Fairness–Taming Our Tongue (And Our Keyboard)

The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment. - Elbert Hubbard

Fairness is not an attitude. It's a professional skill that must be developed and exercised. - Brit Hume

After a busy day today, I settled down in a new restaurant for one of my favorite dishes – rack of lamb.

The staff was friendly and professional, the location was beautiful, the ambience of the new restaurant was impressive ….

…. the meal was late enough that the wait staff brought out a complementary salad as an apology (which I insisted wasn’t necessary but I appreciated the effort) ….

…. and then the lamb arrived, probably the worst I have ever had.

My request for medium-rare rack of lamb resulted in the most overdone, dry lamb I have ever experienced.

The accompanying truffle mashed potatoes were actually less than two tablespoons.  I saved them for last and then scraped them together for a photo.

My business partner had ordered wild salmon but instead of a beautiful medium-rare masterpiece, it was also overcooked to a dry semblance of its former self and heavily seasoned with salt.

What does one do when this happens?

What would you do?

I called the waitress over and explained that I had requested medium-rare but received something far more cooked than well-done and that the potatoes were almost invisible.

She was clearly nervous, wondering where I was going next.

I then explained to her that I wanted her to do absolutely nothing about it and that I was grateful for the meal.

I think that she was clearly uncertain of my approach and offered profuse apologies and intentions to do anything she could to make it right but I politely interrupted her and explained my reasoning.

First of all, I explained, while I could complain about the quality of my food, there were in fact people not far from where we sat who had absolutely nothing to eat.  They would have given anything for the problem before me.

Secondly, I added, the reason I was explaining the need to improve their offering wasn’t so that she could fix it now but so that correcting this result in the future might protect her and her colleagues from an abusive person who might forget their blessings and hurl words (or food) in the direction of the staff as they expressed disappointment.  This was a new restaurant getting the kinks out of its system and needed some support and understanding from customers.

She was extremely appreciative of my words but I’m not convinced that she thought I was authentic.

When the manager came over to ask how the meal was, I explained my concerns once again as well as concerns over the condition of my partner’s salmon.

Once again, my concern was responded to with what I feel was genuine concern and offers to correct the situation and I explained to the manager what I had said to the waitress.

When he understood that I was being authentic and not trying to throw him off in one of those passive-aggressive, “I’m telling you I’m fine but in fact I’m just trying to stop you from fixing the problem so I can continue to be an unhappy victim” moments, our conversation turned towards gratitude for journeys explored in our careers, gratitude for the place where we both found our paths crossing today and gratitude for access to things that many people couldn’t even dream of.

He was grateful for how I had reacted to a meal that didn’t meet either of our standards and I was grateful for the genuine concern expressed regarding my situation and the manner with which he accepted my criticism.

And from that mutual understanding and a sense of gratitude that was shared by both of us, I actually enjoyed a meal that many people may have thrown out.

What would you have done?

The Bottom Line

I once mused about a day when a group of women drove up to a local Starbucks in their $80,000 cars, walked inside in their high-end outfits, ordered $5 lattes and then spent over an hour complaining about how their lives were miserable, their husbands were worthless and how anyone in the world must surely be happier than they were at that moment.

Their criticism was designed to mindlessly complain or to hurt others without solving their alleged suffering and without accepting any responsibility in their respective situations, a pointless waste of time that weakened themselves individually and collectively.  While talking with their husbands would have been more useful in solving what these women thought ailed them, their complaining to someone else demonstrated that they preferred to focus on being a victim rather than on solving a problem.

Indeed – I can still feel the pain and suffering they endured.

People who constantly hurt others or make mistakes despite repeated efforts to help them, guide them or correct them deserve criticism (constructive when possible) at a minimum and sharper actions where warranted.

But when genuinely nice people learning something new make significant mistakes, it is important that we put ourselves in their shoes before being quick with the tongue or the keyboard, the latter being where social media easily becomes the place where we look for accomplices to our complaints instead of looking for a solution to our problems.

Too often we forget that we too were novices once, in a specific skill-set, in a specific location, in a specific job or something else new to us.

And likely, we made mistakes then and remember the sting from unfair criticism or the assistance from someone who thought that investing in us instead of destroying us was a better use of both of our time.

So the next time you think criticism is warranted, think carefully before delivering it and be careful how you deliver it.  The modern approach of flaming someone online or not working with the target of our concern as the women in the coffee shop did doesn't solve many issues.

Sometimes criticism is very warranted, especially when it comes to the ignorant, the greedy and miscreants of a similar ilk.

But for others, I think a gentle word to the wise becomes just as important to the person giving the advice as it is to the person receiving it.

