Maximizing Potential–Avoiding Ask-Holes

As I reflected upon a request of me recently, it’s not hard to figure out why so many organizations, whether for-profit, not-for-profit, religious or any other type are struggling these days.

The request violated what I believe to be a critical equation in engagement, the equation looking like this:

Actually, I’m just kidding.

The equation looks like this.

In my situation, the person making the ask ignored repeated indications of what mattered to me and had nothing to offer in return.  Unfortunately for them, the interaction did not produce the result they desired and possibly has destroyed the future potential for a positive interaction.  The interaction was all about their success at anyone else’s expense.

In fact, their ask list was so great that they created a relationship deficit that I like to refer to as an ask-hole (yeah yeah, pun partially intended ), where the asks were made in ignorance of what mattered to me and where there was nothing offered in return despite the number of asks.

Such ask-holes create nothing but frustration, ineffective relationships, untapped potential and poor results.  I touch on this in a slightly different way in this mindmap (click on the image for a viewable version).

True success that is sustainable and which produces a real “win-win” can only be manifested when there is a sweet spot alignment.

When you are trying to engage a person or organization, are you aware of the sweet spot of that person or organization, making offers that resonate with it before making asks that should also resonate with the same sweet spot or are you focused on creating an ask-hole?

Are you sure?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

It May Not Matter To You, But ….

I was recently approached by an organization looking for an injection of funding to cover capital expenses.  This is a great organization with a great team and a powerful vision - an organization that has the potential to impact future generations in a positive way.

It sounds like something anyone would want to contribute to, doesn’t it?

There was only one issue that prevented me from being “all in”.

One of the key players responsible for capital attraction has a bit of a touchy history.  He was in the media a couple of years ago for doing less than ethical (in my opinion) things to a not-for-profit, leaving them financially high-and-dry while he escaped unscathed.

He has a business reputation for being somewhat predatorial in nature, creating deals that benefit himself while leaving others to blow in the breeze.  It doesn’t appear that way when the deals are crafted but many of them finish this way.

He also has a reputation for spinning opportunities that appear to be amazing but which all inevitably fail, wiping out everyone who participated in the opportunity while he moves on to the next one.

Meanwhile, he is on a speaking tour about how to create success built upon collaboration.  Yeah …. my thoughts exactly.

And so when this organization came to me with this guy at the helm of capital attraction, I was touched by their potential but I struggled to get past the fact that this guy, a guy not known for creating “win-wins” was a key advisor and leader.

When I pointed all of this out, this great organization made a capital blunder.

I was told that my concerns don’t matter – that even though this person has a touchy history (by their own acknowledgement), I should look past all of this and invest in them anyway because of the potential contained within.

In telling me this, they violated what I believe to be a key rule when approaching others.

I believe that when one approaches someone else with collaboration in mind, one should strive to open the dialog with an offer and with the offer in place, one has an opportunity to make an ask.

In making the offer and the ask, we do our best to find an alignment of ethics, morals, sense of purpose, style of execution, measurable outcomes, complementary skills and resources and any other needs that each participant in the dialog has or may be sensitive to.  The needs of the other side must be understood, appreciated and respected.

As soon as one side tells the other that their concerns are irrelevant or should be ignored, then one should expect the door to be slammed in their face.

Because when one doesn’t honor the needs and concerns of the other side, then one is saying that the other person doesn’t matter.

The truth is that we all matter.

When someone says or implies “forget about us, it’s all about me”, then the opportunity for collaboration is dead and we should move on quickly.  There are many other worthy collaborations out there waiting to be created.

Some will.

Some won’t.

So what.

Someone’s waiting.

When we honor and respect others, we receive it in return.

And when this happens, there is no limit to what WE can create.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS  After I posted this, Stephen Covey’s fifth habit of highly successful people came to mind: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”.  Perhaps if people used this principle more often, the chances of creating collaborative success would increase sharply. :-)

Creating Relationships–Offer Before Asking

I’m always amazed how many people out there still forget a golden rule when it comes to creating new relationships – the golden rule of asking “How may I serve your needs?” instead of overwhelming someone with a list of demands before a relationship has even been created.

