Being Drawn Into Anger? Understand the Downside First

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. – Aristotle

When anger rises, think of the consequences. – Confucius

With the final remnants of the most recent snowfall behind us, I took some time from a crazy schedule today to conduct some business with my local bank branch.  While the snowmelt is upon us, the parking lot was still snow-covered and so with no visible parking spot lines visible, I parked next to the line of vehicles and proceeded towards the door.

As I approached the door of the bank, a man approached me and said “Hey a-hole”.

I turned to see who was speaking and he said “Yeah, you f*ing a-hole, do you know how to f*ing park inside a f*ing parking space?”

I indicated that the parking lot was snow covered, that actual parking spaces could not be easily located and so I had parked next to the line of cars where in fact, none of the cars were likely in “official” parking spaces.

“Well aren’t you a f*ing stupid a-hole”, he replied and he advanced towards me with a string of foul-mouthed phrases.

I replied as I maintained space between us that if he could have politely pointed out an actual parking space, I would have been happy to park in said space.  I also indicated that I didn’t appreciate being spoken to as I was being addressed and that calmly speaking to people is an easier, better way to address problems, whether real or perceived.

He told me that he was trying to teach me a lesson (using colorful metaphors as he told me this), I ignored him, recorded his plate # in case it mattered later and went into the bank.  As I left him, he continued his litany of profanity behind me.

Technically the odds were stacked against him.  I stand at 6’3”, I’m physically active and I have a martial arts background.  He was perhaps 10-15 years older and was grossly out of shape and so his best option should something physical ensue was the bottle of Windex he was using to clean his windshield.

He was taking a  big chance.  If I had a temper easily tipped over the edge, if I was being treated for issues such as anger management, if I was having a bad day or if I was one of those people who liked finding trouble when it was presented to me, his day (and mine) may have ended differently.

That’s the problem with unrestrained, unnecessary anger - things can get out of hand quickly and the results can be problematic or even catastrophic.

As one person present noted during the incident, my being calm and speaking to him calmly and respectfully seemed to anger him more until he seemed ready to lose control altogether.  They also pointed out to me that he was parked in the one spot that was cleared of snow, a parking spot designated for drivers with disabilities, but he had no such tag that allowed him to park in that spot.  Righteousness, when applied inconsistently, can create complexity.  Let he who is without sin …. well …. you know.

What he doesn’t realize is that by walking away from him, I may have saved his Life or mine.  I doubt if he would thank me though – he likely would have found something else to be angry over or may have been angered by the fact that he could not induce me into a more complex situation (there are people in the world who intentionally create drama for too many reasons to discuss here).

As an aside, the woman in front of me inside the bank, who later left with him when she had finished her business, seemed genuinely nice and gentle with bank staff.  I hope for her sake that she doesn’t suffer abuse at the hands of this individual although statistics suggest otherwise.

Anger is never the answer.

However ….

People writing op-eds in Berkeley newspapers this week indicated that the violent, damaging riots on campus in the last week were justified, even if people were hurt and private property was destroyed.

Russia and the US continue to believe that continued sabre rattling and troop build-ups in Europe will produce what they desire (whatever that is).

People tearing each other up in the streets and in social media over differences of political color are not solving any problems either but they continue to do it unabated just in case a solution manifests by accident.

The list goes on.

That’s the problem with anger – it converts us into irrational, illogical animals who are focused on power, superiority and winning at any cost, having lost sight of the potential downside should things escalate beyond the point which we anticipated and for which we are not prepared to handle.

We must also be careful when others attempt to induce us into “battle mode”.  A person induced into becoming angry is vulnerable to being manipulated, controlled or directed, allowing that person to become an agent for someone else’s agenda.

And when that happens, nobody wins.

The Bottom Line

Intentionally creating a hostile situation or allowing someone to draw us into one invites us into a potential escalation that may have unforeseen, irrevocable effects that hurt a lot of innocent people.

Unless your Life is in trouble, count to ten first and keep talking (not shouting).  It matters - you may save a relationship, a business or a Life in doing so.

As for the owner of plate R*R-5*0, you owe me a deep debt of gratitude.

But don’t push your luck – some day, someone may give you the trouble you seek and will speak to you with their fists (or a weapon) instead of trying to calm you down.

And if that happens, everyone loses.

Demand and give respect – stay calm in the face of anxiety and anger.  Fact-filled, respectful dialog solves most problems.

That is the only way we will solve the problems that the world faces today.

If you believe you have another way and can prove it works, I’m all ears.

But don’t shout at me – I am tone-deaf to the ignorant.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS It is always interesting to observe the reaction of an aggressive individual who expects their target to cower in fear or to respond in anger.  When neither happens, it often freezes them in place or causes them to get even more angry.  In my many years in NYC, we assume that the other person we are interacting with is either crazier than we are or has a gun (or both), providing additional impetus to keep our wits about us.

Disaster–The Best Thing That Ever Happened

As a strategy guy, I have taken an interest in how the post-flood recovery is being handled in Alberta and I have come to a realization.

The flooding may be the best thing that ever happened to Danielle Smith and the Wildrose Party. 

While the party would deny that they are taking advantage of the situation on the backs of citizens who got wiped out, any political strategist would call them foolhardy for not taking advantage of the situation.  That’s the way the game is played and historically, the common man has always born on their own backs the burden of those in power, whether it be a local event or a global war.

In a time of fiscal challenge in Alberta, Ms. Smith is walking the difficult walk of demanding that the government not spend money it doesn’t have while simultaneously insisting that citizens demand the right to be relocated by the government at the government’s expense.