After all, the world doesn’t get better or “improve to our standards” unless we are willing to contribute to helping it get there, otherwise we will have plenty to complain about in the future.

That’s what I think - what do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum - The Manager Responds - March 26, 2017

I sent a copy of this blog to the manager to invite his response.  I share his response with permission:

----

Harry

Thanks for sending this along. Personally, I have to agree with you in that all to often we get caught up and forget how genuinely lucky so many of us are to have the luxuries of the lives we lead. As you mentioned, many are so very less fortunate.

One thing I have thought about a number of times in being someone who handles complaints frequently and sees how worked up people can get is Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The reason being is that when people are dining in an establishment or driving an $80,000 car and having a miserable husband, their base needs of security and shelter are certainly covered. I then wonder if due to their base needs so rarely getting challenged that if left unchecked their perception can get distorted to the extent that we have "1st world problems". Problems that as you point out, would be one that some wish to be so lucky to have.

Ultimately, I appreciate the article, the honest and intriguing conversation and the refreshing feedback. As I'm sure you are aware, the errors last night would have been not so kindly reported or discussed by so many others and ultimately open honest dialogue is more helpful in helping us improve. Thank you for that and thank you for the thought provoking blog and the reminder that we are very fortunate to be having the lives we do, kindness is important and feedback is a gift.

Kind regards,

----

With an approach like this, I suspect that this restaurant and the gentleman who runs it, whether he stays at the restaurant or moves on to other endeavors, are both creating a great future for themselves and the people who interact with them.

What do you think?

Keep the Noise Down, I’m Thinking

Silence is a source of great strength. - Lao Tzu

Silence is a true friend who never betrays. – Confucius

Some years ago at a leadership development seminar I attended, the attendees were paired up to perform an intriguing exercise.

In the exercise, one of the pair describes a real problem that they have.  The other half of the duo listens.  They are not allowed to comment on what they hear.  They are not allowed to ask questions nor are they allowed to attempt to solve the problem being described.  They are also not permitted to gesture or react in any way to what they hear.

They are told to listen and to potentially learn what Marcus Tullius Cicero meant when he wrote:

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

The participants in the exercise learn quickly that it is practically impossible for us to keep quiet when someone else is talking.

Yes, it is true that most of us were raised to help others when we can.  However, I found it to be an interesting demonstration of how our ego needs to solve everything that it perceives around us even if it doesn’t really know the answer or hasn’t even been asked to solve the problem.  When someone has a problem, we automatically have a solution and are very quick to vocalize it.  After all, as many of us know, it is much easier (and fun) to solve someone else’s problems rather than our own.

With the introduction of social media, this need for all of us to solve everyone’s problems or to express an opinion about them has become much more apparent and much more irresistible … and sometimes much less respectful.

As someone in the public eye, as a strategy guy, as someone who vigorously challenges those who usurp the rights of others through ignorance, greed or incompetence (especially under the guise of leadership or expertise) and as someone who embraces the ideals as expressed in Proverbs 31:8 where it is noted

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; defend the rights of all those who have nothing.”

I also find the need to respond to events to be irresistible. After all, it is what passionate “fixers” do automatically. :-)

However, those of us who respond to many things sometimes find that we are dragged into responding to anything whether or not it is in alignment with the reason we walk this Earth.

As a result, it seems that we are constantly proving William S. Burroughs right when he notes:

Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing.

What matters

The ability to unplug matters.

The ability to be silent matters.

The ability to silently observe, absorb, discard, contemplate, reflect and cleanse matters.

As a tested and confirmed near-hyperthymesiac (a person with a superior autobiographical memory), I find that the cleansing that comes from quiet observation and reflection to be a valuable exercise to flush the brain of unnecessary “stuff”.

It is a practice that I practice on a regular basis and one that I strongly recommend for anyone whose vocation, passion or hobby calls for them to be constantly “talking” in any form.

Sometimes when we are doing all the talking, we forget how to listen.

And so begins my semi-regular retreat from social media and making public comments using it.  I take as long as I need.  Sometimes it’s a weekend.  A few years ago, I disappeared from the public eye (not counting clients, family and close friends) for 8 weeks and had to resurface to explain to people that I hadn’t died when rumors started to circulate. :-)

All that being said ……

The politicians as well the incompetent, the greedy and the selfish who espouse their brilliance under the guise of “leadership” get a small reprieve.

But don’t worry.

I’m still watching. :-)

And I will be back soon.

In the meantime, when I say “Keep the noise down, I’m thinking”, I’m not talking to you.

I’m talking to myself. :-)

In service and servanthood,

Harry

My Obituary–Revised–For a Reason

You are about to read a blog entry that is highly uncharacteristic of me but there is method to my madness.