I had someone reach out to me recently because they had a strong interest in a particular slice of my network.  The person, whom I did not know but who had found me via social media, politely described her intention and need.  She wanted to solicit my network to increase the business of her company and in order to accomplish this, wanted me to pass on to her the names and contact information of everyone that would be of value to her.  There was nothing in it for me (not that there always has to be) but the fact that the request was so one-sided in benefit stood out starkly.

Imagine a stranger calling you on the phone and saying politely, “I would like to call all your friends and family to see how they can help me grow my business.  Would you be kind enough to give me their names, relationship to you and phone numbers please?”

I’m sure you’d hop right on that, wouldn’t you, being delighted to provide this information to a complete stranger with no idea how the information would be used, what impact this person might have on them and no insight as to what your relationship with these people might look like after the stranger had worked their “magic”.

Yeah … right.

I replied with an explanation of how I don’t give my network contact info to strangers without context for how the information would be used.  However, I did indicate that if she could offer a different model where we would collaborate; helping me to understand what she wanted, how she operated, how we could craft something that benefitted all parties for the value of the respective contributions, how her intention would benefit my network, etc., then I would more than delighted to have a dialog with her.

Her response was “a no thank you” regarding collaboration (making it clear that my thoughts regarding a one-sided collaboration were right on) to which I replied that she gave up too easily.  Her reply was that she would reach out to me in the future with the same ask.  Knowing what I know now, perhaps she shouldn’t waste her time unless her approach to collaboration changes.

The dialog highlighted something interesting.  When one attempts to create a new relationship, one shouldn’t open with a message that says “I don’t care about you, I have a need that looks like this”.  This is the surest way to turn someone off and guarantee a failure to engage with that person.

When the same person turns down an offer that transforms a a “what’s in it for one person” into a “let’s explore something that creates a win for everyone”, then that person is not destined for sustainable success, either as an individual or as a collaborator-wanna-be.

They fool some of the people some of the time but eventually either exhaust the list of people who will listen to them or learn the hard way that collaboration with a foundation built upon an understanding of respective needs, styles, and values is far more beneficial.

When one sees that the path to success is through someone else (either a long-time acquaintance or a new contact) consider making an offer to them first.

Find out what “turns a person on” personally or professionally.  Is there something about their values-set, their style of execution, a particular element of Life, a project of importance to them or some other aspect of their Life where you can provide assistance to them?  Do they drop “bread crumbs” that signal how they like to engage with others?

Find out what these are FIRST and bring value to their Life, who they serve and what is important to them.

Good people, feeling that what is important to them is important to you also, will respond in kind with an offer for assistance for something important to you.

Everyone wins.

If you don’t take the time to find out what is important to them, then they feel that they don’t matter or they are being used.

And they are probably right – not a great way to create a new relationship or strengthen an existing one.  It is in fact a way to kill a relationship that otherwise may have born fruit for everyone involved.

The next time you need someone’s help (especially in a new relationship), ask yourself this before approaching that person.

What is important to this person?

What are their values?  How do their values align with mine?

How does this person prefer to be engaged in a relationship?

What turns this person on or off?

What gifts do I have that can help that person move towards their Life goals and objectives?

Too much work?  Then you weren’t in it for a mutual collaboration in the first place, were you?  Maybe the objectives you are trying to achieve for yourself are not important enough that you would be willing to invest in someone else to achieve them.

However, if you strive to understand the answers to these questions (and the others that may arise as you answer these), then you are ready to reach out and make an offer to them.

Not an ask.

You are ready to say “Hi, my name is so-and-so, you have an interest in such-and-such and I believe my gift / talent in the area of such-and-such can help you.  Would you be interested in hearing more about how I can help you?”

Conversely, nothing kills a dialog faster than receiving a message from someone seeking help that implies “I’d like to care about you and your interests but I don’t - I am more important”.

I would think that creating relationships is a lot more fun and impactful than killing them.

Don’t you?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

For my Musings-in-a-Minute version of “Creating Relationships – Offer Before Asking”, please click here.