals the important answer you seek", he offered, "What we need to do is to teach you a technique that will help you remember that part of your dream. Are you willing to try something?"

"Sure", I replied, "It beats waking up every morning at 3:30 just as the big reveal is supposed to happen."

"Good", he said, reaching for a book and handing it to me.

"Lucid dreaming?" I asked.

"Yes", he replied, "I think this will help you uncover what you are suppose to receive from the people in your dream."

"And what do I do in the meantime?" I asked.

"You carried it this long", he replied, "A little longer will be ok. Patience is the key."

Patience. My nemesis. Well, one of them.

Doctor, my eyes

They cannot see the sky

Is this the prize

For having learned how not to cry - Doctor My Eyes - Jackson Browne

"Try the technique outlined in this book for a week and we'll see if we can figure out what someone is trying to tell you", he said.

To be continued - hopefully with the answer.

With love,

Harry

---

Addendum - April 22, 2024

Some people sensed anger in this post. There wasn't anger. There was fear. I fear that by the time people wake up to see how the world is evolving, it will be too late. When that happens, the people who cared the least will likely be the ones who complain the most that they didn't see it coming and that no one warned them. 

It reminds me of when I ring my bicycle bell as I overtake walkers from behind. No matter how many times I ring it and yell "Passing on your left", some jump with startlement and yell profanities as I pass them. They couldn't hear me with their headphones on but, from their perspective, startling them was entirely my fault. 

Saving the world is a shared responsibility, not one that belongs to a select few.

Blame for its demise is also a shared responsibility.

I fear for the future of my family, friends and colleagues.

I fear for the future of yours also.

Fear can either paralyze or motivate.

I think we need more people to be motivated to make the world a better place.

I think that includes people like you.

What do you think?

Thoughts on Nuclear War

My former father-in-law, USAF Colonel Robert M. Johnston, now passed away, served in the USAF and the Strategic Air Command. I remember many a night where we would have discussions over the number of times a nuclear war was almost launched by accident. He always believed that we were alive by accident.

For more information on nuclear wars that almost started by accident, I refer you to the following articles:

• NY Times - Nuclear War: The Rising Risk, and How We Stop It
• Air and Space Forces Magazine - The Near Nuclear War of 1983
• Slate - 1983: The World Came Much Closer to Nuclear War Than We Realized
• Wikipedia - Nuclear Close Calls

For a tongue-in-check analysis of our nuclear war arsenal, I refer you to this dated but still relevant John Oliver piece.

Daniel Ellsberg, one of the architects of nuclear detente in the 1960s based on the horror of mutually assured destruction, wrote a powerfully disturbing book in 2018. The book,  The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner, describes how we have lost control over who launches the missiles in America. It also tells the chilling story of how modern military advisors tell US presidents that a limited strike-first nuclear war is winnable, with minium casualties. All sides believe this is possible now. So one of the things that kept us alive, that no one would strike first, is off the table. Secondly, the belief that a nuclear war can be engaged and won with minimal deaths, means that it is now something that can be casually considered. 

Van Wishard, an advisor to multiple US presidents and a mentor of mine, used to tell me often that I needed to stop worrying about where the world was going in regards to nuclear war since the outcome was unavoidable and could not be stopped. Instead, he often told me that it was better to invest in helping people rise from the ashes of the inevitable. Of all the things he told me over the years, it was the only thing that I didn't receive well from him. I thought it was defeatist instead of being proactive (sorry, Van) and helping people rise from the ashes of an unsurvivable event seemed to be a contradiction to me. Maybe Van knew something that I either didn't know, or didn't want to believe.

I wonder how many US presidents have received the same type of defeatist guidance? This would have a profound impact on their decisions in times of global difficulty.

For those who like a deeper analysis of new missile systems, here is a quoted summary of the cons of deploying the LGM-35A Sentinel. Skip it if you don't like gory details or realities.

GBSD critics include former Secretary of Defense William Perry; the late Daniel Ellsberg, Pentagon Papers whistleblower and author of The Doomsday Machine: Confessions of a Nuclear War Planner; the Friends Committee on National Legislation (FCNL); the Union of Concerned Scientists (UCS); the Federation of American Scientists (FAS); and Peace Action. They argue that the new missiles would be not only costly, but also dangerous, increasing the risk of accidentally launching a nuclear war. Critics say that the targeting of ICBM silos, which are supposed to act like a sponge drawing nuclear weapons to deplete Russia's nuclear power, could result in the deaths of more than 10 million people. Ellsberg and author Norman Solomon argue that peace groups must oppose not only the GBSD but also the entire land-based leg of the nuclear triad to reduce the threat of an accidental nuclear war.

Physicist David Wright, former co-director of the UCS Global Security Program, in his report Rethinking Land-Based Nuclear Missiles, writes that submarine-launched ballistic missiles (SLBMs) are as accurate, if not more, than land-based missiles, and are "virtually undetectable," making the ICBMs not only obsolete but also sitting ducks in the five states that house ICBMs. Wright concludes that the vulnerability of ICBMs has prompted the Air Force to keep them on high alert, which is dangerous and could trigger a nuclear war. According to William Hartung, author of Prophets of War: Lockheed Martin and the Making of the Military-Industrial Complex, a president would have only minutes to decide whether to launch ICBMs in a crisis so that the missiles would not be destroyed in a first strike. Source.

