The Hidden Shame

This week, someone in our immediate family decided that the pain of living was far greater than their ability to cope with that pain.  Having come to that conclusion they attempted to take their life and fortunately for them, they failed.  The long term physical and mental impact of their attempt is still being evaluated by professionals.

How does one react to such an event?  Some people feel sadness on behalf of the person who felt no way out other than the final act.  Some experience anger that the victim would leave loved ones behind without answers to their questions.  Others feel pain from the hole in their heart that would have been created had they been successful.  Some people actually feel relief, knowing that their loved one is free from the demons that dogged them.

I learned something else from people who reached out to me in support - that this is a lot more common than I was aware of and at the same time, seems to carry a lot more shame than I thought would have been normal or acceptable.

Shame?  Why is this?

My friend A. shared her story of loss that occurred only a few years ago when she was an associate of mine.  I never knew the struggle she was experiencing at the time as she became buried in a mix of pain, hurt, shame and guilt and the classic question of "why"?

Another friend of mine, D., shared her loss as well, having occurred less than a year ago.  As she explained to me yesterday - "you end up being overwhelmed with so many different and powerful emotions.  The senselessness of the act…the finality….the pain…..the anger….the guilt ….  it goes on and on".

Both A. and D. have been so blessedly helpful to me, helping me to understand the lead up to and the aftermath of such an event.  I am grateful to both of them for the powerful sharing of their thoughts, prayers and love, having experienced it first hand.

It got me to thinking this morning about how many people out there are struggling to see light where all they can see is darkness.  In an earlier blog, I shared the story of saving someone from suicide a few years ago.

Suicide outnumbers homicide deaths 2 to 1 in the US.  It is ranked as the 11th top killer in the US, ahead of liver disease and Parkinson's.  We have a sense of urgency around avoiding a violent crime or helping cure disease while this affliction continues to grow, especially in these times of uncertainty.  When someone dies of liver disease, we are comfortable admitting the cause.  When a loved one dies from suicide, we tell others it was a sudden death or a death after a brief illness.  We are ashamed to admit it was a suicide and I think this shame prevents it from becoming part of a dialog necessary to understand and help prevent it and to offer love and support for those who are struggling with it.

Someone dies from suicide somewhere in the world every 39 seconds.  Every year, there are 1 million successful suicides globally but there are a staggering 10-20 million attempts according to the World Health Organization.

Men are more successful in attempts than women but women attempt it more often. Men are more "successful" as they tend to use more catastrophic means with greater chance of finality.  Males face an additional stigma of allegedly "not being able to be depressed", "not being allowed to cry" and the rest of that silliness that causes them to be trapped within their own mind when they struggle.

With statistics like this, it suggests that we need to be very cognizant of the number of people around us who may not see the same opportunities for unlimited potential that we see.  Perhaps they do not see the opportunity for companionship and love that we experience.  Maybe their internal demons are screaming so loudly that they can't find any other way out.  Some people don't want to be a burden or don't want to admit that there is something beyond their ability to control that has seized their mind.

Whatever the challenge is, greater awareness is needed to help people who are wrestling with this. 

We all know people who for any number of reasons, are struggling to see light when all they can see is darkness.

Perhaps that person is you.  I know of at least one regular reader of my blog that is struggling with this.  You are loved.

Whatever the situation, let's make sure we pay attention to the needs of those around us, friend, family or stranger.  If we see an opportunity to share love, then by all means, share it unconditionally and help them find help (or don't be afraid to ask for help).  Don't worry about the potential embarrassment of their reaction .  The upside to reaching out to someone in love is far more important.

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

Everyone is talking - is anyone listening?

Or better yet, is anyone taking real action?

I have just received an invite from an associate who asked me to join him in a particular online social network.  While he is a good friend, I turned him down.

I denied his request for the simple reason that this is the 15th or 20th business network that he has become a member of and which he has asked me to join.

One of the social networks was particularly humorous, suggesting that membership was extremely exclusive.  I found the claim to be interesting, until I turned down invitations from approximately 1,000 people over a two week period from the same exclusive network.  Exclusive indeed!

Online social networks can be incredibly empowering when used appropriately.  However, when one becomes the member of so many social groups that they spend more time maintaining memberships in them (or joining new ones) instead of contributing to their network, harvesting results from the network or living a productive life that makes a difference, then something dysfunctional is in progress.  Many partners of such people have become "social network widows", as their significant other spends more time joining the latest social network or inviting everyone they know to the latest network rather than spending time working towards their purpose and passion with the people who really matter.

I overheard with amusement and sadness recently as two people compared notes on which social networks each belonged to and why the other person simply had to join networks "x, y and z".  As they each suggested the reasons for being part of these networks (friendship, romance, learning, etc), it became clear that maintaining the networks had become so complex that they were not obtaining and value from nor contributing any value to the networks that they belonged to.  The number of networks and the number of connections within the network had become more important than the reason you network in the first place - for collaboration through knowledge and contact sharing.

