Connecting the Dots in Our Life

Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. - Dalai Lama

The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others. - Albert Schweitzer

I have long been fascinated with the notion of significant people / events in our lives, how they come to be, whether we choose them or they are chosen for us, how we measure their effect / influence, what their cumulative effect is, whether the order that they appear in our lives is significant, etc.

I have mused about such things many times and in many ways in my blog, including but not limited to the following popular posts:

• If You Could Have One Question Answered, What Would It Be?
• When Your Purpose Is Closer Than You Realize
• Are You Out of Time?
• The Reality of Statistical Improbability
• The Four Cardinal Virtues–Which One Are You?
• Who Defines Your Reality?
• Connecting the Dots – Valuing the Connections In Your Life

With this idea in mind, I drew a series of mind maps to express some thoughts around the significant “dots” in our lives.  I am publishing these mind maps for others to comment on, criticize or make additions to.  The content is copyright the author as noted unless otherwise indicated.

The Connect the Dots mind map series can be found on my primary site and on my mobile site.

I invite people who may have thoughts on these diagrams to email me at info@harrytucker.com and I will give them consideration for future releases.  I may consider a wiki as well if the traffic is significant.

Many thanks for your interest and to all of my many readers over the years, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am a better person for my interaction with thousands of you over the years.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

True Confessions: I Don’t Know Why I Am Telling You This But …

If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find. - John Churton Collins

Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us. - Elbert Hubbard

In the last 24 hours, I passed two milestones that for some reason I found to be curiously connected.

Yesterday I received my 50,000th email from a complete stranger around the theme of “I don’t know why I am telling you this but ….”.  Yes – I count them.  I put them in a special folder and marvel over their rawness, their honesty and the courage it took to write them.  For many, I say a silent prayer for the darkness that the writer faces or I am amazed as I read about the trials and tribulations that they have overcome.

Today I started the journey into my 50th year on this planet and was humbled as my phone exploded with greetings via SMS, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, email and any other way that people could find me.

Now in truth, 50,000 such emails from complete strangers is nothing unusual if you’re in the business of self-help, psychology and the like or if you are Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Oprah Winfrey or some other public figure.

But I am a ruthless, cold, heartless Fortune 25 strategy advisor and large-scale technology architect and so I’m not supposed to receive such emails.  Well, maybe I’m not that cold and heartless but don’t tell anyone – I’ve got a reputation to protect.

However ….

When I reflect upon my humble beginnings in this house in a small town in Newfoundland, Canada ….

…. and then I think about the abundance of birthday greetings coming to me today that serve as a reminder of where a Blessed Life well-lived has taken me ….

…. and then I think about the people who wrote me these powerful emails confessing their innermost secrets, fears and desires, it reminds me of these questions posed by Dr. Owen Phelps in his powerful book The Catholic Vision for Leading Like Jesus: Introducing S3 Leadership: Servant, Steward, Shepherd.

• Why am I here?
• What do I want to accomplish?
• Who or what makes my life worth living?
• Who or what can I trust to help me?
• Who or what will I trust with my life?
• Who or what matters most to me?
• For whom or what might I die or kill?
• For whom or what will I live?

…. and then I think of this quote from the same book:

Love – which opens us up to the possibility of a truly large Life purpose – is the source of Life.  It is the creative force by which God brings us into existence.

…. I can’t help but wonder something.

My level of perfection

As a person who has been blessed with success in many things far beyond anything I could have hoped for when I was younger, I acknowledge that I have also made my share of mistakes in my Life.  While I have made some doozies (some public and some private), if I could take them back, I would not be the person that I am today.  In many ways, I would much more incomplete as a person had I not committed those mistakes.

When I think about my Life Journey, the successes and the failures, the victories and the defeats and the gratitude that overwhelms me every waking moment of my Life, it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, these courageous people write to me not because they think that I hold the keys to Life, the Universe and everything but that in fact, they see me as I truly am – a fellow pilgrim who is not afraid to admit that I have been where they are.

And that maybe in that realization, they see hope for their own situation.

The Bottom Line

In the imperfection that is your Life (and mine) and in all the mistakes and victories that you have experienced, has it ever occurred to you that you are the perfect embodiment of something that someone else looks up, admires and needs to speak to right now?

For those who haven’t given this much thought, maybe if you were more cognizant of it, you would be more open to the Universe sending people in your direction to confess their innermost fears and desires.

And maybe, just maybe, as you feel overwhelmed with amazement as you read their confessions and innermost secrets, you will also have an opportunity to feel overwhelmed with gratitude for who you are, what you have accomplished (and survived) and where you are going.

In the course of being awash in such gratitude, it is possible that you will find a new or better Path before you for your remaining years.

And maybe you will help others find a better, brighter Path as well.

The world is waiting for you.

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS Here is a long distance dedication that some of you need to hear right now – Pilgrim by Enya.

Mastering the Art of Coincidence

Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys. - Emma Bull

Choice, not chance, determines your destiny. – Aristotle (attributed)

A long time ago at the tender, naïve age of 17 and with my first post secondary education behind me (long story), I found myself working as an IT architect for a medium-sized, family-owned insurance company in Newfoundland.  The President and owner of the company was a man that this impressionable graduate looked up to (I almost wrote worshipped) for his discipline, focus, knowledge and wisdom and many of his personal practices, including Quiet Hour (the first hour of every day being reserved for planning and reflection), are things I still practice to this day. 

Fast forward many years to the early 2000’s ….

I had driven up to Providence, Rhode Island from the NYC area for a stamp collector expo and while there, I had the opportunity to buy a number of Newfoundland covers.  A cover is a common item created by stamp collectors whereby they mail an envelope to themselves with a stamp on it that is mailed on the day (and preferably from the location) that the stamp is issued.  The postal cancellation serves as  official identification of the date the stamp was issued.

When I got home, I held the covers up to the light and noted that each one had an index card inside it, a common practice to prevent the envelope from being bent as it journeys back to its sender.

However, one cover had no return address and seemed to have a letter in it.  I thought, “Hmmm … I only paid a dollar for this – why not?” and I carefully slit the envelope open to remove the letter.

It was a letter with investment advice that had been written in the early 1940’s to a woman in St. John’s, Newfoundland from a man who signed himself as “Art – The Insurance Man” (he signed his full name, I have changed it for privacy reasons).

This envelope wasn’t a cover. It was in fact a letter that had never been delivered.  Curious about the coincidence that the last name of the person who sent the letter and the man who had mentored me early in my career were the same, I contacted my mentor’s son and asked him, “Do you know of a guy by the name of Art in your family?”

“Yes”, he replied, “Art, the insurance man.  He was my grandfather.”

After the goose bumps had settled, he and I explored the letter. It turned out that it had been written by his grandfather, my mentor’s father, and I had stumbled upon it in another country “by coincidence” more than 60 years after it had been mailed.  Subsequent efforts to return it to my mentor resulted in him telling me that he was glad that I had found the letter and that he would appreciate it if I kept it.

Ohhhhh the odds

As a strategy guy who works with data, facts and predictable outcomes, I knew it would be impossible to calculate the odds of this letter making the journey that it did only to end up in the hands of the person who bought it.