Remember: The people who make these decisions are safe (albeit temporarily) if things "go wrong". You and your family are not.

How would you feel if you repeatedly saw the briefs for years that described in gruesome detail how your family is likely to die?  "Bleeding from every orifice in your body" is the one quote that I've never been able to forget.

How would you feel if you read the summaries that inform you that your family is better dying instantly than being left to survive the aftermath?

Would you be able to take care of your family knowing that in our just-in-time supply delivery system, every major city would be reduced to anarchy in 48-72 hours, with limited fuel and food and no electricity, natural gas or running water? 

Do you think you could absorb this information for years without doubting your sanity?

If you're not bothered at all by these questions, you are maybe one of the people that my colleagues question are worth saving. How does that make you feel? 

Governments don't share the truth either. It doesn't promote minion productivity if you know realities.

If you are bothered, what do you need to do?

Who do you need to speak to?

When?

How about now?

Thoughts on Domestic Violence

Domestic violence continues to grow throughout North America. People think of bruises, broken bones and the like.

Modern domestic violence is more insidious because much of it is invisible. Emotional and financial abuse is rampant in society, and yet the courts are reluctant to do much if anything about offering more protection to victims.

There are a lot of talking heads with "amazing" analysis, with their egos screaming about their expertise about nothing of value except their own self-promotion on the subject.

There are a few people who actually know what they are talking about and they need to receive the same, if not more attention than people paid tens of millions of dollars to play a sport.

Maybe people in the judicial system haven't been personally affected by domestic violence and so they don't have the same motivation to fix the system.

Maybe some of them have secrets.

I know government ministers who have committed egregious sins against colleagues. I have tangled with some of them in the past. They lost. 

I know people who are abusing victims while the miscreant is in jail. It's easier than you think to accomplish this.

If someone close to you were a victim of domestic violence, you would do whatever was in your power to protect them.

Maybe someone close to you is a victim and you don't know it.

And if you're someone who commits violence, justice will eventually find you. If you knew the surveillance programs being developed to identify you, you would realize this.

But that would be the stuff of Big Brother conspiracy, wouldn't it? 

Do you believe that violence against women is ok?

Of course you don't.

So rather than shake your head about it, why don't you help myself and others bell the cat in the system?

Victims are waiting ... desperately.

What are you waiting for?

Lessons on Mental Health

Many times in my Life, my younger self needed to be affirmed as a hero, saving others. My adult self needed to never leave someone in distress. This often created great complexity for me. Too many times I cared more about people's safety and well-being than they did, and I often spent many multiples of effort more than they did to save themselves. I absorbed a lot of stress doing this and sometimes, when feeling great pressure from the imbalance, withstood extra punishment and accusations of "abandonment" when I tried to free myself from the harmful, out-of-balance relationships.

If you ever find yourself caring more about someone's health than they do, I urge caution. If you absorb the level of pressure that I did, for as many times as I did, you may end up creating health issues for yourself. Many times the people you are trying to help will not be aware of the stress you are under, or won't care about it. Either way, make sure you protect yourself before taking on this complexity.

I didn't pay attention to it and it added significant stress to my Life.

Sometimes kindness kills the healer.

Don't let this happen to you. 

At what point does lifting others take priority over your own health?

Is it healthy to be a martyr some of the time? 

How about all of the time?

How about none of the time?

Who determines the difference between a saint and a martyr?

How do you know?

Thoughts on the Energy in this Post

Some people reading this post may sense an undertone of anger. One of the things that I have let go in my therapy is judgement and anger requires judgement.

However, for a species that is allegedly at the apex of its evolution, we are at risk of descending to the absolute bottom of our evolutionary potential. Meanwhile, people suffer unnecessarily, incessantly and unfairly.

So what you may interpret as a sense of anger is actually a sense of extreme urgency for people to step up and collaborate to pull us from the brink in all the areas where we are failing. We must also do a much better job of holding public officials accountable for our safety on a global scale.

I think you, your family, your friends and everyone important to you and to the world are worth it.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 7.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

The great Jackson Browne with Doctor My Eye.

Life: A Question of Free Will

“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images which we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. - Alan Watts

"The illusion of free will is itself an evolved trait, beneficial for social cohesion but ultimately divorced from reality." - Steven Pinker

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 6 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

There are those who think that life has nothing left to chance

A host of holy horrors to direct our aimless dance

A planet of playthings, we dance on the strings of powers we cannot perceive

The stars aren't aligned or the Gods are malign, blame is better to give than receive - Freewill - Rush

It is close to midnight as I drive down a quiet, dark road just southeast of Calgary. 

Every once in a while I am compelled to go for a drive, usually late at night. The destination is about 20 minutes from my house, and I am drawn there almost as if by command. It's an irresistable force, like when you have been fasting all day and notice that your favorite dessert is sitting on the kitchen counter. 

