Building Bridges Over Troubled Waters

"Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God." - Bob Pierce

"Don't neglect your own duty for another, however great. Know your own duty and perform it." - The Buddha ('The Dhammapada', chapter 12, verse 166)

“Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” - Isaiah 1:17

"O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice" - The Quran (Surah An-Nisa 4:135)

 "An ye harm none, do what ye will." - Wiccan Rede 

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"When you're weary, feeling small

When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all, all

I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough

And friends just can't be found" - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

On a mid-winter's day, back in the early 1980's, I walked into the gymnasium changing room of my high school and prepared for the weekly ritual prior to gym class.

Pregame rituals vary from jock to jock, but given that I wasn't a large person at the time and I definitely was NOT a jock, my ritual was a little different.

My ritual, chosen by others, was to be subjected to being held down and mock-raped by the jocks in my class before running into the gym as though we were a band of bonded warriors. 

The people who hurt me, the unfortunate victims of abuse themselves, helped me conclude an entire Life of early education with abuse.

It wasn't until years later that I was able to share publicly that this happened to me. In admitting it, other members of my class came forward and shared their own stories of being assaulted by the same people. Stories from C., R. and others are a testament to the power of sharing and growing when grieving hearts and shared experiences meld.

I thought I had all of that history figured out and neutralized when a sequence of events triggered me to almost take my own Life years later (I describe my journey here if you are interested - The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus). Healing is a much more complicated and longer process than we think or pretend and the impact of damage is much more long-lasting than we realize.

More about this in a moment.

"Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down" - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

I had a conversation yesterday with someone of authority for whom I have the greatest respect for (considering him an important mentor as well as a friend and colleague). We were discussing a project about domestic violence and in the course of discussing it, the subject of motives came up.

For those who don't know me, I don't back down when it comes to helping people in trouble. When the call for help comes in, I do what it takes, including putting my Life on the line to save others if need be. 

But when someone like me steps forward with intense, unwavering energy to help others, we also subject ourselves to intense scrutiny by others, especially when it comes to motives. Suspicion often arrives before gratitude.

It's ok. It's a natural part of the human mind that has protected us for thousands of years.

A couple of weeks ago, myself and someone close to me put ourselves in harm's way to help with a difficult situation that involved the potential for violence.

In this situation, I discovered that someone I didn't know at all had not gotten help through traditional channels. When I stepped in to help, it was suggested that I may have had an unhealthy interest in the person that I was helping. It's interesting that if no other motive is apparent, this is the one we fall back on as the motive of last resort. It's also a great deflection if someone is feeling guilty that they didn't do enough themselves.

And yes, I did receive the classic admonishing afterward from law enforcement that I was potentially crossing boundaries by helping someone directly without police support. Police are, after all, there to serve and protect not only the victims of crime but also people like me who are not smart enough to avoid trouble. :-)

But what a lot of people don't understand, including some law enforcement officers who haven't had a chance to get to know me, is that my motives are driven by a complicated childhood filled with bullying experiences and first-hand experiences with domestic abuse. My motives are much simpler to understand than the projections that many people create using their Life context as the origin for an analysis of my motives, instead of simply asking me about my story.

"When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your part, oh, when darkness comes

And pain is all around" - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

In my early years, Little Harry spent a lot of time wondering if help was out there, not knowing how to find it, and therefore suffering in silence.

In my adult years, I was married to someone who struggled with many demons, with the result of her personal struggles often being taken out on me. Only a small group of my closest friends knew that I was in the minority of men who are on the receiving end of domestic violence. Her Life ended by her own hand years ago and much of her difficult journey was not revealed to me until later. This also denied me closure and my need to understand her Journey better.

And so now I have a choice. I can allow my past to define myself as a victim - someone who is lost and desperately needs the help of others for the remainder of my days.

Or I can help others with what I couldn't fix in my own Life - to help other people know that they are never alone.

I can show them that help exists, either by my actions or by the actions of people much more experienced than I in whatever area the help is needed.

We need to show people under duress that they are so worthy of help and love that there are people out there who will do whatever it takes to carry them to safe shores.

I have a hard-wired belief that when someone appears in front of me and they ask for help, I MUST help them if I have the resources and abilities to do so.

I believe that I am not allowed to say "no", even if "yes" comes at great sacrifice to me - or with great danger.

"Yes" has burned me quite a bit.

Motives are suspected. Why would anyone do this with nothing in it for themselves? Money, sex or power are often the choices that fill the void in absence of obvious evidence. There is often little effort put into understanding the motive - people are often content with the first thing that comes to mind.

Egos are challenged. "He's trying to make me look bad or look better than I am, and therefore I should interfere with him or discredit him".

Threats are made in my direction. That's often all some people have in response to what they fear or don't understand.

I've also been deeply hurt by people who I've helped when they've turned around suddenly and unexpectedly and thrown me under the bus for a variety of reasons. I think some of these reasons were tied to their own sense of unworthiness in regards to the appearance of an unselfish, "shining knight". "I'm not worthy" produces some pretty complex responses to kindness, love and generosity.

For these reasons and others, it would be much easier to say "no" to everyone in trouble. My Life would surely be much simpler and less complicated and I wouldn't have to spend as much time defending my motives.

But karmically, I'm not allowed to say "no". It's a blessing and a curse. Trust me.

As Osho once wrote (I uppercased Life to illustrate my belief that Life is sacred):

"Just Say Yes

Life cannot be lived through no, and those who try to live life through no simply go on missing Life. One cannot make an abode out of no, because no is just empty. No is like darkness. Darkness has no real existence; it is simply the absence of light. That’s why you cannot do anything with darkness directly. You cannot push it out of the room, you cannot throw it into the neighbor’s house; you cannot bring more darkness into your house. Nothing can be done directly with darkness, because it is not. If you want to do something with the darkness, turn the light off; if you don’t want darkness, put the light on. But all that you have to do has to be done with light.

In exactly the same way, yes is light, no is darkness. If you really want to do anything in your Life, you have to learn the way of yes. And yes is tremendously beautiful; just to say it is so relaxing. Let it become your very lifestyle. Say yes to the trees and the birds and people, and you will be surprised: life becomes a blessing if you are there to say yes to it. Life becomes a great adventure."

"Yes" is a hell-of-a-lot more complicated than "no". It can be a lot more painful. It can be really messy.  It creates a lot of misunderstandings and suspicion.

But it also creates a much richer Life. The incredible friends I have met. The people I have lifted. The people who have lifted me. The people who have learned from me. The people I have learned from. The people who appeared by magic just when I needed their help to help someone else.

Do you believe in magic?

Maybe, just maybe, there's something more to what's going on when these "coincidences" happen.

All I know is that I have received by far, a greater helping of blessings than I have given to others in my relentless lifting of others.

And as I said to a great friend in law enforcement yesterday, I have taken the energy from my past and sworn that nobody around me is allowed to be hurt by someone else or to feel alone without options. I paraphrased Frost to him when I told him that I chose the path less travelled and that has made all the difference in my Life and in the lives of the many people I have helped.

"Sail on silver girl

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

Oh, if you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind - Bridge over Troubled Water - Paul Simon

I want people who feel lost or in danger to know and believe that better things are within their reach.

And if others don't understand that there are people out there who do things for others without anything in it for themselves, I invite them to read this post should we encounter each other.

Come ask me my story. Instead of spreading stories behind my back, talk to me. Attacking someone in a passive-aggressive way to feel better about themselves or to protect themselves or others from a non-existent attack doesn't serve or lift any aspect of the collective human experience.

Hopefully they (and you) will understand me and the people who I work with, or at least be a little less suspicious.

But if they (or you) still don't understand, people like me and others will continue to do what we are compelled to do.

Because it is the right thing to do.