And yet I can’t deny the reality as I see it in my collection today.

We are surrounded by coincidences … but ….

When I think of this letter, I am reminded that coincidences are a funny thing, often being dismissed as fate, God’s hand, serendipity, luck or a manifestation of quantum physics.

Even when our Life is filled with coincidences, we often shrug them off in a self-referential way, saying that all those coincidences are merely a coincidence.

The difficulty with this is that as we get older and we are honest with ourselves, we see that the best, the worst and the strangest things in our Life all arrived “by coincidence” even though they fit perfectly in our Life.

Of course they would fit perfectly – without them you would have taken another Path and be analyzing a different set of perfect coincidences. :-)

What I find fascinating about coincidences and unforeseen opportunity is that in my line of work as an objective observer, I often see people surrounded by them – a harvest of abundance waiting for someone to seize them.

However, they are so often so busy focused on creating their future as they define it that these coincidences flow by in a never-ending stream of unharnessed opportunity.

My theory

Based on many years of such observations, I have a theory.

I posit that coincidences are not magical or rare at all.

What is rare and magical are the people who see them, embrace them and run with them.

Coincidences are always perfectly timed.

But their potential is lost forever unless we bring them into reality with good timing and an openness (audacity, maybe?) to dare to embrace them.

And that, I believe, separates many (not all) of those who seem to live Lives of luck and success (however it is measured) and people who do not.

That’s not to say that we must over analyze everything.  Some things may happen for no apparent reason or for a reason that is not meant for us to know (at least for the moment) and so to over analyze everything is to move into a Life of execution paralysis.  However, too many people with the intention of not over analyzing things move to the other extreme and decide to examine nothing for more reasons than I care to get into here, leaving nuggets of gold to remain buried in the dust of Life or for someone else to discover.

I also posit something else.

I think that it is not a coincidence that you are reading this right now.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Courage–Living and Sharing Your Story

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts …… William Shakespeare

As a long-time strategy advisor to Wall St. and Fortune 25 organizations, I have spent the majority of my 30-year career trying to understand the underlying motivation for what makes people do what they do.  Over the years, I am reminded that for all of our complexities, we are merely a collection of comedies and tragedies with new actors and plotlines being added on a continual basis.

Despite the complexity of the Life story that we write, the version that we share is usually heavily redacted, with our weaknesses and fears carefully edited out lest we reveal the self-perceived mistakes, failures and weaknesses that would prove that we are truly human.

Sadly, it is the story that has been carefully edited out that would serve as the greatest source of inspiration and learning for many who so badly need both in a world filled with potential and challenge.

This thought hit me between the eyes recently when I had an opportunity to read the e-book “Sex, Love, and Paradise” (print edition: A Hot Sailor, A Cold Margarita, and… Trouble: My Memoir of Paradise) by Lila Z Rose in preparation to write a forward for the soon-to-be-published first printing as a paperback under the new title

“A Hot Sailor
    A Cold Margarita
         and... Trouble

My Memoir of Paradise”

Personal purpose - the common human quest

The quest to understand who am I, where have I come from and where am I going provides a common thread for the human experience.

However, when Oprah, Wayne Dyer and all of that ilk write yet another self-help book encouraging people to “go for it’ in their lives, many readers set out with enthusiasm to reinvent their Life before discovering that it is much easier when you have millions (or billions) in the bank and when your name is such a household word that the mere attachment of your name creates success for a project before people even know what the project is.

I’m not saying that they are not a source of inspiration or that their words are without value.  Words of insight and encouragement provide additional strength that help us to overcome our challenges.

However, if their recipes for success were as easy or as guaranteed as they claim, they would have put themselves out of business a long time ago and the world would be a much better place.

And therein lies an important missing component – the aspect of authenticity and an important connector between author and reader, that being a common context that the reader can identify with.

“Sex, Love, and Paradise” (print edition: A Hot Sailor, A Cold Margarita, and… Trouble: My Memoir of Paradise) establishes that level of context with the reader in a powerful way.  It describes the author’s personal journey to discover love, a sense of self and a sense of personal purpose and in the story, we see our own story.  In her successes, we remember fond memories of our past and when she weeps, we weep in empathy, remembering challenging moments in our own Life. 

As her journey and ours become interwoven, we realize that this is not just Lila’s story.  She has in fact invited us to explore our respective journeys together.  The collective journey is one of courage and self-discovery, of laughter and pain, of impetuousness and self-doubt, of love and lust and most importantly, of mistakes and victories. 

If your Life journey hasn’t contained one, many or all of these elements, then your Life is incredibly blessed, you are in denial, you are psychotic or you are a liar.

Few can deny the important components of a Life that matters – the need to love, to be loved and to know that when one’s end-of-days has arrived, we can proudly say, “I was here and I made a difference”.

Few also would deny that a Life well-lived is not a solo journey.  In that spirit, books like this one are not merely an expression of Lila’s Life journey that she has created.  They are an invitation to explore the journey that we are creating together and the richness of our humanity.  More importantly, they provide an opportunity to discover a truth that many of us tend to lose sight of – that when we have an opportunity to see or point out the greatness in others, they in turn invite us to see the greatness within ourselves. 

It is at that moment that we realize that the heavily redacted Life story that we prefer to share is not the one that inspires others.  What inspires others is the Life story that takes as much courage to share as it does to experience.

Stories like Lila’s …….

…. and stories like your own.

I think we need more authors like Lila Z Rose who have the courage to expose their raw, authentic Life in stories that we can laugh at, cry with and learn from.

I also think that when we share our lives as this author does, that we discover we don’t need to be told by others what makes up our individual beauty, talents and strengths.   Our gifts and experiences will be laid bare on the table for ourselves and others to marvel at, to embrace and to celebrate.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

The Danger of Familiarity

I was speaking to a colleague this morning, recommending some places of interest, when he made an interesting observation.

“How could you know about these places after being here for such a short period of time.  I’ve been here for twenty years and I’ve never heard of them.  In fact, I drive past some of them every day and have never noticed them.”

I didn’t have an answer for him then but upon reflection, I believe I have an answer for him now.

My answer is based on the comfort and danger of familiarity.

The joy of exploring something new

Many of us have experienced the excitement (and scariness) of moving to a brand new city.  When we know nothing of a place that is new to us, everything is  fresh and exciting (even if it seems intimidating).  We want to know as much as we can, whether it is how to get around easily, how to find specific points of interest, how to discover the gifts that the new place offers, what its history is, etc.  Having grown up in a town of about 2,000 people, I still remember the first day I stepped onto 7th Ave in New York and thought “Wow …. now what?”.

Once we have been there for a while, we settle into a routine.  We know how to get from point A to point B as efficiently as possible, we have identified our favorite places and we settle into a routine that can be easily misinterpreted as living on autopilot.

Maybe it’s not a misinterpretation.

Once this happens, the gifts of the place start to become hidden from us or they continue to exist in plain sight but we don’t see them as we execute the mundane routine that is our lives.

