Why I’ll Never Accept Your Apology

Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past. - Tryon Edwards

The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. - Red Auerbach

Mainstream and social media (is there even a difference anymore?), ever-hungry for blood, battery, humiliation and sensationalism, continue to carry news about Kathy Griffin’s act of stupidity in posing with a replica of the severed head of the POTUS.

Much has been made of her apology-turned-attack, where she has tried to turn an ignorant act into an act of self-defense, claiming she is the victim from the backlash when the original act itself has no excuse.  Unfortunately, failure to recognize cause-and-effect has doomed many a career.

Many people have asked my opinion on the matter because of what they believe to be my curious stand on apologies.

I never accept apologies.

Over-sensitive people are often quick to criticize me for this but here is how I look at apologies.

Rule 1 – The Good Person

If you are a good person and you have done wrong by me with an honest mistake, then you have demonstrated your imperfection as a human being.  As an imperfect human being myself, I also make mistakes so who am I to judge you for making one with me.  For this reason, apologies are not necessary in such situations.  Many relationships have been saved because of this approach.

Rule 2 – The Bad Person

If you are a bad person who got caught committing a heinous act and you are apologizing merely because you got caught, then likely the apology carries little if any weight (and likely doesn’t prevent similar incidents from happening again).  If the apology carries little if any weight, then it is also unnecessary since it’s either a time-waster, an insult or a set-up to commit similar acts in the future.  Much abuse has been avoided because of this approach.

Rule 3 – The Rare “Come-To-Jesus” Person

Very rarely, the bad person committing a heinous act has an epiphany, realizes where they have gone wrong and makes an authentic commitment to doing better.  While people claim we should always accept any apology from anyone for any level of miscreant behavior on the off-chance that they will turn the corner, those same people haven’t studied history or human behavior to see the likelihood of such things occurring. While there are some success stories, a lot of people get used and abused repeatedly for this belief.

Rule 4 – Past Behavior Demonstrates Apology Authenticity

If you really want to know how authentic someone’s apology is, examine how they have been living their Life up to the moment the act requiring apology occurred.  Past performance often predicts future behavior and provides deep insight into the reason and motivation for an apology.  It will help you identify a good person, a person having an epiphany or someone who interprets you as an idiot to be played.

Too Harsh?

Many people who do not know me think that this is too cut-and-dried, too objective, too cold and the like.  Later, I have to listen to them complain how someone keeps hurting them over and over.

The reality is that I don’t judge people because I accept that good people make honest mistakes and that bad people who make poor choices will eventually have to account to “Someone” for their deeds.  I don’t have the time, the interest, the moral authority or the level of perfection required to judge them and so if I don’t judge them, there is nothing that requires an apology from them either.

The Bottom Line – Our Actions Reveal Our Authenticity

While intentions are wonderful and words are easily produced for any situation, the reality is that our actions reveal the dialogue taking place in our brain and often speak so loudly that others can’t hear what we are saying.

When I see someone like Griffin with her latest stunt, or her previous stunt where she pretended to give Anderson Cooper oral sex on live TV during the 2013 New Year’s Eve Countdown, or when someone makes a derogatory comment about women, people of faith, gender choice, people of other nationalities, etc. and then quickly apologizes, they are usually thinking about their career and the ramifications of being caught.  Rarely do they believe that the act itself was wrong.  For them, the only thing that was wrong was being exposed.

There is a deeper issue when people commit heinous acts that require an apology. The fact is that they wouldn’t have committed the act if it weren’t already a seed in their mind.

Do you know why I could never insult an LGBTQ person, a person from another nationality, a person of a different faith, an indigenous person, a woman, a minority or pose in a photo pretending to hold the severed head of the POTUS?

It’s because such things don’t exist in my mind and if they are not in my mind, you won’t see them in my words or my actions either.  If heinous thoughts are not in one’s mind, then one is less likely to experience the overused “lapse of judgment”, which in reality is less a lapse and more an x-ray into someone’s mind.

For those who keep surprising, disappointing and offending us and then promptly asking for (or demanding) forgiveness, they have revealed what is in their mind and having done so, it is up to us to decide how to interact with them and respond to them. In those situations, only we are to blame if we continue to be surprised, disappointed or angered by their actions.

As for the good people in our lives, they have made a mistake.

Perhaps it is one of many.

But are we so perfect that we haven’t any mistakes either?

Our actions, past and future, matter much more than trite, perfunctory apologies or fake ones meant to relieve us of the responsibility of acting like a proper human being.

Remember that the next time someone begs for forgiveness from you.

