Alberta–Where Women’s Safety Doesn’t Matter

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing. - Lundy Bancroft

The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. - Lundy Bancroft

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others. - Albert Schweitzer

I have a question that perhaps you can help me with.

This is not a #1206 fiction blog that many of you have come to enjoy.

This is not, as my son describes, one of my parables.

This is not one of my skewers of some misguided politician.

And sorry to disappoint you, but I have no opinion on Brexit.

Here is my question.

A woman in small town Alberta has been chased from her property by an abusive son who was the son of a physically and emotionally abusive father.  The father died when the child was young and the child grew up to be an abusive son, coercing and manipulating his mother emotionally and financially.

He threatened her physically and drained her of tens of thousands of dollars in cash over a period of more than a decade.  She has been informed by the RCMP that she cannot return to her property until a way is found to remove him from the property (something that is caught up in “due process”), even though this property is her primary residence and her sole source of income.

An Emergency Protection Order (EPO) was requested but denied.  According to due process, a person with a documented anger issue, a drug abuse issue and firearms cannot be considered a threat to a person's health if they merely threaten the person's Life - they must take action first and then the EPO can be issued (hopefully with the idea that the person hasn't been killed already).  A judge said this week that due process in such cases is ridiculous and that she should just claim her property with him being automatically removed but due process continues to grind anyway.

He has four unsecured firearms on the premises and has been identified by a number of legal and enforcement officials as having a serious but as yet unidentified mental health condition.

He has admitted to the RCMP of addiction to a number of substances with cocaine being his preferred drug of choice.  People have called him and left him messages looking for fentanyl.

The property that his mother has been chased from has outbuildings which he has added new locks to to keep prying eyes from seeing “something”.  These outbuildings are used to generate an income for the owner but that income is in jeopardy since the equipment needed to generate that income is locked inside buildings that the owner cannot access because she is not allowed to return to the property.

He lives in a farmhouse that, once beautiful, has now been documented by RCMP as filled with garbage, feces and cocaine residue and is basically uninhabitable.  He stole a property marker from someone else's residence and put it on the property that he is located on with the hopes of hiding his address from police.

He has expressed on Facebook that he hates Life, Life (and the world) make him angry and that he has dodged being arrested in the past.

His self-esteem is at zero, adding a Facebook "Like" when people call him a "c**ksniffer", "homosexual douche bag", "loser", etc., making him a candidate for displaced aggression as he absorbs abuse from people and then redirects the negative energy he has absorbed to other people.

And yet despite all of this, after a court-mandated 24-hour health assessment was executed by RCMP yesterday, he was released within an hour.

Here are some notable quotes from one of the doctors who performed the assessment when interrogated by the mother.

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Psychiatrist: I don’t know why he is here.  Why is he here?  We have no reason to keep him.

Mother: You are releasing him? Did you read the affidavit that caused him to be taken in (the affidavit describes 8 pages of propensity towards violent behavior mixed with possible drug addiction and possession of firearms)?

Psychiatrist response: I read some document about a messy house or something.

My observation: Attention to detail makes all the difference.

---

Mother: He has threatened me repeatedly, including making references to bullets and telling me that if I return to my own house, that something bad will happen to me.  He has posted videos on Facebook showing women being beaten viciously by men and he thinks it is funny.  He has fits of uncontrollable anger where he throws things at people.  These and other things are in the affidavit.

Psychiatrist response: People get angry, you know.

My observation: There is a significant difference between anger, which is not uncommon, and threatening to hurt someone, potentially by shooting them.

---

Mother: In addition to the threats he has issued, he was, in his own words and by my observation, abused by his father.  He has also told people that he hates the world and that the world makes him angry.

Psychiatrist response: That is not relevant

My observation: According to psychiatry texts, there is an established correlation between being abused and growing up with mental health issues as a result (including becoming an abuser).

---

Mother: He lives in squalor, living in his own garbage and feces.

Psychiatrist response: Maybe the toilets are not working.

My observation: The toilets work fine. It is not normal to live in one's own feces and garbage.

---

Mother: The court ordered a 24-hour health assessment, which means he can be held against his will while a battery of tests are conducted to determine what the concerns are.

Psychiatrist response: I can’t hold him against his will.  If he has issues, we will provide him with material so that he can explore programs available to him.

My observation: People who have specific illness often do not have sufficient capability to understand that they need help or how to obtain it even if they decide they need it.

---

Psychiatrist response: Does he hear voices or does he talk to God?

Mother: I don't know.  How would I know that?  Why don't you ask him that?

Psychiatrist response: Well, if he doesn't do those things, there is likely nothing wrong with him.

My observation: People of faith talk to God on a regular basis - it is called prayer and last I checked, wasn't considered a reason to be considered mentally ill.

---

Mother: What kind of questions did you ask him?

Psychiatrist response: I can't tell you - client privilege.

My observation: I wonder if the standard assessment tests were ordered and if so, how they could have been conducted so quickly (in less than an hour).  While the answers might be privileged, it is likely the case that the questions shouldn't be (if any were asked at all).

---

Two hours later when the RCMP found out he had been released, the constable on duty called the hospital and, on the record, tore a couple of layers off the doctor.  He also told the mother that he had half a mind to drag the doctor to the house to show the doctor what condition the individual was living in.

