Menopause - The Downfall of Mankind?

It's okay to talk about birth, okay - then menstruation. I first started my advocacy for women's health in the field of reproductive freedom, and the next stage would be bringing menopause out of the closet. - Cybill Shepherd

This blog post is a huuuuuuuuuge departure from my typical content for this blog.  However, after a conversation with someone who has had some serious struggles with menopause, I was struck by the lack of serious dialog and information regarding serious menopause issues, thus producing deep ramifications for many people in the areas of relationships and society-at-large.

The content that follows was extracted from actual information sent to me by this person and I adapted it for this blog post.

The primary content is raw and unedited and for this reason, is not contained on this page.  Click here to access the content and again, please note that the blog post is very raw (with mature language) as compared to what you are used to seeing here.

However, there is a need for more dialog around some of the more sensitive issues of menopause and for this reason, I present this #1206 blog post.

The #1206 “fiction” series continues …. click here to access the page (note the mature language warning).

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To be continued.

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© 2014 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background:

The information about how menopause clouds the conscious mind is documented and easily found with a Google search.

Research on the subconscious mind and the notion that it will seek to recreate its past as its present as a place of comfort (even to one’s detriment) has also been documented by many researchers.

In regards to the person who contacted me looking for a voice, her struggle with menopause and the strain created on her relationship is genuine.  The notes that she provided to me go into much deeper, more painful and more raw detail than I have included here.  Currently, the only options offered to her would be to go on antidepressants or consider hypnotherapy in an effort to alter her behavior, options that she doesn’t wish to pursue.

The ripple effect of what our positive or negative energy does to others has long been known as well.

I found the collision of all of these things to be irresistible, providing food for thought and perhaps encouraging conversation about the elephant in the room when it comes to menopause.

My blog now returns to its regularly scheduled programming.

Series Origin:

This series, a departure from my usual musings,  is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Who Defines Your Reality?

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein

We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality. - Iris Murdoch

The #1206 “fiction” series continues ….

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Abigail sat in a busy restaurant, sipping on her latte and smiling in anticipation of her husband’s arrival.  It had been a busy day for both of them and as darkness approached, she shivered slightly in excitement as she reread his text “On my way, my love.  Be there in 10 minutes.”  As she took another sip of her latte, she happened to glance up over her mug and found herself staring at …. herself.

The person she was staring at seemed to be equally shocked and surprised and after a moment, she asked quietly, “Are you …….. me?”

Abigail stared in surprised but said nothing and then her alternate self sat down beside her as they both continued to stare at each other.

“What’s happening here?”, asked Abigail.

“I have no idea”, replied her alternate self, “I was just about to ask you the same question.”

“My name is Abigail”, said Abigail and her alternate self almost simultaneously and then there was silence again.

“This is not possible”, said her alternate self, “How can you be me?”

“I don’t know”, replied Abigail and then there was silence yet again.

“This is crazy”, said Abigail, breaking the silence and trying to get control of her thoughts.  “My husband Gabriel will surely know what’s going on”, she added.

“I was married to a guy with the same name”, replied her alternate self, “What a strange coincidence.”

“Was?”, asked Abigail.

“Yes”, her alternate self replied, “He was killed in a plane crash about a year ago.”  She pulled our her cell phone and showed an image of a news website, describing the airline, the flight and the tragedy that had befallen everyone on board.

Abigail frowned at the image, took out her own cell phone and Googled the information about the flight.  Google returned nothing of interest and there were no plane crashes of note anywhere in the world at that time.

“How odd that our husbands have the same name”, said Abigail.  Blushing with embarrassment, she said, “I’m so sorry …. had.  Oh, I don’t know what I am trying to say.”

“It’s ok”, said her alternate self, “We had just been married when he had to leave on a business trip.  His return flight crashed in a snowstorm and everyone was killed.”

“This is wrong”, said Abigail, “Something strange is happening here.  Gabriel has never flown without me.  Who are you really?”

“Well”, replied her alternate self, “I once read about this thing called multiverses where an infinite number of each of us exist simultaneously, each living our own reality.  Maybe in some strange way, we have been connected from two different multiverses.  In mine, my husband has been killed.  In yours, your husband is still alive.”

Abigail’s head began to spin as she thought about this.  “He will be here in about 10 minutes”, she said, “He will know what to make of this.”

Her alternate self frowned for a moment before replying.  “I don’t know if I want to meet him”, she said quietly.

