If My Question Offends You – A Remix

An offended heart is the breeding ground of deception. - John Bevere

Being offended is part of being in the real world. - Courtney Love

When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger. – Epictetus

Yesterday, I observed a long time colleague terminate a 25+ year friendship with me because I dared to ask why he focuses on spreading doom and gloom, often referencing fanatical, fear-laden rhetoric written by people who are pushing their fear and paranoia onto other people.

Merely asking the question of why he does it caused him to terminate the relationship and as I reflected upon this with another long-time colleague this morning, A. made an interesting observation.

A. said, “Well, you know that you are very intimidating when you ask questions and these questions can be easily misinterpreted”.  He meant well by the observation and stressed that he wasn’t trying to insult me (and I wasn’t insulted by the observation – his heart and mind are always solution-oriented and I have deep respect for him for that).

I found the observation fascinating because the question that I asked that launched the relationship termination was “Why?”.  I didn’t even get a chance to follow-up with the often misunderstood, more detail-specific “How do you know?”.

When we are immediately offended by someone asking “Why?”, we forget that we are being invited to explain something, to strengthen support for an idea, to more fully flesh the idea out or perhaps to win a “convert” over to a new cause (or perhaps correct an incorrect behavior that is adversely impacting ourselves or others).

Conversely, when we get our backs up over someone asking “Why?”, we assume that our answer (or ourselves personally) will automatically be judged (or have been judged already).  It’s as silly as assuming that because someone asked you for the time of day that they are accusing you of being late for something.

So the same question of “Why?” is both a blessing and a curse, depending on how our ego chooses to respond to it.

Examples from the “how dare you?” camp …

A short while ago, colleagues of mine had an opportunity to invest millions in a small company that had run out of cash and the company chose to give priority to a $25,000 sale in lieu of accepting the investment.  When I asked “why?” they had made that choice, what was sent back was a barrage of “You don’t understand” excuses and insults.  They took burning bridges to a new level.

Last week, an investment opportunity for colleagues of mine that had been a year in the making went off the rails when the person, after taking more than a year to get to a decision on investment, went off the deep end when merely asked why it was taking so long for him to make any decision.  The investment decision had already been approved but the person in question went about convincing myself and others that the investment should not happen.

Examples from the “thank you” camp ….

Colleagues of mine in the middle of creating a game-changer in the area of predicting human behavior listened to my questions of “Why?” and “How do you know?” in November and the light came on.  They knew exactly why I was asking and enthusiastically set about answering the question, knowing that their offering would become stronger as a result (Well done, Greg and gang – you are changing the world).

A new colleague of mine, in exploring approaches to strategy, told me last night that answering these questions will make his organization stronger and will enable he and his team to serve others better. (Well done, Don – your work will impact generations).

The difference between the two camps is self-confidence in themselves and what they are building, the belief that what they are building will serve themselves and others well, the knowledge that anything that strengthens their offerings creates a win for everyone and the belief that what they are doing is so important that it is worth defending and strengthening.  These men, in their brilliance, know that ego is important for self confidence but can be a destroyer of worlds if not managed well.

The others are either not confident in what they are building, not confident in themselves, are unwilling to fight for what they believe in, know they have made an error, surround themselves with naysayers, compensate for insecurity with a projected overconfidence or have become so accustomed to being judged that they believe every question that is sent their way is in fact a judgement.

Such a heightened level of hypersensitivity robs people of the opportunity to learn, to strengthen their offerings, to improve their results and to connect with other people who want and need to collaborate in creating a better world.

And with that, and for those who don’t understand the importance of answering questions that are asked with an intent to understand and strengthen, I offer a remix of a post I originally shared in April of 2011.

If My Question Offends You

As a long-time strategy and global technology adoption architect, my opinion is often solicited, whether it be by a start-up, a not-for-profit, a Fortune 25 company or anything in-between.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) for the people who solicit my help, I am known as the “asker of audacious questions” (thanks to Barry G. for the title which I wear proudly).