Even I must plead guilty to times when the most adventure I experienced in a city occurred after I moved from the city and visited it some time later as a tourist.

The same is true about relationships

I think this is often one of the reasons why professional and personal relationships die.  How many times does a relationship die when one side decides that the relationship is not “fresh” or “exciting” anymore?

The person who is the subject of this analysis probably hasn’t changed that much.

However, the person making the observations likely has gotten too familiar with them and has settled into autopilot when it comes to exploring what is fun and unique about that individual.  With familiarity comes less desire to explore what makes a person special as when that individual was in essence a stranger to them.

I think this is also why results often wane in professional teams that have been together for a long time.  We become so familiar with our team members that we settle into professional autopilot, taking our team members known gifts for granted while not exploring them as we did when they (or we) were first introduced to the team.

And then there is the next generation

I think too many people see their children in the same way, especially when kids do something that drives their parents up the wall.  If the magic experienced during childbirth could be relived and replayed at difficult moments, I believe we would be much more tolerant and accepting as the next generation relearns many of the things that we learned at the same point in our own lives. 

Ask a parent who has lost a child what they would give to have that child around again, driving them nuts, and the answer becomes painfully lesson-filled.

And then there is how we look at ourselves

I wonder if this sense of familiarity also becomes problematic in how we view ourselves.  Maybe we have become so familiar with what we believe our gifts and talents to be that we have fallen into a sense of routine and comfort, using only a small percentage of our total potential while the rest of our potential remains hidden from ourselves and the world.

While there is comfort in familiarity, there is also complacency

When complacency sets in, there is the potential for apathy, boredom and indifference.

And when that happens, relationships and personal / professional potential die as the effort required for exploration wanes, being a small percentage of what was once invested when things were “new” and “exciting”.

I wonder if we should take some time to look at everything as strangers again – the places where we spend our time and the people whom we spend our personal and professional time with.

Maybe when we do this, we will have an opportunity to rediscover hidden magic, talents and potential that otherwise might have escaped our senses. 

Perhaps we will then escape the danger of living on autopilot that many of us have become accustomed to and in doing so, discover a new freshness that so many people seem to be craving for.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

A complete stranger whom you’ve never met.

The Power of Trusting Your Instinct … Again

I thought about naming this blog, “when the student is ready but not listening, the teacher (ala the Universe) will keep beating the student over the head until the student gets it” but alas, the title seemed a little wordy.

As a long time strategy guy, numbers and logic play a very significant role in my Life.  I routinely advise people about the importance of measurable outcomes, facts, data and knowledge in order to convert their dreams into realities.

While my instincts in business are strong, data-centric people like me often struggle when instincts and the need for or lack of data collide.

And within that struggle, an invitation to learn was created for me this morning.

At about 11am this morning, in the midst of a bazillion phone calls, emails, deliverables and everything else, I suddenly felt compelled to go to my local church.

“Hmmm”, I thought, “I wonder where that came from” and I returned to my tasks at-hand.

No sooner had I returned to my work when the message came to me even stronger and I shrugged it off again.

It wasn’t until the third time that the message popped into my head that I paused, looked at the list of things that had to be done today, closed my laptop and proceeded to the church.

I was sitting in the front pew reflecting on a few things for about ten minutes when I suddenly sensed someone behind me.  Again, I ignored my instinct to turn around, albeit briefly, but then curiosity got the better of me and I looked behind me.

A woman, I would guess in her 30’s, was standing there and as I looked at her, she apologized for disturbing me.  I replied that she wasn’t disturbing me at all and I resumed my reflection.  She walked up the aisle and sat in the front pew on the opposite side of the aisle.

A few minutes later she got up, walked over to the baptismal font, touched the water with her hands, wiped her face and then went back and sat down.  Shortly after that, she got up, went to the baptismal font again, touched the water and wiped her face with it and then she went to light a candle between the statues of Joseph and Mary.

Shortly afterward, she return to the front pew and burst into tears.

I gave her privacy for what felt like a minute or so and then went over to ask if there was anything I could help her with.

She shook her head and I asked her if she wanted to talk about it.  She shook her head again.

Uncertain as to how to proceed, I asked her if I could find someone to help her, would she be ok with that and she nodded.

I could have done many things at that moment, including looking for a priest, but something compelled me to look for help elsewhere (no offense to priests). However, having made the offer to help, I had no idea what to do next.

That was when I started to look up therapists online and began calling ones that resonated with me.  I don’t know why – I just started doing it automatically.

I made seven calls.

I got two voicemail systems and four people who, after hearing my story, told me they were booked for the day and that I could make an appointment if I wished.

The seventh one listened to me and then asked me where I was.

I told her what church I was in and she indicated that she would be right over.

Fifteen minutes later, the therapist and the young lady were having a quiet conversation in a corner of the church while I hung out on the opposite side, feeling a little awkward about whether I should leave or stay.

Soon it appeared that they were finished talking and were preparing to leave.  The therapist came over to me and thanked me, indicating that I had done something very special and important today.

The young lady approached me, hesitated for a moment and then hugged me while whispering “thank you”.  It was the only words she had spoken to me during our entire interaction.

The therapist put her arm around the young lady, told me that they were going to her office and that everything would be ok.

And then they left.

Upon reflection ….

In the solitary quiet that had returned to the church, I sat and reflected on what had just happened.  I could have ignored my instinct and remained focused on my day and perhaps created a different type of day for all three people; the young lady, the therapist and myself.   

After all, many times that is indeed what we focus on in this busy world – my day, my problems, my needs, my victories. We live in a world that, despite the promise of social media and technology connecting us, becomes more narcissistic every day.

But then I remembered two other days when my instinct called to me strongly and despite the enormous pressures of those days, I answered the call.  I wrote about the two days here - The Importance of Conversation and The Power of Trusting Your Instinct.

And then it occurred to me that the when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. 

And when the student hasn’t really absorbed the lesson, then the teacher will reappear.

I guess the teacher will keep reappearing as many times as is necessary until the student really gets it.

Hopefully I got it this time.

When your instinct calls you, do you listen to it or do you shrug it off as silliness or irrelevant as compared to the importance of your day?

How will you know how silly or irrelevant it really is unless you listen to it and allow it to guide your actions?

How indeed?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Social Media Amnesia

I am often amused when going back over family photos and seeing some where I don’t remember “being there” when the photos were taken.  Almost without exception, those photos turn out to be ones where I was the “official photographer” of some event and I was so consumed with capturing the moment that I wasn’t actually living it, thus creating a strange sense of localized amnesia.

I wonder if social media will produce similar events on a larger scale in the future.

I see so many people who can’t wait to “get away from it all” and once they do, they spend all their time tweeting updates, sharing photos on FB and Pinterest or performing other “sharing” tasks.  Some of my friends, while “resting”, post photos every 10 minutes or so (some with even greater frequency) for the entire duration of their vacation.

In fact, some post so many updates that the rest of us become exhausted by their vacation. :-)

I wonder what their families think of their social media presence or, from their perspective, their “social media absence”.