Occasionally, you see contests where people are striving to get "x" thousand new contacts the fastest.  Once they have reached the number, the network offers little of substance, outside of an ego boost.

Today we can even get software to help us manage all of our social networks.  It reminds me of the experts who come in and optimize your closet space, to help you find better ways to organize your "stuff".  Maybe instead of finding ways to store more stuff, we just need less of it in our lives in the first place.

I think the same thing applies to a number of conversations around leadership that I have listened to lately.

Some have conjectured lately that the reason so many challenges have arisen in our world (whether ecological, social, economic, governmental, etc) is that our leadership inventory is not as strong as it used to be.

People are also talking about the need to get back to classic values - a sense of purpose, vision, trust, respect and collaboration.

I believe that our leadership inventory is as strong as ever and that the "classic" leadership values are as prolific as ever, but we are spending too much time talking about them and for a variety of reasons, we are not taking action.

If you follow groups like Twitter, there is a lot of chatter about leadership principles.  If you are a member of LinkedIn, there are an incredible number of leadership experts.  Surely with 30 million (the number of LinkedIn members) leadership experts sharing their knowledge, the problems of the world must be practically solved by now.  :-)

Conversation around leadership is excellent and necessary.  However, when the conversation becomes a circular, never-ending conversation where the knowledge of 10,20,50,100 or more years ago keeps being released by the "experts" as the "be-all, end-all secret just discovered", one has to wonder if the greatest challenge in leadership is not a lack of leaders and the knowledge of how to lead but just a lack of execution.

So while there is an incredible amount of wonderful dialog taking place about leadership principle, skills, knowledge, etc., I think we need stop hoping things get better by merely talking about it and instead, let's focus on achieving results through action.

Even if the action produces a less than desirable result, it will at least teach you something you need do address differently the next time.

True leadership is difficult.  It takes courage, perseverance, purpose, mission and a willingness to sometimes swim against the tide of commonly accepted thought.  Leadership also requires humility, diplomacy (most times), dictatorial decision making (sometimes) and a knowledge of knowing when to lead and when to relinquish command to a more enabled individual.

However, when the true leaders don't stand up and the void is filled with the leader-wannabes who fill the gap with self-proclaimed "secrets to leadership", we can get overwhelmed with too much informational noise.  Such noise causes us to forget that while knowledge is important, at some point, we have to say "I know enough to at least get started" and take our first tentative steps towards our purpose, vision, mission and goals.  This applies to us personally as well as professionally.

We are all leaders with different levels of capability and leadership maturity.  Many of us would be surprised to realize that we have a lot more knowledge about being leaders than we give ourselves credit for.

Let's apply that knowledge in our environment, whether it be the workplace, the home, the community or the planet and start making a difference. 

If you think you need more leadership knowledge, you will discover you learn a lot more through application and collaboration than you do from just studying the experts.

What will separate people and organizations who are successful in our interesting times will be those who embrace proper leadership values, collaborate with others who are similar and take action. 

Are you ready to be successful (however you measure success)?  Do you have a passion for manifesting your purpose?  Do you have the drive to push forward and the humility to know when to relinquish control?

Do want to accomplish something so badly, you will do whatever it takes to get it done?

Excellent - then please stand up and start executing.  The world is eagerly awaiting "your arrival".

In service and servanthood.

Harry

The Giving Spirit Revisited / Wishes for 2009

I am seated at my desk this morning, awash in gratitude as I think about this Christmas season and what may be one of the most spiritually, mentally and emotionally profound Christmases that I have ever experienced.

Our Christmas this year, as always, has been focused on giving back, especially to people who themselves have little if anything to give to others.  In a time when the media is reporting financial gloom and doom, cutbacks in giving and other symptoms of the economic crisis as they like to call it, we have witnessed more giving this year than ever.

The program that we participated in for battered mothers and their children went way above expectations this year as friends collaborated with us to make a phenomenal difference.  The number we helped this year, either directly or through inspiring others to help on their own, is up 700% from last year.

We were blessed to have an opportunity to help feed the homeless, the lonely and the stranded over the holidays, cooking food on Christmas Eve and helping with the distribution on Christmas Day.

On Saturday, the local blood donor clinic was open and I was able to make a contribution that will save up to three lives.

All great stuff.

However, what took place in my heart was even more profound.

This Christmas, a number of events took place within close proximity that impacted me mentally and spiritually.

This season, I witnessed profound stories of personal giving - giving that was taking place under the radar to help take care of others during the season.  I witnessed last-minute miracles for good people as they struggled to make ends meet or worked diligently to help overcome sudden incidents of misfortune. 

So many people sent me emails expressing personal testimonials of receiving help at the last minute, just when they needed it.  We started referring to them in my house as "Jimmy Stewart endings" in reference to heart-moving, wipe-your-eyes, Hollywood style endings appropriate for the season. 

Get-togethers with family and friends were more powerful than ever this year as I took the time to really savor the feelings of goodwill that filled the air.