Going for drives to remote areas like this has been a regular occurrence for me since I was 17 years old. No matter where I live, I always find a place early after my arrival in the new locale, where I am subsequently called to go to on a semi-frequent basis. When I go there, I usually don't remember parking and after the passing of a few hours, I find myself starting up my vehicle to go home. The time always passes without any awareness on my part. I've never been drunk or tried drugs in my Life, so let's not go there.

Some of the incidents have included bizarre moments, including one when I panicked after I arrived  - something didn't feel right. On that night, the electrical system in my vehicle failed totally, and my mobile phone died simultaneously, as I attempted to flee. However, whatever event I was about to experience was interrupted when another driver appeared on the scene at that moment. He stopped to provide assistance and could find nothing wrong with my Toyota. My vehicle and mobile phone returned to a normal state within a couple of minutes and we both laughed it off as a coincidence as we wished each other a good night.

A couple of times as I pulled off the road, my headlights caught sight of "someone" waiting for me. "It" was very tall, arms extended slightly from its side in a slightly threatening way, like a gunslinger from the old West waiting to "draw". I don't remember anything after seeing it but it always looked threatening. Darkness can play havoc with one's mind, especially when no one is within miles of you.

One time, I thought I had pulled in and turned around to leave immediately. But something called me back to the spot the next morning. When I returned, I noticed my footprints in the soft mud from the night before, preserved  by the overnight frost. They proceeded from where the vehicle would have been turning around and led towards an empty field, where they disappeared into the stubble. I don't even remember stopping, let alone getting out of the SUV. However, I did remember as I backed up, that I saw a flash of someone on my backup cam as they ran behind the vehicle, moving from the passenger side to the driver side. I also remembered being startled at the unexpected sight. Being in the middle of nowhere added to my sense of urgency to turn around and leave quickly. I guess I didn't leave as quickly as I thought.

Sometimes, if I am passing by the area late at night for no reason in particular and have people with me, the same type of event occurs. All of us experience the "missing time" for which we cannot account. 

It has frightened the people who have experienced this with me.

It took me a lot of years to get over being angry or afraid of it and while I accept it, I'll never get used to it.

When I get home from these events I usually experience feverish dreams once I climb into bed. The dreams are often strange or disturbing ones where "people" are trying to explain things to me. Upon awakening, I write down what I can remember from my troubled slumber. Many times, what I wrote down provides the solution to something I've been working on professionally or personally. 

My mother, the good Roman Catholic that she is, believes that I go to meet guardian angels, although I wonder why they would skulk around in remote areas in the middle of the night. Other people have their theories. I don't have any of my own. I'm evidence-based and without evidence, I am unable to suggest anything useful or believable.

I call them visitors. It seems convenient for want of a better label.

"3 ... 2 ... 1 ...", a voice quietly speaks to me, "Come back to me, Harry."

I open my eyes and my therapist is looking at me, his brow furrowed with concern.

"How do you feel?" he asked, as he turned off the recording app on his phone.

"Like I want to throw up", I replied weakly, "Recounting this stuff is always difficult for me."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I did some research", he said, "And I found that up to 6% of the population in North America experiences some form of missing time just as you are describing it."

He paused before adding, "That's a lot of people."

"When this first started happening to me", I replied, "I thought I was losing my mind. I went through a battery of tests to determine if I had a tumor, epilepsy or something else that might be responsible."

"When they checked my brain", I added, "They said they found nothing."

We both laughed at the over-used joke.

"Why do you go?" my therapist asked.

"I usually can't help myself", I replied, "It is difficult to explain."

I paused before offering, "Although sometimes it feels ominous like I might get into trouble if I go. Those, I am able to resist a little easier. I can also resist going if I have someone that I can speak to for a while when the compelling feeling comes over me. This allows me to distract myself, and the feeling eventually fades away."

"And who do you think they are?" he asked.

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice

You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill

I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose Freewill - Freewill - Rush

"I have no idea", I said as I shrugged, "All I know is that I don't think I have ever been hurt by them."

"You've been wanting us to explore this for a while", he said, "Why is this so important to you?"

"Well", I began, "I wasn't sure if the presence of whatever this is was a contributor to my incident a few weeks ago. I explored this with a different therapist years ago, but I found it made me physically ill to do so, and so I discontinued the exploration."

I paused.

"I guess I'm curious about whether the existence of whatever this is added to the stress I was feeling at the time of my incident", I offered.

"It's difficult to say", my therapist said, "Since we don't know what it is or what its intentions are for you."

"The other thing that has always bothered me", I added, "Is that I find it very difficult to resist them when I get called out."

"So you have no free will when it comes to the visitors, as you call them?" he asked.

"Most times, I don't seem to", I replied.

"Free will is an interesting challenge in today's world", my therapist, "There was a quote I read some years ago that went along the lines of the illusion of free will being shattered upon the realization that every decision we make is merely a product of our genetics, upbringing, Life experiences and environment."

"It sounds plausible", I replied, "But I don't see what that has to do with this."

"When you decided to take your own Life, you thought of the bus driver and your family", my therapist said, leaning towards me, "You changed your mind. You had the free will to prevent yourself from taking your Life at that moment. So while you struggle with free will and your visitors, you clearly have it sometimes."

I shrugged, clearly missing the point he was trying to make.