It seems that once they had a chance to “get away from it all”, that they merely shifted from one thing that consumed them (work or other source of pressure) to another thing (sharing).

What happened to “getting away from it all”?

We Need To Unplug

It’s a known psychological / physiological fact that time to truly unplug and recharge is an essential part of the human experience.

I wonder how social media and our inordinate need to share photos and updates of everything we experience will play out in terms of our need to rest once in a while in order to return to a sense of optimal performance.

For some people, they probably think “Thank goodness for social media.”, otherwise they wouldn’t have any memory of where they were.

Personally I’d rather truly immerse myself in a moment than worry about sharing it with others who may or may not even care about it.  Otherwise, in a few years I may not be able to tell when looking at old photos whether I am looking at my vacation or someone else’s. :-)

Do you prefer to truly experience your Life or do you put more emphasis on making sure that others are experiencing it?

What do you think the impact of such a decision will be on your Life in the future?

More importantly, what do you think the impact of such a decision will be on the Life of others who were with you when you were focused on being “somewhere else” mentally / electronically?

Are you sure?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Blood Donations and Life Connections

I was honored this week to be invited to the Canadian Blood Services’ “Honouring Our Lifeblood” event, recognizing and honoring milestones for donors of blood products and it got me to thinking about my donations over more than 20 years.

At first I amused myself with thoughts of the recipients of my blood over the years, potentially numbering up to about 350 people depending on how it was used.

I was amused by the thought of them inheriting some of my traits as a result of the blood transfusion (impossible, I know, but I found it amusing to think about nonetheless).

I pictured friends and relatives of the recipients saying “I don’t know what happened to so-and-so but ever since the transfusion, they’ve been asking a lot of questions about everything, especially the questions “why?” and “how do you know?” and have become insane with helping as many people as they can”. :-)

But then I got to reflecting on how grateful recipients and their loved ones are for all people who donate blood products and how cool it is to consider that the gift of Life is offered with no thought of rewards, medals or a sense of indebtedness.

There are few such gifts in today’s world.

I reflected on all the people that I have dragged into blood collection centers in an effort to convert them into lifetime donors.  I think I’m operating at around an 80% success rate (with some funny and embarrassing stories along the way).

I also reflected on the many wonderful staff  and volunteers I have met in blood collection centers, how friendly they are, how dedicated they are and how I love to thank many of them with my favorite phrase:

“You give great needle”.

Oh yeah – let’s not forget about the free cookies.

Because it’s all about the cookies, right?

In the blood donation process, an anonymous connection is made between donor and recipient, a connection that binds them in ways mostly unknown to either in the anonymity of the donation process.

But a connection is made nonetheless, providing each side with the opportunity to see Life in a different way, a way that honors the miracle that Life is with its unlimited potential.

The connection also provides the recipient with an opportunity to experience more of the Life that otherwise may have been prematurely taken away from them.

So as I look at the invitation before me, it’s more than just a fun get-together.

It’s a reminder that we all have an opportunity to create miracles for people we will never meet (or to be the recipient of such a miracle).

And that’s pretty darn cool if you ask me.

And … oh yeah … let’s not forget the free cookies.

If you have never given blood, please consider giving it a try.

If you have given blood or continue to do so, from one donor to another, I’d like to thank you.

It’s a gift you will always feel proud to offer and one that a complete stranger will be extremely grateful to receive … for the rest of their Life.

And besides, statistically speaking, there is a good chance that the recipient of an anonymous donation may be you someday.

But between now and then, before you receive such an amazing gift, maybe you can even the karmic playing field in advance by helping a few others along the way.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Greetings from Greenwood, South Carolina

When I was younger, I loved to collect postcards from different places that I had traveled to and for some reason, I particularly loved the images of postcards like the “Greetings from …” series.

It’s not the places so much as the people that fascinate me in the many places I have been blessed to travel.

I was reminded of this this morning when I received an errant fax on behalf of a business in Greenwood, South Carolina.  I contacted the business to inform them that their fax had gone to the wrong recipient and I had a brief albeit nice chat with the owner of the establishment before hanging up.

Having not been to Greenwood before, I looked them up and came up with a few tidbits.

They have a beautiful Festival of Flowers.

They have what appears to be a fun weekend of food, music and more at their annual Festival of Discovery.

They have a renowned hospital system.

Their population as of the 2010 census was around 23,000 or so.

They have the unfortunate distinction of being the hardest hit county in the United States according to poverty statistics.

And based on the one person that I spoke to today, they appear to be fine, friendly folk. :-)

Why do these statistics matter to you?

They don’t …. not one bit.

Or maybe they mean everything to you.

Whenever I get an errant email, fax, call or such, I always make sure to reach out to the sender to inform them that their communication intention hasn’t worked, especially if the content is of a privacy or time-sensitive nature.

If the sender is from a place that I have no knowledge of, I always like to take a few minutes to understand a little bit of the world that that person exists in.

When we spend most of our time immersed in our own world, our own journey and our own context, we lose sight of the journeys of the other 6.5 billion people riding around on the rock that we call “home”.

And when we lose sight of the other journeys in progress parallel to our own, I think we lose sight of the “collective coolness” of the human experience.

Media of all forms will try to convince us that the world is coming to an end.  Even people like myself occasionally have to deliver bad news to people to wake them up personally, professionally, politically, societally, financially, spiritually or some other “ly” word.  Whenever you see me tag something with #1206, it is one of those cranial defibrillator notifications.

But let’s not forget to take some time when we have the opportunity to take a peek over the wall into someone else’s world to explore beauty and “coolness” that one may not have been aware of otherwise.

You will both be better for the experience, perhaps in ways unknown to you now but which will at some point make sense to you.

I think everything happens for a reason, even an errant fax from Greenwood, South Carolina.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Life Execution: Purpose or Paranoia?

As an observer of the human experience, I enjoy understanding what motivates people to live as they do.

One of the things I like to assess that I believe provides a high level of predictability in terms of narrowing the gap between potential and results is whether they are guided by “purpose” or “paranoia” (fear).

In other words ….

Each of us is motivated to run towards something (a Purpose-filled Life) or to run from something (a fear / avoidance-based Life).  The quality and impact of our lives is in large-part derived from the choice we embrace.

After all, if I am focused on moving towards a Purpose, then I am unwavering in my intention to do what it takes to reach my goals -  collecting and sharing the knowledge, networks, finances and any other resources necessary to bring my Purpose (and the Purpose of others) to fruition.

I decide what my priorities are and act appropriately on them.  I am also not easily knocked off target in terms of goal-focus and can adjust my execution as required.

If I am running from fear, whether it is a fear of financial failure, fear of relationship failure, fear of a perceived lack of knowledge, fear of someone being better than me, fear of how others perceive me or anything else, then I am reactive - blowing in the breeze with my random actions depending on what fear resonates the loudest with me on a given day.

In this case, my fear-driven priorities probably represent the priorities of someone else who is living their Life in a Purpose-filled way (or even worse if I allow someone’s fear-focused intentions to fuel the same in me, thereby producing a really random, potentially painful result). 

