Building Bridges Over Troubled Waters

"Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God." - Bob Pierce

"Don't neglect your own duty for another, however great. Know your own duty and perform it." - The Buddha ('The Dhammapada', chapter 12, verse 166)

“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” - Isaiah 1:17

"O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice" - The Quran (Surah An-Nisa 4:135)

 "An ye harm none, do what ye will." - Wiccan Rede 

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"When you're weary, feeling small

When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all, all

I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough

And friends just can't be found" - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

On a mid-winter's day, back in the early 1980's, I walked into the gymnasium changing room of my high school and prepared for the weekly ritual prior to gym class.

Pregame rituals vary from jock to jock, but given that I wasn't a large person at the time and I definitely was NOT a jock, my ritual was a little different.

My ritual, chosen by others, was to be subjected to being held down and mock-raped by the jocks in my class before running into the gym as though we were a band of bonded warriors. 

The people who hurt me, the unfortunate victims of abuse themselves, helped me conclude an entire Life of early education with abuse.

It wasn't until years later that I was able to share publicly that this happened to me. In admitting it, other members of my class came forward and shared their own stories of being assaulted by the same people. Stories from C., R. and others are a testament to the power of sharing and growing when grieving hearts and shared experiences meld.

I thought I had all of that history figured out and neutralized when a sequence of events triggered me to almost take my own Life years later (I describe my journey here if you are interested - The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus). Healing is a much more complicated and longer process than we think or pretend and the impact of damage is much more long-lasting than we realize.

More about this in a moment.

"Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down" - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

I had a conversation yesterday with someone of authority for whom I have the greatest respect for (considering him an important mentor as well as a friend and colleague). We were discussing a project about domestic violence and in the course of discussing it, the subject of motives came up.

For those who don't know me, I don't back down when it comes to helping people in trouble. When the call for help comes in, I do what it takes, including putting my Life on the line to save others if need be. 

But when someone like me steps forward with intense, unwavering energy to help others, we also subject ourselves to intense scrutiny by others, especially when it comes to motives. Suspicion often arrives before gratitude.

It's ok. It's a natural part of the human mind that has protected us for thousands of years.

A couple of weeks ago, myself and someone close to me put ourselves in harm's way to help with a difficult situation that involved the potential for violence.

In this situation, I discovered that someone I didn't know at all had not gotten help through traditional channels. When I stepped in to help, it was suggested that I may have had an unhealthy interest in the person that I was helping. It's interesting that if no other motive is apparent, this is the one we fall back on as the motive of last resort. It's also a great deflection if someone is feeling guilty that they didn't do enough themselves.

And yes, I did receive the classic admonishing afterward from law enforcement that I was potentially crossing boundaries by helping someone directly without police support. Police are, after all, there to serve and protect not only the victims of crime but also people like me who are not smart enough to avoid trouble. :-)

But what a lot of people don't understand, including some law enforcement officers who haven't had a chance to get to know me, is that my motives are driven by a complicated childhood filled with bullying experiences and first-hand experiences with domestic abuse. My motives are much simpler to understand than the projections that many people create using their Life context as the origin for an analysis of my motives, instead of simply asking me about my story.

"When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes

And pain is all around" - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

In my early years, Little Harry spent a lot of time wondering if help was out there, not knowing how to find it, and therefore suffering in silence.

In my adult years, I was married to someone who struggled with many demons, with the result of her personal struggles often being taken out on me. Only a small group of my closest friends knew that I was in the minority of men who are on the receiving end of domestic violence. Her Life ended by her own hand years ago and much of her difficult journey was not revealed to me until later. This also denied me closure and my need to understand her Journey better.

And so now I have a choice. I can allow my past to define myself as a victim - someone who is lost and desperately needs the help of others for the remainder of my days.

Or I can help others with what I couldn't fix in my own Life - to help other people know that they are never alone.

I can show them that help exists, either by my actions or by the actions of people much more experienced than I in whatever area the help is needed.

We need to show people under duress that they are so worthy of help and love that there are people out there who will do whatever it takes to carry them to safe shores.

I have a hard-wired belief that when someone appears in front of me and they ask for help, I MUST help them if I have the resources and abilities to do so.

I believe that I am not allowed to say "no", even if "yes" comes at great sacrifice to me - or with great danger.

"Yes" has burned me quite a bit.

Motives are suspected. Why would anyone do this with nothing in it for themselves? Money, sex or power are often the choices that fill the void in absence of obvious evidence. There is often little effort put into understanding the motive - people are often content with the first thing that comes to mind.

Egos are challenged. "He's trying to make me look bad or look better than I am, and therefore I should interfere with him or discredit him".

Threats are made in my direction. That's often all some people have in response to what they fear or don't understand.

I've also been deeply hurt by people who I've helped when they've turned around suddenly and unexpectedly and thrown me under the bus for a variety of reasons. I think some of these reasons were tied to their own sense of unworthiness in regards to the appearance of an unselfish, "shining knight". "I'm not worthy" produces some pretty complex responses to kindness, love and generosity.

For these reasons and others, it would be much easier to say "no" to everyone in trouble. My Life would surely be much simpler and less complicated and I wouldn't have to spend as much time defending my motives.

But karmically, I'm not allowed to say "no". It's a blessing and a curse. Trust me.

As Osho once wrote (I uppercased Life to illustrate my belief that Life is sacred):

"Just Say Yes

Life cannot be lived through no, and those who try to live life through no simply go on missing Life. One cannot make an abode out of no, because no is just empty. No is like darkness. Darkness has no real existence; it is simply the absence of light. That’s why you cannot do anything with darkness directly. You cannot push it out of the room, you cannot throw it into the neighbor’s house; you cannot bring more darkness into your house. Nothing can be done directly with darkness, because it is not. If you want to do something with the darkness, turn the light off; if you don’t want darkness, put the light on. But all that you have to do has to be done with light.

In exactly the same way, yes is light, no is darkness. If you really want to do anything in your Life, you have to learn the way of yes. And yes is tremendously beautiful; just to say it is so relaxing. Let it become your very lifestyle. Say yes to the trees and the birds and people, and you will be surprised: life becomes a blessing if you are there to say yes to it. Life becomes a great adventure."

"Yes" is a hell-of-a-lot more complicated than "no". It can be a lot more painful. It can be really messy.  It creates a lot of misunderstandings and suspicion.

But it also creates a much richer Life. The incredible friends I have met. The people I have lifted. The people who have lifted me. The people who have learned from me. The people I have learned from. The people who appeared by magic just when I needed their help to help someone else.

Do you believe in magic?

Maybe, just maybe, there's something more to what's going on when these "coincidences" happen.

All I know is that I have received by far, a greater helping of blessings than I have given to others in my relentless lifting of others.

And as I said to a great friend in law enforcement yesterday, I have taken the energy from my past and sworn that nobody around me is allowed to be hurt by someone else or to feel alone without options. I paraphrased Frost to him when I told him that I chose the path less travelled and that has made all the difference in my Life and in the lives of the many people I have helped.

"Sail on silver girl

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

Oh, if you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

I want people who feel lost or in danger to know and believe that better things are within their reach.

And if others don't understand that there are people out there who do things for others without anything in it for themselves, I invite them to read this post should we encounter each other.

Come ask me my story. Instead of spreading stories behind my back, talk to me. Attacking someone in a passive-aggressive way to feel better about themselves or to protect themselves or others from a non-existent attack doesn't serve or lift any aspect of the collective human experience.

Hopefully they (and you) will understand me and the people who I work with, or at least be a little less suspicious.

But if they (or you) still don't understand, people like me and others will continue to do what we are compelled to do.

Because it is the right thing to do.

We will do it our way because it's the only way we know. That's what happens when one leads with one's heart. :-)

As Frank Sinatra sang:

"For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way"

A Little Teaser

I'm blessed to be working with some amazing people on a new project that serves victims of domestic violence. It will do some things differently. It will be an organization that collaborates intelligently, serves lovingly and defends tenaciously. 

Warning: We don't have any selfish motives so don't bother looking for any. Well, you can look. But you may be disappointed in what you find. :-)

When the time is right, we will announce our intentions to the world. There's a lot of work to be done and many incredible people in the space for us to learn from as we prepare to join in the collaboration. Their energy, knowledge, heart, Spirit and persistence to do the right things for others is a model that we intend to contribute to in any way that we can, while we learn from them and add to their efforts.

If you pause and understand that this organization will lead with heart and Spirit and that service in love does not require a self-serving motive, then you will understand what we are doing, how we do it and why we do it as we do.

You will also understand why we can be tenacious assholes sometimes.

But we are loving, tenacious assholes. :-)

Memories fade from difficult events in our past but the inspiration that stems from them grows stronger every day - IF we have the Spirit to hear the Quiet Voice within, the humility to change and become a better person, the courage to share this new understanding with others and the audacity to act upon it.

So it's ok if you don't understand us or our "motives".

Someday, you might.

In the meantime, we will still do it our way because people in trouble can't wait for others to decide what the right thing is, or when the right time should be.

People are waiting for us.

What are you waiting for?

With love, 

Harry

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A Final Thought on "Why"

If you're ever in a certain Starbucks in Calgary, there is a long table there and on many mornings, you will see me sitting there with a classic hat on, a mountain of books, my tablet or laptop and a latte.

Every time I arrive, everyone yells out my name in greeting. Customers who are new there turn their heads to see who the "celebrity" is. If you have ever watched the old TV series Cheers, the character Norm comes to mind, although I believe I am a little more intelligent than that character. 

I hope so anyway.

With my mountain of books and my tendency to speak to everyone, curiosity eventually overcomes most people and they end up introducing themselves, demanding to know "who the hell are you?" There are lots of guesses of who I am - author, writer's agent, professor and a plethora of other choices.

I have made some wonderful friends there! I have started new businesses with some of these people who were once strangers. And yes, there are some who feel uncomfortable because, as noted earlier, people who are outgoing and friendly are clearly up to something. There are even people who intentionally hurt me at some point and now avert their eyes when they enter. I forgave them a long time ago - I can't speak for them.

A friend, M., a 35-year veteran (retired) of law enforcement was sitting there one day watching a parade of people walk over to say hi to me and he said, "I've always been amazed at all the people who say "Hi" to you. I finally understand what's going on. You love everybody and they feel it."

I never thought of this before but in reflection, he is right. I love people. I love their stories. I love their journeys of overcoming, of victories, and of stumbles that turned into funny stories. I love their stories of humble beginnings and servant-leader finishes. And my heart grieves when they share their stories of heartbreak.  Everyone shares everything with me and in turn, I openly share with them.

And in these exchanges, I am eternally grateful that a bullied kid from a small town in Newfoundland grew up to be blessed, privileged and honored to have the opportunity to share with so many amazing people. Many of these conversations are forever preserved in my journals.

In these exchanges begins shared soul journeys. Some journeys are meant to last a couple of minutes. Some are meant to last a lifetime (or beyond). But every exchange changes both of us forever.

Regardless of duration and purpose, I see every exchange as an incredible gift for which I am eternally grateful.

When I reflected further on M.'s observation, this quote came to mind from a book I read years ago. 

In the book, I Am an Impure Thinker, German social philosopher Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy wrote:

I am an impure thinker. I am hurt, swayed, shaken, elated, disillusioned, shocked, comforted, and I have to transmit my mental experiences lest I die. And although I may die. To write a book is no luxury. It is a means of survival.

Substitute "write a book" with "serve and lift those who struggle" and you understand me.

In the forward of this book, W.H. Auden wrote:

Whatever he may have to say about God, Man, the World, Time, etc, Rosenstock-Huessy always starts from his own experience as a human being, who must pass through successive stages between birth and death, learning something essential from each of them. 

THAT is my experience when I encounter every person's journey, including yours. I'm doing my best to learn from others in order to improve myself and to share with others, with the intention of somehow making someone's day better. 

What I get right, I attribute to others, including a Higher Authority.

What I get wrong is entirely due to my own errors in judgement and execution.

I'm an imperfect human, after all.

I am making my way through Life as an imperfect work in progress. I wonder if my intention to serve others and the actions of the people I am privileged to collaborate with and learn from will contribute to my Path of healing also.

There are no words of gratitude that can sufficiently describe such a powerful exchange.

I will have to settle for thank you ... for now.

A Final Thought on Justice and a Book Recommendation

My first boss and mentor, Paul J. Johnson (PJ to us), once distributed a desk plaque to team members with the following simple words:

    Do the right thing, the right way, right now.

John Ruskin had an even shorter version of this powerful message. The stone on his desk had this message carved into it:

    Today

Over the course of my years of saying "yes", I have stared down death a number of times. Well, stared down sounds like big hero stuff. Despite multiple airplane accidents, stage 4 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and a myriad of other challenges, I am still here.

I didn't look death in the eye and win against all odds in some amazing Hero's Journey bullshit story. Something of a Higher Authority with far more power than my meager abilities as a human being decided that it wasn't time for me to leave yet.

That being said, despite the claims by many people of the importance of "fill in the blank", I have always believed that the greatest gift we have is the gift of time.

From the moment we are born, we commence the process of dying. We don't know how much time we have been given, we don't know how much we have left, and any time spent can never be recovered. Some theories and practices such as time bending and such exist (I use these where I can), but we still have a best-before date stamped on us in invisible ink.

At some point, the next post I write will be my last. The latte I am enjoying will be the last one I will savor. My handshakes or hugs that I share with family, friends or colleagues will be my last expressions of respect and love. The texts (one of 40,000 in and out per month) will be the last of the deluge of crazy information that I overload people with and that I am privileged to receive.

The next person I help who is in trouble may be the last one.

If we understand this, doesn't it make sense that we would want to do as much as we can with the time we have left?

In Ryan Holiday's amazing book Right Thing, Right Now, his book concludes with this request of us:

Lift is short

Be good. Do good.

Love and be loved.

Try to leave the place better than you found it.

Do the right thing.

Right now. 

I can hear PJ telling me this.

I can picture Ruskin exhorting his colleagues to do this.

I remember when mentors like Richard Giordanella and others, men far greater than I, told me to lead fiercely with my heart and never back down when faced with difficulty, challenge or ignorance.

And so here I stand in the service of others, unflinching and unapologetic.

Can we count on you to understand why people serve others with unselfish courage, and more importantly, can we count on you to do the right thing the right way, right now for others?

They're ready and waiting for you.

Motives and Perceptions - Some Funny Stories

Some years ago, I helped a senior government official with some serious threats against her personal and professional well-being. Other government officials, who were responsible for the heinous acts that would have been considered illegal in the civilian world, were scratching their heads and wondering "Why would someone who is a stranger to her help her so tenaciously?"

They came to one of two conclusions:

The first was that I must have been sleeping with her. The reality that they didn't know was that she and I had never met. All these years later, we still have never met, even though sometimes we have found ourselves in the same city as we did this week.

The second conclusion was that I probably had an ulterior benefit that I was driving towards, needing her to reciprocate with some gift of power or other such thing.

I never asked anything of her. 

I don't ask anything of anybody. 

Ever.

But I always welcome people who step up beside me to serve others.

I digress.

When neither of these ulterior motives to help her panned out, people looked for skeletons in my closet with the hope of exerting some kind of leverage against me so that I could be forced go away.

When they couldn't find anything of interest, they concluded that I didn't exist. It took some convincing by colleagues in common that I actually existed, and had even sat in meetings with them.

Despite the noise, I persisted until justice was served.

Also years ago, I was helping some people in a municipality in Alberta. I was asked to make a presentation on a Friday afternoon. After the presentation concluded, I sent a four-line email to the attendees thanking them for their time.

On Monday morning, I had a complaint filed against me by one of the attendees.

What was the nature of the complaint?  A senior official, who I later found out had been demoted in a serious debacle the year before, was suggesting that anyone in IT who thanks people must be up to something. Apparently "there is no politeness in the IT industry" and that expressions of gratitude must cease immediately to avoid arousing suspicion.

She was also demanding that I be punished for saying thank you. Being stunned by the ignorance, and also being a bit of a jerk in the face of ignorance, I replied to my contact coordinator that I needed to know the exact conditions under which I should say thank you or say nothing. What should my quota of thank-you's be per week? What followed is not important here. All I can say is that it is funny how easily people get offended when their misbehavior is reflected back to them. :-)

I feel very sad for the "reality" that this woman and others are creating for themselves.

I also feel sad for the reality that they are surviving in.

The book A Course in Miracles discusses how our minds create our reality. 

I feel doubly sad that the "reality" that they are creating not only hurts themselves but it hurts others as well.

But my sadness doesn't serve those who struggle.

Action does.

The Songs

Two powerful songs that don't need a preamble ..... enjoy!

Addendum: Fun "Coincidences" - September 15, 2024

After I published this post, I was reading my daily meditations in 365 Tao: Daily Meditations when I realized that the topic of today is "Bridges" (day #259).

Here is the excerpt that struck me:

Bridges

Dream arch shimmers in storm clouds:

Bridge between heaven and earth

Its entrance is hard to find.

In legends, they say that the rainbow is the bridge between heaven and earth.

Think how difficult it is to walk this bridge. Not only does it appear very seldom, but we cannot easily find it. It seems to be just at the horizon, but the more we go toward it, the more it eludes us. To find its end, to even stand at its base and contemplate the dizzying heights that must hover over its high arch is even more impossible. If we were to stumble upon the sacred path, could we be light enough and pure enough to walk its raindrop surface to the embraces of gods?

And here is my reaction when I read it:

I don't believe in coincidences.

But I won't diminish this by attempting to analyze it with a mind contaminated by ego.

I just find it interesting. :-)

At the same time, Love Will Turn You Around by Kenny Rogers was playing over the speakers at Starbucks and this verse stood out as I reflected on my journey.

Right when a man's doin' all that he planned

And he thinks he's got just what he needs

Life will deliver a shock that will shiver

And drivin' him down to his knees

Make him start givin', livin'

Livin' again - Love Will Turn You Around - Kenny Rogers

I won't analyze this either.

But I did find it interesting!