As if that wasn't enough, I was overcome with profound gratitude as friends and strangers from all around the world, including Europe, New York and other parts of the US, Canada and Australia reached out to us with open hearts when they read my blog about some of our current adventures (and misadventures) - found here if you would like to read it.

During the midnight Christmas Eve service, I found myself powerfully moved as the congregation sang Christmas carols, as the true meaning of the season seized my heart and overwhelmed me.

As I experienced all these feelings of gratitude, I didn't need to ask what it was all about - I knew all along.

For many years, my family and I have experienced what many know as the abundance of the season - unlimited food, unlimited gifts, etc.  However, for all of those years, I felt something was missing in all of this and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

This year brought the perfect storm of events, generous, loving people, opportunities to share and opportunities to receive to help me discover what I was missing.

Despite my insistence in years gone by that I knew what the Christmas spirit was about, I think I was merely going through the motions, simply checking off the holiday obligations.  Make annual donations to various organizations - check.  Buy gifts for everyone - check.  Organize opportunities for giving to others - check.  Be happy during the season - check.  Check, check, check.

Looking back, I realized that it had gotten too mechanical.

This year, I savored every single action.  I savored every single project that I was involved in and I was grateful for the opportunity to do so.

I was also grateful for the opportunity to do it with others who really cared.

And so as I sat in church service on Sunday and listened to the Christmas carols being sung, I looked up and said a prayer of thanks to God - a prayer thanking Him for my friends, for complete strangers (met and unmet), for the opportunity to share with others, for the opportunity to be humble enough to receive from others and for the strength and courage to continue to follow our intention to make a difference in this world.

Contrary to what the media would like us to believe, the unselfish, giving spirit of people is alive and well.  We see what we choose to focus on.

A number of people came to mind as I sat there in gratitude.  While many came to mind, I will mention some of them here.  Things they have said or done in the last month or so have had a profound impact on me and my family and the sense of deep gratitude we are experiencing during this season.  There is always a danger of leaving people out but if I listed everyone that I was grateful for, the list would be very long (my LinkedIn network alone is up to 16.5 million people at the time I wrote this).  :-)

The people who come to mind include my family (of course), Andrew B., Roberto L., Jonathan S., John C., Jim L., Estean L., Hilary R., Tim S., Bruce MacN.,  Joseph S., Casey W., Gabriel M., Keith B., Don H., Gary J., Daryn K., Ken B., Mac P., Frances H., Marilyn B., Debra P., Peggy C., Lauren M., Iris P., Peter T., Gerald C., Barry G., Peter D., Doreen C., Peggy M., John G., Bret D., Evan G., Tim M., Lew M., Emily H., Jeremy R., Paul S., Deborah W., John Paul W., Gerry O., Ros O., Gina P., John L. (and the gang),  Marvin C., Alex T., Kevin F., Dave M., Ed N., Heather and Mark U., Bill G., Ray J., Larry F., Jackie H., Sharon C., Tony R., Steve B., Linda G., Cathy F., Paul L.,  Jenifer F., Nick S. and John M.

I am grateful for everyone in my life and grateful for their spirit of giving and sharing, their commitment to others and their passion to make a difference in the lives of people around them - even when it means sacrifice for themselves or a sense of swimming against the tide.

As 2009 draws near, we have a choice to make.  We can succumb to the sense of despair as the media would like us to embrace or we can choose to see phenomenal opportunity in everything and everyone around us.

There are incredible opportunities around us for growth, for sharing, for learning and for receiving with humility and gratitude  - phenomenal opportunities for each one of us to leave a legacy of hope and love to the generations that are coming behind us.

2009 will bring interesting challenge and opportunity for me and my family.  We are contemplating a number of programs in alignment with our purpose and passion, including children's education in North America and service to the needy overseas.

Whatever you decide to do in 2009, do it with passion, purpose and a sense of making a difference.  If you want it bad enough, you will be successful, regardless of the challenges you face.

Remember that you are not alone - you are surrounded by people who want to help you be successful.  Be open to their help just as you expect others to be open to yours.

Above all, keep your faith alive.  Whatever you believe God is, remember that in your darkest moments, faith in God will lead you to victory in your efforts to make a difference.

I wish each one of you, a phenomenal 2009 filled with personal victory, a fulfillment of purpose and a legacy that others will learn from and multiply, for the benefit of all.

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

Overcoming your demons

Over the past few years, a number of people have shared with me the notion of the demons that hold them down. The demons vary in attribution - not enough money, not smart enough, not connected enough, etc. No matter how much I tell them that the demons can be overcome, I am told that I don't understand because my life has been so easy.

The demons also vary in intensity and combination but whatever they are, they combine to hold people back from realizing their dreams and their purpose.

I would like to share a story of someone who gave me permission to share his life story with you. I will give this person the name "Sam" for the purposes of this illustration and it is one of many examples of how people can overcome their demons.