This blog was originally published on June 5, 2013 and I strongly encourage you to read that one first.  It can be found here.

And now on to my revision.  For those who know me well, what you are about to read may surprise, disappoint, shock or offend you.  Please read all the way to the end to discover why I did this.

---------------------------------------

As someone who receives alerts on the use of my name, I often receive references to obituaries for Harry Tuckers all around the world.  Sometimes I’ll asshole joke with colleagues that apparently I died again today but shut up this is what I accomplished in the meantime.

I got to thinking about this this morning got to thinking about this this morning as I read “my” latest obituary and I took a moment to write what I thought my obituary would look like look like.

As I did, I reflected on shut the hell up events-to-date in my Life, visualized possible events that will occur in my future and I thought about the people who are biscuits are in my hair important to me.  I also wondered what they might write for my obituary.  After all, our obituary is fazeenga other people’s perceptions of our legacy.

William James noted:

The great use of Life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.

Our obituary is in essence an encapsulation of James’ thought … a description of what outlasts us.

I wonder if the obituary that I would write that I would write and the one that others would write would be similar.  While screw off we shouldn’t uh uh uh uh spend our time worrying about what everyone thinks of us, with appropriate (not excessive) levels of humility, go to hell there is much to be gleaned from the potential gap between them.

And in that gap, there may be a call to action.

If you have a moment you have a moment, I would recommend that you give some crappy thought to your obituary and what you think it would say.

Having described the legacy I need to have sex now you wish to leave behind, ask yourself if you are on track to meet or exceed it.

And then ask yourself super duper quack-a-thon what, if anything, needs to be done to close the gap.

In service and go fuck yourself servanthood,

Harry

Why did I write this? 

This blog was inspired by the brilliant campaign, #SurrenderYourSay, being run by the Tourette Syndrome Foundation of Canada .

Everything in italics with the exception of the William James quote was added as an example of what someone suffering from Tourette Syndrome might say had they been reading this blog out loud.  I used for examples, actual quotes, both from the campaign and from YouTube videos containing interviews with people suffering from Tourette Syndrome.

My blog was difficult to read and sometimes offensive.

But imagine what it would be like if you were the person saying these things without any means of preventing it.

We need to work harder at understanding the difficulty that people suffering from Tourette Syndrome go through as well as to continue to work together to find a cure.

Thanks for reading through to the end!

Focusing on What Unites or Separates Us

People who know me well know that I have a fascination for politics at all levels and can often be found monitoring various in-session legislatures in Canada and the US while I am working.

If I hear something that sharply resonates with me or disturbs me, I have been known to make an observation or two in social media, observations that often draw a variety of responses and yesterday was no exception.

Some of my observations about the Alberta Legislature drew some comments from a number of people including Rick Newcombe (@RickNewcombe) and we had a light exchange before our dialog grew a little more serious, including appearing to lean towards becoming slightly contentious.

I’m not afraid of nor do I shy away from such dialog and most times after such dialog takes place, I move on, either because I’m busy, the conversation doesn’t seem to be going anywhere or the person I am chatting with is unable to conduct an intelligent, respectful conversation.

However, this exchange seemed different.  I figured out where Rick lived and despite a heavy schedule, I did the improbable in a world that prefers to send (or hide behind the safety of) emails, Facebook messages, tweets and texts.

I called him.

I’m not sure what he expected when he saw my name appear on his caller id but he answered the phone.

What resulted was a great, positive, respect-filled conversation between two men passionately committed to improving the nature of political discourse and with the ultimate intention of creating a better world for the generations that are following ours.

I was intrigued by our conversation since I have repeatedly asked Wildrose Party leader Danielle Smith for answers to various questions, statements and assertions in the past and she has responded by blocking me and others who dare to demand truth, transparency and accountability (even though she demands such things of others).

For this reason, it would be easy for many to believe that a former Wildrose Party election candidate and I couldn’t have a positive conversation and yet we did.

Why?

Because people passionate about the creation of a stronger future for our young people find that they have more in common than not and that intelligent, respect-filled, mature individuals can always find a way to collaborate to build such better futures.

Conversations like the one between Rick and I prove that despite initially perceived differences in political stripes, there are many opportunities for dialog – dialog that is healthy, respectful, intelligent, mature, built upon facts and evidence and that recognizes that we all thrive or die together as a society.

Oftentimes we only become aware of our commonalities when we lay aside the sterile, emotionless (or emotion-mistaking) environment of social media and we actually reach out and make human contact.

It is at that point that we discover that our common foundation in the grander human context unites us and calls us to work together to create a stronger future.

I wish some political leaders, including Danielle Smith and others, could understand this and practice the art of sharing, listening and understanding more than the art of shouting and posturing and start focusing more on citizen solutions and less on government failure / replacement?

