That Which You Accept ….

The standard you walk past, is the standard you accept. - Lieutenant General David Morrison

One who condones evils is just as guilty as the one who perpetrates it. - Martin Luther King

I like hats – fedoras, newsboy hats, my Tilley that has over a million airmiles on it and yes, even bowler hats.

I was recently in my remote office (translation: Starbucks) politely waiting for my coffee when I noticed two men in their late twenties smirking at me and my bowler hat.  My ego is not easily bruised or cowed by people and so I ignored them.

I was content to accept my coffee and walk out the door when I heard one say to the other, “He’s probably some kind of f*ing faggot.”

The comments between them escalated in insult-intensity as I waited for my coffee until it reached a level that I was sure would draw a response from baristas or other customers.  I knew that the likely source of anger from the pair of miscreants was a personal sense of inadequacy and they were hoping that I would either cower from their wilting words or rise up in anger against them.  It was two against one after all.

I watched with interest as the baristas and customers observed this interaction and I was curious what they might do.

They never made a sound.

I’m a believer in live and let live, judge not lest ye be judged, being “the big man” and walking away from the ignorant and all of that stuff.

However, I’m also a believer in the reality that that which we accept, we condone and that which we condone, we ultimately support and allow to be propagated.

What stood before me were two ignorant men insulting a customer, using derogatory language that is simply not acceptable in today’s world.  If they would insult me (standing at an athletic 6’3) what would they say to someone much smaller?

And so when my coffee arrived, I walked over to the two men and they faced me in the “what are you going to do about it?” defiant stance.

I looked the two of them up and down, each weighing at least 300 pounds, their pants not pulled up completely, their shirt tails hanging out but not completely covering their guts, their faces unshaven and their baseball hats on sideways.

I smiled at them and said quietly, “I’ll be damned if I will take fashion advice or criticism from two ignorant men who don’t have the wherewithal to dress properly. Understand?”

Both men looked down at the floor and said nothing.

“The next time you want to look at someone to judge them or to suggest ways for them to improve to meet your so-called standard”, I continued, “Start with the man you see in the mirror.  When that man is everything that that man can be, then perhaps you will be in a position to judge others but not before.”

As I turned to leave, both of them continued to stare at their boots, saying nothing.

“Create a great day”, I said as I walked out of the coffee shop.

The Bottom Line

We often look the other way when someone says or does something we don’t agree with.

“It’s not our business”, we think or  “It’s not right to judge others”, “I was the bigger man and walked away”, they’re just having a bad day”, “they have an illness and it’s not their fault.”, etc.

Well, these things apply on occasion.

However, we must be careful lest such thinking becomes a source of leverage for some people to use as a licence to abuse and hurt others.

Sometimes we are meant to be the person who stands in front of someone else and corrects their behavior.

It’s not a question of judging them, playing the role of “holier than thou” or splitting hairs over a point of political correctness.

Sometimes we just know what is wrong and we need to stand up to it and correct it.

My comments may or may not have corrected their behavior.

However, the more people who allow them to do what they do by saying and doing nothing, the more likely ignorant people such as these guys will feel empowered to continue to do what they do.

Such behavior only stops when we stand up to challenge it and correct it.

What do you stand for?

Is what you stand for reflected in your thoughts, your words and your actions?

The reality is that the world only gets better when your actions speak so loudly that we can’t hear what you’re saying.

So what DO you stand for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS Just as I mused in Being Drawn Into Anger? Understand the Downside First, it is important to be cognizant of one's actions before blindly churning out insults.  I might have been one taunt away from hurting myself if such abuse were common in my Life or I might have taken my 6'3 self (complete with martial arts training and / or a weapon) and waited outside for them, to respond to ignorance with an equally ignorant act that would have hurt someone.  We have better control of our mouth and our actions than we claim to have.  It's time we acknowledge and demonstrate such control before we hurt someone else or allow someone else to be hurt.

Team Buy Team Fail–Promoting Anti-Collaboration

I was startled to read in David Freedman’s excellent book Wrong – Why Experts Keep Failing Us that of the top ten airline crashes in the world (killing a total of 2,400 people), six of the ten occurred when one or more of the crew members realized that they were doing something wrong but were afraid to speak up.

Then I got to thinking about an early “collaboration” process adopted by a consulting organization in the early 90’s that we learned to nickname “Team Buy Team Fail”.

In this process, the notion of countering someone’s assertions was deemed to be too negative and could potentially prevent a great idea from blossoming.  For this reason, ideas that were put forward could not be refuted with a “but” but could only be built upon and added to by using “and”.

The idea was brilliant.

Unfortunately, the process assumed that the initial idea put forward was right or appropriate in the first place, otherwise the subsequent builds on the wrong idea took it further in the wrong direction.

It’s like saying “When a snowstorm is present, I like to drive over the speed limit”, someone else adds “and on bald tires”, a third person adds “and while texting friends” and a final contributor adds “and while blindfolded”.