My Life would look like Monty Python’s “100 Yard Dash For People With No Sense of Direction”.

 

 

I’m also not living my Life in such situations – I’m living someone else’s.

As I have mentioned in earlier writings, we can choose to live our Life as we desire or we can allow others to drive our Life as they desire.

The former takes courage and often requires that we make painful decisions.

The latter creates even more fear within and produces painful or disappointing results – not just for ourselves but for others as well.

The latter is also like trying to balance a bowling ball on a broomstick.

It sways in many directions and seems temporarily successful …..

…. but it provides little value or purpose and eventually falls, providing an embarrassing moment at best or potentially killing the person underneath in a worst-case scenario.

Do you focus on Purpose or paranoia?

While most people who are asked believe they are Purpose-focused, it is estimated that only 3-5% of people in the Western world actually focus on the former.

Are you one of them?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

The Paradox of Our Progress

I saw this note by a social media friend today and it caused me to stop and reflect on how well (or not) we use the tools and knowledge at our disposal.

Question: If someone from the 1950’s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about Life today?

Answer: I possess a device that fits in my pocket and that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man.  I use it primarily to look at pictures of cats and get caught in arguments with strangers.

I won’t offer any analysis of this exchange.

I think it speaks volumes in terms of our potential and what we do (and don’t do) with it.

Are you living up to your potential?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

The Latest Scourge - Striving For Mediocrity

I was in a meeting with Dr. Stephen Covey some years ago to discuss a project that I was seeking his help on when he interrupted me to make an observation.

A journey inside your mind is both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

I was taken aback by this and asked if I should take this as a compliment.

He laughed and said, “Of course you should.  You dare to see unlimited opportunity and you are audacious enough to demand an opportunity to manifest it.  Not only that but you dare other people to come along for the ride and to share in the rewards.”.

I never thought of myself this way and I was humbled to receive such an observation by a man whom I have held in the highest regard for years.

Just as I went to Dr. Covey for his help, many people come to me with their personal and professional dreams.

They often use phrases like “going for the gold”, “seizing the day”, “striving for greatness” or some other cliché that they express in an effort to demonstrate to me (and to themselves) that they will do whatever it takes.

On closer inspection however, it is common to see that something is holding them back and their mind is bound up in the structural intention of wanting to do whatever it takes while not actually doing it.

When confronted with a smorgasbord of things that they can choose from the buffet of success, they choose one or two and leave the rest on the table (often lamenting that they couldn’t take more).

I know all about it.  I’ve experienced this myself in my past and so when I point this out to them, I’m not making an observation from my ivory tower.  I’m using personal experience (and struggles) as context for my observation.

They seem to be saving themselves, holding themselves back as a great jockey holds back a thoroughbred until the moment that the finish line is in sight, after which they release their mount to run the race of its Life.

The reasons are many and from their perspective and context, completely valid.  If I had their genetics and Life experiences, I would probably be demonstrating the same behavior.

However, even when their finish line is in sight, many of these people continue to hold themselves back.

That’s not to say that we must run pell mell through Life, burning ourselves and others out in a frantic attempt to reap every reward within reach.  Living a Life well-lived means knowing when one should jog, walk or just sit down and rest (or even to be carried by someone else for a little while).

But there also comes a time, if we really believe that we want to manifest the best that Life has to offer, when we need to throw care to the wind and DARE to risk everything.

It may result in success.

It may result in failure.

Either way, there will be a helluva story to share with others later!  People who wonder why I have so many stories to share don’t realize that these stories represent the results of daring to live a Life well-lived.  Sometimes stuff worked as desired.  Sometimes it didn’t.

True success, personally and professionally, doesn’t come for those who play Life tentatively.

We can either dare to fail greatly or fail to dare greatly.

Living an audacious Life isn’t reflected in the words you speak.

It is reflected in the actions you take.

And these actions, when taken, reveal possibilities and opportunities that wouldn’t manifest had we chosen to hold ourselves back from our ultimate potential.

For all of us, the finish line is closer than we would like to admit.

It is time to run the race of your Life.

Well … unless you prefer to strive for mediocrity.  There’s a lot of that going around.

I don’t think you want a Life of mediocrity.

Do you?

Don’t just tell me.

Prove it.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Perspective: A Lesson in Selling From an Unusual Source

As I entered a coffee shop this morning, my attention was drawn to a professionally dressed woman who was emphatically speaking on the phone.

“You must go after whatever you want with everything you have and with no apologies“, she implored as I sat at the table next to her.  “There is nothing in Life that you should ever feel embarrassed about. Ever!”.

True enough, I thought.  More people should feel this way.

As she hung up, I heard her mutter something about “people who don’t get it”.

I started to go through my email when I became distracted by her phone (so I thought) that had started vibrating in her purse.  I wouldn’t have cared so much except:

1. She had put her ear buds on and didn’t notice it.

2. It was obviously vibrating against a metallic or plastic object in her purse which amplified the sound significantly.

3. It wasn’t stopping.

When the sound didn’t subside, I waved to get her attention and as she removed her ear buds, I said “your phone is ringing”, pointing at her purse.

She frowned, and started looking through her purse, laying the contents of it on the table as she strove to isolate the source of the noise.

She located the source which I couldn’t help but see as she tried to discretely turn it off.

Her “facial massage unit” was the source of the noise and it was clear that she was feeling embarrassed by one of the banes of women’s existence – premature activation.

Her red face indicated her level of embarrassment and she started to hurriedly pack up her belongings.

“Sorry about that”, she said quickly.

“No worries at all”, I replied.  “However, I couldn’t help but notice that you were telling someone else to never be embarrassed about anything and you were feeling frustrated that they didn’t get it.  But here you are feeling embarrassed.  Perhaps you might find it easier to convince other people of your ideas if you believed them yourself”.

She seemed a little taken aback by my bluntness.

Then she realized that I was offering an observation out of helpfulness and she smiled.

“You’re right”, she said.  “What a way to learn.”

We both laughed and as she left, I offered her my standard farewell – “Create a great day, because merely having one is too passive an experience”.

After she left, I reflected on the moment and smiled.

Five lessons came to mind:

1. Lessons in Life often manifest in unusual (and funny) ways if we allow them to reach us and to teach us.

2. We can’t sell an idea to someone else unless we see things from their perspective and context.

3. We can’t sell anything if we don’t believe in it ourselves.

4. If you’re going to insist on carrying your “facial massage unit” around, make sure the safety is on to avoid the pitfalls of premature activation.

5. If you have a tendency to forget what’s in your purse, you may be REALLY embarrassed the next time you go through airport security.

Are you open to the lessons in Life that are all around you?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

The Adventures of Mirror Man

Scientists have demonstrated for years that humans mimic other humans.  While many of us scoff at the “monkey see, money do” mentality, get angry at people who are “sucking up to us” or allow our egos to be stroked by such mimicry, it is a natural human experience that most of us should understand on a better level in order to be better people.

Being mirrored by someone who has been practicing the art for years is an interesting experience to witness and feel.