Or you beg for it from someone else.

In service and servanthood, create a great day for yourself and others because merely having one is too passive an experience.

Harry

Addendum - Who is the Injured Party?

Within minutes of this post coming out, someone wrote me and condemned me, saying that by refusing an apology, I was denying someone the right to feel better about a situation.  When I replied that I thought the purpose of the apology was more to heal the injured and not just to remove the guilt, they never replied.  I guess they wanted an apology from me and were disappointed to not receive one.

Related Posts:

• Mike Allen, Politicians and Apologies
• If Only You Weren’t So Stupid, You’d Understand

When Social Media Reveals Our Character … Or Our Hypocrisy

Hypocrisy is not a way of getting back to the moral high ground. Pretending you're moral, saying your moral is not the same as acting morally. - Alan Dershowitz

The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocrisy. - William Hazlitt

Back in December of 2013, a then member of the public communication team (which in the modern era means social media team) for then Premier of Alberta Alison Redford had an interesting response to a simple question from a member of the public.

The “public communications expert” tweeted this to the citizen:

"You are a truly disgusting human being #ableg"

As a member of the same political party to which this “expert” belonged, I thought this and other tweets attributed to the team he was a member of were terribly impolite and unprofessional to citizens merely asking for accountability and so I demanded from the Premier that we choose our words more carefully when addressing the public at large.

Curiously enough, I didn’t give this individual much thought after that until last week when I was making some comments (politely as I usually do) in a political forum and the same individual surfaced again with these observations directed at me:

So yes, I can speak about good government. I was given a first hand lesson by voters. One you apparently have opted not to learn. Care to address the issue or do you just want to attack the PC's?

There was the same attitude again, confrontational and insulting, to someone merely asking questions.  When I challenged the author of the statements as to why he continued to be so insulting to people on social media, he wrapped up a reply with these words.

Do you know that after the "terrible human being" tweet I cried for hours in my office and offered my resignation three times for the disgrace I caused? For the cruelty I showed towards Michael. That it was on my suggestion that I should apologize personally because I felt it was the right thing to do?

Followed later by ….

None of this belongs on Facebook Harry, I would welcome the chance to actually sit down and have a friendly conversation with you.

And with those words, I thought “Fair enough – the guy indicated he was remorseful for that foul event in the past and had sought to make amends for his error.”

I accepted his Facebook request with an eye toward fruitful dialog, after which he then chastised me again in private.

So much for remorse.  It reminded me of this Despair.com poster of people who cannot rationally discuss pretty much anything.

Arrogance: The best leaders inspire by example.  When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too.

I don’t dwell on such stuff and so I moved on until it was revealed this week that an executive of the PC Party made an inappropriate jab at the weight of the new Health Minister of Alberta as noted in McIver to investigate after PC executive mocks weight of Alberta Health minister (the executive has since apologized when he noted on Twitter – “I recognize I made a dumb comment. I apologize to Sarah Hoffman and all who read it for my insensitive remark. Once again, I'm sorry”).

Now I could make an observation that good people should never think such things, let alone say them, but given that none of us are perfect, I let the original mistake go since we are supposed to accept apologies and move on.

However, I was surprised by the public reappearance of the afore mentioned former member of the Premier’s communication staff who made this statement on social media in response to the PC executive’s faux pas (click on the image for a larger copy – *warning* harsh language).

While much can be suggested or inferred from such a response including the need for a more positive view of himself, it is also clear that while this individual demands forgiveness for his mistakes, he is quick to judge the mistakes of others.  It is also interesting to note that when paid by the PC Party, he attacked others ruthlessly but once released from the employ of the Party, he now takes offense at others who do the same for the same Party.

Even his Twitter bio reveals some hypocrisy:

He falls into the classic trap of social media – the notion of feeling empowered to say something that:

1. We wouldn’t have the courage to say to someone’s face
2. We wouldn’t want said to us if we made a mistake
3. May not be a reflection of who we really are (good or bad)
4. Oftentimes is made before we have taken a moment to rationally think the statement through instead of letting anger carry the day.

It reminds me of the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant from Matthew 18:21-34:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.  Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.  As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him.  Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’  The servant’s master took pity on him, cancelled the debt and let him go.

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’, he demanded.

His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.”

The Bottom Line

The PC Executive’s disparaging remarks against the Health Minister were not professional, ethical or fair (and not very intelligent, to be honest).

However, when we see something that needs to be fixed, how we call out the person who made the error and how we choose to address the issue reveals much about our character – possibly more than the character that we choose to criticize in others.