Everyone likes to feel that they contributed to the solution.  Unfortunately, being afraid to call it like it is, to loudly proclaim that “the emperor is naked (or an idiot)”, can prove to be fatal.  Also unfortunately, it seems that the person with the initially bad idea is often less likely to be punished than the people who went along with it.

Collaboration - the solution to everything – maybe

We teach people, young and experienced alike, that one should always seek consensus or collaboration-focused approaches when solving difficulties on a personal, professional or global level.

And it’s true that many times, such a belief will produce a better result than had we chosen to go it alone or against the tide for the heck of it.

However, the same belief can run aground when one of the people present on the team / project is extremely persuasive (or manipulative), intimidating …. and wrong.

That’s why, as a long time strategy guy, I love the use of data and the ability to answer the questions “why” and “how do we know”.   It’s an objective, confrontation-less process (unless people don’t like data or being challenged, in which case it may become very confrontation-filled).  I also prefer to not assume someone is right just because they “sound right” or the majority follows them blindly (ala Jim Jones syndrome).

Unfortunately, there are many people who fear data and difficult questions but find convenience in excuses when their intentions collide with predictable reality.

Saying the right thing (respectfully but forcefully), especially when not welcome, takes courage, audacity and an inner strength that we may be surprised we had.

However, the world won’t become a better place merely because we agree with people who are persuasive, intimidating or believe they have been nominated to represent the opinion of the majority.

I’m not saying that we should needlessly take up a counter position on everything just for the sake of argument as John Cleese does so well in Monty Python’s “Argument Clinic”.

 

 

However, as history teaches us, being in the majority is not always the same as being in the right.

Do you stand up for what is right?

If you don’t, then why not?

What do you think the impact of what you stand for (or not) will be now and in the future?

What do you think the impact of not knowing the answer to the previous question will be?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

A long distance dedication to A. – you know who you are.

If you need encouragement to stand up for what’s right or you don’t believe you are as good as the alleged, often-quoted gurus and experts, I highly recommend David Freedman’s excellent book Wrong – Why Experts Keep Failing Us.  It is an eye opener to say the least.

This description from the publisher:

Our investments are devastated, obesity is epidemic, test scores are in decline, blue-chip companies circle the drain, and popular medications turn out to be ineffective and even dangerous. What happened? Didn't we listen to the scientists, economists and other experts who promised us that if we followed their advice all would be well?

Actually, those experts are a big reason we're in this mess. And, according to acclaimed business and science writer David H. Freedman, such expert counsel usually turns out to be wrong--often wildly so. Wrong reveals the dangerously distorted ways experts come up with their advice, and why the most heavily flawed conclusions end up getting the most attention-all the more so in the online era. But there's hope: Wrong spells out the means by which every individual and organization can do a better job of unearthing the crucial bits of right within a vast avalanche of misleading pronouncements.

Pit Bulls–The 4-Legged and 2-Legged Variety

I was in Lethbridge, Alberta recently, enjoying a walk around Henderson Lake on a beautiful sunny day when suddenly I heard yelling and screaming behind me.

Squinting in the sunlight, I observed what appeared to be people rolling around on the ground and the air was filled with cursing, screaming and the growling and yelping of dogs.

Making my way towards the scene, I realized what had happened.  A large pit bull, one of a pair, had slipped its collar and had savaged a much smaller dog (still on its leash).  The smaller dog was being cradled by its owner as it bled from its neck and chest  while the owner of the pit bulls was cowering on the ground trying to hold his dogs back.

The owner of the injured dog indicated that she didn’t have immediate access to transportation and needed to find a way to an animal hospital.  With no one around offering help, I took her, her daughter and her dog Mickey to the animal hospital.

We were so concerned about the welfare of the injured animal that no one got the name of the pit bull owner, who didn’t offer any help and left the scene, his sloppy control of these dangerous animals being a ticking time bomb to savage another animal ….

…. or maybe a child.

After I had made sure that everything was ok at the animal hospital, I was thinking about pit bulls and realized that we’ve all encountered pit bulls in one form or another. 

Occasionally, they are the 4-legged variety as in this case.  However, oftentimes they are the 2-legged variety, those who seek to savage or intimidate others personally or professionally.

Personally I have a zero-tolerance level for such people and take action immediately when confronted with such situations.  The funny thing with these “pit bulls” is that oftentimes the greater the intimidator they are, the more affronted they are when someone stands up to them, providing even more disincentive to fight them off.

But fight them off we must.

That being said, not everyone has the strength, ability or capability to fight off the “pit bulls of Life”.

In those situations, people need the help of others, people like you and I, to help them fight off those who savage them.

Savaging others is what “pit bulls” do naturally and instinctively – like the pit bulls at Henderson Lake.

So the next time you sense that someone is inappropriately savaging the Life of another, think about how you would react if that were happening to someone important to you and then find a way to do something about it.

You will not only find a way to help someone now but you may save countless people down the road.  In some extreme situations, you may actually save a Life.