One person years ago labeled me as Mirror Man because he thought I had mastered the art.  He also noted that  the powers of Mirror Man can lift you up or tear you down …. depending on how good or evil you are. :-)

For example ….

People who don’t like to be pushed into decisions find that I am equally relaxed about not forcing them into one (as long as the time is available to think, of course) and they appreciate that I give them the space to muse about appropriate decisions.

Others who are aggressive in strategic execution find that my non-compromising passion for successful execution built upon respect, transparency, collaboration and intelligent strategy strongly resonates with their outlook to create success.

When one’s desires and actions are reflected in the desires and actions of others, we find resonance in purpose and results (not necessarily style, but a difference in style can be a necessary thing).

However, what happens when one’s stated desires are not in resonance with one’s actions and in turn, the values of Mirror Man?

Well … then it gets complicated.

When one talks about being audacious about success, implores everyone around them to be the same and then does little to lead by example, results-focused superheroes like Mirror Man can be perceived as an enemy instead of a friend.

When one talks about values like respect and collaboration while tearing the limbs off others, then Mirror Man is probably not going to be found in your corner defending your actions.

When a leader chants the mantra of transparency while living a Life of mystery, intrigue and secrets, Mirror Man’s style of authenticity will probably rub you the wrong way.

A leader who espouses the importance of strong strategy and tactics while executing with reckless abandon will probably find that Mirror Man has long left the building.

And when a leader chooses a style of bullying as his / her means of inspiring results, then they find that Mirror Man is the immovable object who doesn’t tolerate such behavior.

Authenticity is a choice … and offers an invitation

To be authentic, to be congruent in thought, word and action, attracts others to us that help move us towards mutually agreed upon results.

When relationships are in congruence, the results and the great memories that are produced last a lifetime.  Such memories bring smiles and tears of joy every time one reflects upon them.

Conversely, when one is not congruent in thought, word and action, both within ourselves and with others, we may perceive others as being obstacles to our success or impediments to manifesting our dreams when in fact such events are a call to look within instead of consistently blaming everyone else.

And when we have looked within, gotten over the anger or sadness and learned our lesson, then the calling card of the Mirror Man makes sense:

If my letter made you sad, I am not sorry I wrote it. At first I was sorry, because it made you sad, but you were sad only for a short time. Now I am happy, not because you were made sad, but because your sorrow made you change your lives. - 2 Corinthians 7:8-9a. (NCV)

The old mantra “Do as I say (or demand) … not as I do” doesn’t work in business …..

…. or in Life.

In service and servanthood,

Mirror Man (Harry)

Building Sandcastles–Taking Life Too Seriously

As a long time entrepreneur and Fortune 25 / Wall St. strategy and technology guy, I stand accused of the following charges:

1. Taking myself too seriously while not taking the value of my time / “fun” relationships seriously enough.

2. Always preparing for tomorrow instead of cherishing the moment that is today.

How do I plead?

Guilty, your honor.

Yes, there are times I would like to believe that I have optimized everything perfectly in my Life.

But I know I haven’t.  I am human, after all.

And no, I don’t sit in regret, looking at my Life as a collection of woulda-coulda-shouldas.

My Life has been the perfect collection of memories, events, relationships, victories, challenges, stumbles and learning lessons that make it what it is today.

And so is yours.

While we see a lot of “experts” espousing the ideals of being more efficient, more productive, more intelligent, more wealthy, more beautiful and more “everything else”, we need to recognize the importance of being a little less efficient, a little less productive and gasp, yes, even a little less intelligent – on occasion, not as a way of living, of course.

And as we run around in circles building our legacies, building the legacies of others or having a legacy built for us by someone else, sometimes it is nice to build something temporary, enjoy it for what it is and then let it dissolve with no regrets or attachments.

After all, while we would like to believe that we are the masters of our destiny, having wilful control over everything in our lives, some of the most powerful things in our Lives are created when we step back and just let things occur as they are meant to occur, not caring what others think about what we are doing or what the long term contribution is to our Life.

And for us to savor those moments as they are revealed.

The beauty of a sandcastle

Some of us may have cherished memories of building a perfect sandcastle with its wonderfully imagined details.  At some point, we were called in for the day and regretfully, left our sandcastle behind to the whims of the tide.

And while the sandcastles of our youth are long gone, the memories that were imprinted in our psyche will last a lifetime.

Some of the most powerful memories in our lives are of the victories we have achieved, the relationships we have built (and possibly lost) and the challenges we have overcome as we attempt to live a Life of purpose and meaning.

However, some of the most powerful memories in our lives will have been created when we didn’t take ourselves too seriously at all and we participated in an activity because it was fun and not because it was a step in some master plan that we had contrived.

Tomorrow will be filled with the excitement and challenges of Life, as we work with others to write the story of our lives.

But today I think I will head out to build a sandcastle.  In the storybook of my Life, those pages are important also.

How about you?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Will It Hurt If I Pretend It’s Not There?

I was cut off this morning by a guy in a small truck who, as I approached him from his left, looked me right in the eye, looked forward, gunned his engine and raced across the road, missing me by inches.

While it was a close call, there was something I noticed as he raced across the road – something I have noticed in other drivers who drive carelessly like this.

He stared straight ahead with his jaw set and continued doing what he was doing (knowing I was there) when he could have avoided an issue by staying put and waiting the extra 5 seconds.

It looked like he was thinking “if I stare straight ahead and pretend he’s not there, he won’t hit me”.

As they say in the military, “his pucker factor was probably pretty high”.

Unfortunately for this driver, pretending I’m not there would not have eased the pain if the 4000 pound vehicle I was driving had carved his in two with him at the impact point.

Fortunately for this driver, one of us cared about the outcome and an accident was averted.

Meanwhile in America

I can’t help but look at the situation in America in the same way.

Mass shootings continue in the US but people assert that easy access to high power automatic weapons using armor piercing ammunition is not contributing to the issue.

Job growth in America is stagnant despite assurances from the President and others that things are looking up.

Young men and women continue to die overseas in wars that have had multiple justifications including fighting terrorism, eliminating WMDs, helping people throw off oppressive governments, helping people find democracy and a plethora of other reasons.  Now these fine men and women are making the ultimate sacrifice for no reason that anyone can put their finger on but we do it anyway and without question.

Lawmakers on Capitol Hill continue to put their own needs and priorities above those whom they serve and represent.

And while I am not a “birther” by any stretch, I am intrigued that the President’s legal defense bill is now in the millions as he deals with allegations of issues with his birth certificate (the one produced has a checksum error on it suggesting it was tampered with or is not real), his social security numbers (yes, plural), his Selective Service card and the means by which he obtained his degrees at Harvard and Columbia.

Millions that will be expensed back to the taxpayer at some point through creative accounting.

Meanwhile, millions of people aren’t concerned that if the potential for deceit has been raised, it should be addressed lest a much greater deceit be revealed.

But I digress.

The Importance of Human Denial

Human denial is an important trait.  Sometimes rather than getting tied up in knots fretting over something, the trait of human denial allows us to pretend our problems are not there for the moment, to buy us the breathing room to think and to come up with a plan.

