Lip Service or Actual Service?

Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than the one where they sprang up. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

The secret is to gang up on the problem, rather than each other. - Thomas Stallkamp

I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create. - William Blake

While my blog writing has taken a backseat to a number of personal and professional projects over the last couple of years, I’m always intrigued by the stats of my readership and the reaction to my blog posts.

While I have mused on many things over the years including but not limited to inspirational stuff, business thoughts, strategic planning, tactical execution, warnings to society and such, by far the single largest group of readers and the largest amount of emotion that I generate come from posts where I call politicians out for doing something inappropriate against the best interests of the people they claim to serve or for allowing themselves to be placed in a position of compromise to the detriment of themselves, their staff or the people they claim to serve.

While many people have egos that would be inflated by the reaction I get from such posts, I am largely unaffected by the praise (or criticism) I receive because I write the posts for strategic, ethical and moral reasons and not for ego-based ones.

The other complexity from such posts is that many readers who are inspired by such posts think I write them because I enjoy skewering people (thus fitting into something they like to do).  If they knew me personally, they would know that such beliefs are a gross misunderstanding of who I am.

The reality is that I don’t skewer people purposefully and I don’t enjoy the fact that it may appear to be my intention.  In fact, the reason I write such posts is not to skewer the individual but to invite a correction or enhancement of behavior with an idea towards creating a better result.  It is not my place to judge an individual although it may appear that I am doing just that when I critique their behavior – I leave it to Someone greater than I to judge the individual.

And so the majority of people who like such posts fall, sadly, into one or more of the following groups.

Group One – The Call to Action Ends With Lip Service

Many people love to complain and to have their complaint heard, whether in the coffee shop, in public demonstrations or on social media.  Ask people to take additional measurable action to correct what upsets them and suddenly there is silence in the room.

Try telling these people that their frustration will grow unabated if they don’ take measurable action (instead of mistaking complaining alone for action), and they don’t hear you – they’ve already moved on to the next complaint or person who supports their complaint-centric model of execution.  Many of these people also seek to be offended so that their need to complain finds a justification to attach itself to.  As the old adage goes – some people aren’t happy unless they’re miserable.

Group Two – I Have Too Much to Risk – I Need You To Take a Stand

A lot of people send complaints, salacious comments, “dirt” or insider information to me and other people who are not afraid to use their voice and ask, implore or demand that I / we reveal it.  When I inform them that stuff of importance to them should be revealed by them, I am told that “I’ve got too much to risk – you have to do it” (this includes people who serve on boards who discover inappropriate or illegal behavior and demand that people like me reveal it because they are “too important” to be involved in the imminent explosion).

I / we have things to risk also and what is a priority to someone else may not be a priority to me / us (and there is always the risk that someone else’s “irrefutable data” may be so vaporous as to put people like myself and others at risk).

By the way, this group also includes the people who believe that they can solve problems by bashing people while hiding behind anonymous social media accounts, email accounts, etc.  Standing up for what you believe in has more credibility when you are willing to be identified.

Group Three – I’m Too Busy

If you’re literally too busy, then it means that the thing you are complaining about is less important than other things that occupy your day. 

If that is the case, honor such priorities and stop complaining since we should put our time, energy and money into our priorities and avoid the things that distract us from those priorities.

Group Four – I’m Not _________ Enough (insert connected, strong, etc.)

History is filled with people that on first blush would have been considered not influential enough, smart enough, connected enough, etc.  Ask the Google god for examples – they are too numerous to list here.

Group Five – I’m Too Lazy, I’m Not Focused, My Own Purpose in Life is not Defined

Rarely admitted by people who suffer from such random execution, their Life is like a guided missile roaming around looking for a target.  Complaining is easy and requires little effort – strategic, intelligent and purposeful execution is neither.  Enough said.

I’m sure there are other groups that people fight to be members of through their preference for complaining over action and results.

While specifics about what defines the reasons for inaction vary, we rarely solve problems by merely fretting or complaining about them or by mistaking any activity (including complaining) for productivity.

The Bottom Line

Unless you’re in a country where participating in a public demonstration can get you shot or imprisoned, it takes little courage to participate in such actions.  Although the actions may initially be useful, they require follow-up action in many situations to become truly effective.

Unless you choose to do something highly illegal, immoral or unethical (translation: something highly ignorant) by threatening people using social media, complaining on social media rarely accomplishes much.  Social media has its place as a tool for sharing information or executing a call to action but action is still necessary after the “recruits” show up.  In such situations, action is more than a hashtag.

Complaining in coffee shops will do little more than cause you to eat too many donuts or drink too much coffee.

Action matters.

Results matter.

Find a way to collaborate and if collaboration is rejected, ignored or soundly attacked, then find other strategic, intelligent and purposeful ways to accomplish your objective and create solutions in the world.

If you’re not interested in bringing your time, energy, talents, strengths, skills, knowledge (and yes, sometimes money) to the table to create solutions, please stop complaining.  There’s enough useless, purposeless, negative noise in the world – don’t add to it.

If you’re complaining because in reality, you can’t honestly answer the questions “Who am I?”, “What do I stand for?”, “Why do I exist?”, “Where am I going?” and “How can I make the world a better place with the gifts that I have?” and your energy is therefore being misdirected into complaining or other negative behavior out of frustration over a misdirected Life, please find someone who can help you answer those questions in a healthy way.  You and the world will be better off as a result.

The Bottom Bottom Line

If I’m going to finish my day exhausted, having put every ounce of energy I have into creating what is within my reach to create, is it better to do so having moved the world the tiniest measure closer to something better or to have exhausted myself and those around me with meaningless complaints?

How do you like to view your results for the day?

How would you like others to view your results?

Does it matter or are you preparing to complain that you don’t like what I just said?

Create a great day because merely having one is too passive an experience.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS: I am entertaining an experiment with an offer to a specific group of people.  I will add additional info here when the experiment is complete.

Hope or Gloom–We Thrive and Die Together

Life doesn't make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all. - Erik Erikson

In the progress of personality, first comes a declaration of independence, then a recognition of interdependence. - Henry Van Dyke

The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen awareness of the interdependence of all these living beings, which are all part of one another, and all involved in one another. - Thomas Merton

After interacting with an almost-30-year colleague, Vin, I wonder if part of the reason society has lost its way is that we have lost sight of our interdependence and our interconnectedness.

When a person intentionally drives without due care and attention, their poor habits and poor results cause our auto insurance to increase to “share the risk”.

When houses are damaged as happened in the Calgary, Alberta flood of 2013 or houses are lost as they were in the terrible fire of Fort McMurray, Alberta in 2016, everyone else’s insurance rates go up to “share the risk” of future events.

When people intentionally abuse their health and occupy a good portion of the healthcare system as a result, it ties up the bandwidth of a system with limited resources and makes it more difficult for people who suffer from accident and disease to gain access to the system.

By the same token ….

When we spread love, comfort and support, it spreads out from us in all directions and inspires / helps people who we may never meet.  People who matter to us may be helped by someone as a result.

In the same way, when we spread hatred and fear, the hatred and fear we spread reaches out and hurts people we may never meet.  People who matter to us may be hurt as a result.

For those of us in the streets serving the homeless, the hungry, the battered, the lost, the downtrodden, the depressed and other people who struggle, people who share hatred and fear mongering create additional effort for us.

It is difficult enough to help all those in society who need help – the challenges are significant.

However, when other people go out of their way to spread more fear and hatred, as Vin was doing today when I challenged his spreading of same, people like me are told, as Vin told me today, that it is none of my business.

However, it is everyone’s business.  We all live in the world that we and others create, for better or for worse.

How we treat others, through the spread of love or hatred, impacts everyone else and how others spread love or hatred eventually comes back to us.  When it comes to spreading hatred and fear, "no raindrop believes it is responsible for the flood".

If that requires a deeper explanation, then ignorance is more wide-spread than we know.

The Bottom Line

How you choose to live spreads from you, through you and around you to everyone else in the world.

How others live comes back to you at some point.

Do you prefer to spread love, comfort and support or fear, hatred and distrust?

What you choose to spread determines what you accept coming back in your direction.

How to you prefer to live?

Do you even care?

Do you care what kind of world your kids experience?

Do you care how your kids perceive you as a role model?

Because if you want the best for you, your kids, your family and your world, then you have to be your best first.

To expect anything else or to be ignorant of ignorance will create the very world that gloomers and doomers love to share.

I for one can’t and don’t accept that.

Can you?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS I asked Vin to explain to other colleagues how sharing gloom and doom was as valid a contribution to society as serving people in the streets or doing your best to lift people who need help.  I was told that people like him don’t need to answer such questions.

Vin told me last week that it is ok to call people you don't like "morons" and other such things.  I wonder if he would be in a problem solving mood if I called him one.  I wouldn't do that - I don't think smart people can be engaged to solve problems if one insults them first.  Unfortunately, Vin and I have to agree to disagree on this approach.