Watching her in action at a town hall, it could be debated whether she is merely supporting the anger and frustration being experienced by the citizens or if she is actually fuelling it.  Anger is a very useful tool as I wrote about here Anger: Setting Yourself Up For Manipulation.

However, her seemingly two-faced strategy is strategically brilliant and demands an equally brilliant response from the current government.

To influence the mind, one must touch (or torch) the heart.

Is Ms. Smith ….

…. a hypocrite or a hero?

…. astute or asinine?

…. politically savvy, politically stupid or politically suicidal?

We will only know upon historical reflection.

The history books are written by the victors and within those pages, it will be revealed for whom the disaster really was the best thing …. or the worst.

In service and servanthood,

Harry

 

Addendum – July 29, 2013

A few readers reached out to me privately and asked if my comment “history books are written by the victors” was a veiled reference to Wildrose Party Press Secretary Vitor (Victor) Marciano and a future victory for the Wildrose Party.

I don’t make veiled references.  Nice try, though! :-)

Anger: Setting Yourself Up For Manipulation

I was delighted by the response to my weekend blog “Danielle Smith: Something Wicked This Way Comes” as it provided me with an opportunity to review a technique commonly used to direct people at will and against their will.

That technique is the leveraging of emotion, most specifically the use of anger, to achieve a specific objective.  Unfortunately for those who are expressing anger, it is not their objectives that are being achieved.

The most rabid responses to my blog about Wildrose Party Leader Danielle Smith drew immediate responses from her supporters such as you “f___ing this” and you “idiotic that” and the like.  It even drew a weak taunt from her press secretary that provided a source of amusement.  I was tempted to direct them to an online Eliza program (a program that simulates a therapist) to watch them get angry with a program that for the most part mirrors what they say back to them.

People who are unable to discuss or debate ideas rationally, respectfully and with data and facts often resort to such tactics, believing that their anger will somehow win the argument.

When it comes to people who prefer to use anger in this way, I could cite some pithy quote such as:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned" - Buddha

I could say things about how anger hurts everyone, doesn’t solve anything and all that stuff, but that will just make them angry for a different reason. Even sharing “feel good” stories like this one don’t work on the truly angry.

The Fence

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.  His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.  He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.  He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.  The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.  He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.  The fence will never be the same.  When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.  It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

There’s something more important at play that the angry people need to understand.  Here’s a dirty little secret that they probably don’t want to hear.

Oftentimes when people want to direct the will of others (I won’t say manipulate, it sounds too covert), they look for outbursts of emotion. 

Happiness and sadness can be used but outbursts of anger are the indicator of choice.  It is an indicator that screams “I am open to manipulation and eager to have my will unknowingly bent to serve your needs”.

The fact that they don’t know what’s happening makes it the most valuable tool of all.

For when one is acting and reacting out of anger, especially uncontrolled anger, they are most susceptible to being manipulated and directed to perform actions as needed by others.

The angry people have in fact become stepping stones to be used by people who know where they are going, how they are getting there and who are willing do whatever it takes to make their goals a reality.

We should all remember this when we feel our blood pressure rise if we see or hear something that we don’t like.  Not only might we say or do something that we may regret later, we may be opening ourselves up to be used by a master of manipulation.

In the worst case scenario, we may have in fact been intentionally set up.

<Whisper> This is a tactic commonly leveraged by politicians.

When angry people come in my direction, with words and actions that suggest bullying, intimidation and the like, I don’t get angry at all.  I do my best to treat the angry person with respect, civility and dignity, which produces one of two scenarios:

1. The rational person will realize they have erred and cooler heads will prevail (which doesn’t automatically imply agreement between the parties).

2. The truly ignorant will get more angry and indignant, citing their opponent’s “holier than thou attitude” and the like.  Their anger consumes them and distracts them from everything else they would be better spending their time and energy on.

The rational person made a temporary error and recovered.

The ignorant person however demonstrates how useful they have just become … to anyone who can use and leverage emotion to their advantage.

They angry people are, after all, inviting others to leverage them to the other person’s advantage and at their expense.

I’d like to believe that no one deserves to be used as a stepping stone to satisfy the goals of others. 

I believe that human beings are worth much more than that.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), there will always be humans who step up and loudly cry via their actions (knowingly, wilfully or not) - “Use me to serve your needs. My own needs don’t matter.”.

And equally unfortunately, there will always be humans who respond to this and take the “stepping stones” up on their offer.

Are you easily manipulated by others because of unnecessary or inconvenient bursts of emotion?

How do you know?

In service and servanthood,

Harry

PS There are some who will read this and will become immediately angry and will react as such.  It’s unfortunate that they don’t realize that they are the most useful stepping stones of all.

Addendum – March 4, 2013

I was struck by this editorial by David Frum regarding the anniversary of the death of Andrew Breitbart.  In particular, Mr. Frum’s closing paragraph really resonated with me in regards to the subject of this blog and my prior one about Danielle Smith (I underlined specific text for emphasis):

We live in a time of political and media demagoguery unparalleled since the 19th century. Many of our most important public figures have gained their influence and power by inciting and exploiting the ugliest of passions—by manipulating fears and prejudices—by serving up falsehoods as reported truth. In time these figures will one by one die. What are we to say of this cohort, this group, this generation? That their mothers loved them? That their families are bereaved? That their fans admired them and their employees treated generously by them? Public figures are inescapably judged by their public actions. When those public actions are poisonous, the obituary cannot be pleasant reading. – David Frum