Abigail thought for a moment, nodded and then reached for her purse to pull out some photos.  Having found them, she turned towards her alternate self to see if her alternate self recognized any of the people in the photos and realized that her alternate self had vanished.

She shivered with a sudden fear that swept over her and reaching for her cell phone, she opened the text exchange with Gabriel to tell him that she loved him and that she needed him.

Or she tried to, anyway.  She noticed that the text exchange had disappeared.  Frowning as to why, she opened her contact list to choose his name from the list but his name didn’t appear there either.

Her heart began to beat harder as the fear in her grew and with shaky fingers, she dialled Gabriel’s number.  After several rings, she heard a voice on the phone:

The number you have dialled is not in service.  Please check the number and try again.  Recording 12-06.

Something strange struck her and she Googled about the flight she had searched for earlier.  She was shocked as the search results described a plane crash that had killed everyone on board. 

Gabriel’s name was on the victim list.

To be continued.

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© 2014 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Alternate Ending:

I played around with the idea that she called friends and family to ask whether they had heard from Gabriel and nobody knew what she was talking about or who Gabriel was.

Background:

I have always been fascinated with the concept of the multiverse, where an infinite number of each us exist simultaneously.  There are some interesting theories about the possibilities that can be created if we could change which multiverse we are in, either just in perception of the multiverse or in a physical form.

In such a situation, if two multiverses accidentally or purposely overlapped, would or could the two realities meld into one.  Would the mere suggestion of a different reality in one multiverse in turn create such a reality in the other?  If the reality changed for someone in a multiverse, was the original reality ever real in the first place?  How would we know and whose reality would be the real one?

If such things could happen, consider the idea of someone who was committed to an institution and who rants and raves about what they claim to be a life partner who vanished, a life partner that we assure them never existed.  How do we know that they didn’t experience such an event?

How would we know anything at all?

Series Origin:

This series, a departure from my usual musings,  is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

The Importance of Owning Your Wife

You can change your world by changing your words. Remember, death and life are in the power of the tongue. - Joel Osteen

The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words. - Philip K. Dick

The #1206 “fiction” series continues ….

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“I appreciate you stopping by today”, Jim said to his meeting companion as they stood to shake hands.

“No problem at all”, replied his companion, “Please send my best to your family.”  They shook hands and his companion departed.

Jim sat down again and began to put his papers away.  He cursed his cellphone when he noticed that its battery had run down again.  It never seemed to hold more than about 4 hours of charge.  He was just promising himself to look into it when a slight, non-descript man with a penetrating gaze stood before him.  “Excuse me”, the non-descript man said, “May I sit down?”

Jim looked at him uncertainly for a moment and then with a shrug, mumbled “Suit yourself”.

“Thank you”, the man said, sitting down.  Without hesitation, he looked Jim squarely in the eye and said bluntly, “I understand that you own your wife.  You must be quite pleased to have such a possession.”

Startled by such a blunt statement, Jim looked at the man and said “Excuse me?”

The man smiled before speaking.  “I overheard you tell your companion that you have a wife.  You must be quite proud.”

“Now look”, Jim said sharply, “I have no idea what you are getting at but …..”

The man held up a hand and interrupted him.

“You have a coffee.  You have a laptop.  You have a car.  Does this not suggest that having something means owning it or directing it without fear of a negative response from that which is owned?”

“Well of course”, agreed Jim, “But having a wife is different.”

“Possibly”, replied the man, “But think of this.  The primary definition of have is to hold or maintain possession, privilege or entitlement of something or to hold something in one’s use, service, regard or at one’s disposal.  While a secondary definition of have means to stand in a relationship with someone, the primary use of have that I explained is the one most common and the one our brain resonates with the most.”

“Um, ok”, said Jim uncertainly.  “What are you getting at?”

“Did you ever wonder that every time you make a reference to having your wife, that in fact you may be inadvertently programming your mind to believe that you in fact own her instead of being in a partnership with her.  Over the years, such programming may actually cause you to believe this on a subconscious level and you inadvertently begin treating her as property instead of someone you have partnered with.”

Jim remained silent as the man continued.

“Over time, your wife begins to feel your accidental assertion over her and she begins to resist your subconsciously driven efforts.  In some cases, because she has you as her husband, she may inadvertently begin to attempt to assert control over her property as well and pretty soon you are both lost in resisting each other and your marriage begins to flounder.  The insidious thing is that this accidental, subconscious assertion of dominance over the other is so subtle and takes place over so many years that neither of you see the real reason for the change in each other’s behavior.  All you realize is that this is no longer the person who you loved years ago and for some reason, each of you no longer puts the other person first the way you used to.  You have asserted your ownership for so many years in a subconscious way that you believe the lie you have repeatedly told yourself.”