I hope he or people who matter to him are never hurt by someone else who believes the same things he does.

Interconnectedness, like reality, can’t be avoided or ignored just because we don’t like it or believe it.

The Aftermath

My request of Vin to explain how his views help make the world a better place prompted him to disconnect from me.  This is another sad aspect of our modern world - people who don't have the ability or courage to defend their opinions using facts in a respectful manner.

How do we expect to create a better world for our children if we are unable to do this?

Many people think that they "have won the argument" when they use the childish "talk to the hand", "I'm taking my toys and going home" approach.

Unfortunately the world loses when this approach is used.  Look at the torching of the Berkeley campus the other night when people allegedly promoting freedom of speech and equality for all didn't get their way and couldn't articulate their needs in a calm, respectful manner.

We must do better - the question is do we have the interest and the will to do so, no matter what it takes?

Thoughts Without Action–The World’s Greatest Threat

Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world. - Joel A. Barker

There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction. - John F. Kennedy

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

---

Joe frowned as he thumb-scrolled through his Facebook feed, attempting to catch up to the barrage of information that seemed to never end.  He hit a couple of likes, shared a few posts and vainly attempted to make a comment on someone else’s post using the same hand that was holding his phone.

“Hmmmmph”, he grunted as he stared at his phone, “I never saw that before.”

He also never saw the vehicles stopped in front of him as social media occupied more of his attention than operating his vehicle at 65 miles per hour.

Fortunately, his poor attentiveness to that which really mattered produced a unplanned result that was mercifully brief

---

He awoke with a start, sitting on a chair in a softly lit room.

He looked around, dazed and confused.

“Wasn’t I just driving?”, he thought as he began to panic.

“There is no need for panic”, a Voice from nowhere and everywhere spoke gently, “You are safe here.”

“Wh ….. wh …. where am I?”, stammered Joe, his voice quivering in alarm.

“You are here to be processed”, replied the Voice, “It is my job to see that you are prepared for the next step in your journey.”

“Processed?  Journey?”, asked Joe, “Processed for what?  Where am I going?”

“Patience”, replied the Voice, “All questions will be answered in time.  One moment please.  I am reviewing your file.”

Joe waited in silence as his body shook gently.

“Now”, the Voice said, breaking the silence, “We use a weighted average to assess your contributions, with recent acts of good and evil having more weight than earlier acts because more recent acts took place when you had more knowledge.  Do you understand this?”

“Excuse me?”, asked Joe, feeling more confused than ever.

The Voice ignored the question.

“Let’s see”, the Voice said softly, “Um hum.  Um hum.  I see.  Ok, I see where to begin.”

An image appeared in front of Joe and he was startled to realize that he was looking at himself.

“You were quite a prolific social media user, Joe”, said the Voice, “You shared and liked a lot of things on it.”

“Well”, began Joe, “There are a lot of things going on in the world that need to be fixed.”

“So true”, replied the Voice, “So true.  I can tell by examining your social media participation what appears to have mattered to you.  For example …..”

The Voice paused for a moment.

Joe saw the image of himself replaced by a list of causes that he felt passionate about.

“Do you recognize these things?”, asked the Voice.

Joe scanned the list – child abuse, battered women, the impact of war on children …… he recognized every one of them.

“I do”, he replied.

“I see that you shared a lot of stories about children in war-torn countries”, the Voice said.

“Yes”, replied Joe, starting to regain his composure, “It is important that we not allow those children to suffer.”

“So true”, replied the Voice, “But you never went there or took any action to help them.”

“Well”, said Joe hesitatingly, “It’s pretty dangerous over there.”

“Yes it is”, replied the Voice, “But you can take consolation in the fact that the stories you liked on social media cheered up an orphan in a place like Syria.  In fact, I see one story here that you shared that received 100 likes.  Surely that brought comfort to the woman mourning a lost child or to the man who lost both legs to an explosive.  These people likely hung out on social medial waiting for people like you to show them that they mattered.  Your social media participation from the comfort of your home must have brought real comfort to them.”

“In fact”, continued the Voice, “It’s clear that many things that are important to you were clearly made better because of your incessant liking, sharing and comments.”

Joe sensed a touch of sarcasm but said nothing.

“You sense sarcasm”, said the Voice insightfully, “Yet I do not judge you.  If you sense sarcasm from me, it is a perception created by you judging yourself based on the facts I have presented to you.”

“Do you recognize these people?”, asked the Voice as the image in front of Joe changed again.

Joe recognized the people in the image immediately.  The image showed the members of his coffee klatch that met twice a week to discuss and argue over the problems of the world.  Many of their discussions became frustrating, heated exchanges about who was to blame for all the problems in the world and having established that, they would retreat to the safety of their homes and arm themselves with data for the next time they got together.

“A lot of blame and finger-pointing there”, observed the Voice, “Did you ever solve anything?”

“We weren’t trying to solve anything per se ….”, began Joe but the Voice interrupted him.

“Interesting”, the Voice said, “We have always believed that with problems, there are only three options.  Do you know what they are?”

“No”, said Joe quietly.

“They are quite simple”, replied the Voice, “Complain about problems and do nothing, ignore them and do nothing or take action or help others to take action to address the problems.”

“But these things are important”, expostulated Joe, “We had to discuss them ….”

The Voice cut him off again.

“I believe that of the three options I provided, only one of them accomplishes anything of merit”, the Voice observed, “Did you choose the one that actually addresses the problem?”

“Well ….. ummmmm …. no”, said Joe quietly.

“Did it ever occur to you that you were provided with Life experiences, knowledge, talent, strengths and skills to take action and not just talk about things?”, the Voice asked.

“Why are you accusing me of …..”, Joe began.

“I am not accusing you of anything”, replied the Voice as he cut Joe off again, “It is you who judge yourself.”

Joe said nothing and silence filled the room.

“How about this?”, the Voice asked and the image before Joe changed to one of of him offering a friend consolation regarding a loss his friend had experienced.

“I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers”, Joe heard himself say to his friend.

“Did you ever say a prayer for your friend?”, asked the Voice.

“No”, replied Joe, “I forgot”.

“Did you think about him after that”, asked the Voice.

Joe said nothing but shook his head silently.

“I see”, replied the Voice, “An empty offer, perhaps?  Or perhaps it was just a disingenuous, pithy comment like so many empty ones you offered to people over the years when they needed help, even if the help they needed was merely someone to listen to them for a moment.”

Joe said nothing.

“I have an offer for you”, the Voice said, “But it will depend on many others.  Let’s see if they will help you.”

The image before Joe was replaced again.  This time what appeared was very  similar to social media he was used to.  However, what he saw gave him chills.

It was a very brief story of his own Life with a request that someone step up to help him find his way home.

As he watched it, he saw a like counter ticking up, first slowly and then much quicker.

A share counter then began to tick as quickly as the like counter.

But it was the comments that struck Joe.

They started slow but quickly picked up in tempo.

Some of the comments were very supportive, comments like “We’re right there with you, Joe”, “You can do it, Joe”, “Hey Frank, check out this Joe guy and what he’s trying to do” and the like.

Some comments praised some of the things he had done in his Life.

Some comments condemned him for mistakes he had made.

Some of the comments were complete lies or misinterpretations of actual events.

“That’s quite a lot of activity”, observed the Voice.

Joe said nothing.

“And yet”, continued the Voice, “Despite all the activity being generated on your behalf, you …. are …. still …. here.”

The Voice spoke the last words slowly for emphasis.

“How do you explain this, Joe?”, the Voice asked.

Joe sat in silence as a sudden insight dawned on him.

“I didn’t actually do enough”, he said quietly,  “I thought I was doing the right thing but in fact the doing part was the one thing that I wasn’t doing.”

“Or doing enough of”, the Voice said, correcting him gently.

“I didn’t know”, Joe said quietly, “How could I have known?”

“That may be true”, conceded the Voice, “But what would happen if someone actually took an action on your behalf right now to make a difference in your Life?  Would you actually do something with that knowledge?”

Joe nodded slowly, looked down and swallowed hard, feeling his eyes tear up.

“Then find something that matters to you and do something about it”, the Voice said.

Joe looked up as the Voice seemed much more insistent than it had during their conversation but as he did so, a blinding light surrounded him.

---

“Sir, can you tell me your name?”, a voice commanded.

Joe attempted to struggle,, dazzled by the light in his eyes and feeling confused again.

“Joe”, he whispered, “My name is Joe”.

“You’re a very lucky man, Joe”, replied the paramedic as he finished examining Joe’s eyes with his penlight, “But you’re going to be ok.  I don’t know how you survived this but your guardian angel was looking over your shoulder today.  You’ve been given a second chance, my friend.  What do you think of that?”