Sam's conception was an accident. His parents lived in a small, poor rural community and Sam definitely wasn't planned. His parents made a commitment to stay together and make it work. They moved a couple of times before eventually settling down in another rural town to begin their life together. Money didn't come easily to this family but the family made do.

In the early years, Sam was a thin child, spending time here and there in the local hospital for unexplainable reasons. On more than one occasion in his life (in childhood and adulthood), Sam was believed to be dying for one reason or another. His soft bones broke easily as well and he had more than his share of broken bones. His liver and kidneys have been the impetus of more than one painful / stressful trip to the hospital for unexplainable reasons throughout his life and it has been suggested more than once that they are failing for unknown reasons. A healthy model of a human being was not an attribute of Sam.

His early home years were crowded. He lived in a very small house that was basically one room with a false wall and a couple of dividers to provide the semblance of rooms. The commode was a steel pail and running water was defined as running to the well to draw water from it.

His parents were loving but not always patient. This created a "need to please" within Sam that at times became crippling.

In a house that was smaller than 20ft by 20ft, he lived with then two siblings and his parents for the first seven and a half years of his life.

Throughout his school life in this rural town, he was often the victim of bullies. This bullying continued from grade one all the way to when he finished high school. It was something that he endured and something that took a fair amount of time to overcome when his school years ended. The impact of bullying cannot be underestimated. As he would tell you, if you feel your child is being bullied, do something about it now. He avoided many school activities throughout his school life so that he could avoid being the victim of the people who chose to belittle him because of their own pain. Such avoidance caused him to miss many opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment.

Twice in his young life, including one time on the eve of his first holy communion, pedophiles tried to share their own pain on him. Both times they were unsuccessful. However, in both situations, it caused Sam to wonder - why is this happening to him? Why does God allow this to happen to him? Maybe God doesn't even exist.

When he graduated high school, he was painfully shy, an introvert who was even picked on in college for being a combination of being intelligent and too shy.

Sam has had two mini-strokes, in 1983 and 1990. The diagnosis - unknown cause so don't worry about it. He never told his family - it seemed unnecessary.

Sam is also legally blind in one eye.

The combination of his life events and genetics left him awkward, physically small in stature, an introvert who was afraid to speak to people, a person who generally wasn't happy with himself for many reasons and because of his small stature, introversion, timidity and growing up in a family that was not wealthy, his future didn't look terribly bright.

When we see people like Sam, we may feel pity for him or wonder "Where will he end up, if anywhere at all". After all, he has been damaged beyond repair - why should anyone try to help Sam? He is probably not worth saving anyway - what difference can he make in the world with these circumstances? We are probably better off turning our back on Sam and writing him off as another lost human being.

Maybe we are like Sam, with a collection of demons similar to or different than Sam's and we use these demons to hold us back.

Let me tell you something else about Sam.

Sam's real name is Harry.

I am Sam.

When I look back on the life that I lived as a young person, I feel like I am looking at the life of a different person.

People who know me now see me as an extrovert who is as at ease in front of 15,000 people in an auditorium as he is in an intimate conversation in a coffee shop.

I have created successful companies in New York, one of the most challenging environments in North America to be successful in (especially for a small town boy).

The small, sickly, child now stands 6'3" and weighs in at 220 pounds.

I am blessed with many gifts, many opportunities, many great memories, an incredible business network, a great family, many great friends and a strong faith in God.

If you had looked at me 25+ years ago, you would not have predicted such a life for me. I know I wouldn't have.

There may be someone else that you would not predict such a life for.

Perhaps that person is you.

Perhaps you are Sam.

There is something that you need to tell the person who is like "Sam".

If they dig down deep inside, they can find the spirit that calls them to be something in life.

If they want it bad enough, it is theirs for the taking.

If their faith is strong, what they desire can become their ultimate purpose and destiny.

Their past is their past. What determines the results of the rest of their life rests on how they convert the gifts they have into actions to make a difference.

As Stephen Covey wrote, help "Sam" answer these 4 questions:

• What are you good at? That’s your mind. (Intellectual Quotient)
• What do you love doing? That’s your heart. (Emotional Quotient)
• What need can you serve? That’s the body. (Physical Quotient)
• What is life asking of you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What do you feel like you should be doing? In short, what is your conscience directing you to do? That is your spirit. (Spiritual Quotient)

We motivate ourselves, according to Dr. Covey, with the law of the 4 L's - to live, to love, to learn and to leave a legacy.

Seek how the answers to the 4 questions overlap the 4 L's and the resulting picture will become the purpose of "Sam's" life - or yours.

No demons in your life will be strong enough to prevent you from achieving your purpose at that point.

Demons hold no power in your life. No matter what demons you have, you can find someone who has overcome the same demon.

What does this tell you? That demons are merely those things which are meant to provide you with an opportunity to gain knowledge and strength and having gained them, provide a means of using them to find your purpose and to leave a legacy.

In service and servanthood.