And now a person with an identified serious anger issue, hatred against women issues, drug addiction and firearm’s possession is back on the streets.  Hopefully he is not thinking revenge after the embarrassment of being brought to a hospital by police.

Here is my question that I am hoping you can help me with.

Why?

If this individual had attacked a member of the LGBTQ community, a Syrian refugee or an animal, there would be hell to pay (and rightfully so).

And yet, the individual’s mother has to wonder, as the system grinds its way through wondering how to deal with this, if she is even safe.  She is not permitted to return to her primary residence and her sole source of income is being threatened.

It sounds and looks like she is living in a third-world country where women's rights to safety don't matter.

The Bottom Line

The last time I checked, Alberta was supposed to be a modern province in the modern nation of Canada.

But if the system is going to allow women to be treated like this, protecting a predator while victims are left to scramble for their own safety and sanity, then it appears that we have more respect for the cattle that roam the prairies than the women who live there.

Maybe there’s the answer.

While we’re branding the cattle, we can just brand the women also and tell them to forget that they have rights or that there is never a sense of urgency when their emotional, physical or financial security is at stake.

I think we MUST do much better.

While the system pontificates over due process and the rights of everyone, this woman and women like her fear for their safety.  At the same time, people who need help as is the case with the person with the issue are left to languish.  Providing them with self-service offerings to help themselves, when they are not in a position to make lucid decisions that would enable them to avail of such services, leaves people without the help they need.  Hopefully, neither person becomes a statistic as due process takes whatever time it needs or wants.

I don’t think this is right or acceptable.

What do you think?

What can we do about it?

What are we waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum

A police officer observed that even when they dropped off people who attempted suicide by slitting their wrists, they are often released within two hours.  Does this honor people who are in trouble?  I don't think so.

What do you think?

---

Addendum - Irony - June 30, 2016

In a twist of irony (and somewhat of an insult), the mother described in this story had a message left on HER voicemail today.  It was the Canadian Mental Health Association - they wanted to know how the son was doing.  Given the complexities that the mother and son are embroiled in within the legal system, given how the mother is the one who had her physical safety threatened and given the son's involvement with drugs (possibly dealing as well as using) it is an odd call that likely will not generate a reply.

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Addendum - Warning - July 3, 2016

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Harnessing the Power of an Abuser to Defeat Them

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing. - Lundy Bancroft

The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. - Lundy Bancroft

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others. - Albert Schweitzer

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

---

Abigail sat in a quiet coffee shop, staring at her laptop screen.  She had endured one legal form after another for many months and still they kept coming.

“Will this thing ever end?”, she sighed to herself.

Sometimes she wondered if the system was designed to protect the people who hurt others.

“That couldn’t be true, could it?”, she thought to herself, “Maybe it was easier to give up and go back to him.  It seems less stressful than this.”

Her phone rang and she glanced at it for a moment before answering it.

She spoke to the man on the other end of the line for a few minutes but was suddenly surprised when he interrupted her, asking her what was really going on in her Life.

She hesitated a moment, wondering what to say and then said “Well, I’ve had a problem with him for about a year or so …..”

Suddenly the phone was taken out of her hand by a man who sat down across from her.

“Hello”, the man said into the phone, “My name is Gabriel.  Here is what is happening.  Abigail was emotionally and physically abused by her husband for many years and when he died, her son took over.  He has extended the abuse to …..”

Abigail waved her hands and shook her fists in anger at Gabriel as he outlined to the person on the other end of the phone about the 30+ years of abuse that Abigail had endured from her husband and now her son.

Gabriel listened for a few minutes as the voice on the other end of the call thanked him for bringing clarity to some things he had suspected for a long time.  Gabriel thanked him for listening, ended the call and passed the phone back to Abigail.

“What the hell did you do that for?”, Abigail asked, “Who the hell are you?  That’s nobody else’s business.”

Gabriel smiled at Abigail as he allowed her to release her anger against him.

When he felt she was done, he held up his hand to silence her.

“Before I answer your questions, I’d like to tell you a story”, Gabriel began.

Abigail started to protest but the look in Gabriel’s eyes silenced her.

“Good”, said Gabriel, “Blessed silence.”

He continued.

“There once was a friend of mine who was bullied incessantly in school, with some bullies accompanying him for his entire school Life, taunting him from grade 1 or 2 right up to when he graduated high school.  They did everything they could to keep him down to their level, a level filled with pain, anxiety and a desire to go nowhere in Life.”

“What happened to him?”, asked Abigail.

“Oh, he grew up and went on to quite a successful career”, replied Gabriel, “But it didn’t come without help along the way from people who helped him when he needed it the most.”

“In fact”, continued Gabriel, “They were sent to serve people and when their job was done, they left but he never forgot them.”

“What do you mean?", she asked.

“Well”, replied Gabriel, “One of them died of heart failure a year after high school.  Another, after helping her children get a good start at Life, took her own Life as the pain she had helped others overcome for years became too much for her to carry.  He still stops by to visit their burial places every year when he is in his hometown.”

“Why are you telling me this?”, asked Abigail.

“Excellent question”, replied Gabriel, “This man went on to a very successful career, far exceeding any plans he or anyone else had for him.  However, he never forgot what could have happened had the bullies of his youth been successful in destroying his belief in himself.  He also never forgot what people had done for him without any reward for themselves.  As the years went by and he became more enabled to help others, he realized that his experiences were not unique and that there were many people out there who sought to hurt or diminish others.  He believed that his career and Life experiences had prepared him to help others and so he set about to serve others and to lift them out of abusive situations.”

“Wow”, said Abigail quietly, “He must have been very bitter.”

“Not so”, replied Gabriel, “He had no patience for those who hurt others but he was always willing to find ways for people to heal themselves if they were earnest and honest about doing so.  Some years ago, he had returned home and found himself at a gas station standing next to someone who had bullied him as a child.  The person he observed was poorly dressed and had no teeth.  He introduced himself to “the bully” and instead of the bully responding harshly, the bully started speaking to him about how he was trying to turn his Life around.”

Gabriel paused but Abigail said nothing.

“My friend listened to the bully for a while before taking out a business card and offering it to him.  He told the bully that if he could help him in any way, then he should reach out to my friend.  The bully looked up at him with tears in his eyes and asked “Would you really do that for me?” to which my friend replied “Of course”.”

“They said goodbyes and went on to live their respective lives.  Two weeks later, my friend received a call telling him that “the bully” had died suddenly of a heart attack, not having reached his goal of turning his Life around.”

Abigail sat for a moment, taking in the story before saying quietly, “Life is short.”

“Yes it is”, replied Gabriel.

They sat in silence for a while.

Gabriel cleared is throat and began to speak.

“My friend has helped a lot of people overcome abuse over the years.  Do you know why he does it?”, Gabriel asked as he stared intently at Abigail.

Abigail shook her head but said nothing.

“Every time he sees someone battered or bullied”, began Gabriel, “He sees himself in their place.  He remembers how alone or afraid he felt and he thinks about what would have happened if they had been successful in diminishing his Spirit.  He doesn’t do this on purpose.  He actually can’t help it and in some strange unusual transference, he sees the person’s bullies and batterers as the ones who sought to diminish him as a child.”

Abigail swallowed hard, wondering what kind of person this was.

“He knows that his Life became what it was not only because he didn’t give up but because other people entered his Life at the right moments and lifted him in just the right ways.  They didn’t stay in his Life forever but he never forgot them and felt that to honor their gift to him, that he needed to do the same for others.”

“By the same token”, Gabriel continued, “while he has a zero tolerance policy for bullies and batterers, he never fought them head-to-head at their level because he knew this would only fuel what drives them.  He realized that his career provided much smarter, more effective ways of nullifying their negativity than direct, useless, angry confrontations.  In cases like the bully he met years later, he demonstrated that he could forgive but only if the person knew they needed to change their lives.  He did this because he knew that the man standing before him would be a great asset in helping prevent abuse of others.”

“Unfortunately that didn’t come to fruition”, said Gabriel quietly, “Life is short, as you noted.”

“When my friend sees someone else bullied or battered”, concluded Gabriel, “He simply must help them.  He feels that to not do so would not honor those people who helped him.  He also wants the battered and bullied to have a taste of the Life he has enjoyed, a Life only possible when one shakes off the yoke of intimidation, diminishment and abuse.  He sees your abuser as abusing him as a child.  Maybe it’s twisted but everyone has a motivation that is often unseen or not easily understood.”

“Wouldn’t he want to release this feeling and move on?”, asked Abigail.

“Why?”, replied Gabriel, “It provides him with a great sense of purpose beyond merely building successful companies.”

“Do you know what he would say to you?”, Gabriel asked, staring in her eyes intently.

“What?”, Abigail replied, unable to look away from his penetrating gaze.

“He would tell you to stand up for yourself and honor the divine Spirit within you.  You are worthy of so much more than an abuser wants you to believe of yourself.  You have aspirations and talents that will take you far in your Life.  Your abuser doesn’t want you to see this and in fact, wants you to see a Life constrained by their narrow view of the world and themselves.  In your weakest moments, fight the voice in your head that wants to give up and give in to the bully’s incessant pressure to diminish yourself.  If you give up, you trade away your Life, giving it to them to use in any way they see fit.  Unfortunately, they way they see it is filled with pain, hurt and diminishment for you.”

Gabriel paused for a moment.

“Forgive the expression”, he said, “But you are seen as a piece of worthless shit and will be seen and used as such until your end comes, whether that end be physical, emotional, financial or anything else.”

Abigail sat in silence, taking in the stranger’s story.

Gabriel nodded towards her cell phone.  “When you told your friend that this problem was a year in the making”, he said, “You in fact were lying not only to him but to yourself and to the Universe.  A friend asked you what was wrong and because you were embarrassed or didn’t want the world to know your secret, you diminished the problem.  Playing down a problem when the Universe sends someone to you tells the Universe you are in denial, inviting more complex, painful lessons to be imparted upon you until you are ready to accept and speak your truth.”

“When you speak your truth loudly”, continued Gabriel, “You invite the Universe to send people to you who will help you, just as my friend received help when he needed it.”

“Always speak your truth, Abigail”, said Gabriel as he stared at her intently.  “Acknowledge your truth, demand that which honors your Spirit and never allow anyone to diminish you. Help comes to those who do this.”

“And when I can’t do this?”, Abigail asked.

“In your weak moments, that’s when people like me show up in your Life”, replied Gabriel, his eyes glittering as he smiled.

He paused for a moment.

“After all", he said as he smiled, “The batterer who hurts you hurts me.”

Abigail’s eyes welled up as she realized what he had just said.

“And I really don’t want to be hurt”, replied Gabriel as he saw the truth dawning in her eyes, “I have too much living left to live.”

“So do you”, he said quietly.

Abigail’s eyes were momentarily blinded by the tears that flowed and she put her head down and wiped them.

Looking up to ask Gabriel a question, she realized ….

…. that she was alone.

To be continued.

---

© 2016 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

The story you have just read is a true story.  I am sending it as a long distance dedication to "Veronica" (name changed to protect her identity - she knows who she is).

We all have “Veronica’s” around us but we may not know their story or may know it but choose not to get involved.

It matters that we get involved.  CBC Television aired a program that demonstrates what happens when we don't take the subject of domestic abuse seriously.  The story of Basil Borutski, accused of the first degree murder of three domestic partners, can be found here.

As for Gabriel’s admission, I understand his position completely.

I am Gabriel.

And while bullies like Clifford, Gilbert, Barry, Paul and other people sought to diminish me over the years, I went on to a career that was filled with blessings.  Donna, who died in her first year of university, Bonnie who took her own Life when her demons overcame her and Tim who tried to turn his Life around but was cut short before he could do so, remind me that we are called to serve and that Life is short.

While IPOs and other things fill my Life and produce the most “awards”, the greatest “rewards” come from serving others.

We are given Life context for a reason.

Seeing this reason and doing something with it matters.

I could think harsh things about the bullies early in my Life who sought to diminish me but instead, I thank them.

They propelled me in ways they hadn’t hoped for and while I didn’t always know what I wanted, I knew what I didn’t want.

I also learned what I couldn’t accept, something that drives me to serve those who feel they are unworthy or who feel the pressure of others who want them to feel this way.

I know what it means when someone doesn’t let you fall and to honor them, I can’t let others fall either.

Oftentimes, the great career we build merely exists to provide us with the tools and abilities to accomplish something totally unrelated.  I believe that our lives are directed by a Higher Authority who fills our Life with experiences with a purposeful intention that goes far beyond the mundane lives we live.

Have you ever felt this way?

Someone is waiting for you to answer this question with your own truths.

What are you waiting for?

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Women's Health - The Worthlessness of Words Without Actions

“Faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” – James 2:17b (NKJV)

Infuse your life with action. Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen... yourself, right now, right down here on Earth. - Bradley Whitford

My blog has been pretty quiet in terms of contributions these days.  Work has consumed much of my working time with whatever is left over for family, with the time spent comprising 2 of my 3 major projects in progress.

The third project is the one that torments me the most.

I am helping a woman rise above the vicious cycle of battery and abuse.

While I can’t get into the details of the situation because of court constraints and such, I am struck by the complexity of the situation.

Take a woman who has little sense of self-worth and self-value, having been battered or abused in one form or another, including verbal, financial and physical abuse, for over 50 years.

Add to that the place where she grew up and lived, rural towns in Western Canada, where statistics show abuse to be so shockingly common that it is almost considered to be normal by both abusers and their victims.

Then add to that a system that claims to care but then throws so many barriers in place that the abused woman has no idea what’s going on.  Imagine the confusion that comes from a dozen opinions from within the system, each contradicting the others and urging her to take action while doing everything it can to slow her down. In fairness, the ONE group that has stepped up is the RCMP.  They have been extremely supportive and informative and have offered everything within their power to provide assistance.  Unfortunately, they are also constrained by the rules of the law and can only act when the law calls for them to act.

And finally, add a series of actions that, if taken against most of us, would have stirred outrage in our hearts and minds and we would have taken action immediately.  Unfortunately, a battered woman has attained a level of desensitization over many years of abuse and the things that would affront most of us are either “minor” in the eyes of the battered woman or are actually defended – “it’s not a big deal”, “he’s just having a bad day”, “someday he will change”, etc.

When all of these things collide, it creates a bewildering scenario – a voice that alternates between cries for help and cries of defense of the abuser, a system not in a hurry to do much for the battered (but has plenty of processes that appear to defend the abuser) while urging haste, an enforcement system ready to defend the safety and honor of someone but who has its hands tied ….

… and a human being left blowing in the wind, not knowing what to do from one day to the next, with her fear alternating from fear of hurting the battered by her actions (yes – this happens) to wondering if he is coming in her direction to “express unhappiness” that his actions have been exposed.

As I stood on the 12th floor of the Provincial Courthouse in Calgary on Friday, the floor where EPO (emergency protection orders) are filed, someone said something that struck me as I thought through all of this.

A representative of the court noted that she was lucky that I was helping her because in most cases, people can’t be bothered when they see the complexity of what is required or the potential danger they place themselves in when helping someone throw off an abuser.

His comment has been rattling around in my brain all weekend.

It doubly struck me because a couple of weeks ago, I was on the receiving end of an argument by a couple of women who claimed that all men are responsible regarding the problem of abuse against women - that men are either committing the abuse or they are allowing the abuse to happen.

In the argument that ensued when I tried to explain that many men work hard to defend the rights and honor of women, I was told I was wrong.

When I asked what they were doing to help abused women, they said they were being quiet for now for reasons unexplained.

Battered women don’t need us to be quiet.

They don’t just need words of support.

They don’t just need feel-good rallies in the streets and rah-rah press conferences.

They need someone to stand beside them, to convince them that they are worthy on the days when they feel that no one cares.

They need someone who cautions them against falling into old patterns and returning to the lair of the abuser.

They need someone to guide them through the minefields within the court system, a system that through its checks and balances sometimes appears to the battered woman to be placing the abuser’s rights ahead of her own or through its detailed processes, exhausts someone who is already exhausted beyond measure on levels we couldn’t comprehend.

They need someone who can show them that what they have suffered is not normal or acceptable and that they must fight for the right to be treated with dignity, respect and honor.

And they need someone to prove to them that better days are ahead, brighter days than they have likely imagined are even possible.

Because when we stand on the sidelines and read statistics, pat women on the back and say “You can do this” and walk away, spend time in feel-good rallies or spend time on social media sharing articles about abuse and the like, we may think we are doing something when we are in fact doing nothing.

The battered woman often stands alone in the courtroom or at home (wondering if the abuser is coming to get her).

And I for one can’t accept this, especially from a civilisation that claims to be at the pinnacle of its enlightenment and justice.

Why do you?

What are you willing to do about it?

Someone is waiting for you to stand up beside them and for them.

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum - What Men Think About Violence Against Women in Alberta

A study was just released outlining what men think about violence against women in Alberta. Given how many cases of violence have been brought to the attention of police and given how many incidents are never reported, I wonder about this report (including how many abusers or victims answered their questions truthfully). The report can be found here.

Thought for the day: If we put as much thinking into how the victim feels as we do in feeling outrage when we consider the abuser's offenses, I wonder if we would be more motivated to solve this heinous issue in society.

What do you think?

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Kill or Be Killed–The Pervasiveness of Predators in Our Society

“There are enough movies, websites, books, and blogs on how to catch a man.  It’s only fair to teach a young lady how not to be caught – at least not by the wrong one” – B.D. .Foley (retired CIA operations officer), “CIA Street Smarts for Women”

He was going to hurt her so bad before he killed her so dead, and all she could think of was how hot his kiss had been in the dream and how delicate the touch of his finger was as it traced down her body.”
― Thea Harrison, “Dragon Bound”

The following story contains coarse language and sexual content that may be offensive to some readers. 

Readers offended by such language should not proceed unless one has a heart for those who fall to the sick desires of the broken and a desire to make this world a better one, safer from the predators that exist all around us.

As with all things I write, this one is written for an important purpose.

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …

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“Anything good happening in the news?”, a voice asked.

Abigail looked up from the news magazine she had been reading.  A man stood above her, smiling affably.

“Not a whole lot”, she replied, smiling back, “The usual panic about the world coming to an end.”

“How true”, he replied, his eyes locking onto hers, “That’s why I prefer to fill my head with positive things only.”

They chatted for a while and Abigail thought he was a pretty interesting, well-read guy.  He seemed interested in her and so she never thought anything of it when she offered up her cell number with a promise to get together over coffee later.

---

A few days later, Abigail found herself with the stranger again, this time in a small coffee shop.  He had seemed pretty insistent that they meet soon and she shrugged off his insistence as something typical of any go-getter.

They chatted easily over many subjects and she left the coffee shop after a few hours, not paying attention to the warning signs that were being screamed at her.

---

The texts followed soon after and were frequent and persistent.  What started as playful texts turned into suggestive texts and soon became extremely explicit.  While this would ordinarily have turned off many women, she had been in a couple of abusive relationships in her lifetime and she saw the texts as coming from someone showing a keen interest in her.  She responded in kind and their texting turned into highly erotic conversations.

Abigail felt like someone finally cared for her.

---

Over the next couple of weeks, the simple meeting in a book store turned into a series of sexual rendezvous.  She noticed that he often brought alcohol even though she protested that she often felt out-of-control with less than a glass of it.

“Drink up”, he said when she protested, “We’re all friends here.”

Time became a blur in their relationship and Abigail found that she was losing herself inside the ever-strengthening dominant personality of her new lover.  He had asked for a loan of her trailer and she had given it to him, not realizing that such a simple act of generosity also gave him leverage over her.

Their lover’s trysts began to change over time as well.  After they had met a number of times in different hotels and at her place, he suggested over a drink in their hotel room about taking a few photos for “a little fun”.  She didn’t think there was anything wrong with that and it seemed a little exciting so she agreed.

She posed for a number of photos in various stages of undress and total undress and as she did so, he told her how hot she was.

“Look at how hard you are making me”, he said as he continued to take photos.

“It feels good to feel wanted and to know I am turning him on”, she thought.

---

A few weeks later, she found herself responding to his demand to meet at the hotel again.  As she walked into the hotel, she found herself dreading what was coming next but she could stop herself. 

“What am I doing?”, she asked herself, “He demands that I show up and I do it even thought it doesn’t feel right.”

Sometime later and after a couple of drinks of gin, he began taking pictures of her again.

“Do you know what would be really hot?”, he asked.

“What?”, Abigail asked.

“I think you would look hot if you were tied up”, he said.

“I’m not sure”, Abigail said hesitatingly.

“Don’t worry”, he replied as he retrieved some cord from a bag, “You will like it.”

Abigail soon found herself bound hand and foot.

“Mmmmmmm”, he said, “You are hot.  Look how hard you are making me.”

After taking a number of photos, he laid his phone down and reaching into his overnight bag, pulled out a cane.

He struck her across the legs with it.

“You like that, don’t you?”, he said sternly.

Abigail’s eyes watered instantly at the sting and fear filled her body.  She now feared for her Life but didn’t know what would happen if she angered him.

She nodded silently and he whipped her again.

“You’re such a naughty girl”, he said, “You want this, don’t you, bitch?”

Abigail nodded.

“Answer me”, he commanded, “You want this, don’t you?”

“Yes”, she said quietly, “I want this.”

“Louder”, he commanded.

“Yes”, she said, “I want this.”

“Yes, you do”, he said and he proceeded to cane her across her legs as she howled in pain.

As she begged him to stop, he told her that he knew she really wanted to be a “bad girl” and he was going to help her live her fantasy.

Later, he untied her and held her through the night and in the morning they parted.

She drove home in silence, her body aching from the caning and her mind numb and confused.

---

He called a few days later, demanding that they get together again.  She replied that she felt uncomfortable with her last visit.  “In fact”, she told him, “I’m feeling very uncomfortable about seeing you again.”

“Well that’s a little too bad, isn’t it?”, he asked.

“What do you mean?’, Abigail asked fearfully.

“Wellllll”, he said, drawing his words out for effect, “If you don’t want to meet me, what do I do with all of these photos of you?  It would be a shame if these photos got leaked online, maybe to your friends or your business associates or maybe to your family.”

There was silence on the line.

“I’m staying at the usual hotel”, he said confidently and hung up.

Two hours later, Abigail found herself crying uncontrollably as he whipped her mercilessly.

As the evening wore one, he held her, telling her what a good girl she was.  She heard little of what said until he suggested that he felt it was time to discuss the company that she owned and how he felt he would do a better job of running it than she did.

She left in the morning, her body feeling the sting of the previous day’s activities while her mind was numb.

---

A week later, she stared at the phone as the texts from him came in.  He was demanding to see her again and interspersed within those texts, was telling her how important it was that she consider turning control of her company over to him.  He was also asking her for money for other ventures and she stared at her phone in absolute fear.

Suddenly another text appeared from another source.

“Just reaching out to say hi and to wish you an awesome day”, the text from Gabriel read.

Without a second thought, she got in her truck and drove three hours to see Gabriel and over many tears, confessed to what she had been experiencing.

Gabriel listened in stunned silence, his heart breaking over what he was hearing while at the same time, feeling the anger surging within him.

She explained how she had met up with the guy and how he worked at a not-for-profit that promoted computer services to small towns and other not-for-profit agencies.

After Abigail had finished her story, they both sat in silence, each reflecting on what had been confessed.

Gabriel cleared his throat and spoke quietly.

“You realize that if he did this to you, it is likely that he has done or is doing this to other women”, he said.

Abigail nodded silently.

“In his professional position, he also has many opportunities to find victims”, Gabriel said, his mind churning over the problematic possibilities.

Abigail nodded again in silence.

“I have something you need to read”, Gabriel said, “Let’s meet tomorrow.”

They hugged briefly and as they walked towards the door of the coffee shop, Gabriel stopped her.

“It is important that you know that you are a divine human being worthy of everything great.”, he said, “This guy is a predator who seeks to destroy others for his own sick needs.  Do you understand this?  You are a worthy human being who must not submit yourself to such people.”

Abigail looked at him, swallowed hard and nodded.

“Say it”, Gabriel said firmly.

“I am a divine human being worthy of everything great”, Abigail said quietly.

“Good”, said Gabriel, “Keep saying that.  Block this guy and we will meet tomorrow.”

---

Gabriel and Abigail met the next day.

“Has he reached out to you?”, Gabriel asked after they had exchanged perfunctory greetings.

“Yes”, she said, “He is demanding to know why I won’t respond to him.”

“Good”, Gabriel replied, “We will take care of him.  In the meantime, I would like you to read this book.”

Abigail looked at the book he offered.

“CIA Street Smarts for Women?”, she asked.

“Spy skills to tell the prince from the predator”, said Gabriel, pointing at the tag line on the book, “The guy who wrote this used to be a CIA operations officer.  He is a great guy who is sharing the skills he learned in the CIA to help women avoid the situation you are in.”

Abigail said nothing but felt her eyes filling with hot tears.

“Don’t worry”, Gabriel said gently, “We will fix this.”

Gabriel pulled out his phone, dialled a number and waited for an answer.

The other party picked up the phone and Gabriel spoke quietly.

“Hello, Jim?”, he asked.

To be continued.

---

© 2016 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background

The story you just read is a true story although a description of the actual acts committed and the timeline have been shortened for brevity and taste.  I have spared the reader the psychology analysis here in order to keep the story engaging albeit disturbing. The story has been shared here with the permission of "Abigail".

The book Gabriel presented to Abigail is real.

CIA Street Smarts for Women – Spy Skills to Tell the Prince from the Predator, by B. D. Foley, is a powerful book that can equip any woman against the many predators out there.

And yes, B.D. Foley is actually a retired CIA operations officer.

If you care about your daughter, your sister, a woman who is divorced or widowed or your best friend and you sense something is wrong in their relationship or they could find themselves in trouble, honor your instinct and your love for the other person and get a copy of this book for them.

Predators don’t just exist in the world of Hollywood or in cases like the Jian Ghomeshi case currently playing out in a Canadian court.

They are everywhere as Abigail discovered.

Don’t let such a predator destroy the Life of someone who matters to you.

What happened to the predator in this case?

Go here to read more – Answering the Cry for Help.

Predators prey on the uninformed or those whose sense of self-worth is so low that they easily fall to the beguiling patter of the predator.

Predators are allowed to hone their art and create the carnage they create when the rest of us pretend they don’t exist or when we don’t do what needs to be done to prevent them from hurting others. They know how to identify their targets, how to approach them and how to ensnare them. We need to understand how they operate and find the right tools to counter their efforts.

B.D. Foley's book provides those tools.

We are either part of the problem of part of the solution.

Which one are you?

Buy the book.

It matters.

Series Origin

This series, a departure from my usual musings, is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” (note the quotes) and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Answering The Cry For Help

Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy. – Proverbs 31:9 (ESV)

On a dark, rainy night, he sat in his office and stared at the copy of the warrant that had been left with him.  His office and home were now devoid of all electronics, laptops, PCs, phones and all forms of media storage.  For the first time in a long time, he suddenly felt cut off from the world and he felt uncertain about tomorrow.

According to the officers delivering the warrant, a number of complaints had been filed against him and he should expect to be served very soon.

He had wondered for years how long he could sustain his personal hobby and he now had his answer.  He didn’t understand the big deal.  None of the women who had gone with him were forced against their will in any way and they had all willingly and knowingly submitted to photos being taken in compromising situations or risqué clothing.  For those he had tied up and beaten, he was sure that they had enjoyed it, otherwise why would they have returned for more?  As for drugging some of them before he photographed them, he knew that this helped them to relax so what was the harm in that?

Of course, it didn’t hurt that he had threatened to reveal their photos on the web or share them with their family or employers if they dared to tell others or failed to return to feed his appetite.  He also leveraged such threats to view child porn using their mobile phones.  After all, it didn’t hurt that if they ever blew the whistle on him, their phones were the ones on record as having viewed child pornography.  He was smart enough to never use his own phone.

Taking photos of underage girls was a little risky and so he didn’t engage much with them because the risk wasn’t worth the reward even though the reward was great and almost irresistible.

Having one of his buddies appear in the photos with the married women was particularly titillating and useful since the mere threat of sharing photos with a doting husband were usually more than enough to bend even the strongest will to his needs.

And he always sent photos of his victims to his newer victims as proof that he had many victims.  He felt that this somehow amplified his power and besides, it might put some creative ideas into the minds of his other victims for future photo sessions.

He paused and reflected on some mistakes he had made also.  The app he had installed on their phones for reading private SMS, sending SMS to their phone as if it came from other people and sending SMS from their phone to other people had come in handy but was awkward to explain if it were found.  The same was true for opening up the settings on their phone so that he could track the location of their device at any time but this one wasn't as difficult to explain if discovered.

"It's too late to worry about it now", he thought.

And now it was coming to an end.

Some a&*hole by the name of Jim had sent him a note outlining what was about to happen and now it was happening just as Jim had said it would.  Jim had signed it because, as he indicated, he wanted the person in question to know where justice had come from.

Meanwhile, someone had been circulating rumors of what he had done amongst family, friends and colleagues over the last couple of weeks but he had been able to deflect them as being rumors started by a jealous competitor or jilted lover.

Criminal charges, however, were another matter and he would not be able to hide the truth much longer.

Then there was the matter of being followed.  He could have sworn that in the past couple of weeks, he saw unusual cars parked outside work and his home.  One night going to the local hotel to meet one of his victims, he got spooked when he saw one of the surveillance cars parked outside the hotel and he fled.

He would need to wait until he got home to warn his network that something was amiss.  He wouldn’t be able to send them any more photos nor would he want to accept anymore.

Sighing and with a slightly shaking hand, he folded some papers into his backpack, locked his office door and headed down the street towards his car.

Suddenly, headlights illuminated his path from behind and he paused and looked behind him.  He recognized the car as being one of the ones that had been conducting surveillance on him and he quickened his pace.

As he neared his car, a dark figure suddenly stepped out in front of him and addressed him by name.

His heart began beating fast as he realized that no avenue of escape existed for him.

“Justice comes in many forms.  Please step into the vehicle”, the dark figure said quietly.

---

Chuck’s cellphone rang and he picked it up quickly.  After a perfunctory hello, he sat in silence, nodding occasionally and when the caller had finished speaking, he spoke a curt “good work” before hanging up.

Taking his personal phone out, he texted a message to several people waiting for an update.

While his job in the Department of Homeland Security was often dreary or boring, it often came with its own special side projects that provided a sense of satisfaction.

The world was always better when there was one less scumbag in it.

The traditional justice system was too slow anyway.

And besides, with this scumbag in the bag, DHS monitoring of the emails and cellphones of the scumbag's network would soon reveal if others who were participating in the capture and sharing of such photos would run for the border.  He hoped they would.  Accidents happen, after all. 

He paused for a moment and wondered how their families would receive the news about their spouse's activities over the years.  He didn't care.  “They deserve what they get”, he thought.  They had left a trail of broken families in their wake and some even had blood on their hands with the suicides they had produced.

"Another day in the Corps", he said quietly as he prepared to go home for the night.

---

Jim read the text on his phone and turned to the lady sitting next to him.  “You can relax”, he smiled, “It’s been fixed.”

“What happened to him?”, she asked, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“That’s not important”, Jim replied, “What matters is that it is fixed.”

---

The Bottom Line

The above story is based on a true story and has been greatly abridged for the sake of brevity.  Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of specific individuals.

There are three messages here:

1. For those who are in trouble, no matter how embarrassing the reason, a single call for help can make all the difference in your Life.  Make the call.
2. For those who insist on creating pain for others, your luck eventually runs out.  Justice comes in many forms.
3. For the rest of us, we must always be ready to take action when we sense someone is in trouble.  It doesn’t take a big action on our part to create a tremendous result.

Do you know someone who is in trouble or do you sense they are in trouble?

Are you in trouble?

Take action.

If you guess wrong, you may be slightly embarrassed and might even get a laugh out of it.

If you guess right, you may save a Life.

Someone out there is waiting for your help.

Maybe you are waiting for someone to guess that you need help.

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Mitt Romney, Bullies and Red Herrings

As news of acts of alleged bullying carried out by Mitt Romney almost fifty years ago makes its way through the media, once again we set an example to our children by demonstrating that acts of hatred in our past are best answered by messages of vehement hatred in the present.

And once again, we never have a dialog around the real issues since getting our opinion (especially negative ones) expressed is more important than getting to core truths.

Especially if the core truths ring closer to home than many of us want to admit.

As a kid growing up just outside St. John’s, Newfoundland, I was bullied throughout school and college.  In the early years, it was the typical pushing and shoving, the verbal taunts and the occasional torn item of clothing and such.  I lived in fear of my bullies and did everything I could to avoid situations where they would be.

In high school (Queen Elizabeth Regional High School in Foxtrap), the bullying took on a new flavor.  From 1978 to 1981, I was routinely mock raped at the hands of fellow male classmates, usually in the changing room prior to and after gym class.

In these mock rapes, seven or eight boys would hold me down while others would take turns “humping me”.  Sorry – there is no easier, less graphic way of describing it.

I never reported it to anyone – it was too humiliating to admit it and this is the first time I have admitted it publicly.

The boys who did this to me for years are now well-known, successful businessmen in St. John’s, Newfoundland and area.

Don’t worry guys – I’m not about to out you.  Revenge is not a dish that I savor.

As a young boy (and young man), I felt many emotions – fear, shame, anger – all tangled up in a ball that took a lot of years to unravel and understand.

In speaking to someone “in the know” a few years ago, it was revealed to me that many of these boys were the victims of verbal, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of their fathers.

And this revelation gave me a different perspective.

While it would be easy to look back upon the events that Little Harry was experiencing and feel hatred or the need for revenge (after all, it would be easy to name the antagonists here and watch their lives fall apart), I now look upon the antagonists, I feel their pain and I see the reason for their actions.

They were finding outlets to release the pain they were accumulating at the hands of someone else – outlets that weren’t fair to me but it was the best they could come up with at that stage in their life development.

So instead of feeling hatred towards them, I feel sadness for the pain that they were feeling then (and possibly still feeling) and I offer forgiveness.

The Bottom Line

My point is that oftentimes, we see the bully and their actions and we immediately begin thinking of punishment and retribution.

Instead, if we examine their activities with a true understanding of cause and effect and we really get to know what is feeding their actions, then we will get to the core reasons for their behavior.

Maybe when this becomes our focus, we will then be able to cut the cycle of violence (and the long-term negative impact) that makes up the world of bullying and allow healing to take place for the bully as well as the bullied.

The truth is that many (perhaps most) bullies have been victims in their lifetime also.

I can’t speak to the Romney situation.  As with 99.999% of people who have such a strong opinion on the matter, neither they nor I were there when the incidents allegedly took place and so our opinions on THAT matter are irrelevant.

However, instead of putting our energy into the red herring that is that event, let’s take a closer look at what is going on around us (or perhaps within us).

And let’s do something about that.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS Many of the boys described in this blog are gay.  They were closet gay then but openly gay now.  Their bullying behavior had nothing to do with their orientation but came as a result of being abused at home.  When I see legislatures describe the need to protect LBGTQ people from abuse by others (especially in schools), I counter with this thought:

All people should be protected from abuse by others, regardless of the attributes of the victim or the antagonist.

To set aside one group as being especially vulnerable lifts that group to special status while suggesting that other victims of abuse don’t matter.

And as in my situation, the original abuse of the bully occurred at home – abuse that they replayed on others in school.  Legislation targeted at schools don’t reach people at home where the seeds of encouragement and destruction are equally prevalent and relevant.

Respect transcends all differentiating factors.  When we get used to seeing each other as human beings without “special designation”, we will move closer towards respecting each other as human beings overall.