Demanding a higher standard is not enough.

We must live it.

Do you live to a higher standard or merely demand it of others?

Are you sure?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum:

I didn’t share his Twitter or Facebook profiles because while I believe he serves as an example of what not to do in social media, I didn’t want to make this post about him personally.

When I pointed out to the individual in question about his inconsistency between how he expects forgiveness for himself but gives none to others, he blocked me on social media.  It is unfortunate when “blocking” is used as a shield to hide one’s ignorance, hypocrisy or lack of authenticity instead of recognizing that they had an opportunity to make things right as they expected it to be made right for them in the past.

It’s also a shame when people don’t realize that “blocking” doesn’t really block anything nor does it prevent their rants from becoming public.

But sometimes when we allow anger to be our guide, lucid, rational, respectful, solution-focused thinking takes a backseat to pretty much anything and oftentimes reveals our true character.

For those who are vehemently defending his current actions, perhaps they should review his past, lest they be corralled into something else moving forward. 

We are, after all,  the company that we keep … or “like” …. or “retweet”.

The Crippling Effect of Second Chances

There's nothing as exciting as a comeback - seeing someone with dreams, watching them fail, and then getting a second chance. - Rachel Griffiths

People do make mistakes and I think they should be punished. But they should be forgiven and given the opportunity for a second chance. We are human beings. - David Millar

As I watch the debate swirl over Urban Outfitter’s decision to sell Kent State shirts covered in simulated blood spatter, I wonder how many people and organizations deliberately rely on “the second chance” as part of an intentional fall-back strategy when an effort to push our boundaries fails or if our first effort at anything is in fact always a “disposable rough draft”.

For those too young to remember, the Kent State shooting on May 4, 1970, involved the shooting of students at Kent State University by the Ohio National Guard.  Amongst the students who were protesting the Cambodian Campaign of the Vietnam War and some innocent bystanders, 4 students were killed and 9 were injured.

Why someone would market a shirt light-heartedly promoting this escapes me but it also causes me to wonder something.

We seem to live in a world where many people of influence and who are considered to be reasonably intelligent seem to say or do the darndest things while relying on the fact that they will always have a second chance to undo what they did regardless of the damage they may have created.

Consider Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid who, while addressing the Asian Chamber of Commerce in Las Vegas last month, made a racial joke targeting Asians.

How about the Comp Sci professor at Memorial University in Newfoundland and Labrador who gave the students an assignment where they were to create an application that could determine whether a rape victim would commit suicide?

Then there was the HBO special a couple of years ago where the producers of the show thought it would be cool to show a young girl drinking out of a phallic-shaped water bottle.  Try selling those to underage kids from your home and see how many you sell before the police show up.

.

In these and other situations, it appears that the general rule of thumb is to be over the top or insensitive now and apologize later if the furor gets significant enough.

By that time, however, the objective has often been achieved, whether it be attention, notoriety, publicity or whatever the desired effect is.  Meanwhile, our boundaries of what we consider acceptable have stretched a little further and possibly to our detriment.

When the subsequent, obligatory apology shows up where people throw up their hands and say “I don’t know what I was thinking” or “I didn’t think it was that bad”, I always think of this:

If it wasn’t in your head in the first place, then you wouldn’t have to worry about it coming out as it did and then subsequently having to apologize for it.

Well … that is unless the act is intentional and the apology is part of the “game”.

Even in my own line of work, I observe people and organizations being sloppy, lazy or unprofessional around the implementation of strategy, application architecture, application security, business continuity and the like and then throwing up their hands in despair when the predictable, inevitable disaster occurs.  Events such as the compromise of credit and debit cards throughout the retail industry in the last year is an excellent example of this – preventable acts that weren’t prevented.

The difficulty with relying on second chances is that they are unpredictable at best in their offering and timing and if we come to rely on them, we discover that what we consider to be our second chance is actually our third, fourth, etc.

And sometimes, the hope that a second chance will save us fades as we discover that the problem that we allowed to manifest can’t actually be undone with a second chance because of the nature of the damage incurred or in the time available to fix the issue.

The Bottom Line

We should always be grateful for the opportunity of a second chance to improve an initial result when our best effort wasn’t enough.

We must also be open to providing others with a second chance when warranted.

However, while we should be grateful for the opportunity to receive (and give) a second chance, I wonder if we should work at living as if we will never need or receive one.

Otherwise, the day may come when your project, your company, a relationship or perhaps something on a state, national or international level may suffer as a result, producing a disastrous result that cannot be easily recovered from.