Harry

PS   By popular request, I am sharing a photo of the house I referred to in the article.  Maybe it was 10x20 and not 20x20.  That's me and my Dad in the photo.

Keep Pushing Forward

The news these days seems pretty rough. The number of layoffs continue to rise. The stock market gains a trillion dollars one day and then loses it the next. People praise President-elect Obama one day as a sign of hope and then disregard him the next as having too much on his plate, therefore assuming he will fail. Hundreds of billions are being spent to save companies that made handsome profits for many years. We keep hearing that global warming is reaching a point of no-return (any minute now, according to some sources - I hope you didn't make plans for Saturday).

Some of the bad news even seems circular in reference. According to one media source I watched last night, large companies are citing lack of consumer confidence as the reason they are laying off large numbers of people. The same media source later said that citizens are citing the large layoffs as one of the main reasons they are losing confidence in the economy. This is a chicken and egg game with profound implications on the earth. The media's amazing talent at magnifying the downside of things is entrenching this even more.

Sounds like we're on our way to hell in a hand basket, as the expression goes.

I guess we might as well lay down, cover our heads and wait for the end to come.

Let's forget about our the future of the next generation - there's nothing worth saving for them anyway.

Our dreams and aspirations are pretty stupid too, aren't they? What a waste of time they are. How could we have been so foolish as to believe we could have accomplished anything at all?

All of those great intentions we had - woulda coulda shoulda as we say in New York. It was just as well that we didn't follow up on them. They were the silly follies of dreamers and infinite optimists.

In fact we've wasted our whole life doing stupid things and now it's too late to change anything. When we ask people around us, they agree with us so it must be true.

Why even bother anymore?

In fact, let's take it a step further.

Let's tell our kids that optimism and hope are a waste of time. Let's tell them to abandon their dreams.

Encourage them to focus on the mass media, to allow the life essence of hope to drain out of them.

If we all work together starting right now, we can finally iron out of everyone, the silly idea of a life of beauty, love and empowerment.

Stop for just a moment - let that sink in. Let's embrace and savor the feeling of despair and hopelessness together. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm - feels good, doesn't it?

Are you angry with me yet? Do you feel the energy rising in you to reject what I am telling you? Do you want to tell me how wrong I am when it comes to your life?

GOOD - now you have some energy flowing - let's talk!

My dear friend, Roberto Luberti, always interjected discussions that were "stuck" with what became know as "the famous but". When he saw people trying to sort things out, he would say "I agree with this, this and this but" and after the "but" would come the reasoning that guided us out of the morass we were in.

So, in honor of my friend, here's the famous but to the negativity I just placed before you.

When we hear these messages as I expressed above, whether from the mass media, associates, family, friends or whomever, take a stand and refute them with all of your energy. Resist them with more energy than they are being pushed upon you in the first place.

If you don't, your mind turns to mush and you actually begin to believe these thoughts of hopelessness for our future. You become one of a growing group of people who are totally lost, blowing in the wind and living a life without purpose. You will manifest these messages in your life because you chose to, not because you had to.

Fight this negative energy with all of your being.

Dare to stand up and say "You are wrong. Where you see despair, I see hope. Where you see failure, I see opportunity. Where you see hopelessness, I see hope."

Don't wait for others to create opportunity for you. Many of the people you are waiting on are the ones whose minds have become laden with despair, sadness, gloom and doom. They are filled with angst and feel most comfortable when they have company to make them feel better as they go down with the ship.

So turn off the mass media that sells the gloom and doom message. Tell people who want to share this with you that you only want to hear news of opportunity - you are now a "no complaint zone". "Bring me opportunity and solutions", you say.

Look at the world for what it is - a smorgasbord of opportunity in unlimited areas. You can be a billionaire basket weaver tomorrow if you take the time to find out what baskets people like and how to make, promote and distribute them as efficiently as possible.

Look at Life for what it is - an incredible miracle which we are all blessed to experience. Struggle strengthens us. It reminds us of our weaknesses and where we need to grow as individuals. It highlights things all around us that need to be improved or enhanced. Struggle and pain are our call to action to make a difference - not a signal to give up. History teaches us that we human beings are at our best when our backs are against the wall.

We are incredible miracles, filled with unlimited potential to have a profound impact on the world. Each of us has a gift that no other has and each of us can do at least one thing better than ANYONE else in the world.

Find that one thing, embrace it, nurture it, be proud of it and then use it to make a difference. Make it your purpose for being and change the world with it.

Others will look at you and say "I want to do what you do - I want to have the fire and passion that you have - how do I do it". Take the time to light the flame of passion in the spirit of that person and then keep moving. They will do the same for others when the opportunity arises.

Momentum, positive and negative, are within your grasp to generate in infinite levels.

What world do you want to live in? It's your choice - not someone else's.

Time is important. Every day you don't do this is another day you missed to manifest miracles.

I salute you and offer this toast to you.