People come to me expecting to ask a lot of questions of me, get a lot of answers from me and move on.

However, many are surprised that I may have more questions for them than they have for me and if they are unprepared or have weak egos, they will be offended by those questions.

Most often, I have two key questions but those questions are often more complex to answer than the questions others have for me.

The questions are “Why?” and “How do you know?”.

There is a little secret about why I ask these questions.

It’s not an attempt to assert one person’s intelligence over another.  We are all gifted in intelligence in different forms.

It’s not an attempt to embarrass them, create a contest of wills or play ego-Olympics.  What a waste of time and energy that is.

I ask the questions so that I can understand what is being presented to me.

The truth is that I find everyone’s ideas and potential to be fascinating.  I am curious to know if people find their own story as compelling and based on reality as they would like me to believe it is.

However, the most important reason I ask so many questions is because I believe, as I learned from Gerald Weinberg’s writings many years ago, that when people come seeking advice or a solution to a problem, they as the subject matter expert often have within their mind the very solution they hope to obtain from someone else’s mind.

Mr. Weinberg posited that if one listens carefully, the owner of a problem will actually state the solution in the first five minutes of dialog.  Mr. Weinberg named this rule …. gasp … wait for it … The 5 Minute Rule.  It is brilliant in its simplicity.

Many times, the owner of a problem or position is so buried with mental baggage that they don’t know the answer or their ego warns them that any answer has already been judged before it was even expressed.  They become so focused on proving that they are the “right person for the job” that their hypersensitive ego steps in and their effort to demonstrate intelligence, qualifications, rationalization or justification drowns out the person trying to help them.

However, if the right questions are asked, probing the mind of the person with the problem, if the problem holder listens carefully, if the problem holder respectfully / factually offers an answer and if the querent listens carefully to the answers, then answers / solutions often present themselves.

There’s a lot of listening there, isn’t there?

People like me don’t just help others find a solution or discover their strengths.  Oftentimes they have it within themselves – they just needed a little help finding it, bringing it out and expressing it.

Asking appropriate questions provide an opportunity to explore within another, the strength of an idea, the thoroughness of the foundation that converts the idea into a result, the willingness of an individual to collaborate in making the idea into a reality and in some cases, offers the opportunity to correct a behavior before someone gets hurt.

It is also an opportunity to assess how strongly someone feels about their willingness to do whatever it takes to make their dream come true (or to correct information on which execution is based).

If someone is offended by a question, there is a good chance that they prefer not to deal with realities, that their ego doesn’t want to acknowledge that they may need some help or in fact, they may have discovered a foundational error that can’t be corrected or is not based on reality, ethics, morals, etc (but their ego doesn’t want to admit this).

For those people, being offended by simple questions should sound an alert that they are either not prepared for success or are not hungry enough for it.

And so if my question offends you, forgive me if I tell you that I won’t apologize to you. 

If you are offended,  you, me or both of us may have been saved from a disaster.

Maybe ……. unless you choose to go somewhere else where you hear what you want to hear and not what you need to hear.  After all, there is comfort in hearing what you want to hear from a bunch of yes-people who have their own agendas or biases in play, often to your detriment.

Unfortunately in those situations, reality is a persistent beast.  It tells us what we need to hear repeatedly until we get it.

Or … if we ignore it too long … it gets us.

But then, you already knew that … didn’t you? :-)

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Related Posts:

• If My Question Offends You
• The Most Important Question of All
• Hope or Gloom – We Thrive and Die Together

PS: I am reminded of a similar phenomenon, being offended by what is not said. For example, if I make an anti-Clinton comment, people should not infer I am pro-Trump (or vice versa).  Too many people intentionally make this error in an attempt to be deliberately offended, thus rationalizing and justifying a feeling of anger or hatred.  Such actions are equally damaging if embraced.

The Voice of the Rebel

“People are afraid, very afraid of those who know themselves. The masses do not want to be disturbed even though they may be in misery.” – Osho

“Yeah with one foot in the grave and one foot on the pedal, I was born a rebel” - Tom Petty “Rebels”

I ask a lot of questions.

