Keep the Noise Down, I’m Thinking

Silence is a source of great strength. - Lao Tzu

Silence is a true friend who never betrays. – Confucius

Some years ago at a leadership development seminar I attended, the attendees were paired up to perform an intriguing exercise.

In the exercise, one of the pair describes a real problem that they have.  The other half of the duo listens.  They are not allowed to comment on what they hear.  They are not allowed to ask questions nor are they allowed to attempt to solve the problem being described.  They are also not permitted to gesture or react in any way to what they hear.

They are told to listen and to potentially learn what Marcus Tullius Cicero meant when he wrote:

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

The participants in the exercise learn quickly that it is practically impossible for us to keep quiet when someone else is talking.

Yes, it is true that most of us were raised to help others when we can.  However, I found it to be an interesting demonstration of how our ego needs to solve everything that it perceives around us even if it doesn’t really know the answer or hasn’t even been asked to solve the problem.  When someone has a problem, we automatically have a solution and are very quick to vocalize it.  After all, as many of us know, it is much easier (and fun) to solve someone else’s problems rather than our own.

With the introduction of social media, this need for all of us to solve everyone’s problems or to express an opinion about them has become much more apparent and much more irresistible … and sometimes much less respectful.

As someone in the public eye, as a strategy guy, as someone who vigorously challenges those who usurp the rights of others through ignorance, greed or incompetence (especially under the guise of leadership or expertise) and as someone who embraces the ideals as expressed in Proverbs 31:8 where it is noted

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; defend the rights of all those who have nothing.”

I also find the need to respond to events to be irresistible. After all, it is what passionate “fixers” do automatically. :-)

However, those of us who respond to many things sometimes find that we are dragged into responding to anything whether or not it is in alignment with the reason we walk this Earth.

As a result, it seems that we are constantly proving William S. Burroughs right when he notes:

Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing.

What matters

The ability to unplug matters.

The ability to be silent matters.

The ability to silently observe, absorb, discard, contemplate, reflect and cleanse matters.

As a tested and confirmed near-hyperthymesiac (a person with a superior autobiographical memory), I find that the cleansing that comes from quiet observation and reflection to be a valuable exercise to flush the brain of unnecessary “stuff”.

It is a practice that I practice on a regular basis and one that I strongly recommend for anyone whose vocation, passion or hobby calls for them to be constantly “talking” in any form.

Sometimes when we are doing all the talking, we forget how to listen.

And so begins my semi-regular retreat from social media and making public comments using it.  I take as long as I need.  Sometimes it’s a weekend.  A few years ago, I disappeared from the public eye (not counting clients, family and close friends) for 8 weeks and had to resurface to explain to people that I hadn’t died when rumors started to circulate. :-)

All that being said ……

The politicians as well the incompetent, the greedy and the selfish who espouse their brilliance under the guise of “leadership” get a small reprieve.

But don’t worry.

I’m still watching. :-)

And I will be back soon.

In the meantime, when I say “Keep the noise down, I’m thinking”, I’m not talking to you.

I’m talking to myself. :-)

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Selfishness–A “Necessary Evil”

Selfishness is defined in one dictionary as “a stinginess resulting from a concern for your own welfare and a disregard for others”.

It sounds like a pretty negative judgment of someone, doesn’t it?  If someone were to refer to us as selfish, most of us would feel compelled to defend ourselves against what we perceive as an attack on our character.

It is for this reason that we can easily see why many people rarely take time for themselves.  Most of us have been taught from an early age that to do this is to be wrong or greedy, bringing negative connotations to mind that we would rather not be associated with.

But sometimes we have to be selfish.  For example, we are told by airlines that if the oxygen masks drop and someone beside us needs assistance putting one on, we should put ours on first and then help the other one.

In such a situation, a momentary act of perceived selfishness saves both our Life and the Life of the person sitting next to us.  If, on the other hand, we decide to do the perceived unselfish act of helping the other person first and we pass out while in the act, there’s a strong possibility that putting the other person’s needs first may cause the death of both people.

This is not to suggest that we have a license to be selfish most of the time.  However, a balanced individual understands when a little personal selfishness helps more people in the long run.

Calendar Management – Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Recently, I violated one of my own rules of calendar management – to “own my calendar, otherwise it owns me”.  I not only had a full plate, in fact I needed multiple plates to manage the obligations I had created personally and professionally. 

I not only “didn’t put my own oxygen mask on first”, I was walking the length of the plane to make sure that everyone else on the plane had put theirs on correctly first.

This serves no one well in the long run, including myself.

One of the things I have noticed in recent weeks is that my wish to keep as many people as happy as possible filled my plate to overflowing with not all of it being “productive” or “useful”.  Yes, it is very humbling to be in such demand and it is a noble gesture to try to live up to the expectations of so many.  However, while I constantly encourage others to never allow this to happen to them, my own “plate-loading” was so gradual that I didn’t notice what I was doing.

Dealing With Full-Plate-Syndrome

Once one finds one’s self in such a situation, only one of two options are available:

1. Take control of the situation

2. Melt

Option 2 for many people is the easiest.  In fact, no action is required on the part of the person whose plate is full.  Just keep doing what one is doing and eventually the mind and/or body will collapse.  Seems pretty simple, doesn’t it?  The impact and pain resulting from such a decision is not felt until later and so it seems to be an easier option at the moment.

To take control of the situation, on the other hand, brings immediate pain and tension and therefore is often avoided.  The person who is overloaded must do things that the rest of the world may not want to hear or accept.