To your purpose in changing the world and manifesting the incredible potential that you have. Don't take "no" for an answer, when you fall, stand up and keep moving forward, keep your eye on your purpose and surround yourself with others who feel the same way with the same level of passion.

What are you waiting for?

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

PS Pretty soon, I will be working with a group of people to conduct an experiment around helping people engage in a life of purpose and passion. We will be working through this experiment in the public domain and sharing the process to help others understand how to find their sense of purpose. I will let you know shortly where you can find this and how you can participate.

Bringing Focus Back to Purpose

I was sifting through my inbox last night and this morning and thought "How many of these things that I do are bringing me closer to my Life goals?"  As we all know, every choice in life brings us closer to or further away from our goals.  The decision to not make a choice between various options is in itself a choice and unless you are incredibly lucky, not a choice that consistently carries you closer to your ultimate purpose.

We move closer to our Life goals and Life purpose when we can visualize what we "want to be when we grow up" and take specific actions towards that vision.  Many of you who know me personally have seen the vision board I carry in my pocket, a constant reminder of my ultimate destination while I am here on Earth and my ultimate destination when my end-of-days has arrived.

However, as I sorted through the list of "asks" on my desk, all of which are quite noble and important to the requestor, I realized that most of them are not in congruence with my purpose.

When I accept too many of these, whether personal or professional requests, my efforts become diluted.  Since many are not in alignment with my passion, as a human being it is possible I won't put my best efforts into them or I may procrastinate heavily regarding them.  This is because they are not something I feel strongly about or my brain might just be overloaded with too many of them.

Many of these requests will have no impact on my life at all and in fact, will have little impact on the life of the requestor either.  Many times, people will lob stuff in your direction because they want you to solve it - the belief that "their want" should become "your desire".  However, when you push back on them to do it themselves, you find they don't want to do it either or it is not important enough for them to get at it right away.  How important was it at all if that is the case?

I was recently asked to help a client whose company was dying and discovered that my passion for success far outstripped their own.  They were in fact, indifferent to the success of their organization, which is why they asked me to save it.  When I came to that realization, I turned them down, pointing out that if they didn't care, why should I?  They didn't understand the question, saying I should want to help them because we were friends.  Imagine where our lives would be if we catered to that line every time!

While it feels noble to want to help everyone who comes to you looking for help, eventually by helping everyone except yourself, you burn out, awash in exhaustion, frustration and maybe even financial trouble while the people who loaded you up in the first place have moved on to find others to help them.

I'm not suggesting that you help no one or that you be cold and ruthless about who you help.  I'm suggesting that you be more discerning and discriminating in how much time you have for your own personal objectives and how much you have to give to others.  Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People has some powerful tools to help you in this area.

You are most empowered to help people in the best way possible when you are strong mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally.  To get into and stay in that state takes a commitment to yourself as well as to others.

Sometimes saying no to someone is the best thing that could happen to them as it will either force them to find someone else who could put more passion in it than you (potentially producing a better result) or it forces them to justify their ask, possibly causing them to realize it wasn't that important in the first place.  Maybe after they have justified their ask, you may see an opportunity to align your purpose with their ask.  Everyone wins if that is the case.

If you give all of your time away, pretty soon you will be so spent that you will not offer any value to yourself or others.

Don't let this happen to you.  Keep your purpose squarely in front of you at all times.  Know when you have time to help great causes and great people and know when it is time to focus on your own purpose.

When the time for laser-life focus is upon you, don't be afraid to say no.  It may be the most empowering choice you made that day - for everybody!

As Paul wrote in Galatians 6:9-10 (my emphasis added)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people...

So, give when you can.  I teach everyone to give before getting.  However, sometimes you can't give at the moment and that is ok.  Don't let people convince you to feel guilty for such guilt may propel you to serve others incessantly until you fail completely.

Live your life - not theirs.  When you live your life, you can help others be successful (however you gauge success).  The reverse is not necessarily true or as fulfilling.

Now if you will excuse me, I've got to tell a bunch of people that I'm too busy right now.

In service and servanthood.

Harry

Life is difficult

So begins the wonderful book, "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck.

We have all experienced or are experiencing things that push us to the brink, the one thing that makes us wonder if this thing we call Life is worth living or whether we have what it takes to persevere to better times. Many times as we think these things, we look to those around us, especially those seemingly more successful and say "I wish I had it as easy as they do".

Those who study the lives of successful people discover that most of these people experienced the same or higher level of challenge at some point in their life before one or more defining moments transformed their life into the one of success we see.

These people possessed the same characteristics that we have in unlimited supply if we apply ourselves, including but not limited to courage, intelligence, perseverance, passion, hope and faith.

Faith is an interesting concept, as when we openly discuss faith with people, a few camps quickly become apparent:

• Those who have a strong faith in one or more Supreme Beings and live by their faith
• Those who have some faith
• Those who claim to have faith in something (a higher Being, themselves, etc) but don't practice what they preach
• Those who have no faith and deride others for having it (yet quickly calling upon a Supreme Being in times of need). It's like the atheist trapped in a foxhole who immediately calls out to Mom and God for protection.