But once denial continues beyond that and our behavior doesn’t change, then future results aren’t too hard to predict.

And so as we stare straight ahead with our jaw set and think:

• guns don’t kill people, people kill people and my desire to have weapons designed for killing people easily and in large numbers is a right as defined by the Founding Fathers
• the people who guided the nation as it fell into stagnation, who didn’t see it coming and whose predictions have repeatedly failed will be the people who will guide us out of the challenges we are in
• the wars overseas still have purpose
• it is ok that many (not all) politicians who represent us don’t actually care or have any sense of urgency regarding the challenges facing us daily
• the President elected on a platform of transparency and openness and who could wipe out all Republican and conspiracy resistance by coming clean should just stand his ground on principle no matter what the cost
• ____ insert your own unexplainable / unjustifiable / hope-it-works-out-because-I-want-it-to wish here ____

need to stop and think for a moment and remember.

As with this driver this morning, it’s easy to stare straight ahead (or close our eyes), cross our fingers and expect “the other guy” to prevent a disaster or for things to just work themselves out.

This is not strategy – this is luck.

The problem is that the other guy may be doing the same thing, expecting you to prevent the problem.

And when everyone is waiting for everyone else to solve the problem, eventually we get unlucky.

Why would we leave the future of the great nation that embraces Lady Liberty in the hands of Lady Luck instead?

Optimism and hope for a better future are important traits to have.

But they only matter when based on facts, knowledge, respectful dialog and action – action that each of us should take instead of assuming that the other guy has our back.

Otherwise, optimism and reality collide …. sometimes painfully.

The guy in the truck was lucky.

However, we can’t count on luck to accidentally produce a positive future.

Let’s count on intelligent, proactive action and collaboration to create the positive future that our potential calls us to create.

Sowing the seeds for a better future is the easy part.

Visualizing the great harvest in the future is the fun part.

The work that takes place between those two points is the hard part.

Our future generations deserve the effort that is required of us to nurture that which we planted.

We deserve what we get if we do otherwise.

But do they?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS  Some of my colleagues on The Hill have shared rumblings with me of the possibility of domestic issues around the nation, anticipated to occur from late August, 2012 to early September, 2012 and between November, 2012 and February, 2013.  The details of these issues are allegedly classified.  That being said, how can we expect to produce better results in this great nation if we can’t be trusted to work together to build upon the vision of the Founding Fathers?  I guess in a situation like this, it comes down to luck …….. hopefully that’s not all it comes down to.

The Limitations of Extending a Broken Model

Today I deployed a new version of my website - leaner, cleaner, with more focused content, fewer words and fewer gadgets.

As I backed up and removed the old website, something occurred to me regarding the result that had been produced.

The older website, while serving its purpose well for years, had grown organically during that time, extending out in all directions in terms of content, gadgets and intention and as a result, had gotten very unwieldy.

It had lost its purpose!

My website was broken in terms of value to anyone reading it.  Every time I wanted to add content, I duly did so while continuing to live within (and extend) the broken model that it had evolved into, making the problem even worse.

I had fallen into the natural tendency of living within implied constraints, limiting what I could accomplish as a result.

And as I lived within those perceived constraints, I was getting increasingly frustrated with the website, even though no one told me that I had to live within the rules and constraints by extending the broken thing that it was.

I was either taking the easy way out or assuming that I had to remain within the existing model.  It wasn’t until the pain of living with the old model became great enough that I decided that I needed to create a new model instead of trying to improve a dying one.

This is often the case in Life, both personally and professionally.

Many times we feel constrained by having to comply with the model and rules that have been defined for us (or that we have defined for ourselves), whether it is an existing software architecture as in my case or in our lives in general.

When we believe that we can only improve a result while still remaining within the rules and constraints of the existing model, we are perhaps denying ourselves a much more significant, positive result in our lives.

Now I know there are times when we simply can’t toss out the existing model that we have, build a brand new one and start all over.

But I’m willing to bet that the opportunities to do so are probably more readily available than most of us are willing to admit.

And by not admitting this, we are perhaps limiting ourselves to not living up to our potential or producing the result we are capable of …. to not realizing our purpose.

Care to take that wager?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Life and Software–When The Obvious Is Not So Obvious

Some years ago, I was working on a project on Wall St. where one of the Big 4 consulting companies had just implemented a very expensive IT system.

Its architecture was glorious in theory, perfect in its purity and yet one day, this glorious manifestation took down the entire internal network of a major bank.

What happened?

Without getting too technical, the application was designed to get any message that needed to be displayed to its user from a centralized database of messages.

One day, someone inadvertently took the message database offline and the application realized that an error occurred when it couldn’t retrieve the messages it needed to display.

In order to display the error message describing what happened, the application naturally went looking for the error message in that database and it couldn’t find it, producing another error.

That error in turn caused the application to look for the same database to obtain the same error message to display and then ……

You get the picture.

The application architects and developers had failed to plan for the fact that the message database itself could disappear.

The application “panicked” and tried harder and harder to obtain the information it needed and in doing so, spun itself into oblivion while producing nothing in the way of a positive result.  Thousands of PCs started doing the same thing and the network came down.

A multi-million dollar system had been brought to its knees by a simple oversight.

Life Is Like That Sometimes

Sometimes Life is the same.  Something that we thought should be happening in Life is not happening and so we try again.

But instead of doing something different, we try the same thing and produce the same result.

Getting frustrated (or panicking) we do the same thing again.

It feels natural to do this until someone points out that in fact we are doing the same thing over and over. 

And if n0body points this out or they do and we ignore them, eventually our “network”; our brain, our strength, our courage or our faith in ourselves and others fails.

And then comes the inevitable crash just as the crash that occurred within the Bank I mentioned.

All it would take to avoid this crash is a slight change in our approach or a slight change in our understanding of the environment that we live within.

But sometimes when we are in the thick of things, the slight modifications needed in our actions or our environment are not easily visible – we’re too focused on rapidly finding a solution.

And when we get caught up in our ever-increasing need to find a solution, the solution we seek will evade us with ever increasing speed …. causing panic, pain or failure as a result.

The Objective Observer

In the case of the application I mentioned, the architects came to me and said “We’re stuck – what can we do?”.  They had spent weeks of meetings trying to sort it out.

I looked at the architecture and said “Perhaps if the error routine already had knowledge of the “Message database is not available” message without having to go get it, it could report the error without spinning itself into oblivion”.

A simple answer – easily discerned and seemingly obvious to me because I wasn’t buried in the weeds of the thing nor did I have any concern around admitting I had created the problem.

Life is the same.

Sometimes when we find ourselves buried in the weeds of something that doesn’t appear to be working, we need to find the objective observer who can point out what is obvious to them.

It took the Big 4 consultants with their $2500 per day bill rates a long time to suck up their ego before asking me what the issue was.

But eventually the embarrassment (and potential punishment) from failure was more powerful than the ego that was holding them back.

Einstein’s Law of Insanity applies here, the notion that we shouldn’t expect a different result from the same actions. However, I wonder if it should be renamed Einstein’s Law of Ego.