I think we can and must do better to avoid the belief that the safety net of a second chance is always available on-demand whenever we need it.

Because maybe a life depends on it.

Maybe it’s yours.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Doing Things Right the First Time

This weekend, I started a new phase in my life as I began formally studying theology at Queen's College. It is an exciting time for me as my life continues to morph, as Bob Buford describes, from success to significance, migrating from being just a Wall Streeter to something else as yet defined.

Two of my new friends that I met in class this week are a senior pastor and his wife from a local evangelical church. They honored my family with an invitation to attend their worship services this week, which we gratefully accepted.

Pastor Milley gave a powerful sermon on encouragement and in the course of doing so, quoted a poem by Louise Fletcher Tarkington entitled "The Land of Beginning Again". His message and the specific quote were so powerful that I had to go find the poem and read it in its entirety.

The poem is a powerful piece that speaks to the importance of doing the best that we can at all times and not relying on opportunity to "make things right" after we nonchalantly choose poorly in our initial interactions with others. This poem also reminds us to be grateful for all that we have and that when we look back upon times of struggle, we will see much to be grateful for, even if we didn't see it then.

I am including the poem in this blog post. As you read it, I ask you to reflect on your own life and ask yourself - "Am I doing the best possible job right now with the gifts I have been given?" If you are like me, no matter how hard you try, there is room for improvement. When one thinks of the classic elements of stewardship: time, talent and treasure, ask yourself if you are using these gifts for maximum impact or are you grumbling that others are not making a difference fast enough for your liking. Why wait for others when you could be making a difference right now?

If we want to expedite making a difference in this great world, perhaps we need to do it ourselves and inspire others to act, rather than just wait for someone to step up (all the while disappointing us with their delayed action when we have no right to be disappointed).

Think about how you might begin this process of improvement right now as you contemplate this beautiful piece.

Yours in service and servanthood.

Harry

---

The Land of Beginning Again

I wish that there were some wonderful place
Called the Land of Beginning Again
Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches
And all of our selfish grief
Could be dropped like a shabby old coat by the door
And never be put on again.

I wish we could come on it all unaware
Like the hunter who finds a lost trail
And I wish that the one whom our blindness has done
The greatest injustice of all
Could be at the gates like an old friend that waits
For the comrade he's gladdest to hail.

We would find all the things we intended to do
But forgot, and remembered too late;
Little praises unspoken, little promises broken
And all of the thousand and one
Little duties neglected that might have perfected
The day for one less fortunate.

It wouldn't be possible not to be kind
In the Land of Beginning Again
And the ones we misjudged and the ones whom we grudged
Their moments of victory then
Would find in the grasp of our loving handclasp
More than penitent lips could explain.

For what had been hardest we'd know had been best
And what had seemed loss would be gain
For there isn't a sting that will not take a wing
When we've faced it and laughed it away,
And I think that the laughter is most what we're after
In the Land of Beginning Again.

So I wish that there were some wondered place
Called the Land of Beginning Again
Where all our mistakes and all our heartaches
And all of our selfish grief
Could be dropped like a shabby old coat at the door

And never be put on again.

Louise Fletcher Tarkington

Thoughts on forgiveness

Good day!

How many times in your life have you felt personally affronted, offended or disappointed in someone's actions to the point where an apology seemed to be necessary? Sometimes an apology seems important at the time but the incident fades in time to the point where the incident is forgotten and the need for an apology fades with it. Other times, it is felt that an apology is so critical that the relationship cannot continue until the apology is delivered – and a suitable apology at that, not just any half-hearted apology.

It is normal that we sometimes feel an apology is warranted. If the need passes relatively quickly and the relationship continues undamaged, then Life proceeds as it always has and no one is the worse for the incident.

When a relationship becomes damaged or is permanently put on hold while waiting for an apology, then the person waiting for the apology needs to examine the 5 W's regarding the necessity of the apology.

What is to be gained by demanding or holding out for an apology? Is everyone better off while time passes without the apology that is expected? What is lost as this time passes?

Why is the apology needed? Can your life continue with or without it? Will receiving an apology somehow make your life so much better than if you had not received one?

Who benefits from waiting for this apology? Is it possible that waiting for an apology burdens the person waiting for it more so than the person who "should" be giving it?

When has a sufficient time elapsed before an apology is no longer necessary, or would someone rather wait indefinitely, regardless of the impact of this decision? When does someone realize that the need for an apology is not as important as what is lost in the relationship?

Where does the person waiting for the apology expect their life to go if they accumulate enough of these "must have an apology" incidents? That would present quite a burden on someone who already has the many challenges of life presented by living in the 21st century.

