What’s More Painful–Needing Help or Asking For It?

I was reminded this weekend when a friend reached out for help that so many people who need help are afraid or hesitant to ask for it.

Anyone who has ever been in a place where they needed help but couldn’t dare to ask knows the paralysis that such a dilemma can create.

On the one hand, they may face terrible consequences if they don’t find a solution to whatever challenge threatens to steamroll over them.

On the other hand, even if they have identified someone who can help them overcome these challenges, their pride may not allow them to ask for help.

Their ego attempts to convince them that the pain they will face in the act of asking for help will be FAR greater than the pain experienced when the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train.

While this is almost always never true, we somehow manage to rationalize such a belief anyway.  I know full well what the pain of this structural tension feels like – I’ve been there.

And even though there is nothing wrong and everything right about asking for help, many people can’t seem to do it.

Ironically, many of these same people will get frustrated if someone they know needs help and won’t accept it.

I’ve been there too! :-)

While the reasons are probably as diverse as the number of people who hold such beliefs, I believe Ray Dalio said it best when he noted:

I believe that the biggest problem that humanity faces is an ego sensitivity to finding out whether one is right or wrong and identifying what one's strengths and weaknesses are.

Asking for help forces us to recognize where our strengths and weaknesses are and forces (or at least invites) us to do something about them.

And while many of us chalk up our resistance to asking for help as being based on pride, independence or something similar, in truth, by not asking for help we are able to avoid being realistic about something inside that we would rather not think about.

Unfortunately, by not thinking about it we are also avoiding an opportunity to overcome it once and for all.

When we are unable to ask for help, we are denying ourselves and others the opportunity to explore our true potential and the Life lessons that await us.

Even if the Life lesson is merely … how to ask for help or how to accept it.

As Paulo Coelho notes:

You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.

I see this problem in business all the time.  Many people would rather see companies explode, destroying the livelihoods of their employees, rather than admit that they need help.

We need to help others more by reaching out and making it easier for them to ask.  Sometimes when someone perceives the door to assistance as being locked, it is important to leave the door slightly ajar, allowing the light and warmth from within to invite inside those who struggle.

Don’t force them to come inside.  It must be an act of their own volition in order that the help offered be most effective for the receiver and the provider.

Someday it may be one of us knocking on the door … unless we are as fearful as those that we once judged for not wanting our help.

And if you need help, you will be surprised (and relieved) to discover that asking for it is usually not as painful, embarrassing or humiliating as you’ve built it up in your mind.  In fact, the release that is produced in overcoming the fear of asking is often just what is needed to propel your Life closer towards your ultimate potential (which includes better enabling you to help others).

Ego can be a great enabler and a great disabler.

We need to make sure we know which way it is guiding us.

Do you know?

Are you sure?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

Addendum – March 18, 2013

A reader indicated to me that my opinions in this blog are wrong and imply that I am promoting an apathy-laden, passive or “dormant” response to people who need help.  He went on to say that “the helpless” can’t wait for people to respond to their needs – that action is needed immediately even if help is not requested.

My musing is not in reference to those who are so far gone that they are doomed unless someone steps in on their behalf or the people without a voice who need a hero to enable their voice.

There is a big difference between feeling powerless and being powerless and everyone who needs help is not necessarily helpless.

The subject of helping the truly helpless is a different, more complex subject that also demands answers.  After all, we as a society are only as enabled as the weakest or meekest in our society.  How we deal with those who are most in need is an indicator of how empowered (or not) our society is.

In admiration of .... our children

I wonder how often we sit down and actually assess the incredible miracles that are represented by our children. When we make a conscious effort to reflect upon the gifts and talents of our children, we realize all the more how incredible they really are.

Today, I found myself alone at one point and being totally immersed in gratitude for all my children, especially today for my oldest. I'm going to embarrass him right now with a public indulgence of what he means to me.