People who know me know that my two favorite questions are “Why?” and “How do you know?”. 

I have mused about questions, the need to ask them, how to ask them, etc., many times, including but not limited to the following posts:

Improving the Result

Facts –The Downfall of Many Dreamers

Asking Questions That Get Answered

The Most Important Question of All

Solving Mysteries–The Direct Approach

If My Question Offends You ….

If You Can’t Explain It, Don’t Do It

The Secret of the “Soothsayer”

What Do You Stand For?

Solving Puzzles–Follow the Breadcrumbs

Ouch …. that is only a partial list.  I didn’t realize that I wrote about this subject THAT many times. :-)

I don’t just ask these questions of others.  I ask them of myself …. daily … oftentimes hourly … sometimes more frequently and with far greater intensity than the manner in which I ask others.

I have discovered that when one asks a lot of questions, it makes a lot of people nervous, especially if they have something to hide or they have been asking the same questions but the answer is eluding them.  You always know that something is amiss when the mere existence of a question angers or frightens people.

I remember getting in some hot water on Wall St. once when I pointed out that a particular server, which was required by law to never be allowed to fail, had no source of redundancy at all.  I didn’t realize it had no redundancy but by asking if I could see the redundancy built into the architecture, I created quite a fuss.  The response was almost like “ Alert. Alert. The new guy has dared to ask the forbidden question.  Which is easier – fixing the server or killing the new guy”.  It was close but I won the coin toss. :-)

My persistent asking of questions has produced a Life that I am filled with gratitude for.  In fact, the blessings that have filled my Life often cause me to ask questions about that also!  Ahhhh, the mind of the restless querent. :-)

It has also produced its share of complexities.

For example, I have discovered that ….

1. Musing about emergency preparedness and the importance of it gets you on the Department of Homeland Security’s official reading list (hi guys) merely for discussing it.  I wonder if that means that all Mormons are on their list also.

2. Musing about why a politician would take the action they took gets you investigated by the Department of Justice (anti-terrorism group), who later give you an all clear when they discover that no lines were crossed (I could have told you that in advance, guys). :-)

3. Musing about projects that my former father-in-law (a USAF colonel, now deceased) worked on also attracts some interesting “fans”.  Some are nutbars – some are seriously powerful people who don’t like such musings.  When powerful people reach out, it is not very pleasant.

4. Some business people who become nervous when too many questions are asked make it their singular focus to resist the people who are asking the questions.  Sometimes their business goes out of business as a result because they either wouldn’t answer the question or they turned their focus entirely on burying the question instead of answering it.

5. Related to the previous point, some people would rather see their projects fail than answer difficult questions or allow them to be asked.

6. Witness protection is not as exciting as it appears to be in the movies, for you or your family.

7. Once you pass 100 death threats, you learn to tell the difference between the credible ones (requiring law enforcement action) and the drive-by nutbars.

8. When you point out gaps in security (national security, airline or otherwise), a thank you or a correction of the gap is more appropriate than resisting or burying it.  Problems that are not solved outright always manifest later – usually larger, more impactful and more significant than when they were pointed out.  I-told-you-so’s when people’s lives are at stake bring no satisfaction.

9. Politicians who serve the people and not their own needs are becoming increasingly rare.

10. To not ask questions where people are always fearful that the unspeakable question will eventually derail them makes some people very paranoid.  It’s like the time I was working in a highly politicized environment and had a grievance filed against me for being too respectful.  Why such a grievance?  Because, as I was informed, when one is respectful in a difficult environment, it must mean that you are up to something and so you should stop being respectful immediately so as to allay further suspicion.  I mused about the event here.

11. According to one priest, God hates me.  Apparently the priest has a red phone to the Upper Chamber and issued this edict when I asked a couple of questions about God.  That was when I discovered that asking questions in certain faiths is not permitted …. ever.