Joe lay there in silence …. wondering …. thinking.

To be continued.

---

© 2016 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

This post came to mind as I talked to someone last night about my annual Christmas project for helping battered women and their children.

We were discussing all of the people who share things on social media without doing anything, drop $5 in a Salvation Army kettle while fretting over the color of their next BMW, people who demand of others that they do something to help someone in need, people who offer pithy platitudes to people who issue the cry for help and the like.

There are many people who actually DO things to serve and help others but sadly, they are in the minority.

Too many people do too little and yet in their small efforts, somehow comfort themselves believing that they have done everything within their power.

Meanwhile they waste their potential and diminish their results (and the results of others) performing actions that produce little if any result or impact that really matters.

They is likely much more that they can do.

How about you?

Can you do more for someone today?

Could someone do more for you?

If you were given a second chance, would you be a different person?

Why wait for the second chance?

Not everyone gets one.

Some related posts to get your creative juices flowing:

• Your Power to Reinvent a Life
• Christmas and the Gifts That Cannot Be Bought

Someone is waiting for you to DO something tangible and meaningful.

It doesn’t have to be huge to be impactful.

But it has to be something.

So ….. someone IS waiting for you.

What are YOU waiting for?

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Defining Your Purpose–The Certainty of Uncertainty

My soul can find no staircase to Heaven unless it be through Earth's loveliness. - Michelangelo

I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we're all teachers - if we're willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door. - Marla Gibbs

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

---

Geri crawled into bed next to Will.  It had been a busy but fruitful, fulfilling day.  She kissed Will and snuggled lovingly into him.  Sleep came fast and easy for her …..

…. and then she awoke with a start.

She was no longer in her bed but sitting in a chair in a darkened, softly lit room empty of anything but the comfortable chair she found herself in.

She looked frantically for Will but he was nowhere to be found and for a moment, panic began to seize her.

A voice from nowhere, everywhere and within her spoke softly and gently to her.  “There is nothing to fear here, Geri”, it said kindly.

The voice paused for a moment before continuing.

“Before you move on in your journey, it is normal that your journey-to-date be reviewed.  Hopefully you will find the review to be useful”, the voice said.

Images appeared around Geri, movies floating in the air about her.  She recognized them all.  It was her Life in all of its early struggle.  One moment she was observing being bullied in school, another time she saw abuse at the hands of someone who sought to relieve his pain by pushing it on her.  She watched her younger self struggle with her career and a Life of personal difficulty.  Years of frustration, unanswered prayers and a sense of being lost in Purpose were replayed and she felt painful, all-too-familiar emotions welling up inside her as she remembered those days.

“How do you know this?”, Geri asked in bewilderment.

“This is not the time for questions”, replied the voice, “Observe.”

Geri watched the movies in silence, tears rolling down her cheeks.  Small, personal victories and moments of happiness were interspersed with long stretches of difficulty.  She relived her feelings of fear, failure and a strong sense of unworthiness that she had experienced then.

And then the movies disappeared.

Geri sat in silence, digesting what she had just watched.

“This was your Life story”, the voice said.

She cleared her throat and spoke.

“That wasn’t my whole story”, she said quietly.

“True”, replied the voice, “We spent a long time preparing you for your real story.  Sometimes, difficult things were sent your way to prepare you for your Purpose.  Other times we sent gifts to you in the form of opportunity but you resisted them, choosing the difficult path when an easier one was available.  Some lessons were necessary.  Some were voluntary on your part.  All of them were important.”

The voice paused.

“Observe”, it said.

Another movie appeared.  It showed a meeting she had had with a long time friend many years ago.  They were talking about her struggles as they had done in the past and he was encouraging her to stop being fixated on what had gone wrong in her Life. He implored her to see her difficulties as preparation for something greater and to allow herself to be guided towards her real calling instead of driving towards what she believed that calling to be.  He was reading to her from his Bible, quoting Ecclesiastes  3:1-11 and how everything mattered in its own time.  The time had come to use her talents and gifts in the way she was meant to and not in the way she thought she was supposed to, he had implored.

“I remember this meeting”, Geri said, “Hank was telling me something I already knew.”

“Perhaps”, replied the voice, “Hank, or Gabriel as we know him, was telling you something important that you had ignored for your entire adult Life.  So while you claim to have known this all along, it was your failure to take any action that kept you trapped in the Life that you hated.  Gabriel’s task when you met him that day was to get you to think differently.  Do you remember what happened after that meeting?”

“Yes”, Geri replied, “Will and I decided to trust our instinct more.  I gave up on my dreams of running a big, fancy, impactful company and we settled on a bed and breakfast that we had had our eye on for some time.  It was kind of a silly dream I guess but I always like it was something that kept calling me and so we gave in to the feeling and followed it.”

“A silly dream?”, asked the voice, “Observe.”

Movies again began to play in the air around her.  One movie showed a successful artist proudly exhibiting his art to an admiring audience in a large art gallery.  Another movie showed a couple lying on a beach, intertwined in each other as they watched the sun go down.  In another, a young man was saying goodbye to his father as he lay dying in a hospital bed.

Other movies played all around her.

“Who are these people?”, Geri asked as she watched them all in awe and bewilderment.

“The young artist stayed at your bed and breakfast when he was struggling to find his way in his vocation.”, replied the voice, “The couple were experiencing the death throes of their marriage when they decided to give it one last try by spending a romantic weekend at that same bed and breakfast.  The other young man and his father had become estranged over the years and had decided that it was important that they reconnect and they did so at your bed and breakfast shortly before his father died.”

The voice paused for a moment.

“All of these people were struggling.  Their lives changed when they met the owners of the bed and breakfast.  As their Life Journey took them through your bed and breakfast, they were transformed.”

The voice paused again before continuing.

“As were you and Will”, it said gently.

“I don’t understand”, said Geri quietly.

“We spent your entire Life preparing you for your real Purpose.  You fought us and resisted us the whole way.  When you finally acquiesced, the Purpose we had for you was allowed to come to fruition.  You wanted to serve people but you kept getting in your own way.  Impactful service was much easier to achieve and closer at hand than you realized.”

Geri sat in silence, tears once again rolling down her cheeks.

“I didn’t know”, she said quietly.

“Nor were you meant to”, replied the voice, “You would have attempted too many shortcuts had you known.  Human beings cheat if they know the answers in advance.”

“What about Will?”, she asked, “Where is he?  Can I see him?”

“He still has a small part of his Calling remaining”, replied the voice, “You will see him soon.”

There was a moment of silence.

“You once had someone important that you lost”, said the voice gently, “Tell me about her.”

Geri choked down the sobs that wanted to well up within her and she looked down at the floor.

“My mother was everything”, she said, “When she died, I felt like I had lost my champion.”

“What would you tell your mother if you could speak to her right now?”, asked the voice, “What do you think your Champion would tell you about all of the people whose lives were changed when they met you and Will at your bed and breakfast?”

Geri shook her head for a moment and then looked up to answer the question.

As she did so, she was stunned to see her mother standing in front of her.  Behind her, others stood, people that she had recognized as having helped her over the years or whom she had helped.

She opened her mouth to speak …..

To be continued.

---

© 2016 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

This blog post is a long distance dedication to someone I can not identify.

Perhaps the person is you.

You know what it means.

Someone is waiting for you.

What are you waiting for?

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Birthday Musings – Overwhelmed with Gratitude

If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. – Sir Isaac Newton

I haven’t written much lately.  I’m not sick, dying, disenchanted with the world or anything else.

I’m busy participating in the creation of new worlds – new worlds for business colleagues, new worlds for investors, new worlds for people trying to escape the tyranny of abuse and violence and new worlds for my family.

It’s called living your priorities.

It’s also called answering the call that is your purpose.

I continue to watch the world with a cautious eye – my mind is overwhelmed with awe at the beauty, love and potential that exists in our world while simultaneously being overwhelmed with disappointment at the ignorance, greed and fear that is far too present also.

Light and darkness co-exist in a dance that invites each of us to choose which side we would like to participate in.

As a realistic optimist, I believe that a beautiful world becomes what we believe it is as long as we don’t forget that evil exists.

Some people call that pessimism – to acknowledge that evil exists at all.

I find that many people who accuse others of pessimism are often the most pessimistic people themselves (the same is true for many people who wave the racist flag). 

I also believe that the unlimited potential for love and beauty in the world only exists as long as we continue to fight for it.  To not fight for it is to open a door that allows us to be overrun by darkness.  To deny that evil exists is like looking at the flashing light on your dashboard and covering it up with tape so that its incessant warning doesn’t annoy you.

The same is true within the small circle that is our respective lives.

So I continue to fight for light and love.

The fight is not always broadcast in a blog and is not done for glory, awards or attention.