"Maybe", he said, "Our free will runs on autopilot unless a special moment, or a stronger external force, arises that takes us outside of the programming that dominates our mind."

"Or ...", his voice trailed off, "Maybe a Higher Power intervened."

"What kind of Higher Power?" I asked, "What does that mean?"

"Well", he said, searching for words, "I guess it depends on your beliefs. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's your visitors. Maybe they're one in the same."

"I still don't know what are you saying", I said with frustration.

"Well", he said, hesitatingly, "Maybe your visitors had a hand in convincing you to not step in front of the bus. Maybe they were compelling you even then."

"Do you really think that's possible?" I asked.

"I'm not sure", he replied, "Again, we know nothing of them, their origins or their intentions."

He paused.

"Anyway", he said, "The Higher Power thing is too complex for us to get into today, but I insist that we do get back to it at some point. However, I do have this thought on breaking out of autopilot."

He pulled out a book, thumbed through it as he looked for a specific page, and then began to read.

"It's not what the vision is, it's what the vision does. Once a structure exists, energy moves through that structure by the path of least resistance. In other words, energy moves where it is easiest for it to go. You got to where you are in your life right now by moving along the path of least resistance."

"That's from The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz", he said, as he closed the book.

"So what you are telling me", I replied, "Is that we are all drifting along, following this path of least resistance. We will continue to float along in this mix of idyllic bliss and wasted potential unless something happens, or is done to us, that awakens us from this dream."

"Possibly", he replied, "How many of your actions have we traced back to your psychological younger self in its desperate need for affirmation? How many of them happened without thought, or seemingly without your control or guidance?"

I bit my lip, ashamed of the reminder of how my Life on autopilot had produced a blend of success and disaster. 

"Well", I said, half jokingly to deflect from my embarrassment, "You have to admit that all of my victories and defeats have always been large. I never wasted my time on small events."

"That's not funny", he replied.

"Sorry", I replied, feeling stupid for offering such a remark.

"Now", he replied, "Think of all the people you have interacted with in your lifetime. Imagine that most of those people, without the sudden cranial defibrillator of an intense moment, as you experienced, are also operating on autopilot. Many of them are likely following their path of least resistance without a thought."

He paused as I soaked up the idea.

"Blindly following that path", he added, "Now imagine the accidental successes and  significant disasters that they create while on autopilot. Maybe the outcomes are more likely due to luck, fate or something else. "

"Or", he said quietly, "Someone else."

I still said nothing.

"Imagine how many things they did on autopilot because of the programming they received through their younger years", he continued, "Just as you witness in your own behavior."

"Now think of how much more forgiveness they deserve because of this", he suggested, "We judge people, ignoring the programming they have been receiving their whole Life. Now consider this. Much of what they do, good and bad, was instilled in them from youth by their parents. Do you agree with this idea?"

"It makes sense", I replied.

"If you accept that", he said, "Then you must accept that their parents were in turn, similarly influenced by their parents, good and bad, and so on, and so on, and so on."

"Ok", I answered, gesturing him to continue.

"So if you accept that, then you must accept that we are the culmination of generations of ancestors", he said, "This is a concept that the Buddhists call habit energy. So! We are living our lives based in part on the results, and choices of unknown generations before us."

"If we could address this habit energy", he continued, "We could find it easy to forgive people and find a way to restore free will in them, freeing them from the shackles of the negative choices and beliefs of their ancestors. "

"What I'm trying to tell you", he added, "Is that your event has brought you face to face with being much more intentional with your Life. This provides you with an opportunity to use your background and your present experience to explore this for yourself and gift it to others. It is a great gift if used properly."

"What if I hadn't survived this moment of enlightenment?" I asked somewhat mockingly.

"But you did", he replied, "So your point is moot."

"If this is such a gift", I replied, "How can other people receive it? I mean, after all, the experience I had was not only terrifying, but we can't very well go around telling people that they can receive enlightenment if they survive a suicide attempt."

I hesitated, choosing my words carefully.

"And", I said quietly, "I want to know why the thought of visitors interfering with me taking my own Life came to mind for you."

"That I cannot answer for you", he replied, "But what if a place could be created that helps people neutralize the bad effects of habit energy and amplifies the good effects. And what if this place could help them see the effects of habit energy on others?"

"And", he said, "Maybe this place could also be open to helping people understand other things in their lives. Stuff like spirits, guardian angels, visitors or whatever they want to call them."

"It's an interesting idea", I replied, "I had been thinking of building a healing place before my event, but it hadn't completely come into focus."

"Well", my therapist replied, "I would suggest that your need to heal yourself may have lit the path of purpose for this. Maybe you were pushed in this direction! Maybe you were forced to come face to face with your mortality as a call to action for yourself and others."

"I am amazed at the seeker of purity who, when it's time to be polished, complains of rough handling ...

When someone beats a rug, the blows are not against the rug but against the dust in it." - Rumi 

"Something or someone did this to me against my will?" I asked, incredulously, "I don't have the strength right now to build this so it would be pretty stupid for someone to draw me towards taking my own Life and then thwart my attempt."

"Well", he replied, "I have two responses. First, do you know of any other way to get the attention of someone whose mind is so focused on things as you often are?"