My son, Harry (aka Spud):

1. Amazed doctors during his delivery, by smiling at me, reaching up to me and holding my pinky finger as we walked from the delivery room to the nursery room. The staff had never seen a child so aware of himself at birth.
2. Filled me with such amazement in his first three years with his vocabulary and intelligence. At the age of three, he asked his pre-school teacher if she knew what a cornucopia was and when she indicated she didn't know, spelled it for her and explained that it meant "horn of plenty".
3. Choked me with pride as I filmed him climbing onto the bus for his first day of school.
4. Provided all of us with a great laugh one day during a soccer game when, after the play had moved into the opponent's zone, left Spud back by his goal, casually cart wheeling up the field without a care in the world and oblivious to the game.
5. Loved bedtime stories. I often worked on my stamp collection by his bed at night until he fell asleep.
6. Was, from an early age, incredibly talented at beating any computer game out there. Mario Kart, Bomberman and 1080 were by far our favorites to play together and we sure got our money's worth out of them. He liked to fall asleep to the soundtracks to some of these games, especially the soundtrack to Zelda. When I hear the music now, it takes me back instantly to his youth.
7. Loved sitting with me to watch Sponge Bob Squarepants, Ren and Stimpy and other shows like them on TV.
8. Touched my heart deeply when one of his early pieces of art in school was transferred to a "baseball cap for Daddy". I still have the cap and the original piece of art has a place of honor on my wall. The tools he bought for me at a school-sponsored Christmas bazaar, that came in a little car-shaped carrying case and for which he was so proud of finding, are something I see everyday in my garage, as is the wooden saw he bought for me that says "Daddy's Workshop".
9. Blew my mind when he created his first website at the age of seven. I still have the website and I'm thinking of posting it on this website for fun.
10. Amazes me now with his incredible grasp of the arts, including music, computer-driven art, website development, etc. He is so much more adept at these things than I ever was.
11. Made me feel so proud when I heard what his year-end high school test results were this year, in some cases walking in cold and scoring the highest score in the school's history. His intelligence far outstrips his fathers'.
12. Impresses me that at the age of 17, feels so comfortable traveling into New York City and exploring it on his own. When I was 17, I was still getting used to having the freedom of exploring a town of 100,000.
13. Has experienced so much in his 17 years, having collected far more incredible experiences than I did by the time I was 17. These events, including 9/11 as well as many positive ones, have given him far greater life experience than I had by the time I was 25! I stand in amazement when I think what such life experiences will produce in his adult life.
14. Was such a great little guy to play football catch in the street with when he was eight years old.
15. Was an incredible stuntman, always setting up ramps to jump with his bicycle. He was never seriously hurt.
16. Is incredibly creative in fashion, including the many interesting colors he has worn his hair. I can only faintly remember having hair. :-)
17. Is more plugged into his passions at the age of 17 then I was when I was 30.
18. Was considered to teach first year university students how to program websites and was invited to maintain his school's website - when he was twelve. I would have been petrified.
19. Has traveled internationally by himself at the age of 15. I didn't do that until I was 24.
20. Brought tears of joy and pride to my eyes when, at the age of 11, attended a summer theater program and then performed Broadway songs during the shows that followed. I wouldn't have had the courage (and definitely didn't have the talent) at such an age.
21. Knows more uses of technology than his father - and his father does it for a living.
22. Knows more about what he wants to do in life then I did at his age.

There is so much more I could write. Your gifts to me have been unlimited, the memories to date are treasured in my heart and my growth because of you being in my life is immeasurable. Because of you, I have discovered strengths I never thought I had and I have learned about parts of me that were in desperate need for growth. That growth continues to this day and will until my final days. As I wrote to my father once in a Father's Day card, I didn't know what it was to be a father until I became one.

I am very proud of you, Spud. I am amazed at your talent, blown away by your knowledge and stand in awe at your potential. You are a dream child and I am proud to be your dad.

Thank you for making me a better person and for bringing joy and pride to my life.

Love,

Dad