For example, I shut down my Facebook account in the first week of February and I’m not certain when I will return until I decide how I figure out how to use it more effectively.  In addition to a very busy Facebook wall, Facebook generates 7,000 emails per month to me, with people asking my opinion on a variety of things.

That doesn’t sound so bad, one might say – it’s great for the ego and you don’t have to read them if there are too many.  Well, if one doesn’t read them, that generates follow-ups (“in case you didn’t see the previous message”, “why wouldn’t you answer this message if you answered so-and-so”, etc.) that generate so much noise at some point that the load becomes unresolvable and removes my sense of perceived value from the various exchanges.

In fact, I took a month off from my social media persona completely.  I was serving the needs of so many people that I had neglected the needs of a very important person in my Life.

Me.

When we neglect the importance of taking care of our own needs in addition to the needs of others, our ability to help others is of reduced duration and diminished impact.  We can only carry so many people so far before we need to set them down in order to rest and recharge.

And besides, few of us are THAT important that the world can’t live without us for a little while.

Courage and Humility

When we use our strengths and talents, we have an opportunity to have a huge, positive impact on the world.

If we get overloaded trying to do too much for too many, we discover that the world will get along just fine without us.

It takes a mix of courage and humility to recognize this.

It takes courage to be able to put up one’s hand and call for silence so that one can take the time to clear one’s plate.  Sometimes this also means saying “no” to people, perhaps more often than we are accustomed to.

It takes humility to recognize that none of us are so important that we can’t take a little time off to restructure our own plate, to re-enable and strengthen our execution and our results.

Can You Do It?

When you feel that your plate is too full, do you have the courage to ask the world for a “30-second timeout” or do you just push through it, not wanting to disappoint others or allow the world to discover that it can exist without you for a little while.

If you feel the need to take some “selfish time”, I encourage you to go for it.  The strength you regain and the results you produce will more than compensate for the time you took off.

If you don’t have the courage or the will to do so, don’t worry.  You will eventually have an opportunity to clear your plate anyway.  However, it probably won’t be under your own terms and will probably be a lot more painful for you and others.

It’s ok to be selfish once in a while.

The world will be better for it.

And so will you.

In service and servanthood, with a hint of occasional selfishness. :-)

Harry

The same entry exists on my Musings-in-a-Minute blog and can be found here.

Silence is Golden

I’m on vacation.

It’s nothing elaborate.

I haven’t gone off to some ritzy vacation resort where all the family members are overwhelmed with stuff to do.

I haven’t gone to a remote place that requires a PhD to plan how to get a family there and back again without losing someone along the way.

The thought of such a vacation exhausts me just thinking about it.  I thought vacations were created to help us rest, not run us down further.

What I have done is unplugged from my day-to-day regimen and taken some time to recharge in the middle of a cross-country move.

No client emails or voicemails …. no meetings.

Almost (yes, almost) no social media interaction.  Yep .. almost no Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or any of the other services I am a member of.  Surprisingly and contrary to popular opinion, you can cut back significantly and still do quite well mentally.

Very few people know where we are.

It’s just me, my family (all but my oldest son), some good books that I’ve been meaning to finish for a year or more and practically no agenda.

Yes … I do have a cross-country move to finish and I will return to it.

However, right now as ocean breezes blow in through the window of the place we are in and the moon casts its glow across the gentle ocean ripples, I am reminded of something we all lose sight of on occasion.

Silence is golden … truly golden.

The silence was deafening at first.  My greatest worry was “How would I survive without all the activity in my life, most of which was taking place in my mind?”

However, as the calmness pervaded my sense of being, I realized that much of the activity in my life is not actually bringing the value that I would expect it to bring to myself, my family, my clients or anyone else.

It is just noise.

Vilfredo Pareto had it right with his Pareto Principle – 80% of the activity in my life is contributing to 20% of the value.  Conversely, the remaining 20% of the activity is producing 80% of the value.

How did I allow the 80% of activity to become what it is?

Well, I believe that we get so overwhelmed with information overload that we don’t even notice after a while.  It’s the boiling frog analogy all over again – the frog sitting in the pot of cold water on the stove doesn’t notice the gradual increase in the water temperature until it boils to death.

Whether apocryphal or not, the analogy is perfect.

Until we actually take time to silence all the activity around us, especially inside our mind, then we lose sight of the ability to truly understand the difference between activity and productivity; between action and traction.

It is easy for each of us to proclaim how productive we are all the time.  However, as with many afflictions, personal productivity is practically impossible to self-assess.  Only by asking others (e.g. family, friends, clients) or by using specific, measurable criteria can we determine how well we are doing in life.

Until we do that, we may be surprised to know the truth.

We may be angry at the feedback we receive.

We may be embarrassed or disappointed.

In addition, we may be afraid to slow down because we all want to believe the world will shrivel up and die without us.

Nothing could be further from the truth.  Only our ego could dream up such a thing.

So given that the world will merrily continue to function quite well without us, what would it hurt us to occasionally put our hand up and say “Stop – I need a minute to think”.

I just did …. and I must tell you that the result was delicious, invigorating and revitalizing.  It is providing me with greater insight and clarity into upcoming projects.

We are happy to spend thousands on the latest gimmick du jour to help us improve our productivity.

Sometimes the greatest thing we can do is nothing at all … just for a little while.

Are you ready to give it a try?

In service and servanthood.

Harry

For my Musings-in-a-Minute version of “Silence is Golden”, please click here.