“That’s preposterous”, expostulated Jim.

“Really?”, asked the man.  “Think of this.  Instead of saying I have a wife, imagine if you overheard your wife saying my husband has me which in essence is the same thing from a reverse context.  Wouldn’t that sound strange to you?  It would almost sound as if you are a jealous, possessive person which I suspect you are not.”

“Of course it would”, said Jim as he frowned.

“Then you understand the power of words”, said the man as he smiled at Jim.  “Think about them carefully!”

He looked down at Jim’s cellphone.  “Pesky devices”, he said, “they never stay charged when you need them.”  He reached over, pick up Jim’s cellphone, held it for a moment and then passed it to Jim.

“Remember”, the man said, “words matter.  Pay more attention to them before you use them.”  He smiled again, stood up, reached over and gently touched Jim on the shoulder and walked out the door without another word.

Jim sat for a moment and then jumped up to ask the man who he was.  Running into the street, he saw that the man was nowhere to be found.

As he returned to the table in the coffee shop, he was shaking his head.  “Silly old man”, he thought, “What does he know?”

Picking up his cellphone, he frowned.  He could have sworn the battery was almost exhausted and yet the battery meter read 100%.  He shrugged, packed his stuff away, grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

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A week later, Jim found himself sitting at the same table and memories of the old man came to mind.  He had given a lot of thought to what the man had said on this very spot a week ago and wasn’t sure if he should give it credence or not.

But that wasn’t what dogged him the most.

His cellphone, which never gave him more than 4 hours of use before needing to be recharged, was still at 100%, having been that way since the old man had picked up his phone and handed it to him.  After using the phone heavily for the last 7 days, it simply did not need to be charged at all.

As he stared at the phone, an odd thought crossed his mind.

“Nahhhhh, couldn’t be”, he smiled to himself. 

Suddenly he stopped smiling and something dawned on him.

He pressed the speed dial button for his wife.

To be continued.

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© 2014 – Harry Tucker – All Rights Reserved

Background:

Words matter.

How aware are you of the power behind your words in the potential for creating good or evil?

Series Origin:

This series, a departure from my usual musings,  is inspired as a result of conversations with former senior advisors to multiple Presidents of the United States, senior officers in the US Military and other interesting folks as well as my own professional background as a Wall St. / Fortune 25 strategy and large-scale technology architect.

While this musing is just “fiction” and a departure from my musings on technology, strategy, politics and society, as a strategy guy, I do everything for a reason and with a measurable outcome in mind. :-)

This “fictional” musing is a continuation of the #1206 series noted here.

Problem Solving - Choose Your Solution Wisely

Last week I was meeting someone at a coffee shop in one of Canada’s primary coffee chains and sat down at the only table available.

Noticing it was covered in crumbs, I proceeded to sweep the table clean when I realized that in fact, the “crumbs” were small dead flies – about 30 or 40 of them.

Having had a few issues at this particular coffee shop before (which I had reported to staff but which weren’t acted upon) and knowing someone who worked in corporate for this chain, I decided to take action that I knew would produce a result instead of wasting my breath with the staff.

I took a picture of the dead flies and SMS’d it to my colleague in corporate.

The corporate folks acted swiftly and decisively (which I knew they would).

Returning to the same coffee shop for the first time in a week, I noticed that when some customers pulled out their smartphone, the staff was quick to tell them that picture-taking was not allowed even though the customers were not taking pictures.  As a result, I noticed a few awkward moments between customers and staff and a lot of poor assumptions being made.

It appears that the solution to the little dilemma I created last week when I reported the dead flies was to be more aggressive on cracking down on how violations are captured.

Perhaps if the business owner in question was as quick to manage the store more effectively and proactively, the need to finally send a photo wouldn’t have been necessary.

Meanwhile, I now see that the business owner is not only not proactive in effectively managing their business but they are paranoid as well.  Covering up future issues (and the reporting of them) appears to be a key priority.

It reminds me of how some people feel about breaking the law – that their actions are not illegal unless they are caught.

Stuff happens

In business, as in Life, it is important that we do the best we can to proactively meet or exceed the expectations of others.  On the occasions when we don’t achieve such an intention, it is critical that the action we take demonstrates to the other person that we really care about resolving the problem to everyone’s satisfaction.

Since problems are often inevitable, how we address them is often as important (if not more) than the existence of the problem itself and sends a clear message as to how much we really value the relationships that we create.