Charles Dickens, whose 200th birthday anniversary is today, once wrote:

“No one is useless in the world who lightens the burdens of another”.

His wisdom is as appropriate today as it was when he wrote those words.

There are lots of people in the world whose burdens we could lighten with almost no effort on our part.

So what are we waiting for?

Create a great day, for yourself and for others.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS Mickey, after staying in the animal hospital overnight and with a few stitches, will be ok.  The pit bulls and their negligent owner are still at large in the Henderson Lake area of Lethbridge, Alberta.

What Do You Stand For?

Deep within our heart and soul, many of us have something that we believe in or dream about when it comes to our potential and Life purpose.  We tell compelling, riveting stories to our friends over a coffee about how “someday I’m going to ……..”.

I’ll bet you have one of these compelling stories.

Are you living your story?

How does your dream stand up to the following questions?

1. What are you willing to do to prove your dream is possible and even necessary for you to accomplish?
2. What would you do if you discovered that the world is actually waiting for you to embrace your story and bring it to Life?
3. Do you have the courage to share your story with others in a forum other than in whispered conversations amongst a small group of friends?
4. Are you willing to expose your dream to public scrutiny, knowing that it can stand on its own merits and perhaps be stronger as a result of public scrutiny?
5. Are you willing to collaborate with others to bring your story and theirs to fruition?
6. Is your dream in alignment with your values and beliefs?
7. Will accomplishing your dream make you proud of the legacy you are leaving to others?
8. Do you realize that living your dream will inspire others?
9. How will you be remembered if you had the courage to live your dream?

It’s Tougher Than It Looks

I find that many people who have a compelling story cannot answer most of these questions with a positive answer. 

By dreaming one story but living a different one, they are not being authentic to themselves or to others

It’s like the paradox of living in today’s world, where people are encouraged to take the short, quick-hit, impatient view of getting anything they want right away (and going into debt to do it) while being encouraged to take a long term, patient view of investing for their retirement.  We put opposing principles inside someone’s head and then we act surprised when they can’t do both.

The challenge is that the longer people choose to be inauthentic to themselves and others, the lesser the chance that their story will ever see the light of day.

…. the lesser the chance that they will be able to live their Life in congruence with their perceived purpose or to even know what their purpose is.

…. the lesser the chance that their story will have an opportunity to impact the world or to inspire others.

It’s not easy, is it?

Oftentimes, being authentic is difficult or seemingly impossible to achieve consistently.

Many times we can justify why it is safer or easier to not be authentic.

The Danger of Inauthenticity

The problem is that every time we are not authentic with ourselves or others, we weaken our belief in our dreams and therefore weaken our potential.  Eventually we may believe we have no potential or purpose at all.

Try this: Ask someone WHY they think they exist on this planet or what their purpose is.  Most people cannot answer this question at all.  Can you? 

At some point, we invent another persona that has unlimited potential.  After all, we reason, “who I am is of no interest or value to others, so let me see what the populace-at-large likes and I will promote and become that person”.

I know several well known self-empowerment experts who promote to their customers that if you think, say and do as they do, you will live an empowered life like they do.

The unfortunate secret is that these “experts” are financially, emotionally, relationally and spiritually broke.

I think promoting a façade of success when you don’t have it is to promote a lie and I tell them this (which makes them angry).  When you take someone’s money to teach them these “secrets of success”, you are stealing from them because you can’t actually prove the system works.

When I explain to these “experts” that they should be honest and transparent with their customers, they tell me they cannot do that.  They even write inspiring stories about being honest and transparent and live the opposite way – the ultimate level of inauthenticity.

And success eludes them while they tell others that success overwhelms them.

Perhaps if they had the courage to be themselves and not work so hard to be someone else, then success might follow.

They fear that to reveal their true selves would be an embarrassment.

I think that having the courage to be authentic would inspire others. 

New Year’s Resolutions

This is the season for New Year’s Resolutions.

This is the time of year when most people resolve to accomplish the same list of things they resolved to accomplish last year, the year before, etc.

The primary reason most of these resolutions fall flat is that they are not hooked into what inspires the person making them and for this reason, they lose their sizzle and the person eventually falls back into the same old routine.

Perhaps if we realized that our story, as big or small as we think it is, could serve as an inspiration to others, we might be more inclined to resolve to do whatever it takes to make our story a reality.

Perhaps if we decided to embrace ourselves and our story instead of being someone else with a story designed to make other people happy or to impress them, then we would have some real things to work towards.

Maybe then we would discover our true purpose – the answer to the questions “Why am I here?” and “Why do I matter?”.

Maybe then we would have real, inspiring things to work towards that matter to ourselves at the deepest level of who we are.  Maybe then we could make tangible resolutions that would help us move towards our true self; a self that inspires others and that leaves a positive impact on others.

Now there’s a resolution worth keeping.

I know you would keep such resolutions.

So what are you waiting for?

Resolve to be true to yourself – it is the greatest gift to yourself and to others.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

For my Musings-in-a-Minute version of “What Do You Stand For?”, please click here.