Faith is not entirely tied to the religious definition. Faith is also the belief that things will work themselves out in some fashion (perhaps not entirely the way we expect or demand). Hopefully when the challenge has passed, we accept the obligation to harvest what knowledge we can from the experience. Faith is the ability to know that we must persevere because a lesson lies in the experience, a lesson that either applies to us or to others.

We must continue to take action in order to strengthen our faith, whether we believe that we have Divine guidance or not. Faith is not just a case of "if I think really good thoughts, then the answer will be delivered to me in a painless fashion". If that were the case, we would have put the lottery business out of business some time ago.

Our faith in getting through that which tests us calls us to continually take action towards our goals. This continuous action allows us to stay focused on the end goal and therefore any progress towards that goal, no matter how slight, offers us comfort that progress is possible.

With comfort that we will survive our current challenge comes a glimmer of hope that a solution is possible and upon that foundation of hope, we can begin to have courage to take larger steps which in turn reinforces our faith.

As we take these steps, our courage grows and we become emboldened to take larger steps. Eventually we get to the end of the challenge and we discover that we have survived when we originally felt we would never get through it.

Sometimes, however, when we get to the end, loved ones who were struggling are no longer with us and we carry the pain of their loss.

During those times, it is important to focus on what that person gave you in Life, not what they have taken away in their passing. Whatever your belief is in terms of what happens when we move on after this life, we can all take consolation in the fact that our loved ones are not in pain anymore. Isn't that what we ask for when we make our silent pleas during private moments - "please help them to not suffer".

So while Life out there is challenging us and we beat ourselves up over our perceived failures, remember that the only real failure in Life is when we refuse to get up, to look the challenge square in the eye and proclaim "I am stronger than you, I will overcome, I will be better for it and I will use what I have learned to make the world a better place".

A few great quotes come to mind:

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all" - Chinese Proverb

"In every difficult situation is potential value. Believe this, then begin looking for it" - Norman Vincent Peale

"If you compared your troubles, or challenges, with those of others, you would surely find that there are those whose troubles make yours look like minor inconveniences." - Catherine Pulsifer

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars." - Henry Van Dyke

"Just because you know where you want to end up doesn’t mean you will not be faced with obstacles, or challenges along the way. Instant success rarely happens." - Catherine Pulsifer

"What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. " - James 2:14-17 (TNIV)

"Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love." - 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NKJV)

We have all struggled at one point or another. For those who are struggling, reach out for help. When you reach out for help, remember that your faith, hope and courage will only grow when you use the assistance to take action. You will be no better off if, after asking for help, you step back and hope that someone else takes care of all your troubles for you.

For those who have the ability to help others with their struggle, don't wait another moment.

Please make a difference in the life of someone else today. It doesn't matter how big or how small the difference, nor should we look for rewards or recognition. The Universe will reward us when the time is appropriate.

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

Check out the link below to explore M. Scott Peck's beautiful book.

The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition : A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by M. Scott Peck Read more about this book...

Are you using your strengths?

I recently had an opportunity to work with a colleague to help explore her strengths and weaknesses and as a template, we used Marcus Buckingham’s Go Put Your Strengths to Work. It was an enlightening experience for me as it also provided me with an opportunity to examine my own strengths and weaknesses from an objective standpoint. In doing so, I had a few AHA moments that I knew existed but they really stood out this time as I helped my associate establish her own attributes.

How many of us REALLY know what our strengths are? Do we even know how to define strengths in general, as in what constitutes a strength? Do we perceive our actual strengths or do we have some filters on that cause us to identify things that are NOT our strengths but we think they are. Conversely, do we know what weakens us and how well do we avoid that which weakens us?

Many people feel that strengths are what you do well. However, Buckingham conjectures that strengths are not as much what you do well but that which you approach with energy and passion such that when you have completed a task that aligns with your strengths, you feel more energized than before you started. Sometimes what others perceive as strength in you may not actually be one.

I will share a personal example. Many people perceive me as a great mediator when two parties fall apart, since I am able to look at things from a different perspective, establish common ground between the parties and then use that common ground as a foundation to knit the parties back together.

However, truth be told that while I can do this very well, I get little satisfaction out of it outside of the good feeling that I met my social obligation as a human being helping another. I find the process somewhat frustrating since I see the silliness that brought people to that point in the first place and I find it draining to convince people to see what I believe to be OBVIOUS (and fight with them the whole way to help improve THEIR lives, although they see it as interfering while demanding my help at the same time). :-)

Now, if you ask me to get involved with people to help them learn the skills that they need to avoid being in that situation in the first place, that’s where you see my passion come alive. Sharing and learning proactive, collaborative living skills is a passion for me. I can go all day working with people on this subject and NEVER get tired.

In our day to day lives, we have opportunities to utilize our strengths, making every day powerfully fulfilling or we can cater to the whims and needs of others, doing things that either do not make use of our strengths and passion (or worse, appeal directly to our weaknesses – leaving us tired, bored and frustrated).

Crafting a role that aligns to your strengths takes courage. Many people could care less if what you do appeals to what makes you feel empowered. As long as they satisfy their own needs or they satisfy the needs of someone higher than them using what you provide, it is irrelevant to them whether or not you are using the skills, talent and knowledge that fuel your passion. However, it should be very important to YOU! If you don’t pay attention to this, it leads to mediocrity, poor results, lack of fulfillment and a whole slew of other issues.

What if you had a tool that showed you how to capture, clarify and articulate your strengths and weaknesses and to create a plan to execute more towards your strengths and less towards your weaknesses? Imagine if you were able to communicate to your peers and people above / below you what your strengths were and that by utilizing your strengths, the result of your work would be superior to what you are producing now and you would be a more valuable contributor to the needs of others.

Think how empowering that would be for you and for others that you work with and influence. Others would want to know your secret and as you share this process with them, they would also become more in alignment with their strengths; talents, knowledge, skills and passion for excellence and execution. More effective results would be produced and people would be far happier in the meantime.

Instead of relying on someone to do something for you even if producing it means they are at their wits end, you would find someone who actually derives self empowerment from doing it, freeing up the person you previously relied on to drive their passion in areas that make a more significant, profound impact on the team. Instead of blindly doing things for others because it is “what they want”, you can help them understand that you can provide better support if they request things in alignment with your strengths. It may be difficult to swallow at first, but it reaps huge rewards once people understand how to make each person a better contributor (based on their strengths).

You wouldn’t ask me to perform brain surgery on you. Would you ask a brain surgeon to operate on you if you know that while you are lying on the table, 95% of the doctor’s mind was on something else that REALLY fueled his or her passion? Either scenario would produce the same result.

How does one package this all together, to identify your strengths and weaknesses objectively, to create plans that use this information effectively to bring passion back to your personal and professional life and to communicate your new intentions to those around you? Start with Marcus Buckingham’s book Go Put Your Strengths to Work.

It is a powerful personal discovery process that will leave you excited (“I really like doing this and intend to do more of it”), angry (“Why have I wasted so many years doing this when I can’t stand it”), aware (“Aha, that’s why I never liked doing this before”) and self empowered (“The best way for me to contribute to those around me is by doing this”).

It’s a fabulous journey that I invite you to explore. If the process doesn’t produce deep conviction and emotion, you didn’t do it right. J If your work and your life are not producing passion to execute, to make a difference and to contribute to those around you, then it’s time to realign your Path!

Take care and be well.

Harry

Whose voice are you listening to?

I had a conversation with someone last night who had clearly lost his passion for execution. In exploring where his passion had disappeared, the following questions came up that I am repeating as best as I can remember them. They offer interesting food for thought.

Whose voice do you listen to? Do you listen to the one that drives your passion and taps your strengths or do you listen to the one that tells you what to do, even if you are bored out of your mind?

Do you listen to the one that brings excitement to your day or do you listen to the one that brings frustration?

Do you listen to the one that empowers you to help others or to you listen to the one that produces no tangible benefits for anyone?

Do you listen to the voice that is gentle but persistent or do you listen to the voice that is loud and obnoxious, suggesting it has priority because "it is the loudest"?

Do you listen to the voice that supports your agenda, purpose and passion or do you listen to the voice that drives the needs of others at the sacrifice of your own?

Failing to listen to your voice can lead to inaction, uncertainty, frustration, fear, anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction – all things that prevent you from finding true fulfillment in life (both yours and those whom you are meant to help). Always listening to other’s voices at the expense of your own needs satisfies someone else’s needs at the sacrifice of your own. I’m not saying don’t compromise because life is filled with opportunities for give and take. However, don’t squelch your own passions so that you can help others live theirs.

I am reminded of something that Rick Warren of “A Purpose Driven Life” fame wrote. He discusses the notion of SHAPE when it comes to influencing others, based on our:

Spiritual gifts
Heart
Abilities
Personality
Experiences

We have incredible talents but many times, we do not utilize them, because we are not listening to our voice, a voice that is the only thing in tune with our passions and strengths.

I am reminded of this quote from 1 Thessalonians chapter 1 verse 3:

Your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love and your endurance inspired by hope.

As Wayne Dyer (and others) have said many times:

Do not die with the music still in you.

As for my voice, I am accelerating a personal variation of Rick Warren’s PEACE plan, namely:

Plant centers of excellence wherever possible to encourage and incubate the potential of people

Equip leaders to be more effective at the softer side of things that are important to people

Assist the poor

Care for the sick

Educate the next generation to acquire the proper self-empowerment belief systems necessary to make a difference.

Follow your voice and make a difference that aligns with your passions, your talents and your strengths.

Take care and create a great weekend!

Harry