How do you resolve challenges that are often inevitable?

Do you go out of your way to acknowledge and fix the issue with the other person, showing others that you care about their perception of you and your relationship with them, or do you put your energy into other areas, including ignoring or burying the issue?

The choices you make become an important predictor regarding your future success – personal and professional. 

The actions you take based on the choices that resonate with you will speak much louder than any intention you may claim to have.  Failure to do “the right thing” may also create more issues, as it did for the customers in the coffee shop today who were accused of doing something that they were not.

How much value do you place on your relationships?

How do you know?

More importantly, how do they know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum: In reflecting upon one customer who was challenged today, it occurred to me that this customer is a regular who usually sits at the table where I was sitting last week when I filed the report.  It wouldn’t surprise me if the staff thought it was this customer who filed the report which is why they zeroed in on him so quickly.  This is another example of what happens when one chooses to solve a problem in an ineffective or inappropriate manner or when someone jumps to inappropriate conclusions – potentially burning unrelated, previously undamaged relationships.

We Are The Company That We Keep

I took a few days off social media this week which I do on occasion to lift myself above the din of positive sharings, negative sharings, spam, self-promotion, real news, fake news and everything else that social media is.

One thing that creating some space between myself and social media provides is an opportunity to see who adds to my Life and who detracts from it.  Sometimes it is hard to distinguish real value from the rest of the “stuff” floating around when thousands of voices are clamouring “look at me” at the same time.

Our brain, while staggering in its capabilities, has limits in terms of what it can absorb, process and respond to consciously.  However, it does react to everything, even if we are not aware of it, as it subconsciously processes data via the miracle that is our five senses and its potential expands or contracts as a result.

What serves our brain best is when we feed it with information, knowledge, data, facts and feelings that contribute to our vision for a better self, better relationships with others, better results in everything we do and a better world at large.

That’s not to say that when people feed it negative information that this information must be shut out.  If you are on a sinking ship and someone is screaming in your face that the ship is sinking, this bad news provides you with what you need to save your Life.

So not all sources of bad news need to be shut off nor should they be.

However, there is a certain percentage of social media (and media in general) that is filled with pure hatred, falsehoods to manipulate us, fear and negativity for the sake of fear and negativity and not to inform us or call us to action, selfish self-promotion that screams “enough about you, let’s talk about me”, people who debate everything just for the sport of it or people who want to drown out everyone else so only they can be heard as they drive a personal agenda that benefits only themselves.

And when we step away from this noise, find a place of quiet and then take a look at the world of social media that we are immersed in, it becomes apparent as to who is contributing to or detracting from our lives.

After that, it is up to us to take action – action to enable us to be better people or to remain mired in a cacophony that serves the needs or bows to the weak mindedness of others while not allowing each of us to be the best that we can be.

After all – we are the company that we keep.

Whether that sends out a good message or a bad one or produces a good result or a bad one is up to us.

Who do you choose to be?

What result do you choose to produce?

What are you waiting for?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Creating Relationships–Offer Before Asking

I’m always amazed how many people out there still forget a golden rule when it comes to creating new relationships – the golden rule of asking “How may I serve your needs?” instead of overwhelming someone with a list of demands before a relationship has even been created.

I had someone reach out to me recently because they had a strong interest in a particular slice of my network.  The person, whom I did not know but who had found me via social media, politely described her intention and need.  She wanted to solicit my network to increase the business of her company and in order to accomplish this, wanted me to pass on to her the names and contact information of everyone that would be of value to her.  There was nothing in it for me (not that there always has to be) but the fact that the request was so one-sided in benefit stood out starkly.

Imagine a stranger calling you on the phone and saying politely, “I would like to call all your friends and family to see how they can help me grow my business.  Would you be kind enough to give me their names, relationship to you and phone numbers please?”

I’m sure you’d hop right on that, wouldn’t you, being delighted to provide this information to a complete stranger with no idea how the information would be used, what impact this person might have on them and no insight as to what your relationship with these people might look like after the stranger had worked their “magic”.

Yeah … right.

I replied with an explanation of how I don’t give my network contact info to strangers without context for how the information would be used.  However, I did indicate that if she could offer a different model where we would collaborate; helping me to understand what she wanted, how she operated, how we could craft something that benefitted all parties for the value of the respective contributions, how her intention would benefit my network, etc., then I would more than delighted to have a dialog with her.