I shrugged.

"And secondly", he continued, "Who said you needed to build it by yourself? That's something else we need to talk about - your need to own everything."

"I don't have a need to own everything", I said a little hotly.

"We will talk", he replied.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

Thoughts on the Visitors

The visitor events that I described in this post have accompanied me, my family and some friends for years. I wrote about it years ago in the post Too Many Questions - Not Enough Answers.

Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with this happening to you and your family.

Ask yourself if you would be comfortable with not understanding the why of it.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you were not able to prevent it from happening.

What would you do to protect your family from this?

How can you be so sure?

Thoughts on Free Will

Robert Fritz's intriguing book The Path of Least Resistance - Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life is an interesting read.

The argument over free will is too difficult to get into here. Some people believe we have none. Some believe we have full free will. I believe that artificial walls are created for the reasons explained in this post, and we live with partial free will within these self-limiting walls. Such free will is also influenced by external forces that we cannot control, making full control of our destiny not possible. We do the best we can within the constraints we are given from our present and our past. Or do we?

Do you believe that you have full autonomy over everything in your Life?

How can you be so sure?

Does your current Life prove you to be right?

What should you be doing about this?

Do you think that something other worldly could influence your free will?

Are you sure?

Building a Place of Healing

The idea of building a place of healing has been on my mind for a bit - the original seed having been inspired by someone important to me. When the idea first took root, I embraced it so fast that the other person was startled. I believe now that the reason I needed to build it so fast was because I somehow knew that I needed it also.

My journey through self-discovery has taught me the importance of collaboration. I thought I was a strong collaborator before. I wasn't even close.

Was I forced, aggressively, to move towards accelerating the development of this place?

I don't have the answer.

Do you?

Does it matter?

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Would it be easier to forgive someone if we realized that many of the things that they do are being driven by habit energy?

Would we insist that others forgive us if we thought we did things as a result of this habit energy?

Would we be consistent when it comes to expecting and giving forgiveness knowing that this is a possibility?

Do we have less of an excuse to do inexcusable things once we become aware of the potential contained within habit energy? 

Did I at least make you think differently about this?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 6.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

As always, when I reference a song, I like to share it. Freewill, by Rush!

Life: Creating Space

"Find a moment of stillness, give your heart a chance to tell you where you really need to be." - Dodinsky

"Listen to silence. It has much to say." - Rumi

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 5 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence. - Desiderata - Les Crane

Waves broke furiously over Topsail Beach in Newfoundland on August of 2005 as I parked in the parking lot facing the beach. I was struggling to maintain my composure during a complicated phone conversation with lawyers, and I needed to stop driving to focus on the call. I had recently been accepted in a Witness Protection program in the United States as I navigated being the key witness in an international fraud trial.  As a result, my Life had gotten more complex than I hoped.

As my mind wondered how my Life had gotten this complicated, I noticed that I was alone in the parking lot with the exception of another vehicle. The lady behind the wheel was crying, her emotion distracting me from my phone call.

When my call ended, I sat there and stared at the stormy, restless surf, wondering what else my day had in store for me. I glanced over at the woman and noticed she was still sobbing uncontrollably. 

I was still stinging from my phone call but I got out of my vehicle and crossed the windswept parking lot to her vehicle to see what was wrong.

I tapped on the driver's side window and she looked up, tears in her eyes. She opened the vehicle window about an inch.

It hadn't occurred to me until that moment how intimidating the situation would feel to her as a 6'3" stranger had approached her vehicle in a parking lot empty, except for us.

"I noticed you were crying", I said through the window, "So I came over to see if you were ok."

"I'm fine", she replied, a faint smile betrayed by the tears running down her face, "But thank you for asking."

"From where I sat in my vehicle", I replied, "You didn't look like you were fine but I won't bother you if you are telling me that you're ok." 

I wished her well and returned to my vehicle. I started it up and proceeded to leave the parking lot.

"Go back", I heard suddenly, as clear and loud as if someone had been sitting right next to me.

Shrugging it off, I continued to drive and then I heard "Go back" again. This time it was insistent.

"I'm losing my mind", I thought as I turned my vehicle around.

"Learning how to be still, to really be still and let Life happen - that stillness becomes a radiance." - Morgan Freeman

I parked beside her and walked to her vehicle again, oblivious to what she must be thinking as I, the persistent stranger, had returned.

I knocked on the glass again, and once again she opened it about an inch, not that it would have made a difference if I had any malicious intentions.

Suddenly overcome with empathy for her, I leaned in toward her window. "I know you said that you are ok", I said, "But I don't think you are."

Pushing my business card through the window, I said, "I don't know what you are going through but know that there are people out there who love you and will help you. Please contact me at any time if you need help."

She thanked me as she accepted my business card and she closed the window.

Pausing for a moment, I looked at her and then returned to my vehicle. This time there was no inner voice giving me commands as I drove away.

A week later, to the hour of the encounter with the lady on the beach, I was driving past the same area when my mobile phone chirped that I had received a voicemail. 

"Odd", I thought, "My phone didn't ring to announce a call."

I pulled over and listened to the voicemail.