12. Hiding behind reasons like “need to know basis”, “national security”, “I don’t need to answer because I am the expert here” or “just because” cause many more questions to be asked.

13. There are many people who, not having the courage to ask their own questions, prefer to prod others to ask questions on their behalf (it’s safer and lower risk for them), ride on the coattails of those with more courage or think that people who ask such questions lead exciting lives and should therefore be glommed onto to bring excitement into their own Life.  They are unnecessary weight that will only slow you down, distract you or get you into trouble.  PS – some are genuinely crazy.

There are many others I have learned but that’s the fun list.

Despite my passion, I play by the rules

The amusing thing is that while I ask questions for a living as a strategy guy, my musings here aren’t  meant to embarrass, reveal security gaps, highlight potentially illegal acts or anything else. 

My questions are always respectful of boundaries and I do my best to be respectful of the feelings of others.  That being said, some people will go out of their way to be offended or intimidated.  Others have massive egos or other issues that call them to defend against anyone who might be perceived as a threat.  I can’t help those people and make no apologies for the impact my questions have on them.

I tend to be pro business (I am a Wall St’er after all), pro government, pro military, pro democracy and the like.  I don’t subscribe to conspiracy theories, I have a strong sense of “live and let live” and I don’t make other people’s problems my own just for the fun of it.  I also don’t support or endorse people who think they are above the law nor do I believe that breaking the law to protest it is a viable option.

I believe highly in honoring confidentiality and respecting the principle of trust.  I don’t share things confided in me or protected by legal covenants – EVER.

I believe that things like national security, emergency preparedness and lifting / helping others are things that we all play a role in – not just the government.

I do not believe in violence but I don’t think that constantly turning the other cheek solves anything either because people take advantage of timidity and weakness.

However …..

I also believe that it is important to think and not allow others to think for you or to form your opinions for you in absence of facts and data.

Sometimes a question is asked innocently, with no knowledge that others fear the question and will despise the querent as a result.

Sometimes one is intrigued by a subject and merely wants to learn more.

And sometimes one sees the emperor walking down the street with no clothing on and while everyone else marvels at his “beautiful clothing”, one feels compelled to cry out and point out that he is naked.

And as a result, some people will cry foul or claim to be a victim merely because the question has exposed something that they would prefer to remain buried.

The ones who cry out the loudest are the ones who need to be examined much more closely.  I refer to this as the Vatican Effect (aka the Streisand Effect):

The more noise someone makes trying to hide or refute something, the more Life they give it, requiring a closer investigation as a result.

Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code” would probably have  died in obscurity had the Vatican not set up a committee to investigate and stymie the popularity of the book.  Of course many people wanted to see why the Vatican would do such a thing and the rest is history regarding Dan Brown’s success.

It is not our right nor do we have the time to question everything

Many things are none of our business or are not on our Path of Purpose and so to question everything becomes a waste of time (both our time and the time of others) or an abuse of privilege.

But when we as individuals, groups or nations stop asking questions completely, we stop learning.

When you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, always new questions, then it is time to die. - Lillian Smith

My questions often come in the form of cranial defibrillators.  But those are the best kind of all as Martin Luther King Jr. pointed out when he said:

Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.

And so to the many on the receiving end of my questions, I am sorry to say I’m not dead yet. :-)

And yes, I am a rebel.

But in George Lucas’ world, the rebels are the good guys. :-)

What do you think of that?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Asking Questions That Get Answered

Many people approach me seeking guidance as to why their questions never get answered to their satisfaction (if answered at all).

As a strategy guy, I’m not a fan of asking questions merely for the sake of asking them nor am I a fan of randomly asking more questions when I don’t find the answers I seek.

I ask questions because I seek knowledge, context or something else that matters to me.

And because it matters, I am cognizant of the importance of the following attributes that a question must honor.

1. Is the right question being asked?
2. Is it being asked in the right way?
3. Is it being directed towards the right person(s)?
4. Is it being asked by the right person(s)?
5. Is it being asked at the right time?
6. Is it being asked with the right intention?
7. Is there a preconceived answer before the question is even asked?