When we finally push our ego down enough to ask “Can you help me understand why this is not working?”, we open ourselves up to new results that are dramatically better.

Isn’t that better than spinning ourselves into oblivion?

Our level of perfection as human beings may be perfect in potential, just as this application’s architecture was perfect in theory.

But potential means nothing if the results don’t match the potential.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS  I was reminded as I wrote this about a conversation I had with an NTSB investigator years ago.  He mentioned that in some situations, a pilot was able to avert disaster when, as an unanticipated event occurred, he took 10 seconds to stop and ask “What is happening here?” instead of just instantly reacting to the situation and possibly making it worse if not fatal.

An interesting thought and somewhat related.

Platitudes–Life Saving or Life Draining?

A colleague of mine issued a personal cry for help on social media over the weekend.  It wasn’t an obvious one – he is too proud for that and hasn’t learned that there is nothing wrong with asking for help.  However, it wasn’t too difficult to read the signals contained within his posts.

Given the nature of his request, it was the responses that he received that struck me and it made me realize this:

If you are ever seeking additions to your collection of clichés and platitudes, hover around the social media watering holes where people are asking for help.

You’ll find everything you need there.

The sad part is that people don’t realize that offering up a “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or a “things can only get better” doesn’t help someone in need.  In fact, when Life is squeezing someone hard, the “go get ‘ems” are as likely to drag them deeper into that which mires them down as they are to lift someone up.

Yes, they can help someone feel like they’re not alone but that isn’t always enough.

Sometimes the person in trouble is in so deep that they can’t “hear you” and needs more than pithy platitudes.

How do I know?

Because I was there once.  And at that point in my Life when I thought the bottom was falling out, the platitudes around thinking positive and such weren’t resonating.  Perhaps if I hadn’t fallen so deeply into my self-analysis, self-doubt and self-criticism, wondering how I had arrived at the situation in question, then the “words of wisdom” may have meant more to me.

However, I had long passed the point of those words meaning anything and many of them left me feeling cynical at the time, having helped so many people in my years and seeing that the best that they could come back with was a “you’re smart, you’ll figure it out”.

It’s not until one has been pulled from the mire that one realizes that there is truth in the words.  But we also learn through experience that the power and truth in those words of inspiration can only really be understood by someone after they have survived the gauntlet that was dragging them down. 

Having overcome our challenges, we also know better than to casually hurl the same phrases at others.  We know that if the other person is feeling crushed, they may not feel the power in the words that we intended them to feel when we so cavalierly tossed out encouragement in a tweet or a Facebook message.

In my situation, it took a combination of hard work, luck and the help of others to get out of it.

That’s the way Life is – anyone who says that they turned their Life around without the help of others is lying or deluded.

That’s not to say that we can, should or must help everyone.  There are many times that we can’t or we shouldn’t, based on many factors unique to every individual and situation.

However, if the person in trouble really needs help, you want to help and you are able to help, don’t offer an off-the-cuff “I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers” or some other collection of words that help you feel that your two-second drive-by inspiration has fulfilled your obligation.

That’s like yelling out to the drowning man that being alone in the water and feeling like he’s drowning is the best way for him to learn how to swim.

Sometimes what is most important is a helping hand and not a demonstration of your mastery of clichés.

If you have really “been there and won”, then you know this already.

Someone you know (or maybe don’t know) is waiting for a hand-up today (not a handout).

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS As I wrote this, I received a news alert that Stephen Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and many other influential works, has passed away at age 79.  His impact on many, including myself, is deep and profound.  He will definitely be missed.

I was deeply impacted by his rules for living – the 4 L’s: to live, to love, to learn and to leave a legacy.

How can one go wrong with such a formula?

Addendum: July 26, 2012

My cliché for the day:

That which doesn’t kill you causes you to spout clichés.

I couldn’t resist! :-)

Let’s Trade Lives–Yours is Better

I ran into someone recently whom I don’t know but who knew quite a bit about my Life.  At one point in the conversation, he said “Your life is so cool. I would love to live the Life you have”.

In thinking about this comment, I can somewhat see what he based this observation on.

After all, my early years were spent growing up in this house in Newfoundland ….

and my career eventually evolved into an award-winning one in New York where I got to associate with people like Bill Gates and others (I’m on the right, Bill is on the left, in the photo below) …..

I survived 4 muggings in NYC, having an up-to-now 4-0 record.

I walked away from 4 airplane incidents that some pilots have rated as the most terrifying moments in their career.

I was blessed to co-found a successful company in NYC with some of the most brilliant people on the planet.

I have a bazillion stories that make people laugh and cry.

Yup – my Life has been perfect.  I can see why he would want to live my Life.  Who wouldn’t?

Well … not exactly ….

He is basing his desire to live a Life like mine based on the rewards that he sees.

He doesn’t see the difficulty (as well as the blessings) in growing up in a poorer part of the country and feeling, as a kid, not as worthy as the wealthy crowd.

He doesn’t feel the terror when confronted with imminent death, either at the hands of a mugger or contained within an aircraft that is destined to splatter us all on a runway.

He is not feeling the anguish at 2 in the morning when one is wondering how to make the payroll for all the staff (and their families) relying on him as the company attempts to make the transition from inception to sustainability.

He doesn’t feel the guilt of knowing that one of his teammates died in the World Trade Center as a result of an action he did or didn’t take.

He hasn’t experienced the pain in the gut one feels when terminating the employment of an individual who tells you, while you are firing him, that he just discovered this morning that he and his wife are about to experience their first child.

He hasn’t experienced the difficulty of balancing success with personal relationships.

He doesn’t experience the burden that I carry as a result of being exposed to confidential information that can’t be shared that conflicts with my own personal values and my concerns for the planet.

He’s not seeing the times when I have been taken to the edge spiritually, emotionally, physically or financially.

He just sees the glory.

The truth is that everyone’s lives are a mix of triumph and disaster, glory and struggle, terrifying moments and immense rewards.

And while he compares his Life to mine and compares the mundane stuff that he perceives in his own Life versus the rewards he perceives in mine, he has blinded himself to the great stories that he has in his own Life and the complexities that I have in mine.

He’s not comparing the whole package, either his Life in its entirety or mine in its entirety.

And there’s a great flaw in this method of comparison.

As is noted in the Desiderata:

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Personally, I see my Life as a series of blessings that I am grateful for every day … the good parts of it as well as the difficult ones.  I wouldn’t trade any of it nor could I easily recommend it to others - not all of it is for the weak-minded or the faint of heart.

And so, before we so quickly aspire to live someone else’s Life, we should ask ourselves three questions:

1. How much do we really know of the unknown side of the person whose success we marvel at and what they have experienced in their Life besides just “the good stuff”?

2. Are we truly ready and prepared to endure what it takes to harvest the rewards that the other person appears to have?

And most importantly ….

3. Should we not examine our own lives first and recognize that our individual stories of Life’s tribulations and rewards are as amazing as anyone’s?

While we may marvel at the story of someone else’s Life, someone is marvelling at ours.

And that’s a cool story worth wanting, living and sharing.

In service and servanthood,

Harry