We will do it our way because it's the only way we know. That's what happens when one leads with one's heart. :-)

As Frank Sinatra sang:

"For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way"

A Little Teaser

I'm blessed to be working with some amazing people on a new project that serves victims of domestic violence. It will do some things differently. It will be an organization that collaborates intelligently, serves lovingly and defends tenaciously. 

Warning: We don't have any selfish motives so don't bother looking for any. Well, you can look. But you may be disappointed in what you find. :-)

When the time is right, we will announce our intentions to the world. There's a lot of work to be done and many incredible people in the space for us to learn from as we prepare to join in the collaboration. Their energy, knowledge, heart, Spirit and persistence to do the right things for others is a model that we intend to contribute to in any way that we can, while we learn from them and add to their efforts.

If you pause and understand that this organization will lead with heart and Spirit and that service in love does not require a self-serving motive, then you will understand what we are doing, how we do it and why we do it as we do.

You will also understand why we can be tenacious assholes sometimes.

But we are loving, tenacious assholes. :-)

Memories fade from difficult events in our past but the inspiration that stems from them grows stronger every day - IF we have the Spirit to hear the Quiet Voice within, the humility to change and become a better person, the courage to share this new understanding with others and the audacity to act upon it.

So it's ok if you don't understand us or our "motives".

Someday, you might.

In the meantime, we will still do it our way because people in trouble can't wait for others to decide what the right thing is, or when the right time should be.

People are waiting for us.

What are you waiting for?

With love, 

Harry

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A Final Thought on "Why"

If you're ever in a certain Starbucks in Calgary, there is a long table there and on many mornings, you will see me sitting there with a classic hat on, a mountain of books, my tablet or laptop and a latte.

Every time I arrive, everyone yells out my name in greeting. Customers who are new there turn their heads to see who the "celebrity" is. If you have ever watched the old TV series Cheers, the character Norm comes to mind, although I believe I am a little more intelligent than that character. 

I hope so anyway.

With my mountain of books and my tendency to speak to everyone, curiosity eventually overcomes most people and they end up introducing themselves, demanding to know "who the hell are you?" There are lots of guesses of who I am - author, writer's agent, professor and a plethora of other choices.

I have made some wonderful friends there! I have started new businesses with some of these people who were once strangers. And yes, there are some who feel uncomfortable because, as noted earlier, people who are outgoing and friendly are clearly up to something. There are even people who intentionally hurt me at some point and now avert their eyes when they enter. I forgave them a long time ago - I can't speak for them.

A friend, M., a 35-year veteran (retired) of law enforcement was sitting there one day watching a parade of people walk over to say hi to me and he said, "I've always been amazed at all the people who say "Hi" to you. I finally understand what's going on. You love everybody and they feel it."

I never thought of this before but in reflection, he is right. I love people. I love their stories. I love their journeys of overcoming, of victories, and of stumbles that turned into funny stories. I love their stories of humble beginnings and servant-leader finishes. And my heart grieves when they share their stories of heartbreak.  Everyone shares everything with me and in turn, I openly share with them.

And in these exchanges, I am eternally grateful that a bullied kid from a small town in Newfoundland grew up to be blessed, privileged and honored to have the opportunity to share with so many amazing people. Many of these conversations are forever preserved in my journals.

In these exchanges begins shared soul journeys. Some journeys are meant to last a couple of minutes. Some are meant to last a lifetime (or beyond). But every exchange changes both of us forever.

Regardless of duration and purpose, I see every exchange as an incredible gift for which I am eternally grateful.

When I reflected further on M.'s observation, this quote came to mind from a book I read years ago. 

In the book, I Am an Impure Thinker, German social philosopher Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy wrote:

I am an impure thinker. I am hurt, swayed, shaken, elated, disillusioned, shocked, comforted, and I have to transmit my mental experiences lest I die. And although I may die. To write a book is no luxury. It is a means of survival.

Substitute "write a book" with "serve and lift those who struggle" and you understand me.

In the forward of this book, W.H. Auden wrote:

Whatever he may have to say about God, Man, the World, Time, etc, Rosenstock-Huessy always starts from his own experience as a human being, who must pass through successive stages between birth and death, learning something essential from each of them. 

THAT is my experience when I encounter every person's journey, including yours. I'm doing my best to learn from others in order to improve myself and to share with others, with the intention of somehow making someone's day better. 

What I get right, I attribute to others, including a Higher Authority.

What I get wrong is entirely due to my own errors in judgement and execution.

I'm an imperfect human, after all.

I am making my way through Life as an imperfect work in progress. I wonder if my intention to serve others and the actions of the people I am privileged to collaborate with and learn from will contribute to my Path of healing also.

There are no words of gratitude that can sufficiently describe such a powerful exchange.

I will have to settle for thank you ... for now.

A Final Thought on Justice and a Book Recommendation

My first boss and mentor, Paul J. Johnson (PJ to us), once distributed a desk plaque to team members with the following simple words:

    Do the right thing, the right way, right now.

John Ruskin had an even shorter version of this powerful message. The stone on his desk had this message carved into it:

    Today

Over the course of my years of saying "yes", I have stared down death a number of times. Well, stared down sounds like big hero stuff. Despite multiple airplane accidents, stage 4 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and a myriad of other challenges, I am still here.

I didn't look death in the eye and win against all odds in some amazing Hero's Journey bullshit story. Something of a Higher Authority with far more power than my meager abilities as a human being decided that it wasn't time for me to leave yet.

That being said, despite the claims by many people of the importance of "fill in the blank", I have always believed that the greatest gift we have is the gift of time.

From the moment we are born, we commence the process of dying. We don't know how much time we have been given, we don't know how much we have left, and any time spent can never be recovered. Some theories and practices such as time bending and such exist (I use these where I can), but we still have a best-before date stamped on us in invisible ink.

At some point, the next post I write will be my last. The latte I am enjoying will be the last one I will savor. My handshakes or hugs that I share with family, friends or colleagues will be my last expressions of respect and love. The texts (one of 40,000 in and out per month) will be the last of the deluge of crazy information that I overload people with and that I am privileged to receive.

The next person I help who is in trouble may be the last one.

If we understand this, doesn't it make sense that we would want to do as much as we can with the time we have left?

In Ryan Holiday's amazing book Right Thing, Right Now, his book concludes with this request of us:

Lift is short

Be good. Do good.

Love and be loved.

Try to leave the place better than you found it.

Do the right thing.

Right now. 

I can hear PJ telling me this.

I can picture Ruskin exhorting his colleagues to do this.

I remember when mentors like Richard Giordanella and others, men far greater than I, told me to lead fiercely with my heart and never back down when faced with difficulty, challenge or ignorance.

And so here I stand in the service of others, unflinching and unapologetic.

Can we count on you to understand why people serve others with unselfish courage, and more importantly, can we count on you to do the right thing the right way, right now for others?

They're ready and waiting for you.

Motives and Perceptions - Some Funny Stories

Some years ago, I helped a senior government official with some serious threats against her personal and professional well-being. Other government officials, who were responsible for the heinous acts that would have been considered illegal in the civilian world, were scratching their heads and wondering "Why would someone who is a stranger to her help her so tenaciously?"

They came to one of two conclusions:

The first was that I must have been sleeping with her. The reality that they didn't know was that she and I had never met. All these years later, we still have never met, even though sometimes we have found ourselves in the same city as we did this week.

The second conclusion was that I probably had an ulterior benefit that I was driving towards, needing her to reciprocate with some gift of power or other such thing.

I never asked anything of her. 

I don't ask anything of anybody. 

Ever.

But I always welcome people who step up beside me to serve others.

I digress.

When neither of these ulterior motives to help her panned out, people looked for skeletons in my closet with the hope of exerting some kind of leverage against me so that I could be forced go away.

When they couldn't find anything of interest, they concluded that I didn't exist. It took some convincing by colleagues in common that I actually existed, and had even sat in meetings with them.

Despite the noise, I persisted until justice was served.