Her response was “a no thank you” regarding collaboration (making it clear that my thoughts regarding a one-sided collaboration were right on) to which I replied that she gave up too easily.  Her reply was that she would reach out to me in the future with the same ask.  Knowing what I know now, perhaps she shouldn’t waste her time unless her approach to collaboration changes.

The dialog highlighted something interesting.  When one attempts to create a new relationship, one shouldn’t open with a message that says “I don’t care about you, I have a need that looks like this”.  This is the surest way to turn someone off and guarantee a failure to engage with that person.

When the same person turns down an offer that transforms a a “what’s in it for one person” into a “let’s explore something that creates a win for everyone”, then that person is not destined for sustainable success, either as an individual or as a collaborator-wanna-be.

They fool some of the people some of the time but eventually either exhaust the list of people who will listen to them or learn the hard way that collaboration with a foundation built upon an understanding of respective needs, styles, and values is far more beneficial.

When one sees that the path to success is through someone else (either a long-time acquaintance or a new contact) consider making an offer to them first.

Find out what “turns a person on” personally or professionally.  Is there something about their values-set, their style of execution, a particular element of Life, a project of importance to them or some other aspect of their Life where you can provide assistance to them?  Do they drop “bread crumbs” that signal how they like to engage with others?

Find out what these are FIRST and bring value to their Life, who they serve and what is important to them.

Good people, feeling that what is important to them is important to you also, will respond in kind with an offer for assistance for something important to you.

Everyone wins.

If you don’t take the time to find out what is important to them, then they feel that they don’t matter or they are being used.

And they are probably right – not a great way to create a new relationship or strengthen an existing one.  It is in fact a way to kill a relationship that otherwise may have born fruit for everyone involved.

The next time you need someone’s help (especially in a new relationship), ask yourself this before approaching that person.

What is important to this person?

What are their values?  How do their values align with mine?

How does this person prefer to be engaged in a relationship?

What turns this person on or off?

What gifts do I have that can help that person move towards their Life goals and objectives?

Too much work?  Then you weren’t in it for a mutual collaboration in the first place, were you?  Maybe the objectives you are trying to achieve for yourself are not important enough that you would be willing to invest in someone else to achieve them.

However, if you strive to understand the answers to these questions (and the others that may arise as you answer these), then you are ready to reach out and make an offer to them.

Not an ask.

You are ready to say “Hi, my name is so-and-so, you have an interest in such-and-such and I believe my gift / talent in the area of such-and-such can help you.  Would you be interested in hearing more about how I can help you?”

Conversely, nothing kills a dialog faster than receiving a message from someone seeking help that implies “I’d like to care about you and your interests but I don’t - I am more important”.

I would think that creating relationships is a lot more fun and impactful than killing them.

Don’t you?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

For my Musings-in-a-Minute version of “Creating Relationships – Offer Before Asking”, please click here.

To Influence the Mind of Others ….

… you MUST touch their heart.

In order to touch the heart, you must KNOW  the individual you wish to influence.  You must know what turns them on and equally important, what turns them off.

And despite this, many people seek to influence others in a somewhat random way and are often disappointed with the results.

One of the things I learned in my many years on Wall St. is the importance of knowing who I am dealing with.

When I have a need to establish a relationship for the purpose of collaborating, I immediately research the other person to understand:

• what they like and what they don’t like
• what ignites their passion and what throws cold water on it
• where they believe their sense of purpose is
• how they prefer to execute
• who their organization serves
• what their organization does and how it does it
• what my organization does and how it does it
• what I bring to the table to enable the person whom I am establishing the relationship with
• how the intersection of all of these areas produces the sweet spot for success for everyone involved.

People talk about establishing win/win relationships and yet they don’t know the person they are dealing with.

If someone doesn’t know what motivates another, how can one expect to influence them?

One may get lucky, but then again, who wants to rely on luck?

So, before attempting to influence someone else ask yourself two questions:

1. What do I REALLY know about the person I wish to influence and collaborate with?

2. Having learned as much as I can about them, how can I serve the needs of that person, in a manner that resonates with their own beliefs, values and execution style?

This is the age of knowledge, knowledge equally accessible by all.

Use it to your benefit and to the benefit of those whom you serve and collaborate with.

Some people think this is a lot of work.  Yes it is.  However, if you really want to produce positive results consistently, you will discover that it is definitely worth it.

Also, as you do this you will discover that in spending so much time learning about the other person that you are in fact making an investment in a very long-term relationship; the kind that produces true win/wins for many years to come.

Then again, you could rely on luck.

Which would you prefer?

In service and servanthood.

Harry