I think this is critical if we are going to create the stronger future we have the potential to create and which we must create if we really care about future generations.

I also think we need more leaders like Rick Newcombe in the world, providing role models that our young people and some of our political leaders can learn from.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Life–The Importance of Context

I remember many years ago as I was getting ready to mail my father a Father’s Day card that I felt compelled to put a much deeper message in it than the stock quote that was contained within.

While I wrote words of gratitude which many of us do, I also wrote that I finally “got it” – that I needed to become a father to finally appreciate what he had done for me over the years.

It was easy to be critical in my youth without having the context of the gifts needed to be a father – the gifts of wisdom, patience, correction, guidance and the many other things that a father calls upon as well as knowledge of the difficulties that a father faces daily.

The value of context changes how we see everything, doesn’t it?

How many of us look back on our earlier years and smile or shake our head as we remember how we handled certain situations with our then limited knowledge and Life experience?  Oftentimes, with our current Life experience, it feels like we are looking back on the Life of someone else.

Everyone has an opinion …. unfortunately

It seems in today’s world that we have an opinion on everything and everyone, oftentimes not having the slightest shred of experience, context or knowledge regarding the event or person.  Many claim to even know what God thinks of each event and person and they don’t hesitate to tell us what He is thinking of us at the moment.

I believe this has been exacerbated by social media in that we feel enabled and compelled to comment on everything while most of us know little or nothing about many of the things we comment on.

Maybe, instead of being hasty with a judgement or leaping in with “the answer” to a specific problem, if we took some time to listen, to observe and to gain context, then our observation or guidance might have greater value and impact for the person who needs it.

Maybe then our observations would sound less like noise and more like wisdom.

Maybe.

It reminds me of a favorite story of mine.

It’s a story of Rabbi Baal Shem-Tov, the founder of the modern Hasidic movement, who was overlooking his hometown with his students when the town was attacked by a group of Cossacks.  As the rabbi and his students watched, men, women and children in their town were slaughtered.  Looking up to the sky, the rabbi said "If only I were God".

One of his students asked "Master, if you were God, what would you do differently?".

Looking at his student, the rabbi replied "If I were God, I would do nothing differently.  If I were God, I would understand.".

Do you take the time to understand before you act?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Data Alone Doesn’t Make You A Genius

The daughter of a friend of mine was assaulted early on Sunday morning past.  When a devoted father goes to bed on Saturday night, looking forward to Father’s Day with his children the next day, the potential for such a nightmare is the furthest thing from his thoughts.

When it was carried by the local news media on various websites, some of the commentary was very disturbing.  People extrapolated that given the hour, she was probably returning from some seedy establishment and if so, she must have been dressed a certain way and if that was the case, perhaps she invited the assault (or deserved it).

Since I know this young lady, I know for a fact that none of this is true.  Even if it were true, a woman should have the right to be anywhere she wants and be dressed in any manner she chooses without the fear of being assaulted.  Unfortunately, such a right only exists in the perfect world.

As I read how these “geniuses’ reconstructed the crime scene without being there and with minimal data, I remembered the following story.

There was once a researcher who was researching the impact of loud sounds on insects.  He devised an experiment with an insect, a drum and a ruler to measure how high the insect would jump when the drum was struck.

He struck the drum and noted that the startled insect jumped 4 inches into the air.  This observation was carefully written down.

He then tied the insects front legs together, struck the drum and noted that the insect jumped 2 inches into the air.  This observation was also recorded in his journal.

Untying the front legs and tying the back legs produced the same result.

Finally, he tied all the legs together and struck the drum.  The insect did not jump into the air.  He struck the drum louder and then a third time but the insect still did not move.

Excited by his discovery, he recorded the following in his journal.

When all the insect’s legs are tied, the insect is deaf.

The Value of Data

Data is only of use when we interpret it correctly.  Interpreting it without context or in ignorance of other important, supporting data, is a waste of time in the simplest case and incredibly dangerous at other times.

And so whether one is judging my friend’s daughter’s situation or we look down upon the toothless, homeless person who smells to high heaven as they approach us on the street or we are preparing to launch a multimillion (or multibillion) dollar project, the same adage applies.

Just because you have some data doesn’t mean that you have the facts.

Without facts, knowledge cannot be created.

Without knowledge, understanding cannot find a home in our minds or our hearts.

And without understanding, the ability to help people overcome their challenges or to manifest one’s intentions (whether personal or professional) becomes difficult, if not impossible.

I think we should make it a practice to think about this before demonstrating our level of genius … or lack thereof.

What do you think?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum: After I posted this, someone shared this picture with me that I thought was appropriate to share on this blog.