---

"3 ... 2 ... 1", I heard a voice say, "Fully awake now."

I opened my eyes. As they adjusted to the light, I noticed that I was in my therapist's office. 

"You still have her voicemail, don't you?" My therapist asked gently.

"Yes", I replied, reaching for my phone, "I listen to it when Life gets complicated."

Moments later, L____'s voice filled the therapist's office. The periodic beeps in the voicemail informed the listener that the call was being recorded.

"Why didn't you call her back at the time?" my therapist asked.

"It was a blocked call", I replied, "The number was hidden from my phone."

We played the message again.

In the call, L____ identified herself as the "pathetic lady on the beach" and she shared that she had been waiting for me to leave so that she could take her Life. At the same moment, I had been thinking about how difficult my Life had become while she was wondering if Life was even worth living.

Her closing line still brought tears to my eyes even though I had replayed her message many times over the years. "I did want to tell you, Harry, how much that meant to me. That selfless act of kindness and compassion will stay with me always.  You're a good man, Harry Tucker, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

She thanked me and terminated the call.

My therapist and I sat in silence.

"In that moment", he said, softly, "You created a space for her to be heard. And while she didn't say much out loud, the pain that her heart was feeling was heard by you in that space."

I nodded but said nothing. 

"When you decided to take your own Life", he continued, "Your heart had been demanding space for a while. It was demanding to be heard and you didn't honor it."

"I was busy", I offered weakly.

"Busy", my therapist repeated, thoughtfully chewing on his pen, "The similarity between you and L____ was that you both had someone who would listen to you. She had you. You had people also, if you had asked for help."

"The difference", he continued, "Is that you chose to be private about the load that you were carrying until it was almost too late."

"I was raised with the belief that men quietly own their shit and push through pain", I replied, knowing my excuse sounded pretty lame.

"All men should strive to learn, before they die, what they are running from and to, and why." - James Thurber

"Well", my therapist replied, "There are three choices when it comes to creating healing space. We can be helped by someone as you helped L____. We can choose to voluntarily pause and create the space that we need for ourselves. Or, we can wait until Life overruns us and be awakened by Life's klaxon. When the latter happens, we can choose to be grateful for the space that is created for us or we can continue to be obstinate until a more complex lesson arrives."

I shrugged but said nothing. 

My therapist cleared his throat before continuing.

"Of the thousands of people you have helped over the years", he began, "What was the single most common solution needed by them?"

I thought for a moment.

"The funniest thing", I replied, "Is that many people thanked me profusely for my help when the reality was, I didn't do much, if anything, to help them."

"I disagree", my therapist replied, "What you gave them was a safe space to express their pain and to be heard. Being heard in such a place is a rare gift in today's world."

He paused.

"Many people know what they need to do when they seek guidance from others", he continued, "When they can be heard in a comforting, loving, safe space, they are invited to look inside their own psyche and they feel safer trusting themselves with an answer that comes from within. This is what you have offered thousands of people over the years."

I nodded in silence.

"You have offered so many people this safe space", he observed, "When you didn't create it for yourself, karma decided it was going to create it for you. Now the question is whether or not you have the courage to look within as you have helped so many people to do in their own lives."

"When we take the courage to look within", he added, "What looks complicated is nowhere near as complicated as we thought, and what is truly important has a better chance of being seen and heard."

I knew this - I've lectured many people on this for years.

"Do you know what?" he asked, "I think the exchange with L____ on that stormy day was as important for you as it was for her. Just a thought."

He paused.

"Healer", he said, gently, "Heal thyself."

I sat in silence

I knew what I needed to do.

"To be creative you must create a space for yourself where you can be undisturbed ... separate from everyday concerns." - John Cleese 

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

I have never used my connections to find out what happened to L____. Some days I am tempted. Some days I don't want to know.

What would you do if you had it within your power to locate her?

For years, I drove myself at a million miles an hour, chastising people who never slowed down or who accepted too much drama or abuse from others. I told many people the reason why you put your oxygen mask on first when an aircraft is in trouble, but I never put mine on at all.

I never created the space I needed to hear the quiet voice inside that was calling for attention or help. I never paused to see what was important for me as my damaged inner self clamored for attention and affirmation. I waited until an act of final desperation was my only option.

Or so I thought.

I will never make that mistake again.

What do you think? 

Do you create the space you need when you need it, or better yet, before you need it?

Do you think that you don't need to create that space?

Or do you want to take the chance that you are wrong and throw it all away in a moment where you feel overrun with no options except for an act of finality that will hurt many?

When Life decides that we don't have things under control, we may discover quickly, and without warning, that we are not in control, no matter how much we believe to the contrary.

I think you are smarter than that.

I know you are worthy of better than that.

What do you think?

What do you intend to do about it?

What are you waiting for?

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 5.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

I opened my post with a quote from the song Desiderata by Les Crane. It's a beautiful song that's worth sharing. Please indulge me.

Life: Forgiveness

"So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.

Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted." - Alan Watts

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 4 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Sometimes in our lives

We all have pain

We all have sorrow

But if we are wise

We know that there's always tomorrow - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

My local church was, as it always is on weekday mornings, peaceful, quiet and calming. Churches (and airport chapels when I'm traveling) are some of my favorite places to go when I can't get out in nature.