It's not always a gentle fight nor can I be the gentle giant all the time. Sometimes you have to get in someone's face to protect and promote what you believe is important in the world (upsetting those people can sometimes be a reward in itself).

But the fight is worth it.

And it’s necessary.

As birthday greetings flowed in today from around the world, this big macho guy, standing over 6’3” and 235 pounds, found himself overcome with the emotion of gratitude.

I posted this on Facebook today:

On this day every year when birthday greetings flow in, I am staggered and overwhelmed by the love and kindness that I receive.

People from every phase of my Life, from Kindergarten through school, through every part of my career, through my personal interests, my family.

Oh what a gift all of you are in my Life.

The great things I have accomplished in my Life are because of you.

The mistakes I have made are my own doing.

Thank you for the Blessing that is my Life.

They say that you are the company that you keep. If that is true, then I am amazing ... because of how amazing you are.

Thank you from my heart.

Our world becomes what we choose to create.

If we choose to allow it to just “be” or we wait for someone else to make the world a better place, it may not become what it could be or should be for us, our families, our friends and others who are important to us.

Would you find such a world acceptable?

I don’t.

I close every email with one of two closings, a shorter or longer one, the longer of which I will share here.

Create a great day, because merely having one is too passive an experience.

Many great people have helped me create a great Life, something I am eternally grateful for.

This in turn creates a responsibility in me to help create a great Life for others.

May you be so blessed.

And may you have the opportunity to be that blessing for others.

The world is waiting for you – your talents, your gifts, your strengths, your energy, your ideas and your love.

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Harnessing the Power of an Abuser to Defeat Them

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing. - Lundy Bancroft

The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. - Lundy Bancroft

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others. - Albert Schweitzer

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

---

Abigail sat in a quiet coffee shop, staring at her laptop screen.  She had endured one legal form after another for many months and still they kept coming.

“Will this thing ever end?”, she sighed to herself.

Sometimes she wondered if the system was designed to protect the people who hurt others.

“That couldn’t be true, could it?”, she thought to herself, “Maybe it was easier to give up and go back to him.  It seems less stressful than this.”

Her phone rang and she glanced at it for a moment before answering it.

She spoke to the man on the other end of the line for a few minutes but was suddenly surprised when he interrupted her, asking her what was really going on in her Life.

She hesitated a moment, wondering what to say and then said “Well, I’ve had a problem with him for about a year or so …..”

Suddenly the phone was taken out of her hand by a man who sat down across from her.

“Hello”, the man said into the phone, “My name is Gabriel.  Here is what is happening.  Abigail was emotionally and physically abused by her husband for many years and when he died, her son took over.  He has extended the abuse to …..”

Abigail waved her hands and shook her fists in anger at Gabriel as he outlined to the person on the other end of the phone about the 30+ years of abuse that Abigail had endured from her husband and now her son.

Gabriel listened for a few minutes as the voice on the other end of the call thanked him for bringing clarity to some things he had suspected for a long time.  Gabriel thanked him for listening, ended the call and passed the phone back to Abigail.

“What the hell did you do that for?”, Abigail asked, “Who the hell are you?  That’s nobody else’s business.”

Gabriel smiled at Abigail as he allowed her to release her anger against him.

When he felt she was done, he held up his hand to silence her.

“Before I answer your questions, I’d like to tell you a story”, Gabriel began.

Abigail started to protest but the look in Gabriel’s eyes silenced her.

“Good”, said Gabriel, “Blessed silence.”

He continued.

“There once was a friend of mine who was bullied incessantly in school, with some bullies accompanying him for his entire school Life, taunting him from grade 1 or 2 right up to when he graduated high school.  They did everything they could to keep him down to their level, a level filled with pain, anxiety and a desire to go nowhere in Life.”

“What happened to him?”, asked Abigail.

“Oh, he grew up and went on to quite a successful career”, replied Gabriel, “But it didn’t come without help along the way from people who helped him when he needed it the most.”

“In fact”, continued Gabriel, “They were sent to serve people and when their job was done, they left but he never forgot them.”

“What do you mean?", she asked.

“Well”, replied Gabriel, “One of them died of heart failure a year after high school.  Another, after helping her children get a good start at Life, took her own Life as the pain she had helped others overcome for years became too much for her to carry.  He still stops by to visit their burial places every year when he is in his hometown.”

“Why are you telling me this?”, asked Abigail.

“Excellent question”, replied Gabriel, “This man went on to a very successful career, far exceeding any plans he or anyone else had for him.  However, he never forgot what could have happened had the bullies of his youth been successful in destroying his belief in himself.  He also never forgot what people had done for him without any reward for themselves.  As the years went by and he became more enabled to help others, he realized that his experiences were not unique and that there were many people out there who sought to hurt or diminish others.  He believed that his career and Life experiences had prepared him to help others and so he set about to serve others and to lift them out of abusive situations.”

“Wow”, said Abigail quietly, “He must have been very bitter.”

“Not so”, replied Gabriel, “He had no patience for those who hurt others but he was always willing to find ways for people to heal themselves if they were earnest and honest about doing so.  Some years ago, he had returned home and found himself at a gas station standing next to someone who had bullied him as a child.  The person he observed was poorly dressed and had no teeth.  He introduced himself to “the bully” and instead of the bully responding harshly, the bully started speaking to him about how he was trying to turn his Life around.”

Gabriel paused but Abigail said nothing.

“My friend listened to the bully for a while before taking out a business card and offering it to him.  He told the bully that if he could help him in any way, then he should reach out to my friend.  The bully looked up at him with tears in his eyes and asked “Would you really do that for me?” to which my friend replied “Of course”.”

“They said goodbyes and went on to live their respective lives.  Two weeks later, my friend received a call telling him that “the bully” had died suddenly of a heart attack, not having reached his goal of turning his Life around.”

Abigail sat for a moment, taking in the story before saying quietly, “Life is short.”

“Yes it is”, replied Gabriel.

They sat in silence for a while.

Gabriel cleared is throat and began to speak.

“My friend has helped a lot of people overcome abuse over the years.  Do you know why he does it?”, Gabriel asked as he stared intently at Abigail.

Abigail shook her head but said nothing.

“Every time he sees someone battered or bullied”, began Gabriel, “He sees himself in their place.  He remembers how alone or afraid he felt and he thinks about what would have happened if they had been successful in diminishing his Spirit.  He doesn’t do this on purpose.  He actually can’t help it and in some strange unusual transference, he sees the person’s bullies and batterers as the ones who sought to diminish him as a child.”

Abigail swallowed hard, wondering what kind of person this was.

“He knows that his Life became what it was not only because he didn’t give up but because other people entered his Life at the right moments and lifted him in just the right ways.  They didn’t stay in his Life forever but he never forgot them and felt that to honor their gift to him, that he needed to do the same for others.”

“By the same token”, Gabriel continued, “while he has a zero tolerance policy for bullies and batterers, he never fought them head-to-head at their level because he knew this would only fuel what drives them.  He realized that his career provided much smarter, more effective ways of nullifying their negativity than direct, useless, angry confrontations.  In cases like the bully he met years later, he demonstrated that he could forgive but only if the person knew they needed to change their lives.  He did this because he knew that the man standing before him would be a great asset in helping prevent abuse of others.”

“Unfortunately that didn’t come to fruition”, said Gabriel quietly, “Life is short, as you noted.”

“When my friend sees someone else bullied or battered”, concluded Gabriel, “He simply must help them.  He feels that to not do so would not honor those people who helped him.  He also wants the battered and bullied to have a taste of the Life he has enjoyed, a Life only possible when one shakes off the yoke of intimidation, diminishment and abuse.  He sees your abuser as abusing him as a child.  Maybe it’s twisted but everyone has a motivation that is often unseen or not easily understood.”

“Wouldn’t he want to release this feeling and move on?”, asked Abigail.

“Why?”, replied Gabriel, “It provides him with a great sense of purpose beyond merely building successful companies.”

“Do you know what he would say to you?”, Gabriel asked, staring in her eyes intently.

“What?”, Abigail replied, unable to look away from his penetrating gaze.

“He would tell you to stand up for yourself and honor the divine Spirit within you.  You are worthy of so much more than an abuser wants you to believe of yourself.  You have aspirations and talents that will take you far in your Life.  Your abuser doesn’t want you to see this and in fact, wants you to see a Life constrained by their narrow view of the world and themselves.  In your weakest moments, fight the voice in your head that wants to give up and give in to the bully’s incessant pressure to diminish yourself.  If you give up, you trade away your Life, giving it to them to use in any way they see fit.  Unfortunately, they way they see it is filled with pain, hurt and diminishment for you.”

Gabriel paused for a moment.

“Forgive the expression”, he said, “But you are seen as a piece of worthless shit and will be seen and used as such until your end comes, whether that end be physical, emotional, financial or anything else.”

Abigail sat in silence, taking in the stranger’s story.

Gabriel nodded towards her cell phone.  “When you told your friend that this problem was a year in the making”, he said, “You in fact were lying not only to him but to yourself and to the Universe.  A friend asked you what was wrong and because you were embarrassed or didn’t want the world to know your secret, you diminished the problem.  Playing down a problem when the Universe sends someone to you tells the Universe you are in denial, inviting more complex, painful lessons to be imparted upon you until you are ready to accept and speak your truth.”

“When you speak your truth loudly”, continued Gabriel, “You invite the Universe to send people to you who will help you, just as my friend received help when he needed it.”

“Always speak your truth, Abigail”, said Gabriel as he stared at her intently.  “Acknowledge your truth, demand that which honors your Spirit and never allow anyone to diminish you. Help comes to those who do this.”

“And when I can’t do this?”, Abigail asked.

“In your weak moments, that’s when people like me show up in your Life”, replied Gabriel, his eyes glittering as he smiled.

He paused for a moment.

“After all", he said as he smiled, “The batterer who hurts you hurts me.”

Abigail’s eyes welled up as she realized what he had just said.

“And I really don’t want to be hurt”, replied Gabriel as he saw the truth dawning in her eyes, “I have too much living left to live.”

“So do you”, he said quietly.

Abigail’s eyes were momentarily blinded by the tears that flowed and she put her head down and wiped them.

Looking up to ask Gabriel a question, she realized ….

…. that she was alone.

To be continued.

---

© 2016 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

The story you have just read is a true story.  I am sending it as a long distance dedication to "Veronica" (name changed to protect her identity - she knows who she is).

We all have “Veronica’s” around us but we may not know their story or may know it but choose not to get involved.

It matters that we get involved.  CBC Television aired a program that demonstrates what happens when we don't take the subject of domestic abuse seriously.  The story of Basil Borutski, accused of the first degree murder of three domestic partners, can be found here.

As for Gabriel’s admission, I understand his position completely.

I am Gabriel.

And while bullies like Clifford, Gilbert, Barry, Paul and other people sought to diminish me over the years, I went on to a career that was filled with blessings.  Donna, who died in her first year of university, Bonnie who took her own Life when her demons overcame her and Tim who tried to turn his Life around but was cut short before he could do so, remind me that we are called to serve and that Life is short.

While IPOs and other things fill my Life and produce the most “awards”, the greatest “rewards” come from serving others.

We are given Life context for a reason.

Seeing this reason and doing something with it matters.

I could think harsh things about the bullies early in my Life who sought to diminish me but instead, I thank them.

They propelled me in ways they hadn’t hoped for and while I didn’t always know what I wanted, I knew what I didn’t want.

I also learned what I couldn’t accept, something that drives me to serve those who feel they are unworthy or who feel the pressure of others who want them to feel this way.

I know what it means when someone doesn’t let you fall and to honor them, I can’t let others fall either.

Oftentimes, the great career we build merely exists to provide us with the tools and abilities to accomplish something totally unrelated.  I believe that our lives are directed by a Higher Authority who fills our Life with experiences with a purposeful intention that goes far beyond the mundane lives we live.

Have you ever felt this way?

Someone is waiting for you to answer this question with your own truths.

What are you waiting for?

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Women's Health - The Worthlessness of Words Without Actions

“Faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” – James 2:17b (NKJV)

Infuse your life with action. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen... yourself, right now, right down here on Earth. - Bradley Whitford

My blog has been pretty quiet in terms of contributions these days.  Work has consumed much of my working time with whatever is left over for family, with the time spent comprising 2 of my 3 major projects in progress.

The third project is the one that torments me the most.

I am helping a woman rise above the vicious cycle of battery and abuse.

While I can’t get into the details of the situation because of court constraints and such, I am struck by the complexity of the situation.

Take a woman who has little sense of self-worth and self-value, having been battered or abused in one form or another, including verbal, financial and physical abuse, for over 50 years.

Add to that the place where she grew up and lived, rural towns in Western Canada, where statistics show abuse to be so shockingly common that it is almost considered to be normal by both abusers and their victims.

Then add to that a system that claims to care but then throws so many barriers in place that the abused woman has no idea what’s going on.  Imagine the confusion that comes from a dozen opinions from within the system, each contradicting the others and urging her to take action while doing everything it can to slow her down. In fairness, the ONE group that has stepped up is the RCMP.  They have been extremely supportive and informative and have offered everything within their power to provide assistance.  Unfortunately, they are also constrained by the rules of the law and can only act when the law calls for them to act.

And finally, add a series of actions that, if taken against most of us, would have stirred outrage in our hearts and minds and we would have taken action immediately.  Unfortunately, a battered woman has attained a level of desensitization over many years of abuse and the things that would affront most of us are either “minor” in the eyes of the battered woman or are actually defended – “it’s not a big deal”, “he’s just having a bad day”, “someday he will change”, etc.

When all of these things collide, it creates a bewildering scenario – a voice that alternates between cries for help and cries of defense of the abuser, a system not in a hurry to do much for the battered (but has plenty of processes that appear to defend the abuser) while urging haste, an enforcement system ready to defend the safety and honor of someone but who has its hands tied ….

… and a human being left blowing in the wind, not knowing what to do from one day to the next, with her fear alternating from fear of hurting the battered by her actions (yes – this happens) to wondering if he is coming in her direction to “express unhappiness” that his actions have been exposed.

As I stood on the 12th floor of the Provincial Courthouse in Calgary on Friday, the floor where EPO (emergency protection orders) are filed, someone said something that struck me as I thought through all of this.

A representative of the court noted that she was lucky that I was helping her because in most cases, people can’t be bothered when they see the complexity of what is required or the potential danger they place themselves in when helping someone throw off an abuser.

His comment has been rattling around in my brain all weekend.

It doubly struck me because a couple of weeks ago, I was on the receiving end of an argument by a couple of women who claimed that all men are responsible regarding the problem of abuse against women - that men are either committing the abuse or they are allowing the abuse to happen.

In the argument that ensued when I tried to explain that many men work hard to defend the rights and honor of women, I was told I was wrong.

When I asked what they were doing to help abused women, they said they were being quiet for now for reasons unexplained.

Battered women don’t need us to be quiet.

They don’t just need words of support.

They don’t just need feel-good rallies in the streets and rah-rah press conferences.

They need someone to stand beside them, to convince them that they are worthy on the days when they feel that no one cares.

They need someone who cautions them against falling into old patterns and returning to the lair of the abuser.

They need someone to guide them through the minefields within the court system, a system that through its checks and balances sometimes appears to the battered woman to be placing the abuser’s rights ahead of her own or through its detailed processes, exhausts someone who is already exhausted beyond measure on levels we couldn’t comprehend.

They need someone who can show them that what they have suffered is not normal or acceptable and that they must fight for the right to be treated with dignity, respect and honor.

And they need someone to prove to them that better days are ahead, brighter days than they have likely imagined are even possible.

Because when we stand on the sidelines and read statistics, pat women on the back and say “You can do this” and walk away, spend time in feel-good rallies or spend time on social media sharing articles about abuse and the like, we may think we are doing something when we are in fact doing nothing.

The battered woman often stands alone in the courtroom or at home (wondering if the abuser is coming to get her).

And I for one can’t accept this, especially from a civilisation that claims to be at the pinnacle of its enlightenment and justice.

Why do you?

What are you willing to do about it?

Someone is waiting for you to stand up beside them and for them.

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum - What Men Think About Violence Against Women in Alberta

A study was just released outlining what men think about violence against women in Alberta. Given how many cases of violence have been brought to the attention of police and given how many incidents are never reported, I wonder about this report (including how many abusers or victims answered their questions truthfully). The report can be found here.

Thought for the day: If we put as much thinking into how the victim feels as we do in feeling outrage when we consider the abuser's offenses, I wonder if we would be more motivated to solve this heinous issue in society.

What do you think?

---

Kill or Be Killed–The Pervasiveness of Predators in Our Society

“There are enough movies, websites, books, and blogs on how to catch a man.  It’s only fair to teach a young lady how not to be caught – at least not by the wrong one” – B.D. .Foley (retired CIA operations officer), “CIA Street Smarts for Women”

He was going to hurt her so bad before he killed her so dead, and all she could think of was how hot his kiss had been in the dream and how delicate the touch of his finger was as it traced down her body.”
― Thea Harrison, “Dragon Bound”

The following story contains coarse language and sexual content that may be offensive to some readers. 

Readers offended by such language should not proceed unless one has a heart for those who fall to the sick desires of the broken and a desire to make this world a better one, safer from the predators that exist all around us.

As with all things I write, this one is written for an important purpose.

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

---

“Anything good happening in the news?”, a voice asked.

Abigail looked up from the news magazine she had been reading.  A man stood above her, smiling affably.

“Not a whole lot”, she replied, smiling back, “The usual panic about the world coming to an end.”

“How true”, he replied, his eyes locking onto hers, “That’s why I prefer to fill my head with positive things only.”

They chatted for a while and Abigail thought he was a pretty interesting, well-read guy.  He seemed interested in her and so she never thought anything of it when she offered up her cell number with a promise to get together over coffee later.

---

A few days later, Abigail found herself with the stranger again, this time in a small coffee shop.  He had seemed pretty insistent that they meet soon and she shrugged off his insistence as something typical of any go-getter.

They chatted easily over many subjects and she left the coffee shop after a few hours, not paying attention to the warning signs that were being screamed at her.

---

The texts followed soon after and were frequent and persistent.  What started as playful texts turned into suggestive texts and soon became extremely explicit.  While this would ordinarily have turned off many women, she had been in a couple of abusive relationships in her lifetime and she saw the texts as coming from someone showing a keen interest in her.  She responded in kind and their texting turned into highly erotic conversations.

Abigail felt like someone finally cared for her.

---

Over the next couple of weeks, the simple meeting in a book store turned into a series of sexual rendezvous.  She noticed that he often brought alcohol even though she protested that she often felt out-of-control with less than a glass of it.

“Drink up”, he said when she protested, “We’re all friends here.”

Time became a blur in their relationship and Abigail found that she was losing herself inside the ever-strengthening dominant personality of her new lover.  He had asked for a loan of her trailer and she had given it to him, not realizing that such a simple act of generosity also gave him leverage over her.

Their lover’s trysts began to change over time as well.  After they had met a number of times in different hotels and at her place, he suggested over a drink in their hotel room about taking a few photos for “a little fun”.  She didn’t think there was anything wrong with that and it seemed a little exciting so she agreed.

She posed for a number of photos in various stages of undress and total undress and as she did so, he told her how hot she was.

“Look at how hard you are making me”, he said as he continued to take photos.

“It feels good to feel wanted and to know I am turning him on”, she thought.

---

A few weeks later, she found herself responding to his demand to meet at the hotel again.  As she walked into the hotel, she found herself dreading what was coming next but she could stop herself. 

“What am I doing?”, she asked herself, “He demands that I show up and I do it even thought it doesn’t feel right.”

Sometime later and after a couple of drinks of gin, he began taking pictures of her again.

“Do you know what would be really hot?”, he asked.

“What?”, Abigail asked.

“I think you would look hot if you were tied up”, he said.

“I’m not sure”, Abigail said hesitatingly.

“Don’t worry”, he replied as he retrieved some cord from a bag, “You will like it.”

Abigail soon found herself bound hand and foot.

“Mmmmmmm”, he said, “You are hot.  Look how hard you are making me.”

After taking a number of photos, he laid his phone down and reaching into his overnight bag, pulled out a cane.

He struck her across the legs with it.

“You like that, don’t you?”, he said sternly.

Abigail’s eyes watered instantly at the sting and fear filled her body.  She now feared for her Life but didn’t know what would happen if she angered him.

She nodded silently and he whipped her again.

“You’re such a naughty girl”, he said, “You want this, don’t you, bitch?”

Abigail nodded.

“Answer me”, he commanded, “You want this, don’t you?”

“Yes”, she said quietly, “I want this.”

“Louder”, he commanded.

“Yes”, she said, “I want this.”

“Yes, you do”, he said and he proceeded to cane her across her legs as she howled in pain.

As she begged him to stop, he told her that he knew she really wanted to be a “bad girl” and he was going to help her live her fantasy.

Later, he untied her and held her through the night and in the morning they parted.

She drove home in silence, her body aching from the caning and her mind numb and confused.

---

He called a few days later, demanding that they get together again.  She replied that she felt uncomfortable with her last visit.  “In fact”, she told him, “I’m feeling very uncomfortable about seeing you again.”

“Well that’s a little too bad, isn’t it?”, he asked.

“What do you mean?’, Abigail asked fearfully.

“Wellllll”, he said, drawing his words out for effect, “If you don’t want to meet me, what do I do with all of these photos of you?  It would be a shame if these photos got leaked online, maybe to your friends or your business associates or maybe to your family.”

There was silence on the line.

“I’m staying at the usual hotel”, he said confidently and hung up.

Two hours later, Abigail found herself crying uncontrollably as he whipped her mercilessly.

As the evening wore one, he held her, telling her what a good girl she was.  She heard little of what said until he suggested that he felt it was time to discuss the company that she owned and how he felt he would do a better job of running it than she did.

She left in the morning, her body feeling the sting of the previous day’s activities while her mind was numb.

---

A week later, she stared at the phone as the texts from him came in.  He was demanding to see her again and interspersed within those texts, was telling her how important it was that she consider turning control of her company over to him.  He was also asking her for money for other ventures and she stared at her phone in absolute fear.

Suddenly another text appeared from another source.

“Just reaching out to say hi and to wish you an awesome day”, the text from Gabriel read.

Without a second thought, she got in her truck and drove three hours to see Gabriel and over many tears, confessed to what she had been experiencing.

Gabriel listened in stunned silence, his heart breaking over what he was hearing while at the same time, feeling the anger surging within him.

She explained how she had met up with the guy and how he worked at a not-for-profit that promoted computer services to small towns and other not-for-profit agencies.

After Abigail had finished her story, they both sat in silence, each reflecting on what had been confessed.

Gabriel cleared his throat and spoke quietly.

“You realize that if he did this to you, it is likely that he has done or is doing this to other women”, he said.

Abigail nodded silently.

“In his professional position, he also has many opportunities to find victims”, Gabriel said, his mind churning over the problematic possibilities.

Abigail nodded again in silence.

“I have something you need to read”, Gabriel said, “Let’s meet tomorrow.”

They hugged briefly and as they walked towards the door of the coffee shop, Gabriel stopped her.

“It is important that you know that you are a divine human being worthy of everything great.”, he said, “This guy is a predator who seeks to destroy others for his own sick needs.  Do you understand this?  You are a worthy human being who must not submit yourself to such people.”

Abigail looked at him, swallowed hard and nodded.

“Say it”, Gabriel said firmly.

“I am a divine human being worthy of everything great”, Abigail said quietly.

“Good”, said Gabriel, “Keep saying that.  Block this guy and we will meet tomorrow.”

---

Gabriel and Abigail met the next day.

“Has he reached out to you?”, Gabriel asked after they had exchanged perfunctory greetings.

“Yes”, she said, “He is demanding to know why I won’t respond to him.”

“Good”, Gabriel replied, “We will take care of him.  In the meantime, I would like you to read this book.”

Abigail looked at the book he offered.

“CIA Street Smarts for Women?”, she asked.

“Spy skills to tell the prince from the predator”, said Gabriel, pointing at the tag line on the book, “The guy who wrote this used to be a CIA operations officer.  He is a great guy who is sharing the skills he learned in the CIA to help women avoid the situation you are in.”

Abigail said nothing but felt her eyes filling with hot tears.

“Don’t worry”, Gabriel said gently, “We will fix this.”

Gabriel pulled out his phone, dialled a number and waited for an answer.

The other party picked up the phone and Gabriel spoke quietly.

“Hello, Jim?”, he asked.

To be continued.

---

© 2016 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

The story you just read is a true story although a description of the actual acts committed and the timeline have been shortened for brevity and taste.  I have spared the reader the psychology analysis here in order to keep the story engaging albeit disturbing. The story has been shared here with the permission of "Abigail".

The book Gabriel presented to Abigail is real.

CIA Street Smarts for Women – Spy Skills to Tell the Prince from the Predator, by B. D. Foley, is a powerful book that can equip any woman against the many predators out there.

And yes, B.D. Foley is actually a retired CIA operations officer.

If you care about your daughter, your sister, a woman who is divorced or widowed or your best friend and you sense something is wrong in their relationship or they could find themselves in trouble, honor your instinct and your love for the other person and get a copy of this book for them.

Predators don’t just exist in the world of Hollywood or in cases like the Jian Ghomeshi case currently playing out in a Canadian court.

They are everywhere as Abigail discovered.

Don’t let such a predator destroy the Life of someone who matters to you.

What happened to the predator in this case?

Go here to read more – Answering the Cry for Help.

Predators prey on the uninformed or those whose sense of self-worth is so low that they easily fall to the beguiling patter of the predator.

Predators are allowed to hone their art and create the carnage they create when the rest of us pretend they don’t exist or when we don’t do what needs to be done to prevent them from hurting others. They know how to identify their targets, how to approach them and how to ensnare them. We need to understand how they operate and find the right tools to counter their efforts.

B.D. Foley's book provides those tools.

We are either part of the problem of part of the solution.

Which one are you?

Buy the book.

It matters.

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Your Power to Reinvent a Life

Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God - Bob Pierce

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

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It was a cold day in NYC as Gabriel stamped his feet in a vain effort to stay warm. He had just come from a meeting of colleagues and friends to thank them for completing their annual Christmas project.  “Wow”, he thought, “$365,000 raised to provide Christmas gifts to 763 battered women and children hiding in shelters.  My network is …….. incredible.”

His eyes started to mist up as he thought about their generosity and he stamped his feet again in the cold.

As if reading his thoughts, the lady standing next to him at the bus stop said, “Public transit always seems like a good option until you’re freezing your buns off”, causing Gabriel to laugh. 

“You’re reading my mind”, he said as he turned to smile at her.

As he cast his eyes upon her, his eyes widened slightly.at the sight of her winter coat.  “That’s a very nice coat”, he said.

“Thank you”, she replied as she smiled, “I’m told that it’s a very exclusive coat available in only one store in America.”

Gabriel was still slightly in shock as he looked at her.  “You don’t know where you got your coat from?”, he asked.

“Well”, she said as she looked down at her boots, “It’s a little complicated and embarrassing.”

“What do you mean?”, asked Gabriel, feeling his curiosity rise.

“Well”, she continued, “I don’t know who bought the coat.”

“How is that possible?”, asked Gabriel as he sensed something developing around them.

“Well”, she said quietly, “I received this coat Christmas before last while I was in a battered woman’s shelter.  My soon-to-be ex-husband had been beating me up on a regular basis and one night I grabbed my kids and left.  A friend turned us on to a battered woman’s shelter and we spent that Christmas in hiding from my then-husband.”

“Wow”, said Gabriel, “I’m very sorry to hear that.  So someone at the shelter gave you the coat?”

“Sort of”, she replied, “One of the staff asked me one day what would my kids and I would like for Christmas and I thought she was joking.  I gave her a list and she left.  On Christmas morning, the lady came into our room with a bunch of wrapped gifts for myself and my kids.  When I opened my gifts, one of them was this coat.”

Gabriel swallowed hard as he listened but said nothing.

“Funny thing”, she said, “Up to then, I had the feeling that I wasn’t worth much and there wasn’t much hope for my future or the future of my kids.  As I saw what was happening that Christmas, I realized that someone out there actually thought I mattered.”

She paused, took her glasses off and wiped her eyes.

“Do you know what it’s like to believe that you don’t matter?", she asked Gabriel.

“It must have been quite difficult”, Gabriel replied, relieved that his sunglasses hid his own misty eyes.

“It was but do you know what?  That coat changed my Life”, she said.

“How so?”, asked Gabriel.

“Well”, she replied, “When it sank in that I mattered, it occurred to me that I had been given a chance for a new start.  I took a look at my situation and realized that not only was this not the end for us but that we were worthy of everything we wanted and with that, I set out to create a new Life for myself and my kids.  Here I am almost two years later and our Life is starting to take off.  I have found someone who is very good to me, my divorce is almost final, I have a great job and my kids are the happiest they have been in a long time.”

She paused and wiped her eyes again.

“All because of a silly coat”, she said quietly.

“It’s not a silly coat”, said Gabriel as he swallowed hard, “It’s a very nice coat.”

“Thank you”, she said as she smiled.

There was a brief moment of silence before she turned to him again.  “Do you know what the most amazing thing of all is?”, she asked.

“What?”, asked Gabriel.

“I can’t thank the person who did this for us”, she replied, “I have no idea who it is and have been told I will never know.  I feel weird that I cannot thank the person who created a new Life for myself and my kids.”

“That is interesting indeed”, said Gabriel, “What would you say to the person if you know you were standing beside them?”

“Wow”, replied the woman as she contemplated Gabriel’s question, “I honestly don’t know.  I think I would be so overwhelmed with gratitude that I might find myself unable to speak at all.  Many times when I am walking around, I find myself imagining who of the people around me might be the one.”

She paused for a moment.

“I hope someday I get to thank them for what they have done for me and my kids”, she said quietly.

“I believe that someday you will get that opportunity”, Gabriel said, smiling.

“You think so?”, replied the woman. 

Gabriel nodded but said nothing, unable to respond as he felt his emotions overwhelming him.

Looking down the street, she saw her bus coming and exclaimed, “Finally!”

Gabriel followed her gaze and said, “Lucky you.  That’s not my bus.”

As the bus stopped in front of them, she turned to Gabriel and thanked him for the conversation.  “I hope you and your family have a great Christmas”, she said, “Thank you for listening to my story.”

“Thank you for sharing it”, replied Gabriel, “I wish you and your two boys a very Merry Christmas as well.”

She smiled, turned and stepped up into the bus. 

As she flashed her monthly pass to the driver, something occurred to her. 

“How did he know I have two boys?”, she asked.

“Excuse me?”, asked the bus driver.

She turned towards the door of the bus and noticed that the man had his phone up to his ear.

“Remember that special coat we ordered for the battered women’s shelter a couple of years ago?”, she heard him ask the person on the other end of the conversation.

She gasped ……

…… the door of the bus closed …..

….. and the bus drove away as she watched the man fade into the distance.

To be continued.

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© 2015 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Addendum - December 23, 2015

When I see videos like this (Warning – VERY disturbing content), with tens of thousands of likes and shares on Facebook, I wonder what kind of society we are creating.  Is it any wonder that so many people are desensitized when it comes to violence against women? [Author note - April 22, 2016: The offending video appears to have been taken down. It was a video of a man in his twenties beating a woman in the head with a metal collapsible chair. I don't know what was more disturbing, the fact that the video was made at all, that it was distributed or that it had hundreds of thousands of Facebook likes.]

We can and must do MUCH better.

Background

This story is a fictional musing based on an actual project.  This year, my colleagues and I raised $365,000 US and purchased gifts for 763 battered women and children in shelters.  The logistics are complex but the result is always worth it.

The project works like this.

We contact battered women’s shelters every Christmas and ask them to ask their guests what their needs are for Christmas.  They gather a list, send it to us and we fill it.  Some women refuse our request for pride reasons and many tell us to buy stuff for their kids only. 

The lists are often a mix of the practical (like coats and boots) as well as fun stuff like toys and games for their kids.

We are not allowed to see or meet these people for security reasons.  It is possible, from the shelter’s perspective, that we may in fact be “looking” for someone to report their location back to a batterer.  I have also been told that we would recognize some of the women, being wives of politicians, well-known businessmen, entertainers and the like and such recognition could produce complexity for them.

As I thought about the conclusion of this year’s project, I wondered – “Whatever becomes of the people that we have helped over the years.  Do they fall back into old traps and broken relationships or do they turn their Life around, having been shown that they matter by a complete stranger whom they will never meet?  Do they look at every stranger in the years that follow and wonder if that person is “the one””

I chose to believe the better reality when this story came to mind.

Find a way to help someone in need.

You NEVER know what outcome it will produce.

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Christmas and the Gifts That Cannot Be Bought–A Repost

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. – William Arthur Ward

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Sharing this story has become an annual tradition for me at this time of year and so, by popular demand, I share it once again (with a few minor modifications).

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Some years ago when Harry Jr. was very young, I had pulled into a Toys R Us parking lot in New Jersey on Christmas Eve to buy him more "stuff".  Even though my son had so much stuff that he rivalled Toys R Us in inventory, for some reason I felt like I had not purchased enough for him for Christmas.

Just before I stepped out of my vehicle, a story came on my favorite National Public Radio station (WNYC in New York) and something about it caught my ear.

For the next 10 minutes, I sat in silence and listened to the story.  When the story was over, I started my truck and drove out of the parking lot in silence.

I had received an important message about Christmas when I needed to hear it.  The “teacher” always appears when the student is ready and my Christmases have never been the same since.

Of the many traditions I have at Christmas, there are two that I find to be important:

1. I always listen to the story I heard on WNYC at least once.
2. I always share the story with others and encourage them to listen to it.

The story I am referring to can be found here and in the video below.

Henry Faulk–Christmas Story

Listen to the story closely and after it has moved your heart, follow your instinct and allow it to guide you in what you do next.

The Nature of Gifts

When we are young, we look forward to the gifts that Santa will bring and that family and friends will give us.

As we move into adulthood, we learn to appreciate the opportunity to give gifts to those who are important to us as well as those to whom we send gifts to anonymously.  At the same time, we are bombarded by commercials encouraging us to buy as much as we can for others and to treat ourselves as well to “small” items such as new automobiles, expensive vacations, etc.

While the ability to give and receive gifts in difficult times is a privilege, there are many gifts around us that no one could ever afford if a price tag reflecting their true value were applied to them – gifts such as but not limited to love, friendship, camaraderie, companionship and service.

And as I reflect upon my personal and professional Life and I remember the great people who have come into my Life, whether to lift me, enrich me, teach me, learn from me or test me, I realize that some of the greatest gifts that I have received in my day-to-day Life, in addition to my faith, are those people who have made me a better person.

Where would I be without those people who knowingly or unknowingly taught me, influenced me, guided me, lifted me or corrected me?

More importantly, how can I thank so many people for such valuable gifts?

In truth, it would take as long to thank them (or longer) than the years I have remaining, but I suspect for many of them, it would be gratitude enough if I took the opportunity to make sure that I do for others as others have done for me.

Difficult times are with us and before us.  As you take time during the holidays to buy tangible gifts for others, don’t forget the value of your intangible gifts.  Gifts such as love, kindness, friendship and support are much more valuable, last much longer, never break, never tarnish, never need batteries, are always the right size, are always in style and will affect far more people than the tangible ones.

And unlike many gifts that never fit, these gifts are never returned as undesired and in fact, are often returned in kind or paid forward (oftentimes in multiples of the original gift).

When we receive such intangible gifts, we know their importance and their value.

Let’s remember this when we choose to put these gifts “under the tree” of someone who could use them this holiday season or any time of the year.

As you celebrate this holiday season, please remember those who are not as fortunate as you are.  There is more than enough love to go around – we just need to make the effort to share it unconditionally.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy EID or Merry Yule.

However you celebrate these days, cherish them.

And help others find a way to cherish them as well.

In service and servanthood, love and gratitude.  Create a great holiday experience for yourself and others, because merely having one is too passive an experience.

Harry

The Power of the Magical Geranium

Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another. - Napoleon Hill

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

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Abigail sat in the deserted coffee shop and idly played with her coffee cup.  She had had a full week and despite the feeling of being very busy, she somehow felt that she had accomplished very little if anything useful.

“Rough week, huh?”, asked a voice beside her.

Abigail jumped, unaware that anyone had entered the empty coffee shop.

She glanced up to see a casually dressed, clean cut man of indeterminate age smiling down at her.

“May I?”, he asked, gesturing towards the chair across the table from her.

“Oh great”, Abigail thought, “I just want to be left alone.”

Before she could turn him down, he smiled and as if reading her mind, said, “You probably prefer to be left alone” and then sat down anyway.

Abigail was too tired to protest and shrugged her shoulders in silent acquiescence.

“Rough week?”, the stranger asked again, staring at her intently but gently.

“I guess so”, replied Abigail, “It just didn’t go the way I had planned and the many things I meant to accomplish remain unfinished.”

“I see”, replied the stranger, “Were these things that you meant to accomplish or that you were meant to accomplish?”

Abigail frowned in confusion, too tired to untangle the question that the stranger asked her.

“I’m not sure what you mean”, she replied, lost in confusion and fatigue.

The stranger smiled.  “Before I answer the question, I would like to tell you a story if I may”, he said.

Without waiting for permission from Abigail, he began to tell the story.

“There was once a family who lived in poverty, with every part of their Life being a struggle.  One day, a neighbor brought a flower over to Mrs. Smith, the lady of the house, and as she gave it to her, she said, ‘This is a magical geranium.  It will change your Life.’  ‘How will it do that?’, asked Mrs. Smith to which the neighbor smiled and replied, ‘You will see.’ and she left.”

“Mrs. Smith shrugged, placed the geranium on the dining room table and went about her chores.  A little while later, she was staring at the table and realized how cluttered it looked with the beautiful red flower sitting in the center.  ‘This won’t do’, she muttered as she proceeded to clean the table.  After the table was properly cleaned, she thought it made the dining room look pretty shabby and so she cleaned the entire room.”

The stranger paused, intently watching Abigail’s reaction but she said nothing as she listened.

The stranger continued.

“After Mrs. Smith had cleaned the dining room, she felt that the kitchen was too dirty in relation to the wonderfully clean dining room and so she cleaned the kitchen until it was spotless.  Seeing that the hour was late and that dinner preparation should be under way, she thought ‘I must create a meal that is worthy of this kitchen’ and though the cupboards were very lean, she put more effort into creating the meal than she had done in her living memory.  She placed the meal on the table with her best dishes and called the family to dinner.”

“When the meal was ready, she called the family to dinner and was appalled at their state of dress.  ‘There is no way you are sitting at this table dressed like that’, she said sternly and sent them upstairs to clean up, insisting that they wear the best clothing they had.”

“A short while later, her family came back downstairs and were seated around the table.  Her husband gazed at the splendor before him and looked at his wife, seeing her beauty in a way he had never seen before.  ‘What is happening here?’, he asked as he marvelled at the clean house, the incredible meal, his beautiful wife and his wonderful children.”

“’I don’t know’, she said, ‘It all started with this magical geranium’ and she gestured towards the flower in the middle of the table.

“The family ate in wonder and the evening passed with the family engaged in more conversation than any of them could remember.  The next morning, Mr. Smith got up earlier than normal, shaved and put on his best clothing.  ‘What are you doing?’, Mrs. Smith asked.  Mr. Smith shrugged, smiled and then said, ‘Our meal last night reminded me that you and our kids are worthy of better than I have provided so I am on my way to look for a better job that honors all of you.’  He gave her a kiss on the cheek, went downstairs and left the house.  She could hear him whistling as he walked down the street towards the bus stop.  Walking downstairs into the dining room, she saw the geranium …. and she wondered.”

The stranger stopped telling his story, leaned back and waited for Abigail to comment.

“I don’t get it”, Abigail mumbled, “What does my busy week have to do with flowers?”

“Ahhhhh”, the stranger said as he smiled, “You missed the key point.  It’s more than just about flowers.  In fact, Abigail, I am suggesting that you have been the magic geranium in the lives of others.”

Abigail frowned in confusion but before she could comment, the stranger continued his thought.  He recounted different things she had done for others this week, some insignificant and some more impactful.

“How does he know this?”, she thought but before she could ask him, he looked at her and said, “That is why I asked you if your to-do list for the week was made up of things that you meant to accomplish or that you were meant to accomplish.  Sometimes it is the former but sometimes, possibly more than you realize, it is the latter.  Unfortunately, we measure the success and productivity of our week by the former while the latter is often more impactful.”

Abigail stared into the eyes of the stranger.  His gaze was deep and piercing but gentle and she felt her eyes well up as what he had said dawned on her.

She started to speak but he gently held up a hand and interrupted her.  “Don’t speak, Abigail”, he said gently, “Reflect on this for a while and then decide what it means to you.”

Abigail swallowed the lump in her throat and then, feeling a little awkward about crying in front of a stranger, stood up and told him that she needed to compose herself. 

She walked into the bathroom, splashed some water on her face and stared at herself in the mirror.  He was right – her priorities had been wrong all along.

Straightening up her clothing, she walked back out into the coffee shop.  Her brow furrowed in puzzlement when she realized that the stranger was gone.

She turned to the person behind the counter and asked, “Did the gentleman leave?”

“What gentleman?”, replied the young man, “Miss, we’ve been closed for over an hour.  I locked the door but I didn’t want to disturb you so I just left you alone.  No one has come or gone in the last hour.”

Abigail was confused and stared at the table, her head spinning as she wondered what had happened.

“How did he know what I did for others this week?”, she pondered.

As she wondered about this, something else dawned on her.

“How did he know my name?”

To be continued.

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© 2015 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

The story of the magical geranium, of which I presented a very abridged version of, was a story I remember as a child.  The story was one of many in a book entitled Read Aloud Funny Stories, published in 1958.  The book can be found in used condition here.

Many people I encounter often express the results of their week in terms of how busy they were, how productive they were, etc.  As a long time Wall St’er, I do the same.

As someone who is measured by results (and who measures himself by results), I am often very self-critical in regards to what I believe I have accomplished in a day or a week.  It is a sad by-product of a modern society that believes every thing we set out to accomplish is important and urgent (referencing Stephen Covey’s works) – the notion that our sense of discernment is unable to distinguish between activity and productivity and the impact, usefulness or usefulness of either of them.

Many things we set out to do are important and some are urgent.  Our sense of discernment regarding how our to-do list is categorized is often flawed, however, and so it becomes easy to become self-critical when the result is evaluated or a result is unknown.

As this story came to mind today, I thought, “I wonder how many times we change someone’s Life and are not aware of it, thus creating a greater, more impactful result than anything we could have planned.”

Productivity and results matter in my world and likely matter in yours.

But in your day-to-day execution, especially at times when you wonder if you are getting done “what you are supposed to get done”, be gentle with yourself and ask what other things you may have accomplished – ask yourself, “Were the things that I accomplished things that I meant to accomplish or things I was meant to accomplish?”

The subtle difference makes all the difference and an honest answer may surprise you.

Many of us have had events and people come into our lives that were similar to the magical geranium that Mrs. Smith received.

Have you been someone else’s magical geranium?

Are you sure?

How do you know?

What do you need to do about it?

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.