Also years ago, I was helping some people in a municipality in Alberta. I was asked to make a presentation on a Friday afternoon. After the presentation concluded, I sent a four-line email to the attendees thanking them for their time.

On Monday morning, I had a complaint filed against me by one of the attendees.

What was the nature of the complaint?  A senior official, who I later found out had been demoted in a serious debacle the year before, was suggesting that anyone in IT who thanks people must be up to something. Apparently "there is no politeness in the IT industry" and that expressions of gratitude must cease immediately to avoid arousing suspicion.

She was also demanding that I be punished for saying thank you. Being stunned by the ignorance, and also being a bit of a jerk in the face of ignorance, I replied to my contact coordinator that I needed to know the exact conditions under which I should say thank you or say nothing. What should my quota of thank-you's be per week? What followed is not important here. All I can say is that it is funny how easily people get offended when their misbehavior is reflected back to them. :-)

I feel very sad for the "reality" that this woman and others are creating for themselves.

I also feel sad for the reality that they are surviving in.

The book A Course in Miracles discusses how our minds create our reality. 

I feel doubly sad that the "reality" that they are creating not only hurts themselves but it hurts others as well.

But my sadness doesn't serve those who struggle.

Action does.

The Songs

Two powerful songs that don't need a preamble ..... enjoy!

Addendum: Fun "Coincidences" - September 15, 2024

After I published this post, I was reading my daily meditations in 365 Tao: Daily Meditations when I realized that the topic of today is "Bridges" (day #259).

Here is the excerpt that struck me:

Bridges

Dream arch shimmers in storm clouds:

Bridge between heaven and earth

Its entrance is hard to find.

In legends, they say that the rainbow is the bridge between heaven and earth.

Think how difficult it is to walk this bridge. Not only does it appear very seldom, but we cannot easily find it. It seems to be just at the horizon, but the more we go toward it, the more it eludes us. To find its end, to even stand at its base and contemplate the dizzying heights that must hover over its high arch is even more impossible. If we were to stumble upon the sacred path, could we be light enough and pure enough to walk its raindrop surface to the embraces of gods?

And here is my reaction when I read it:

I don't believe in coincidences.

But I won't diminish this by attempting to analyze it with a mind contaminated by ego.

I just find it interesting. :-)

At the same time, Love Will Turn You Around by Kenny Rogers was playing over the speakers at Starbucks and this verse stood out as I reflected on my journey.

Right when a man's doin' all that he planned

And he thinks he's got just what he needs

Life will deliver a shock that will shiver

And drivin' him down to his knees

Make him start givin', livin'

Livin' again - Love Will Turn You Around - Kenny Rogers

I won't analyze this either.

But I did find it interesting! 

Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." - Khalil Gibran

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse 

 Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 10 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

"To everything turn, turn, turn

There is a season turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under Heaven" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"That's quite the list", a voice said breaking the silence in the room.

I turned towards the source of the observation. My therapist was staring at the whiteboard on his office wall.

I looked back towards the whiteboard. Most people prefer their therapy take place from the comfort of the classic chair or couch. My therapy sessions have centered around my place of comfort - a place that evolved after decades in the business world of Wall St. and elsewhere.

The whiteboard.

We were revisiting the ways I could have died in years gone by (the list can be found in the post Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness).

"Of all the ways you could have died against your choice or will", my therapist began, "you survived them all and then almost took your own Life."

I shrugged but said nothing, fighting a tinge of shame that still lurked somewhere in my subconscious. I am betrayed by my eyes, misting as I think about the result that I had missed by seconds.

"A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

"How do you feel today?" he asked.

"Stronger", I replied quietly, "Better. Grateful. Blessed. Other things that are difficult to describe. I still have difficult moments though."

My therapist nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you remember when we listed the physical injuries you have sustained in your Life?" he asked.

I nodded as my mind replayed the list quietly.

• Broken feet - both, multiple times.
• Broken hands - both.
• Broken ribs.
• Broken lower back.
• Fused vertebrae in my neck from an unknown injury.
• Broken collarbone - three times.
• Ruptured calves - both.
• Torn hamstrings - both, multiple times.
• Torn quads - both, multiple times.
• Torn adductors - both.
• Torn rotators - both, multiple times.
• Fractured skull.
• Level 3 concussion - not related to the skull fracture.

All from separate accidents, and yet I was blessed that none of them created chronic issues after they had healed.

I reached up as if by habit, and mindlessly rubbed the spot where I had fractured my skull in an office in NYC.

"What do you feel when you rub that spot?" he asked.

"I feel the lump where my skull repaired itself", I replied. "The bone is now thicker there than elsewhere on my head."

"The body is a miracle", my therapist replied. "Your skull is now much stronger in the area where it repaired itself."

"Your mind has the same ability to be stronger after an injury", he added. "What do you think of this?"

"I'm not sure", I replied. "Sometimes I still feel vulnerable."

"That's normal", he replied. "It will take a while for your mind to completely heal."

He began flipping through his notes.

"Shortly after you began seeing me", he continued, "I asked you what you thought about the people around you after you almost took your Life. Do you remember?"

"Yes", I replied, "I divided my world into three groups of people."

"Go on", he said.

"Well", I began, "There were the people who supported me after I almost took my Life. There were those who abandoned me - angry with me, ashamed of me or disappointed in me."

I paused.

"They saw me as weak", I said. "Some people even celebrated the fall of someone like me. Although when they see me in public now, they avoid eye contact with me."

I paused again, reflecting on the pain that thought brought me.

"And there were the people who I thought contributed to me making my decision to take my Life", I said quietly.

"A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

There was silence in the room. 

"Now how do you see those people?" he asked.

"I imagine their early beginnings", I said quietly, "their childhoods, their struggles, their pain, their needs - their journey."

My eyes misted again.

"And I feel compassion for them", I said, "All of them. I feel love for them."

My therapist nodded.

"We discussed the story The Egg some time ago", he offered. "That we are potentially one soul spread across many physical bodies."

"Yes", I replied. "I still struggle with that."

"Go on", he encouraged.

"In my line of work, I saw photos of decapitated children", I began, "and photos of women who had been raped then set on fire. I've worked on algorithms that predict the end of the world in horrific, human-caused ways. Other things. You know - all the "fun stuff " that people like to pretend doesn't exist."

I paused, feeling anger stirring.

"And it made me angry and afraid for humanity", I continued.

"I feel your anger", he said. "Welcome it. Ask it what it wants to teach you."

"Well", I began, "I struggle with offering unconditional love to people who need to be held accountable for their actions that hurt others."

I paused before continuing.

"I have put people in jail", I replied. "I have the opportunity to put dangerous people in jail as we speak. I defend people against violent, broken people. How can I do this and still love evil people unconditionally?"

"Love the sinner but punish the sin", he replied.

"Clichés irritate me", I replied tartly.

"Is it the cliché or the truth buried in it that irritates you?" he asked.

I shrugged but offered no reply.

"Back to your anger", he continued. "What is it saying to you now?"

"A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

I looked at him.

"It tells me that acts of evil cannot be allowed to stand", I replied. "That no matter how much unconditional love I can offer people, there will always be evil in the world that needs to be dealt with."

I paused.

"Maybe you need to see the evil in a different way", he offered.

"Perhaps", he continued, "when you punish evil you can find alternatives to dealing with it that you might not have considered before. Maybe love will contribute to new solutions or approaches for you."

"How so?" I replied.

"It depends on your beliefs, I guess", he continued. "You are obviously sharing love with the victims by defending and protecting them. But maybe you are correcting the karma of the perceived evildoer, and in doing so, offering healing and love to them."

He paused.

"Perhaps you are freeing them from past sins", he continued, "and offering a better future either in this Life or the next."

I frowned in thought but said nothing.

"And besides", he offered, "can you offer unconditional love to everyone and still allow people to be hurt? Is it possible that instead of looking at this as punishing evildoers that you are in fact helping them?"

"Maybe", I replied.

He flipped through his notes in silence.

"On a similar but different note", he began, "you told me that you now accept that every person you encounter teaches you something."

"Yes", I replied. "I believe that to be true."

"Tell me more", he said.

"I used to feel grateful primarily for the people who helped me or who created great memories for me", I said. "But I now realize that the people who I have had struggles with are the ones who have helped me grow the most."

"In fact", I continued, "there was a time when I would have told some people who hurt me to go fuck themselves. I had it within my ability to really hurt them with minimal effort on my part."

"And", I said wryly, "I might have been pretty quick about it for some people. My wounded inner child could be swiftly vindictive when it wanted to be."

"Now", I added quietly, "I would say thank you for what they have taught me - for helping me to grow and become a better person. I would tell them that they bring my weaknesses and mistakes out in the open to help me become a better person."

"They were preparing me for a greater Purpose, I said, "but I resisted everything instead of being open to the transformation that their actions offered me."

"A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rain, a time of sow

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late" - Turn Turn Turn - The Byrds

My therapist nodded.

"So", he said, "You survived a spontaneous desire to take your own Life, not because of depression, but because of an occurrence of severe emotional flooding. You're not on medication, and I don't think you need to be at this time. Your inner child feels loved and affirmed for the first time in his Life without the need for damaging behavior or thoughts on his part. You see the role of others in helping you grow."

He paused.

"You also had the courage to share your journey with others who are having difficulty with Life", he said. "That took a lot of guts."

"Maybe I didn't care what people thought", I replied.

"You know that's not true", he said sternly. "While in many ways you have told people in the past that you don't care, you have a gentle heart that can be wounded pretty easily. I posit that you have one of the gentlest hearts I have ever seen."

He paused.

"More easily than you would admit", he added, "Even to yourself."

I let him continue.

"I know you did this to offer hope to others", he said gently. "I remember what you told me about your thoughts about people who struggle."

"Yes", I said. "It bothers me when people are in pain, are afraid or are alone. Whenever I become aware that someone has died, I always say a prayer, hoping that none of those conditions were true for them."

"And so your sharing has always been with those things in mind", he said.

"Maybe", I replied, "But I'm thinking that I have shared enough for now. Thousands of people have written to me to either thank me for helping them, or for having the courage to get the word out that there is a light at the end of the tunnel."

I paused.

"And it's not a train", I said.

"Or a bus", he said, gently referring to the way I almost took my Life.

"I will always defend people in trouble", I said. "No matter how much I embrace the concept of unconditional love and understanding, I will never allow people to come to harm in any way if I can help it. It's often a thankless job but I do it because I believe I am required to take action if I am able to."

"If you ever knowingly allowed someone to come to harm", he replied, "I would be shocked. But I suspect I wouldn't be as disappointed in you as you would be in yourself."

For a moment I reflected on past conversations about being my own worst critic.

"Changing the subject", I said, "An important person in my Life told me today that she felt I was transforming into Kwai Chang Caine."

"Ah yes", he said, "The protagonist in the old Kung Fu series. It fits you quite nicely!"

"It does?" I asked.

"A man who overcomes obstacles throughout his Life and emerges as someone whose heart is committed to defending others and dedicates his Life to lifting and serving them", he said. "And besides, how many people have the ability to defend people like you do."

I shrugged.

"Or the courage", he said, "You have accumulated over 100 death threats over the years defending others. Many people who talk the talk don't dare walk that walk!"

"I do, however, think that there will be a lot more love and gratitude behind your efforts moving forward", he added.

"I'm a work in progress", I replied. "I'm doing my best."

"Aren't we all", he laughed, then paused.

"I'm reducing the number of sessions per week that you see me", he said. "What will you do with less homework and more time?"

"Well", I replied. "I have a lot of things in the works."

"Uh oh", he said, "is this the overworked Harry coming back?"

"Not at all", I protested lightly. "I have a brief solo trip coming up for reflection and journaling where I plan to revisit places that are a source of gratitude or pain for me. My intent is to embrace or neutralize different energies that still originate from them."

"Excellent", he exclaimed.

"I have also decided to walk the steps of my ancestors from the last 350 years", I added. "I expect that trip to take between one and two years. It will be a mix of solo journeys and having people important to me joining in at specific points along the way."

"Wow", he replied, "I don't know anyone who is doing this!"

"And", I continued, "The manifestation of my new healing ranch will gear up once I have finished some personal housecleaning."

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" he said.

"Don't worry", I laughed, "I'm just the catalyst for this. I'm going to enable people who are much more knowledgeable about things than I am. I'm the enabler - not the do'er."

I paused.

"You saved my Life", I said, my eyes misting, "I don't know where to start with thank-you's."

"Well", he said, "Not only was it my privilege, but you sharing our sessions saved the lives of others and inspired many. The future you have in mind for others is inspiring in itself."

"Everyone is worth saving", he added.

"I know", I replied. "Little Harry thinks so also."

To be continued.

With love, 

Harry

---

Thoughts on Kwai Chang Caine

In an exchange today with someone very important to me, we noodled over the idea that unconditional love should not be confused with the principle of "turning the other cheek".

While "turn the other cheek" has multiple theological meanings that I won't get into here, I have witnessed people who believe that offering unconditional love means that you passively submit to violence, abuse and the like, because to do anything else is counter to unconditional love. 

To them, it means they should be a doormat to miscreants - offering zero resistance - and in doing so, strengthening the power and authority of people who believe it is their right to control, manipulate or hurt others. 

By way of challenging people who confuse the two concepts, I offer a number of scenarios to test their premise. 

Here is one of them.

You're walking down a dark alley with someone important (maybe it's a child) and suddenly someone seizes the child and threatens to throttle them. There is a knife on the ground. Are you going to pick up the knife and save the child, or are you going to offer unconditional love to the assailant as the Life is squeezed out of the child?

If you choose the second option, you are either lying or misguided.

There is a similar scenario that I have used in work presentations that demonstrates how to obtain access to an aircraft cockpit even though the door is supposedly locked for our safety.

Denial of human primal wiring is a recipe to get the wrong people hurt. 

The people who confuse unconditional love with turning the other cheek actually contribute to the problems in our world when they refuse to stand up to trouble. While unconditional love and understanding can lessen or solve many problems, there are situations when it will be completely ineffective or exceptionally harmful.

What we don't oppose, we often condone by default.

That's not to say that unconditional love in some situations shouldn't be an initial strategy in resolving issues. However, there are times when realities call upon us to resort to more aggressive strategies in response to some situations.

When thinking of Caine's character in the Kung Fu series, he never threw "the first punch". He preferred to talk his way out of problems or to redirect or sidestep attacks directed towards him. When forced however, he was able and willing to physically defend himself and others but did so in a minimalist way commensurate with the threat at hand.

If unconditional love and pacificism become confusingly intertwined, how will we defend those without a voice - those who are oppressed, or those who are being crushed by the ignorant?

As the Freemasons say, "Who will defend the widow and the orphan?"

In four out of five times I was mugged in NYC, I was attacked first. Laying down and taking it or sending waves of unconditional love to my assailant might have gotten me killed. In the fifth incident, I talked my way out of it, saving the lives of people who were looking for trouble and the person who was with me.

So unconditional love gives us the opportunity to find better solutions but it is one of several options.

Unconditional love reminds us to be humble when dealing with others and to spare judgement unless more severe action is warranted. It guides our responses but it never restricts them.

Thoughts on The Egg

The Egg is an intriguing story. I offer it here with no analysis (but your thoughts are always welcome).

The Egg.

Closing Thoughts on this Series

My therapy sessions are recorded. I have transcribed some of them for publication in this series.

My Life journey has been rich with moments of enlightenment and intense pain over the years. But is this not the journey for most of us?

I have worked on end-of-world scenarios in my profession for years. It has wounded and empowered me in many ways. It has also colored how I see everything, both to my benefit and my detriment. It contributed to taking me right to the edge of Life and almost death. I am hoping now that it helps me serve others in a better way.

People who know me know that music is an important part of my Life. I recently heard that when we're in our twenties or thirties, we listen to the music, and when we are in our forties and fifties, we listen to the lyrics.

Some songs catch me off guard these days. On a walk alone one day this week, a song snared my brain and temporarily paralyzed me. I heard this song a lot when I was in my twenties and didn't care. It means a lot more to me in my fifties. Here is Wasted on the Way by Crosby, Stills and Nash.

There are people out there who suggested that this series was my way of saying goodbye to the world. I can say without reservation that this is not the case.

I shared my journey with the intent to offer people hope that there is light out there. I know many publicly confident people who struggle intensely in private. There are many who tell great myths about self-made success whom I have helped when they thought they couldn't go forward. My hope is that at some point, they will embrace a more authentic Life.

For you, my readers, I am extremely grateful for your compassion and love as I explored this facet of my Life. It wasn't easy for me to share. I suspect that this will be a work-in-progress until my end of days has arrived. If you have gleaned anything of value from this series, then my musings have accomplished their purpose.

For the people who were there unconditionally for me as I climbed back from the precipice, I have no words that can adequately express my gratitude. You know who you are. You know what we will accomplish in the future as we move forward in unconditional love. Let my actions born of gratitude speak so loudly that they become louder than what I'm saying.

For the people who helped me to find the real me - thank you. The rest of my Life will be richer because of it. The Life of those whom I encounter will be richer also. Your impact on others through me will be your legacy.

For those of you who are "disappointed" in my demonstration of "weakness" in sharing this story or thinking about taking my Life, my prayer for you is that you and your loved ones will never experience what I did. If you do, call me. I will be there for you.

For those who for spite, envy, or other reasons, reveled in my fall, I may disappoint you when I tell you that I have arisen from the ashes stronger than ever. I offer you the earnest wish that you may encounter Blessings in your Life. If you ever run into trouble, I will show you what unconditional love looks like.

For those who hurt others, I will still be an unpleasant presence in your Life. It's my calling for which I make no apology. I hope we will both be better for the interaction.

My journey, including therapy, self discovery, personal growth, and service to others continues.

Thank you for sharing this part of the journey with me.

I am ever grateful to you.

As for this entire blog, I have shared a lot of opinions and warnings in it over the years. Much of the content includes things that I am now unhappy for having written. I leave it for others to read, learn from, or judge me for. I will return to it when I have something worthy of your time to read.

I would like to leave you with two of my favorite quotes.

When it comes to navigating pain in Life:

"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears." - Indigenous American proverb

When it comes to being called to do the right thing:

"Let my heart be broken by that which breaks the heart of God." - Bob Pierce (whatever you define God to be)

With love,

Harry

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love, and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 10 and is the final installment describing my journey.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

Turn, Turn, Turn is a beautiful song based on the Biblical book Ecclesiastes. Here is the timeless classic.

Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." - Marcus Tullius Cicero

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." - Albert Schweitzer

"Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world." - John Milton

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 9 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

Thank you for being a friend

Traveled down a road and back again

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

My therapy session started as most of them do. 

My therapist uses a number of different techniques to loosen up my mind before the session starts. Today he used yarrow stalks to cast an I Ching reading. For those who are not familiar with the use of I Ching, I invite you to explore it here.

Today's I Ching result was hexagram 15, interpreted as "humility" or "authenticity". If you are interested, here are some interpretations of this hexagram.

• Cafe au Soul 
• Divination Foundation
• Mothering Change

As he named the hexagram, but before we began to analyze it, he said quickly, "First word that comes to mind."

"Gratitude", popped out of my mouth before I had a chance to reflect.

Gratitude has always been important to me.

People who don't know me well are not familiar with how I started in this world. My parents were married in April and I was born in August. The primary house I lived in until I was seven years of age is shown below.

It had no running water. Our commode was a white enameled pail, and potable water was drawn from a well. The three kids that started here grew up to become a Wall St. strategy guy, a pediatric oncologist in palliative care and an engineer respectively.

In my career, success has come and gone and come again as it does for many who know the thrilling and terrifying cycles of entrepreneurship. Anyone who accompanies entrepreneurs like me deserve a medal of courage as we experience dizzying heights of success and the terrifying darkness of complexity. Many of us have a mantra - "Never look down". Most of the people around us can't resist a peak, and are often terrified of how high the tightwire really is.

If you had told me when I was young that I was destined to live the Life that I ultimately lived, I would have thought you had lost your mind.

As my therapist and I discussed my Life journey today, I was overcome with emotion.

"What are you feeling?" he asked gently.

"I don't know how all of this happened", I replied.

I'm not ashamed to say

I hope it always will stay this way

My hat is off, won't you stand up and take a bow - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

"Let's break down your journey", he said.

My mother always read to my siblings and I with the limited books we had. 

Mrs. Rowe, an early elementary school teacher, fed my insatiable thirst for reading by providing me with more books than I could ever have dreamt of. She asked me a lot of questions about them to make sure that I understood what I was reading.

When I was ten years old, my first librarian allowed me to take out eight books at a time when the limit per person was two.

My dad was strong in mathematics and always helped me with math homework.

Mr. Morgan, my high school geometry and trigonometry teacher, took that math foundation and set it on fire, filling me with a love of mathematics, logic and critical thinking. 

When I found out that he also purchased clothing for kids who couldn't afford their own in the cold winter months, the seeds were planted in me for a future of service. I later learned that he caught a lot of flack from other teachers, and the school system itself, for doing this.

My therapist and I moved from my early childhood years to my career.

Without exception, every significant success in my Life came "by accident". I say "by accident" even though I do not believe in accidents or coincidences. There was no grand strategy in play on my part. There was no masterful, cunning execution by an aggressive (assertive), "brilliant", decisive alpha male.

Everything significant came to me without any intention, desire or action on my part.

My inner child ever needing to be affirmed, said "yes" to practically every opportunity that arrived. Saying "yes" to so many things led to an amazing, Blessed career and Life.  

Saying "yes" to so many things also led to complexity. Relationships are hard to maintain and family time is hard to come by when you're flying at a million miles an hour. People who have come along for the ride often live in terror (remember - don't look down), and then wondered how the hell things fell into place when they were given the time to do so. People who bailed prematurely often missed out on the "harvest". I don't blame them. I would not have had the courage to follow me on the ride either.

And then there were the other things that happened. 

I survived stage four, three-month-terminal cancer, diagnosed in March of 1996. 

I have survived five airplane "incidents": two RPM governance failures on takeoff, a structural integrity compromise during heavy turbulence, a sudden depressurization at cruising altitude and a near mid-air collision on final as I flew into Toronto.

I split my bicycle helmet when I went over my handlebars at 50 km. per hour.

I have had three near lightning strikes (within 25 feet of me each time).

I was mugged five times in NYC. My martial arts background got a little exercise: two were unconscious before they hit the ground (they swung first), two were knocked to the ground and I talked my way out of the fifth incident.

I was stabbed in the side by a man with dementia while waiting for a subway train in Toronto.

I was knocked out by a guy who drove past me from behind with a long piece of lumber sticking out of his car window. At the moment just before the lumber struck me, I thought I heard someone yell "Look out" in my ear. The command caused me to jump and the lumber struck me across the shoulder blades instead of my neck. Interestingly, the witness driving behind the car in question thought I jumped because of the flash by my head that he saw. EMS told me I should have been killed.

What do you think of guardian angels?

The list of things that I have survived is much longer than this. 

The point that became clear to me as my therapist and I went through all of this was that I cannot claim to have had any role in anything significant in my Life.

At all.

God, the Source, a Higher Authority, Goddess, or however you define "something greater than we are", clearly had a major hand in many of the significant events in my Life.

As for the rest, I am nothing without the people who have been in my Life. 

And if you threw a party

Invited everyone you knew

Well, you would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

Thank you for being a friend - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

As Newton once said:

"If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."

Where to start ...

My family. Say no more. Being with an entrepreneur is not easy. I wouldn't have had the courage to be with an entrepreneur like me.

The amazing friends that I have, who I would stack up against any group of friends anywhere for their intellect, their wisdom, their love and their support. How I have deserved to be blessed by them still escapes me.

The mentors who took the time from their busy lives to guide me. They didn't need to. My drive for service is in part my way of saying thank you to them. My inner child, in its need to be recognized, pushed this desire to unhealthy levels.

The people who showed up serendipitously over the years just when I needed them, and waded in to help me unconditionally with whatever I needed help with, are living angels. Some came and stayed. Some stayed for a while and moved on. Their significant impact on me is not dependent on the amount of time we spent together. The fact that we connected matters to me.

The business colleagues whom I have been blessed to forge new paths with are heroes of courage, audacity and perseverance.

The new friends I have made after I survived an attempt to take my own Life. Their offering of wisdom and unconditional love and support as I navigated early shame, confusion and weakness, is something that is transforming me.

The random people whom I encounter every day, either as "that Starbucks guy who always sits at the same table with a mountain of books" or wherever I am blessed to encounter you. You bring light to my day.

The people I have been in relationships with over the years. The list is not long but it sure is quality-filled. I am a better human being because of every one of you.

But as my therapist and I reflected on what I referred to as "the whole smash", there was another group of people who are equally important.

We all know people like the people on this list. They are the people that disagreed with me, fought with me or pissed me off. Some were the people who fired the first shot in many conflagrations. Some were the people who were defending themselves when I fired the first shot. There were the ones who thought they were right in their action.  There were some whom I knew were wrong and deserved whatever they got. 

So I thought.

There were the ones that wounded me or were wounded by me. Sometimes the action was accidental. Sometimes it was on purpose. 

There were the ones who weren't patient with me while I did ten million things at once. It seemed a normal way of living for me while it was frustrating or terrifying to them. However, their perception is their reality. I should have seen their side of it more often.

Today, I realized it didn't matter.

Many of us spend so much time and energy trying to keep score from the past that we lose sight of how to live for the future.

Or, we prevent others from living the future they deserve. throwing obstacles in their path as if we have the karmic authority to judge the sins of others while conveniently overlooking our own. 

In doing so, we violate a simple precept as expressed in this ancient Chinese nugget:

Those who seek revenge dig two graves.

When my therapist and I were finished analyzing all of this today, he gave me some important homework.

I was tasked with the job of cultivating maitri within me. Maitri is the Buddhist philosophy of "placing our fearful mind in the cradle of loving-kindness".  Acts of maitri must be offered free of attachment and thoughts of self-interest.

When cultivating maitri, one must express gratitude to seven circles of people. The circles, from the inner one closest to you to the one furthest from you, are:

• Ourselves (not as easily done as one thinks).
• Family.
• Friends.
• Neutral people (the random strangers we meet on a daily basis or who create products and services that we consume but whom we will never meet).
• People who have hurt us (or whom we have hurt - including the people who really piss you off or whom we have pissed off).
• All of the above as a group (embracing everyone as a group removes imagined barriers between them).
• Everyone through time and space.

If we are honest with ourselves, we are nothing without everyone. 

Everyone.

I once led an exercise with a group of people where we were able to establish that the modest bagel with cream cheese before each of us touched thousands of people. From farmers to bakers to delivery people and everyone in between, it took all those hearts and hands so that we could enjoy such a modest food item.

If it's a car you lack

I'd surely buy you a Cadillac

Whatever you need, any time of the day or night - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

But I wonder if the people who have hurt us intentionally or accidentally, are responsible for revealing the most about us to ourselves. 

I wonder if our greatest leaps in self-discovery and behavior correction are due in large part to that group of people.

It's true that we could never thrive without strong family, great friends, amazing coworkers and the neutral people in our lives.

But what about the people we see as difficult or impossible to be grateful for, either through their actions or the embarrassment of our choices?

Do they not deserve gratitude as well?

I posit that in some cases they deserve the most gratitude of all. 

They are most likely to be the best mirror that reflects back to us who we are, who we think we are and who we would like to be.

Maybe, through interactions and explosions, misunderstandings and attempts to wound, they have contributed to the person that we are today.

Or maybe at some point, they put us on the path to be that person?

Do you know of such a person?

And when we both get older

With walking canes and hair of gray

Have no fear, even though it's hard to hear

I will stand real close and say

Thank you for being a friend (I wanna thank you) - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

One other thought on those people. 

If we examine their inner child and understand the experiences that those people witnessed and endured, I believe it is highly likely that we will feel compassion for their Life, past and present. 

Maybe even unconditional love.

And if we can reach that understanding, maybe we will find it even easier to thank them for who they are in our Life.

I've spent a good part of yesterday and today reaching out to people to express my gratitude for them.

In part, it is to fulfill my therapist's homework request.

But the reality is that my heart needs to do this.

The list is long. If I haven't gotten to you yet, don't sweat it. I'm getting there!

If you are in "that special list", you may be shocked or surprised when you receive my expression of gratitude.

You may be angered by it.

You may be grateful for it.

It's from my heart. There is no reply necessary.

Wherever you are in my maitri list, you have all made my Life better, and for that I am eternally grateful to you.

My successes are entirely due to you and a Higher Authority. You are the giants on whose shoulders I stand, in gratitude, awe and wonder.

My mistakes and failures are my own.

Please be patient with me. 

I'm a work-in-progress.

And when we die and float away

Into the night, the Milky Way

You'll hear me call as we ascend

I'll see you there, then once again - Thank You for Being a Friend - Andrew Gold

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to schoolmate and Master Warrant Officer (retired), Charles "Charlie" Mercer. He passed away suddenly in 2020. Chris is remembered as a guy who would do anything for anyone in need. He was also someone who could be counted on for some fun shenanigans! I salute your service, your memory, and the people who miss you, Charlie.

---

Long Distance Dedication

I wanted to name names in this post when I wrote it. The people whom I am proud to know as friends (or better) in my Life deserve to be identified for the incredible people that they are in my Life and in the lives of others.

To do this would require permissions to be requested from a lot of very humble people.

You know who you are. 

I am indebted to you.

As for the people in my past who are no longer with us, I can name them and then live in worry that I left out an important person.

They know who they are as well - wherever they are.

But I will dare to name a few of them who appeared in my Life at pivotal moments and who transformed me for the better:

• Margaret Rowe - elementary school, grades 1-3
• Newton B. Morgan - high school, grades 9-11
• Paul J. Johnson - my first boss and mentor
• Gerald Weinberg - my second mentor (long distance)
• Richard Giordanella - who taught me that one can lead with one's heart even on Wall St. (a dedication within a dedication - Chris de Burgh's Snows of New York )
• Colonel Robert M. Johnston - former father-in-law, mentor, colleague and friend, who liked to scare me with stories about nuclear war and alien technology at Wright Patterson AFB while we soaked in his hot tub or played billiards
• Kareen Tucker - my former wife, who "passed away suddenly" in 2018
• Bonita "Bonnie" Petten - defended me in school from bullies and "passed away suddenly" in 2010
• Doug Picirillo - a great friend, mentor and colleague
• Eric Bennett - a great friend and colleague who was lost in the World Trade Center
• Narender Nath - a dear friend and team member who was lost in the World Trade Center 
• Stephen J. Fiorelli - a great friend and neighbor who was lost in the World Trade Center

I will see you again and thank you for what you did for me!

Thoughts on Gratitude and Compassion

While my post is about gratitude, I think unconditional gratitude requires compassion, so that the heart-connection can fully blossom.

Pema Chödrön, in her book, The Places That Scare You, says this about compassion (in conjunction with loving-kindness):

We use the same seven-step aspiration practice to soften our hearts and also to become more honest and forgiving about how and when we shut down. Without justifying or condemning ourselves, we do the courageous work of opening up to suffering. This can be the pain that comes when we put up barriers or the pain of opening our hearts to our own sorrow or that of another being. We learn as much about doing this from our failures as we do from our successes.

In cultivating compassion we draw from the wholeness of our experience - our suffering, our empathy, as well as cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. 

An area where I really need to grow is in the area of people who are often the easiest to judge and to hate - specifically those whom we label as criminals, terrorists, and the like.

As I noted earlier, when one digs deeply to understand the inner child within those individuals, we can see how that person was created and how we should feel compassion for them. We could have gone down the same path more easily than we realize.

However, compassion for such people should not prevent us from administering punishment or incarceration where warranted. It should also not blind us to the reality that many will commit other crimes if they are not prevented from doing so.

Judging the sin while not judging the sinner is a complex beast. 

Unconditional love, gratitude and compassion is not easy.

But they say that the most difficult things in Life are the ones most worthy of our efforts and aspirations. 

What do you think?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 9.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

The Song

The 1970s produced many great songs. Andrew Gold's Thank You for Being a Friend is no exception.

Life: The Significance of the Insignificant

“Most of us aren't defeated in one decisive battle. We are defeated one tiny, seemingly insignificant surrender at a time that chips away at who we should really be." - Jocko Willink

"Everybody's life has these moments, where one thing leads to another. Some are big and obvious and some are small and seemingly insignificant." - Peter Jackson

"There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Warning: 

This post contains disturbing content regarding suicide. The content may not be suitable for all readers. 

Part 8 of my personal mental health journey continues .... 

---

When your day is long

And the night, the night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough

Of this life, well hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries - Everybody Hurts - REM

I'm sitting in my therapist's office listening to my voice emanating from the recording of my hypnotherapy session. Under hypnosis I am reliving the day I nearly took my Life.

If you have ever heard a recording of your voice from a hypnotherapy session, you know how strange it feels. It's your voice and yet, there is a strange disconnect as you hear yourself describing things that are fuzzy in your memory. Or forgotten altogether.

"What do you think of your thoughts leading up to the moment you almost took your Life?" my therapist asked.

"None of them were significant", I said quietly as I looked at my notes.

"In fact", I added, "In retrospect, they seem to be pretty trite things to give up a Life over."

"That's because you are looking at them individually", he replied, "instead of looking at the totality of them. Let's explore this."

He walked over to his office whiteboard and began to list things leading up to my event.

"I know you like space launches and such", he said as he consulted his notes. "Let's write your key thoughts and events down in the form of a countdown." 

On the upper left side of the whiteboard, he wrote, "Fueling - Launch Week Minus 1" and underlined it. Underneath that, he wrote "In no particular order".

He continued writing on the whiteboard.

- "A couple of very important personal relationships explode without warning and the blowback affects others. There are escalations that stretch my brain, and I am wounded by the unexpected outcomes. One in particular alerts me that my family might be in danger." (Reader note: The feeling of danger was perceived to be a legitimate reaction at the moment. Working through things with my therapist has given me a better understanding of the incident. Now I feel empathy for the individuals and have expressed a desire for forgiveness to them for the events that led up to the incident.)

- "My meeting about completing a company acquisition that should have taken three months to complete but took eight years instead, is frustrating. I am carrying the entire company, which is draining me in many ways. I don't know how much longer I can do this."

- "My weekly meeting with the client includes reviewing pictures of human remains. They think it's motivational. I've been doing it for some years and wonder why I'm not reacting to them like I used to. I threw up the first time I saw them years ago. Now I look at them with indifference. Most times."

- "My mobile bill shows that I send and receive 45,000 SMS per month. I have started to keep my phone muted because the chime of an arriving message on my phone, or someone else's, makes me feel anxious instantly."  

- "Lab work indicates that my white blood cell count is of concern. I'm a stage 4 cancer survivor. I can't go through this again."

"My memory has been off for the last few weeks. Should I tell my doctor?"

He pauses and looks at me.

"That's a typical week for me", I protested as I scanned the list.

Sometimes everything is wrong

Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go (hold on)

If you think you've had too much

Of this life, well hang on - Everybody Hurts - REM

"I highly doubt that", he replied, "You have a very strong, perhaps crippling, habit of dismissing things as insignificant because you are a natural problem solver. Let's continue." 

He drew a vertical line to the right of the list he had written, dividing the board into two columns.

He writes "Launch Day" at the top of the right column, underlines it and begins to write a new list. 

"Here we go", he said, "The final countdown begins."

8 - "Despite my request to colleagues to never read emails first thing in the morning, I do my own quick scan before leaving the house. The emails are ugly and terrifying. It's just another day for me and I've gotten used to it."

7 - "That was a close call as the guy ran a red light on my walk to Starbucks. He should be paying attention. It's a crosswalk used by many kids on their way to school in the area."

6 - "I signal a family member (in the medical profession) that I am not feeling well but I can't put my finger on what the issue is. I tell her that I am feeling pain but I don't mean it in the usual definition of pain. Her reply is cold, and I feel hurt, confused by how I am feeling and her response to me. I guess I was hoping for something more supportive."

5 - "Why aren't the customers at Starbucks grateful for the privilege of their $7 lattes? Did my colleagues and I burn ourselves out working on public safety just for this?"

4 - "The walk signal is not working as it should - three traffic signal changes in a row without a walk signal and it's freezing outside."

3 - "I scan my phone for important SMS and emails from work as I am walking. There is an attachment that I look at. It is horrific."

2 - "I don't know where I'm walking to. Where the hell am I ?"

1 - "Panic"

Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand

If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you are not alone - Everybody Hurts - REM

0 - "Launch: Step in front of the bus."

He stood in silence as I reflected on his list.

"Now", he said, "What was the one thing that everyone you worked with found amazing about you?"

"I don't know", I replied.

"Of course you do", he replied. "Everyone tells you that you are like a machine. No matter how many projects you get involved in and no matter how much pressure you are under, you always deliver. No matter how many horrific, graphic images you see, you always deliver solutions to your client as you coach everyone else to look away from the horror. No matter how many outsiders ask for your help, you always say yes to their requests."

He paused.

"Everyone has believed for years that nothing bothers you", he said quietly. "They considered you to be a machine and the way you delivered consistently confirmed their idea of you. Maybe it convinced you of that as well! So why wouldn't they continue to throw more and more things over the wall to you in ever-increasing frequency and intensity?"

"Plus ...", he said hesitatingly, "you never asked for help. Ever. Until you signaled to your family member that you were in trouble, nobody knew at all. Your indication that you weren't feeling well was the only time in your Life that you have ever admitted that you couldn't handle your present situation. The cold reply to the one and only time you have ever asked for help caused you to feel cutoff."

"And ...", he said gently, "it triggered your wounded inner child, reaffirming its old beliefs that you were never worthy - even in your most desperate of moments."

"When the relationships died the prior week", he continued, "They also triggered your inner child's defenses. Your inner child was not only rejected, something it feared constantly, but it was prevented from helping those people moving forward. Helping people was an important way that your inner child received affirmation that it was worthy and it felt that that affirmation had been taken away."

He paused for a moment.

"When you have accumulated an almost unlimited number of significant, traumatic events that would devastate most people", he said quietly, "and an inner voice in the form of your younger self believes you are not worthy of being saved, it doesn't take much to push you over the edge."

"I know you study plane crashes. Many of them originate from events that in themselves are often insignificant. It's the perfect sequence of events with impeccable timing that produces the negative outcome."

"After years of dodging things", he added, "you finally hit the potentially fatal sequence. Fortunately for you, there was enough of your mind left to pull you back from the brink. Not everyone is that lucky."

If you're on your own in this life

The days and nights are long

When you think you've had too much

Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes

Everybody cries

Everybody hurts, sometimes - Everybody Hurts - REM

I sat in silence, pondering what had been presented to me. 

"So now what?" I asked.

"Well", he began, "your recovery has already begun. The amount of time on your mobile device has been significantly reduced. You have greatly reduced your time spent on work matters. Your consumption of material that is traumatic to your brain has been reduced to zero."

"Our work on nurturing your younger self has been happening in earnest", he continued, "and it feels less triggered and far less consumed by the need for external affirmation."

"And ....", he said, quietly, "you are not afraid to ask for help or to say no more frequently to requests that don't serve you."

"Is that it?" I asked.

"No", he replied, "Now comes the most important part, and for some, most difficult. You must offer forgiveness to everyone you believe contributed to the moment you almost took your Life. And in turn, you should ask for their forgiveness in case you hurt them, either real or perceived."

"And if they are not interested?" I asked.

"Then offer it unconditionally to the Universe, and allow it to deliver the message", he replied, "If they are meant to reach out to you in this Lifetime, or another, they will. If that happens, receive their message with unconditional love."

"In fact", he said, "make sure unconditional love becomes your way of being. Your world, starting with your upbringing and continuing with your career, has had too much judgement wired into it. It's time to move to unconditional love for others, and for yourself."

"How hard can that be?" I asked.

"I'll bet it will present some of the greatest challenges you have ever experienced", he said.

"But", he said smiling, "It will also present some of the greatest rewards you have ever experienced!"

"Your Life starts over. Today", he said, pointing to a picture of the Hero's Journey on his office wall. "If you could create what you did by accident and sheer will, imagine what you can create with the power of unconditional love."

"You know where you are on the Journey, don't you?" he asked gently.

I nodded but sat in silence, reflecting on his closing words.

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on, hold on - Everybody Hurts - REM

To be continued.

With love,

Harry

This post is dedicated to Michelle H. She took her Life a couple of days ago after failed attempts in the past. I won't include a link to her obituary. She wanted it to look like an accident. Her obituary says, "passed away suddenly". 

There is still a stigma about admitting to people that we lost someone close to us by their own choice. Obituary writers leave it up to the reader to figure out if "passed away suddenly" was something along the lines of a heart attack, stroke or something else. 

Do we honor those we have lost? What about their struggle? When do we do this?

What do you think?

May those close to Michelle find peace in the memory of her Life - a peace that so sadly eluded her.

---

Thoughts on Asking for Help

I was raised to solve my own shit. Men from generations prior to mine believed that this was the mark of a true man. If you suffered, you had to suffer in silence, no matter how intense the difficulty. Perhaps that worked in the past in a "slower" world, although I doubt it. I wonder if people just hid it better.

Looking back on my Life, there were a number of times where asking for help would have allowed me to release powerful negative energy I was accumulating. This would have prevented a harmful blend of toxic thoughts and feelings from proliferating in my 50+ year old mind. 

And after 50+ years of creating significant results, I forgot that I was a human being with limits.

Limits - a word that never crossed my mind until I revealed to myself and others that I was a mere mortal after all.

Many were surprised or shocked. 

Many were saddened and reached out to offer help.

Some were delighted and expressed their happiness cruelly or callously.

But do you know what?

After years of people thinking I was a machine, it feels damn good to be considered a human being.

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's powerful book, The Body Keeps Score: The Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, he outlines how energy from trauma and normal Life events accumulates until it reaches a breaking point.

The nature of the breaking point and how it manifests in someone depends on a combination of things, including the upbringing of the individual, the culture they grew up in, the resilience of the individual themselves, the nature of the energy accumulated, the triggering event and other factors.

It also depends on whether they are open to asking for help, receiving it when offered and acting appropriately on it once received.

Do you need help right now?

Are you open to receiving help?

If the answer is yes, don't follow my model of ignoring the signals or the need for help until it's too late.

Waiting as long as I did might produce a result that people close to you will try to understand for the rest of their lives, because you wouldn't be there for them to ask.

If the answer is no, then ask yourself the questions again to be sure of your answer.

I think you're worthy of a great finish.

What do you think?

What are you waiting for?

Thoughts on Unconditional Love

I have struggled with the concept of unconditional love for a long time. A lot of my work over the years has been in areas where it is easy to condemn people who seek to hurt others.

On top of that, some people who lectured me on the importance of unconditional love were quick to pass judgement on others. Some of them judged me when I almost took my Life. Some even applauded my decision. I don't know if they are disappointed in my survival. Living by example may not be their strong suit.

When asked about unconditional love, I often cited a dark example to counter the idea. In one variation of my response, someone important to you has been seized in an alley and the perpetrator threatens to cut their throat unless you acquiesce to their demands. I have always asked people, "Can you love your way out of that situation?"

In my ignorance, I inadvertently commingled two things. 

First, we are designed in fight or flight situations to do what it takes to survive and to help others survive. In this scenario, there is never a place for unconditional love as our primal wiring kicks in to protect lives. Love is not part of the programming of a fight or flight response.

But secondly, once the fight or flight moment has passed, there is room - dare I say a requirement - to understand the early Life history, cultural impact and other forces that led the perpetrator to commit the act.

This is where unconditional love plays an important role.

I missed the second step, using my example to preclude the perpetrator from receiving unconditional love after "the main event" had passed.

My example was partially right.

But mostly wrong.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone you hate or judge hastily. Dr. Covey described this process in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Specifically, I am referring to Habit 5 - Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Imagine absorbing their childhood.

Imagine living the culture that they grew up in.

Consider the things that they were told and how it was delivered to them.

Examine the things that happened to them.

Now ask yourself if you would have turned out any differently than they did.

And then ask yourself if there is anything about yourself that you wished was different about you.

Are you comfortable with unconditional love?

Do you need it?

If you need it, is it fair to ask that you give it to others also?

Why or why not?

Thoughts on the Hero's Journey

The Hero's Journey is a narrative that attempts to describe the journey of the "average Hero". We are all heroes in some way in this world and I posit that it is an encapsulation of your journey and the journey of everyone around you. More about the Hero's Journey can be found here on Wikipedia.

Here is an image similar to the one used by my therapist, illustrating a "typical" Hero's Journey.

I am somewhere between transformation and atonement.

Can you find your place on this journey?

What does this tell you about what you have learned and overcome in your Life?

What does this tell you about what you need to learn or do next?

What does this tell you about who you need to do it with?

As you reflect upon these things, consider coming up with answers through the lens of the following questions:

1. Where do I go?
2. What do I do?
3. What do I say?
4. And to whom?

What do you think should happen next?

What are you waiting for?

This Series

This post is part of a series describing my personal mental health journey after considering taking my own Life. It is my hope that something within these posts will help others find the courage they need to ask for help, to persevere with the help, love and support of others and at some point, to be the strength that someone else needs.

This is part 8.

The entire series can be found here:

• The Wrong Way to Catch a Bus
• Life: Choices and Possibilities
• Life: Self-Reliance and Courage
• Life: Forgiveness
• Life: Creating Space
• Life: A Question of Free Will
• Life: Who Will Bell the Cat?
• Life: The Significance of the Insignificant
• Life: Unconditional Gratitude - Embracing a Heart of Thankfulness
• Life: The Thing That Doesn't Kill Us ...

Song Choice

The powerful ballad, Everybody Hurts, by REM, was written as a song about suicide. The writer, Bill Berry, hoped to create a song that was "reachable" by everyone, especially teenagers.

In a later interview, singer Michael Stipe said this about how it felt to release a song that potentially saved lives. 

"It saved a few. People have told me. And I love hearing that. That's for me, that's my Oscar, that's my gold on a shelf right there... that something we did impacted someone's life in such a profound way. That's a beautiful thing."

 Without further adieu, Everybody Hurts, by REM.