In addition to the many things church builders wish their creations to be, I have always felt that churches embody the essence of humanity as generations of people have infused the energy of happiness and sadness within the structure itself.

I was sitting in the church, reflecting on my recent therapy session around forgiveness - forgiveness of others and forgiveness of myself.

An older gentleman knelt in the pew next to me saying his Rosary in earnest as he gazed upwards at Jesus on the cross behind the altar.

As I looked over at him, he concluded his Rosary, blessed himself and sat back in the pew. He looked over at me and our eyes met.

He slowly stood up, genuflected as he left his pew and came towards me, gesturing me to slide over to make room for him.

"Great", I thought, "I came here to be left alone."

Despite my reluctance, I moved over to accomodate his request and he slowly sat down beside me.

"For someone sitting here in the quiet peace of God, you sure have a large frown creased across your forehead", he observed with a heavy accent.

"German?" I thought.

I shrugged, hesitant to discuss my innermost thoughts with a complete stranger.

As if to read my mind, he continued, "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it."

"It's not that", I replied, a little defensively, "I don't like to burden people with my own stuff. People have their own Life to worry about. No offense."

"None taken", he replied.

And then without missing a beat, he asked, "So what's on your mind?"

"He's persistent", I thought.

"I was just reflecting on my recent therapy session", I replied, being cautious about revealing too much.

"I see", he replied, "It sounds like you were given a lot to think about."

There was silence between us.

Lean on me

When you're not strong

And I'll be your friend

I'll help you carry on.  - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"You know", he said, "In my time, one of my specialties was in the area of relationships and how to help people live in harmony."

"You were a psychologist or psychiatrist?" I queried, curious why he had specifically identified relationships as his speciality.

"Not quite", he replied, chuckling, "We didn't have labels like that back then. I was famous for writing a paper on the three kinds of relationships: the useful, the pleasurable, and the authentic, the latter being based on unqualified goodness."

"Interesting", I said, frowning at my ignorance of his work, "Where can I find this paper?"

"I have a copy in my bag", he replied, "You can have it if you like. It's not in English, if that's ok."

"That's ok", I replied, "I'll find it on the Web."

"Suit yourself", he shrugged.

"I was thinking about a visit to the hospital some time ago when I had been admitted for a medical emergency", I heard myself say, "For some reason, as I lay upon the bed, I felt the presence of my former wife who died suddenly some years back."

"Interesting", he said, "And what was the significance of her appearing to you?"

"It sounds strange, "I replied, "But I sensed that she was apologizing for how we had lived our Life together and how she had departed this Life. She had lived a difficult Life as a young girl and her depature was sudden and unplanned."

"That sounds powerful", he replied, softly, "And how did you respond?"

"Well", I said, somewhat embarrassed, "I know this sounds weird, but I apologized to her in return for my role in our relationship."

I paused as my eyes misted.

"And then I forgave her and asked for her forgiveness", I said, my voice choking up.

"Sorry", I said, feeling embarrassed as I took my glasses off to wipe my eyes.

Please swallow your pride

If I have things you need to borrow

For no one can fill

Those of your needs that you won't let show - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"There is no need to apologize", he said, softly, as he offered me a tissue to wipe my eyes which I accepted with thanks.

"What brought this to mind?" he asked.

I took a moment to compose myself before replying.

"In my therapy session today, we were exploring the concept of speaking to our younger self", I said, "And embracing and loving the young self. In its wounded state, it is so powerful, pervasive and persistent, that it has a huge impact on the quality of our adult lives."

"Ah yes", he replied, "The power of this type of therapy came along long after I had completed my work."

I nodded.

"What I didn't know", I replied, "Was that the younger self was having such an impact on the quality of my whole Life. I didn't realize it."

"Interesting", the man said, "Can you give me an example?"

"Well", I began, "I realized that my younger self, by not receiving affirmation of value as a child, was so desperate for it that I, as an adult, inadvertantly chose relationships with people who needed help. Oftentimes, they needed a lot of help."

"How did that turn out?" he asked.

"It rarely went well", I admitted, "In my subconscious, I was seeking to be affirmed by them for "saving them". In reality, they were unable or unwilling to give me the affirmation I needed, and the relationships often got complicated."

"Why do you think they couldn't give you what you needed?" he asked, with sincere interest.

"When my therapist and I explored what their own childhoods looked like", I said, "Their younger selves had become crippled with needs similar to and different from mine. So while I was subconsciously seeking to solve my younger self 's needs by helping other people, their younger selves had strong needs also. They were different from and not in synch with mine. For that reason, we each didn't satisfy the needs of the other even though most of it was hidden in plain sight at the time."

"Well", I continued, "It looks obvious in retrospect knowing what I know now."

I paused.

"And since neither of us understood the impact of loneliness, sadness, and the lack of affirmation hiding in the subconscious of our younger self, we each blamed the other for not understanding our respective needs", I continued.

"Wow", he said, "That's a powerful revelation."

"The biggest thing", I replied, "Is that I now understand what was driving each of us and in knowing this, much of the pain for events of the past has left me. I just wish I had known about these things a long time ago."