To not honor these fundamentals for a successful question (and thus a successful answer) is to not truly care whether the answer is accurate, timely or even delivered at all and thus leaves one’s results (personal and professional) to chance.

I personally don’t want to leave my Life results to chance.

Do you?

I doubt it.

When it comes to asking questions, more is not necessarily better.  Context, content, delivery, timing and appropriate participant identification is everything.

To not care about this produces as much value as the question:

Are we there yet?

Questions like “why?”, “how do we know?” and others are critical to success.  I once mused that the question “why” is The Most Important Question Of All.

But questions only produce value when we know how to ask them.

Otherwise, you will not receive the desired result you seek OR someone else will ask the same question at a different time, of a different individual or in a different way and produce a result that honors them and not you.

The same rules apply when it comes to offering ideas that are accepted by others, as cleverly shown in the following FedEx commercial.

Do you really care about the answers that your questions are producing?

Are you sure?

Because if you really care, then you will pay more attention to how your questions are asked (or your ideas are offered) in the first place.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Is That Your Final Answer?

That’s what I was thinking as an exhibit vendor stood in front of me at the Global Petroleum Show in Calgary, Alberta today.

The GPS is an amazing show for anyone who is anyone in the oil and gas sector.  The organizers of the event have created a world class event that is HIGHLY recommended.

The vendors that I spoke to in a wide gamut of disciplines were engaging, smart and experts in their field.

The wares that they displayed today provide a compelling example of how brilliant the human mind can be when there are complex problems to be solved.

All except for one vendor.

He had just finished telling me how his company could capture my data and store it on their servers until ready to blast it over to mine.  Yes – “blast it over” is a technology term … somewhere. :-)

Intrigued that he would be storing my client’s data on his company’s infrastructure and recognizing that my clients in the Fortune 25 space are HEAVILY regulated when it comes to data security, I asked him about his strategy to ensure the security of the data given my client’s regulatory requirements.

His response was a single word, “encryption”, to which I responded “Encryption is not an answer to a question about your strategy for data security, integrity and privacy but since you mentioned encryption, what type do you use?”

He replied “What difference does it make?”.

I indicated that his answers make all the difference in the world in regards to proving that his solution meets my client’s needs to which he responded “Who do you work for anyway?”

He just lost a deal.  He might have had the best product in its space (I doubt it) but as CEO of his organization, he would have to work extra hard to prove that to me by that time.

We Are Not Always Speaking To Whom We Think We Are

When we provide answers to questions, we are not only providing answers to the person we are speaking to directly but to every person that that person comes in contact with personally and professionally.

It reminds me of the Monk and Nagle song “The Twenty-First Time” when, as the singer turns his back on a woman collecting welfare, he wonders if he is turning his back on Jesus disguised as the woman.

 

Monk and Nagle–The Twenty-First Time

 

And so it is with this vendor’s flippant response.  He didn’t just respond to me – he responded to everyone in my network without caring to know who they are.

Unfortunately, unlike this blog, he won’t be anonymous in my interactions with my network.

I won’t be fighting to defend his answer or to give him a second chance either.  Why should I?  He burned all his lifelines with simple, indifferent and potentially ignorant comments.

Conventions Are Tough

Having been on the selling side of the convention circuit many times, I know how easy it is to get tired and frazzled when peppered with questions.

But we always have to keep our game face on – personally and professionally.

Especially when it is difficult to do so.

If we don’t, we may never know what we are throwing away or what might have been.

And so, when faced with a question that may be disarmingly simple, we should think before we respond.

Otherwise our final answer may actually be an answer that results in finality.

As for this vendor, I’m not too concerned.

There are plenty of highly-competent, super-intelligent, savvy vendors at the Global Petroleum Show who are happy to pick up the business that he throws away as he proves that Darwin’s insight on the survival of the fittest proves true in business.

In service and servanthood,

Harry