The fact is that the day you cannot forgive somebody for an act committed is the day you can stop expecting forgiveness for any act that you may commit against others. It is also true that while receiving an apology may make your past seem better in your eyes, does holding out for one indefinitely make your future better? I doubt if it does.

The pain or hurt that we perceived for which an apology is demanded is often encased in a lot of emotion, which prevents us from analyzing the true source of it and prevents us from beginning the process of healing one's self and one's relationships. This pain festers and grows on negative energy. It drags people down and becomes a preoccupying thought that prevents them from reaching their truest potential. It is so easy to say "I will never let that person hurt me again" yet what is hurting you the most – the act committed against you or the negative energy that you are accumulating as you keep reliving the incident and affirming the need for an apology. Alan Paton, a famous writer, summed it up nicely when he wrote, "When a deep injury is done, we never recover until we forgive".

It is so easy to rationalize not forgiving someone by saying "If I forget this incident, then I am opening myself to being offended again later". However, this thought continues the pain, hurt and other emotions that are wrapped around the original incident, preventing one from analyzing the incident and truly evaluating it on it's merits. Forgiving someone releases this negative energy and allows one to grow and to learn from the incident. Isn't this what Life is all about – to learn from our experiences so that we can handle them better the next time? How can we expect to grow and experience Life to it's fullest if we refuse to learn from the lessons offered to us?

Mahatma Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong". There is a common expression along the same lines that it takes a big person to forgive. It is easy to hold a grudge for a long time (or forever). It takes true internal strength to forgive.

Some people like to say they forgive someone but they never forget the incident. Is this true forgiveness, or do you at some level put the relationship on probation, waiting for the next affront to upset you all over again? To not forget the incident when it is forgiven is not true forgiveness and people should not delude themselves by thinking that forgiving and not forgetting go hand in hand.

There are people who feel that punishment is warranted and that somehow the apology is connected with this punishment, almost as if the apology serves as a form of humiliation in the initial stages of retribution. This adds unnecessary negativity to the need for an apology – the negativity associated with some form of revenge. Life has a way of rewarding or punishing people when the time is right, whether that person wants it or expects it. So rather than assuming that one has the right to be administering some form of justice, isn't it better to let Life handle each person as they deserve? Plus, the incident that you think an apology is warranted for may be a single low point in an otherwise perfect life on the part of the other person – so what gives you the right to exact punishment on them for this? On the contrary, perhaps you brought on the incident so what gives you the right to punish someone for an action that you brought on or instigated?

Forgiving some people may also confuse them. Some incidents may in fact warrant an apology but it is not worth waiting for, for some of the reasons discussed previously. Forgiving this person will be a release for you and will offer a lesson to the other person, a lesson that they may not understand immediately. Rather than try to impose a lesson on them, allow time to reveal the power of forgiveness to them. Sara Paddiston summarized this when she wrote, "Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time."

Holding grudges is also a great way to build enemies. Life is challenging enough without creating additional challenges. If through a simple act, we can create or maintain relationships or at the very least, nullify an enemy, isn't this a better thing than to be looking over our shoulder as we watch out for the actions of our enemies.

Forgiving someone is not a license for that person to hurt again. However, by forgiving them, you provide a learning opportunity to that person as well and through your actions, both parties grow. If someone takes advantage of repeated forgiveness on your part, then it is time to review and discuss your relationship with that person.

Everyone has a purpose on this earth and we are all connected on many levels. Herman Melville noted, "We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects." Since Life rewards or punishes based on our actions, the positive action of forgiveness will be returned to us in a positive way. To be unable to forgive is to be unable to love.

Let us also not forget that we are not perfect. We have committed our own acts that perhaps we are not proud of, that someone else may expect an apology for. We may choose to stand our ground, insisting that an apology is not necessary. At some point the proverbial "light" comes on and you see the situation for what it is – you are unwilling to apologize for something yet find yourself wondering why you can't receive an apology for a different incident. Opening our hearts to forgiveness also enables us to apologize when the need is there and therefore we learn by forgiving.

So given all of this, why would you rather hold all of this negative energy inside you and allow it to cripple you, hold you back, encourage sleepless nights and inhibit your life. Forgiveness, love and Life are intertwined. Free yourself from the trappings and negative energy of grudges, forgive those who need forgiveness, apologize to those you have affronted and know that you will have opened your heart and your mind to a better life – one where you can more easily recognize and accept Life's gifts and wonder.

Namaste – the Divine in me honors the Divine in you

Harry