I hesitated, not wanting to share the remainder of the therapy session.

He sensed my hesitation and encouraged me to continue.

"Well", I said, "We spent the rest of the session sending the energy of forgiveness to every person whom I felt that I had ever wronged."

"And", I added, "Asking for theirs in return."

Tears rolled down my face but I didn't care at that point.

"To realize that our younger self, with its need to be loved, to be affirmed, to be heard, could have such an impact on our adult Life, was such a powerful concept to understand. The reality is that instead of fighting with others, we should be better equipped to help each other, to hear our younger selves and to help each other heal our younger selves."

I paused.

"And to forgive our younger selves", I said quietly, "It's not their fault. They are a product of genetics and Life experiences. If I had the genetics and Life experiences of someone who made me really angry, I would in fact be just like the person that angered me."

"A sobering thought", he said, gently, "That sounds like unconditional forgiveness to me."

"Maybe", I replied.

I hesitated before offering something else from my therapy session.

If there is a load you have to bear

That you can't carry

I'm right up the road

I'll share your load

If you just call me - Lean on Me - Bill Withers

"My therapist and I were wondering if reaching out to various people would be a good idea", I said, "Almost like the step in Alcoholics Anonymous where alcoholics reach out to others to apologize for the impact that their alcoholism had on others."

"I'm not sure that's the best approach", he replied, "Send the energy of forgiveness to the Universe and allow it to reach them that way. The ones who are ready to receive it will find their way back to you so that your respective healing can happen. Those who are not ready for this are better left alone for now,"

I nodded in agreement.

"I'm grateful that you shared this with me", he said, putting his hand on my shoulder, "Ofttenimes, the act of sharing with others is an important part of healing. Sharing it also sends a statement to the Universe about your intention for healing yourself and others."

"Thank you for listening", I replied, "I am very grateful for this."

I frowned as I thought about the best way to ask my next question.

"Do you think she actually visited me in the hospital?" I asked.

"I think she did", he replied, "It was important for her to express forgiveness and to receive it before moving on in her own journey. Our journey is not limited to what we experience on Earth."

"There is", he continued, "A theory that what we change in the present, including offering and receiving forgiveness, makes its way to our past, including to our younger self, and from there, rewrites part of our present."

"This sounds like multiverse theory or something", I said.

"I don't know the details of what you are referring to", he laughed, quietly, "A lot of knowledge came along long after my time. I was thinking more from a spiritual sense. But if science has a way of explaining it also, it sounds worthwhile to explore."

"My name is Albert, by the way", he said, offering his hand, "I'm grateful that we had an opportunity to chat today."

I shook his hand.

"Harry", I replied, "I'm grateful that we had an opportunity to chat also. Thank you for listening."

"My pleasure and honor", he said, "I will let you get on with your thinking."

"But", he said as he stood up, "Do yourself a favor. Don't think too much, I think your heart needs more exercise than your head today. As your therapist explored the importance of being gentle with others, so I ask you to be gentle with yourself."

"In other words", he said, "Your mind is better as an instrument of realization than one of rationalization."

He smiled.

"Auf wiedersehen", he said, smiling, and he began walking towards the back of the church.

I sat in silence for a while, reflecting on the conversation with my therapist and the gentleman who had kindly taken the time to listen to me.

"We all need to be heard", I thought, "both the younger and adult selves."

"And in fact", I thought, "We all need to do more listening and less talking."

I paused and sent a prayer of gratitude to the Universe for every person I had ever met and for every situation I had ever experienced in my Life. I also sent a thought of forgiveness to the same people and silently asked for theirs in return.

I stood up, genuflected by the pew and walked to the back of the church.

I paused in the church narthex, as I often do, to examine the announcements and such when my eyes fell on a pamphlet promoting the church and its namesake.

It wasn't so much the content that caught my eye but the picture on the top of the page.

"Wow", I thought, "That looks almost exactly like the guy I just spoke to. In fact, it looks exactly like him."

I smiled to myself.

I pushed through the door of St. Albert the Great Church, being careful to lock  the door behind me.

I paused.

"No. It can't be", I thought.

I shrugged as I turned my collar up against the cold to walk home.

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

---

St. Albert the Great, a Roman Catholic saint who lived in the 1200s, was a scientist, a theologian, a student of the humanities and someone who wrote a number of famous articles including some on the formation and healing of relationships.

There are many people who believe that they  are visited by saints and ancestors in times of struggle or discernment.

I believe it happens when we are open to the possibility.

What do you think? 

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 4.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

My recent journey has given me much to think about in regards to the impact we have on others and the impact that they have on us. My exploration around the younger self has opened my eyes to what drives our behavior as adults.

To understand the needs of the younger self, to understand the impact that these needs have on our adult selves, and to understand how to comfort and heal the younger self, is an important exercise that everyone should explore. The quality of one's Life improves dramatically when the younger self's needs are heard and understood.

I strongly recommend the book The Child in You by Stefanie Stahl. While few things are as powerful as therapy, the insights in this book are startling and powerful. I hope it brings you the level of insight that it brought me. 

And lest I forget, here is the late, great Bill Withers with Lean on Me: